Help Is what I did wrong?

[Circles]

Just give your honest opinion about my situation. My grandfather and myself just have a lot of heated history. Now I don't know what to say, damn um…it's just so complicated to explain. I feel like this is a situation that you can't explain unless you're there and understand the history between us. I apologize if I'm going all over the place.

Well he's has cancer and is potentially dying, but he's so rude to me, my sister, and my mother (his daughter). He's just the most complex and complicated man I have ever known. It's just hard to love him. Ever since my mother got sick he's help despite his own health issues and even mine. I've always tried to keep my mouth shut and ignore what he says and such. My mother was abused by him when she was a kid so there's a lot of history with that. But three days ago he got into one of his tantrums about how me and my sister don't got jobs or we aren't doing enough, how disappointing we all are to him, got mad that I mentioned that I want him to stop going to my mom who is sick and bitching to her about us in general and if he has something to say then say it to us and such. I'm on disability if that makes any difference to factor in, there's a lot of mixed history with that and him and how I've always felt less than according to him.I tried to have a reasonable conversation and somehow it just blew up out of proportion and now I'm regretting what I said to him. But at the same time just because he's dying doesn't give him or anyone the excuse to be a complete jerk. He is not obligated to keep coming over here or even have us as family anymore.

Nothing was ever good enough for him, nothing could ever please him. Even despite what's happened to my mother and my health issues I truly tried, maybe not my truest best, but nothing I could do ever could make him just stop being so angry and dysfunctional as fuck all the time. He's seriously mentally ill and it has affected my family so much it hurts.

I'm going to admit what I said to from what I remember and I may be judged for it but fuck it. I literally told him to die alone and that nobody is perfect, how he treats his friends better than his family even saying things such as 'I love you' which he never has with us. It has just always felt like we were nothing but a burden to him. My mother who had to deal with him much longer it's no wonder she's still traumatized by his behavior. I just feel sick and fucked up how dysfunctional my family can be, me included.

Now look man I admit I'm not perfect, I'm mentally ill, I have a lot of issues. But to deal with a dysfunctional family on top of that is a whole layer of shit. I've tried and I keep trying but to feel like a constant disappointment and nothing but a burden to someone has literally pushed me to my limit with him. This may be the last time I'll ever have any kind of relationship with him before he passes. And I hate that and I can't forgive myself for it. I'm not religious, but I hate how deep I've been brought up to always respect your elders yet he can't show respect to us. If both him and my mother are going to pass away then I'd rather just have some semblance of peace for both of them since obviously we can't get along.

I hate this, the regrets just keep adding. I didn't mean for this to be a long story but all well. This makes me feel like a bad person and I guess I am. I feel like the older I get the more bad I become. In a way I feel like I'm becoming like him most especially since he's been my only male role model in my pathetic life. I just want some peace before everything falls apart instead of dealing with a dysfunctional family. Is it that hard to ask for? It probably doesn't excuse my behavior either but damn man I'm just tired of the mental gymnastics going through my head that I did wrong or not. At least I got this out of me, whatever as usual. It's pathetic ain't it.

 

[NumbItAll]

I don't blame you for having that reaction. If you get pushed around enough, eventually you're gonna lash out. Sad situation though, hopefully you can salvage something out of it. It's clear that you care a lot and don't want this type of conflict.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

My boyfriend's mother was a very hard person to deal with. She had cancer for several years and would beat my boyfriend, insult him, humiliate him, everything.

Similarly to you, my boyfriend tried his damn best to keep his cool but at some point exploded.

The truth is, being terminally ill doesn't give you an excuse to treat others like rubbish. And another piece of truth is, sometimes people are assholes way before having a terminal illness. People always try to be so permissive with people just because they are terminally ill, it's not fair.

I think you did all you could and it's natural that, at some point, you don't try as hard because, like you said, you get fed up, you know it's unfair to you to always bend over backwards when the other doesn't give you nearly the same courtesy.

You're not a bad person, dealing with terminally ill people is a challenge by itself. Dealing with a terminally ill asshole is playing life on very hard mode.

 

[rozeske]

No, i don't believe you are being pathetic or unreasonable. I never really understand the custom behind the notion that people can do whatever they want just because they are parents or grand parents and they are never meant to be questioned because they are right all the time and if you say anything otherwise, might even be a "talk back", you will be seen as the evil disrespectful one. I think that is a total bs! I'm not saying they should never be respected but maybe they had it coming, maybe that person had a point you know, maybe the years of abuse became too much to conceal and had over flown that it is now visible to the public. A relative of mine has just given birth and has now requested for her mother not to be near her and not to see her. Everyone has been quick to judge her and call her names. I'm the only one thinking lets maybe respect her wishes and give her the benefit of the doubt that she may have a point. Her mother is one of the most evil people I met and I have personally seen how she talks about her children, how she treats people. But no one will question her because 'oh she is a parent and an elderly who sacrificed so much and doesn't deserve this'. Well, fuck that shit! If you've been an abusive nasty person maybe you had it coming. People should be held accountable for their action and not protected and pitied under the umbrella of being an elderly, a parent or a grand parent for that matter.
Sorry, I may be biased with too much anger in me. Take this with a grain of salt :)

 

[DefinitelyReady]

This may be shit, but I'll try anyway. Imagine they both pass away this week. What would you have wanted them to know? What would you want there last impressions of you to be? Was there anything else you could have said or tried to make peace with them, as well as yourself? Was there anything left to salvage? Could you have said or done anything to shift their views? Would telling the truth to them have made a difference? Would you want the opportunity to have said or done anything? There's still time. Think about it. Only you will know.

 

[endlessmelancholy]

It's not wrong to finally stand for yourself.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

But at the same time just because he's dying doesn't give him or anyone the excuse to be a complete jerk.

100% correct

It doesn't sound like you're in the wrong to me. If someone treats their family like shit over a long period of time, then they shouldn't be surprised when the patience runs out and, people start distancing themselves. It sounds like you've tried you best with him, and you don't really own him anything anymore.