Venting Isolation and the desire for solitude

[Toptock]

Over the last couple of years I've cut off maybe 99% of my friends. When I was social I had the phone numbers and social media of maybe 250 people. I was quasi-popular. People wanted me around because of what I could do and they wanted to use that. When I realized I had nothing else to offer them, I realized they didn't want me around, so I cut them off. I ghosted friends I've known for decades because I knew in the long run, from here, they wouldn't have any part of my life.

I've come to learn I greatly enjoy this solitude. I talk to three people frequently, that's it. Two of them aren't in my state, they're texts on a screen which makes it a million times easier. I've had coworkers try to be friends and invite me out to drinks, but I always decline. The idea of going out socially both upsets and scares me. I don't want to go somewhere if I have to carry a conversation, nor do I believe I should have to go out of my way to another location to have a good time when I can stay home and have a good time. I don't want friends, I sort of want companionship, but that's my desire to be held conflicting with my understanding that I'm 30, far too old to want that stuff.

I'm tired, all the time. I've forgotten most of my life, I don't' want to go see my family and the idea of working hard to buy a house or car just sickens me. I'm not going to join the rat race, it's stupid. I recently moved and ended up throwing out most of my stuff too. My roommate (My sister) wants to get furniture, but when she asked what kind of furniture we should get I told her I have 0 intentions of "hanging out" enough for it to matter. I wasn't hostile in my response, I tried to stay cordial and clear but I think she got the point. I don't have friends.

I'm aware something is wrong in me, I don't want to try and fish for sympathy, but maybe someone can explain what it is. I spend my weekends in bed, just thinking about death and how I'm scared I'll be trapped in a void of pain and torture solely because I never did anything with my life. I don't deserve heaven, which is fine, but I at least don't want to come back. My mind is in a constant fog, I'm on autopilot most times and during conversation it's like someone else is speaking. At night I am afraid to go to sleep, I don't know why. I've reached the point where I'm at the opposite end of the CTB spectrum I was at last year. When I did LSD I was ready, I felt myself put my lips to the glass of SN and could even taste a bit. I stopped myself because I remembered I didn't have a note.

Now, I'm scared to die, I'm terrified that I'll do it, and someone will be waiting with a spiked bat or something and I'll just be in another state of agony with no escape. Peace isn't waiting for me, I just know it. It must be fun being a god, not having to care about your creations.

I'm sincerely sorry if this is all sounding like self-serving bullshit. I really appreciate you guys being so caring all this time.

 

[WornOutLife]

As one song says:

"I tried to love this loneliness to slip out of this lonesome hole. "

That's what happened to me after becoming a NEET some months ago and it didn't work. It seems I love being lonely but also being with SOME people so, I'm trying to see old friends and date girls again.

As for your fear of death, personally, I wouldn't because I don't believe in any Gods but I can relate to your feelings because when I was younger I used to believe in such things as angels, the devil, hell, heaven, etc.

Wish you the best and hope you can find at peace no matter what happens.

 

[Isisnefert]

En los últimos años él cortó quizás al 99% de mis amigos. Cuando era social, tenía los números de teléfono y las redes sociales de unas 250 personas. Yo era cuasi popular. La gente me quería cerca por lo que podía hacer y querían usar eso. Cuando me di cuenta de que no tenía nada más que ofrecerles, me di cuenta de que no me querían cerca, así que los corté. Me engañé con amigos que conocía desde hace décadas porque sabía que a la larga, a partir de aquí, no formarían parte de mi vida.

He llegado a aprender que disfruto mucho esta soledad. Hablo con tres personas con frecuencia, eso es todo. Dos de ellos no están en mi estado, son mensajes de texto en una pantalla que lo hace un millón de veces más fácil. Algunos compañeros de trabajo intentaron ser amigos y me invitaron a tomar algo, pero yo siempre lo rechazo. La idea de salir socialmente me molesta y me asusta. No quiero ir a ningún lado si tengo que mantener una conversación, ni creo que deba salir de mi camino a otro lugar para pasar un buen rato cuando pueda quedarme en casa y pasar un buen rato. No quiero amigos, quiero una especie de compañía, pero ese es mi deseo de estar en conflicto con mi entendimiento de que tengo 30 años, demasiado mayor para querer esas cosas.

