isnt it funny

[nolifezzz]

few years back my social anxiety, paranoia, agoraphobia or whatever big words you can use to describe me used to be so bad that even just being stared at by my own family who i love dearly got me to the brink of tears, i overanalyze every conversations every words we utter to each other and somehow able to find something that i can twist to something negative and start overthinking it 24/7. and i used to never talk to anyone new at all, not even on the internet, not on social medias, i mostly just lurk or consume, these...words typed social interactions terrify me too. cant bring myself to do it. once i tried 'getting help' online and find someone willing to hear me out and before i even type a word im cold sweating shaking so bad and in the end i just blurted out that im not ready for this that im useless nothing will change anyway and that i should probably just off myself said bye and uninstalled the app and never ever tried that kind of service ever again. yet now, years after, when my depression's getting worse and kinda overshadow all the other stuff and everythings just numb and i start seriously considering suicide that im able to get over my anxiety and talk like this to people...to strangers...lol...look at all these paragraphs....look at all these nonsense all these words...all these blabber... this venting for all to hear... the 'all' that i used to fear so so much....isnt it funny lol....when im numb and just doesnt care anymore is when im somewhat 'cured' and able to talk to people because i just dont give a fuck anymore....like hey i could just kill myself anyday now if i want to so what if i told every strangers online about my life my struggles and private details about my life i dont feel anything anymore anyway and i can just die anyday anyway....funny how life works. i use to dream to be able to talk this much to...people. my biggest fear in this world. does this even count as me 'recovering'? i dont even know anymore. of course im somewhat grateful. being able to just vent like this to people who doesnt know you personally/in real life is a bless. no judgement no consequences to my personal life & relationships. but does it even matter anymore when even after i got this all out i dont feel anything? like nothing changes. i dont feel glad happy resolved or anything i just....keep typing for the sake of typing. maybe im just trying to keep myself busy. or trying to distract myself from my monstrous thoughts. i dunno

 

[Serial Experi Pain]

I actually get this.

 

[jinx <3]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with venting or sharing your experiences with strangers on here in order to distract yourself from your thoughts. There are much more destructive things that you could be doing to cope, so please do whatever you need to do. I also used to be unable to even talk to people online, though probably not to your extent. Life can be very cruel and ironic at times, I sincerely hope that your situation improves and that you find peace soon, in whatever form that may be. I can't speak for everyone else on here, but I appreciate your words a lot. I really resonated with the whole 'one problem going away only for another to be introduced' thing. Good luck again and have a nice day/evening/night!