Estoy cansado todo el tiempo. He olvidado la mayor parte de mi vida, no quiero ir a ver a mi familia y la idea de trabajar duro para comprar una casa o un automóvil me enferma. No voy a unirme a la carrera de ratas, es estúpido. Recientemente me mudé y terminé tirando la mayoría de mis cosas también. Mi compañera de cuarto (mi hermana) quiere comprar muebles, pero cuando me preguntó qué tipo de muebles deberíamos conseguir, le dije que no tenía intenciones de "pasar el rato" lo suficiente como para que importara. No fui hostil en mi respuesta, traté de ser cordial y clara, pero creo que entendió el punto. No tengo amigos

Soy consciente de que algo anda mal en mí, no quiero intentar pescar simpatía, pero tal vez alguien pueda explicar qué es. Paso los fines de semana en la cama, solo pensando en la muerte y en el miedo que tengo de quedar atrapada en un vacío de dolor y tortura solo porque nunca hice nada con mi vida. No merezco el cielo, lo cual está bien, pero al menos no quiero volver. Mi mente está en una niebla constante, estoy en piloto automático la mayoría de las veces y durante la conversación es como si alguien más estaba hablando. Por la noche tengo miedo de dormirme, no sé por qué. He llegado al punto en el que estoy en el extremo opuesto del espectro CTB en el que estaba el año pasado. Cuando tomé LSD estaba lista, sentí que ponía mis labios en el vaso de SN y hasta pude saborear un poco. Me detuve porque recordé que no tenía una nota.

Ahora, tengo miedo de morir, tengo miedo de hacerlo, y alguien estará esperando con un murciélago con púas o algo así y simplemente estaré en otro estado de agonía sin escapatoria. La paz no me espera, solo lo sé. Debe ser divertido ser un dios, no tener que preocuparse por tus creaciones.

Lamento sinceramente si todo esto suena como una mierda egoísta. Realmente aprecio que hayan sido tan cariñosos todo este tiempo.

Estoy en el mismo punto ahora, no sé cuál es la solución, ni cómo saldrás de esto. Creo que cuando era popular, mi vida era una mentira. Me alegro de encontrar a alguien con mis mismos problemas

 

[Makko]

Similar inclinations. I found this worth reading:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/how-to-be-alone-forever.59727/

 

[262653]

Similar inclinations. I found this worth reading:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/how-to-be-alone-forever.59727/

Damn... It hurts me so much to read the thread that it made me laugh. Fuck It makes me want to die this instant.

 

[Makko]

Damn... It hurts me so much to read the thread that it made me laugh. Fuck It makes me want to die this instant.

Hey, I'm trying to give some top notch advice here. Don't scare the poor guy away.

 

[262653]

Hey, I'm trying to give some top notch advice here. Don't scare the poor guy away.

Well, I guess I could delete my comment(s)... But damn, I've shed a tear over it, which hasn't happened in eons already... I can feel the clouds slowly vanishing, but at the moment it felt like it would last forever... like a steep negative slope at a critical point.

 

[Makko]

Well, I guess I could delete my comment(s)... But damn, I've shed a tear over it, which hasn't happened in eons already... I can feel the clouds slowly vanishing, but at the moment it felt like it would last forever... like a steep negative slope at a critical point.

I don't want you to delete your comments, it's the opposite. I'd like to know what provoked your reaction. In my experience, bringing up those things doesn't get me anything more than a "uh, whatever, weirdo" or something like "there's someone for everyone". You're the first person I remember who reacted with any kind of emotion. Though I'm curious why the emotion was so negative.

 

[lugerepair]

I'm very similar, except I was never popular. This didn't happen over time, I was always a loner. I do think it is getting worse over time though. I don't need many friends. But I need at least one person who will provide physical affection, I think. And someone who will provide emotional intimacy and intellectual stimulation. Doesn't have to be the same person. And I also benefit greatly from interacting with strangers on the internet, on forums, on social media, etc. It's social interaction I can walk away from at any moment, easily, usually without repercussions. When you're hanging out with people "in real life", you can't so easily walk away once you start feeling tired.

 

[PrettyMoose]

I'm similar. I'm someone who once had somewhat of a social life but now I live in near complete solitude from other people, save for a select few people in my family who I don't interact with much anyway aside from the bare minimum survival stuff. I used to have partners and jobs and all of that kind of thing but it all felt so unfulfilling, and I too eventually ghosted everyone out of my life. I can have fun alone a bit but I do every now and then long for another person around, a certain person who would get me. But then I tell myself that it's probably best to not even have that because I just have so much trouble maintaining any level of relationship when I can barely even get out of bed and have so little interest in going on in life. All I really have is my own whacky thoughts and video games and a few silly animals who love me for some reason.

 

[262653]

I don't want you to delete your comments, it's the opposite. I'd like to know what provoked your reaction. In my experience, bringing up those things doesn't get me anything more than a "uh, whatever, weirdo" or something like "there's someone for everyone". You're the first person I remember who reacted with any kind of emotion. Though I'm curious why the emotion was so negative.

TL;DR I think I felt envious of your self-sufficiency. The feeling was aggravated by already present boredom, wounded pride, regret over spending thousands of hours in video games, and an obsessive desire to terminate my life experience. (It's more complex, so the short form is very misleading.)

Oh, that's interesting. I enjoy occasional digging. Should I post on your thread or this one?
It makes sense to discuss the topic of the thread in that specific thread, but on the other hand, it's Recovery section, and I'm not sure if someone who doesn't plan to Recover should post there.

(Recover from what, anyway? To be subject for recovery one has to be ill in the first place, but is it illness I'm having? If I were to be raped on a daily basis for the last 18 years, would I be considered ill for trying to set myself free? Or is illness defined by anything that compromises me getting fucked in the first place? [Here I present life experience as being fucked regularly. I think it's a good analogy, since the law of nature decrees both as mandatory, and there can be varying degrees of consensus (variation in prevalence and magnitude).])

I would start with what I think is the most relevant information.
1. I was already experiencing negative emotions, right before I started reading your thread.
2. It was probably a mixture of different emotions. Reading your posts made me feel envious of you. Envy requires target which is percieved to have an advantage that I'm lacking. What could be the percieved advantage? I think of self-sufficiency.
(That is, you earn your own keep. It's a common sense that most of us (living in big, developed cities) need other people to maintain our standard of life. Electricity, water, sewer system, producing and shipping goods, etcetera -- these are the things most of us don't have to deal with, "do your job and we'll do ours". And that's not self-sufficient, that's codependent, but of course I was talking about degrees.)

A lot of people are self-sufficient in that way, yet normally I don't so envious about that. So what's the difference? Of all people I've percieved as self-sufficient, how you are different?
It could be age group. My chronological age is about three years lower than yours. Reading your experience has also reminded me of a certain person in school, which adds to the feeling of closeness, and the contrast is the most conspicuous when juxtaposing objects seemingly similar in... I don't know how to explain. A sense of similarity coupled with huge difference in output makes me feel as if we had equal stats, environments, as if our our environment was 99.9% controlled, and all the difference is, well, our difference, if that makes sense.

Then there was another emotion, it doesn't seem to have a target, not external, so it's harder to put the finger on it. It's something about hunger, sadness, weakness. Some people would describe it as hopelessness, desperation, or grief.

I thought about loneliness. That's how I described the feeling I had yesterday. But there were times where I was just as alone but didn't feel bad over it. It seems that being alone doesn't necessarily gives rise to the feeling I've described as loneliness. What's the difference? What's so different between yesterday and other days?
I didn't feel interested in doing things that usually occupy my mind, so it was more of a boredom... I felt like talking about it with others, but then I thought: "What's in it for others? Is it fair to drop my emotional baggage on others if I'm not offering anything in return? And just as importantly, since when has 'fairness' been an obstacle for me?"

It's like with sex. If I want it, I have to offer something in return. Whether it's money, pleasure, goods, services, or other utility -- is irrelevant. What is relevant, is when there is nothing for the other party, it is unwanted, undesirable, indifferent at best, and traumatizing at worst.
The feeling of being unwanted when I want others, is what would describe as loneliness.

What does the feeling of loneliness has to do with me reading your thread?
Associative link, I think. To be wanted, I have to be valuable to others, and to be valuable to others, I have to work. I hate the idea of having to work, but that's basically the essence of living. Work is just what has to be done. I'm getting away with not working because someone else is doing that for me. Work affects how we feel (getting the best food, the best living conditions that allow us to feel the best way possible) and how valuable we are percieved by others (prospects of partnership). Percieved value is a double-edged sword, of course. It allows us to strike mutually beneficial deals but at the same time it attracts predators, vultures who want to reap one-sided benefits.

(Alright, I think that was enough for now.)

 

[Toptock]

I'm similar. I'm someone who once had somewhat of a social life but now I live in near complete solitude from other people, save for a select few people in my family who I don't interact with much anyway aside from the bare minimum survival stuff. I used to have partners and jobs and all of that kind of thing but it all felt so unfulfilling, and I too eventually ghosted everyone out of my life. I can have fun alone a bit but I do every now and then long for another person around, a certain person who would get me. But then I tell myself that it's probably best to not even have that because I just have so much trouble maintaining any level of relationship when I can barely even get out of bed and have so little interest in going on in life. All I really have is my own whacky thoughts and video games and a few silly animals who love me for some reason.

Right? It's strange to me to think that its always somehow our fault for not keeping in touch with people yet we're kosher just sticking in our own little worlds until we're needed.

I'm self aware enough to recognize how my next statement is going to make me look, I'm not eloquent enough to phrase it in the words of Kafka or whomever. But I get upset sometimes when people tell me I *should* want things like a large friend group or ambitions. its unfair that everyone gets to be so involved in everyone elses business, either through social media or just being vapid and shallow that we come off as the freaks. It should be normalized to want to be a shut in, we don't hurt anyone nor do we go out of our way to try and drag people with us. If i want to coast through life, leaving people alone and not making others uncomfortable then i shouldn't be judged for it.
It feels so much more freeing knowing i can leave someone at any time without any emotional repercussions. Either way, its lonely, its cold and its dark; but I feel safer.
100% I'm confident if i learned to genuinely love being alone, then ctb wouldn't be an issue.

 

[Deleted member 22693]

I have been isolating myself but it has been a gradual process I don't think you ever truly find a happy state doing it but if your like me op you feel too defective to function in society or shun it, society Is full of judgemental nasty people for the most part, and a serious case of shaudenfraude persists out there people love to bring others down either by virtue of thier words or actions, they say concentrate on what you can change as opposed to what you cant, well we cant control others actions towards us nor how they perceive us in general, but we can change whether or no we participate, and maybe your at a similar crossroads, I think you offloading friends maybe as you have grown and matured and maybe battled mental health and no doubt evolved as a person you no longer share the same things in common as you once did, I know this from experience, and at end of the day experiences is is what makes us who we are, I am alone in this world completely so can relate and no longer feel shame or remorse, just a sense of failure and wanting it to just stop, it is a shame so many of us here are alone, which says a lot about our society, a mental health expert once told me being alone is a modern epidemic and I can well believe it, in an age of anti social media, is it any surprise, peace and blessings here

 

[Toptock]

Yeah that's very much where I believe i am. I realize this may sound dramatic, but i do think that in some way, whatever mechanism that makes socializing possible is damaged in me. I am ok with one person at a time, and i can maybe make a few people laugh. Its all autopilot though, once i leave i forget their faces and their names under the belief that I'll never see them again (thankfully).

Its unfortunate that there's no cure-all for this, but I suppose its in our genes to be in tribes. I've heard some of the most emotionally successful people don't even consider being isolated a problem, because they have things to do. But that circles back to the problem of being directionless and without ambition. If i had it my way I'd lay in bed listening to album after album until my heart gives out.

But honestly at this point I'm just CJ'ing, back to the point. If there's no way to find genuine happiness in isolation maybe I'll have to experiment with distraction until I either get over myself, or find something that makes me happy.


I have found however, meditation absolutely helps center me, even in my worst place. I hate it because it forces me to *stop* but that's a place i can be in to help examine what's making me feel that way so i can snuff it.

Now i need to meditate on developing the courage to ctb (or not)

 

[NodusTollens]

Sorry to hear man, this sounds like it's really eating at you. I hope you're able to find some answers that can help you.

I could be wrong, but what you're experiencing sounds a lot like depression- at least it sounds like things I've experienced with it.

When I realized I had nothing else to offer them, I realized they didn't want me around, so I cut them off. I ghosted friends I've known for decades because I knew in the long run, from here, they wouldn't have any part of my life.

I want to applaud your strength in this, walking away from toxic/negative friendships. Low self-esteem kept me in the thick of things while I was openly disrespected because I didn't want to be alone. Which inevitably happened anyway. Wish I could have walked away with my dignity.

I don't want friends, I sort of want companionship, but that's my desire to be held conflicting with my understanding that I'm 30, far too old to want that stuff.

I can appreciate this sentiment, friendship is nice, though companionship would be ideal (also 30). I also find myself wishing to be held- living alone & working alone I only have physical contact (typically a hug, maybe handshake) once every other month if I'm lucky. I find it hard some days to get around the need to be held.

My mind is in a constant fog, I'm on autopilot most times and during conversation it's like someone else is speaking. At night I am afraid to go to sleep, I don't know why. I've reached the point where I'm at the opposite end of the CTB spectrum I was at last year.

This part really hit home for me... especially the fear of going to sleep. I'm sorry that this is something you experience as well. Between the nightmares & the waking up anxious, with feelings of dread/self-loathing, I don't welcome it. I pass out.

Best of luck.