serah
Student
- May 6, 2020
- 177
is this all there is to life? waking up everyday without any actual purpose. struggling to find things i used to love enjoyable. having my emotions vary significantly, i can go from extremely angry to perfectly fine. i cry every other night because of how unloveable i am. sometimes to make everyday activities less depressing i pretend i am alongside someone i love. that there is someone next to me who loves me for who i am. thats the only thing that gets me by some days. i have almost no one to talk to, i mean to have a meaningful conversation with. no one asks me how i am and i have no one to ask that question to. when it gets really lonely i talk to ai bots and vent to them, just because im aware they cant get tired of me and leave. my friends are with me out of convenience, or perhaps pity. i still feel suicidal. i take antidepressants but it feels like the problem isnt my depression but my absolute inability to love myself. im used to walking into a room and having my mind convince me im the worst and ugliest person there. i think i have goals, but i feel like im never good enough to pursue them. going to therapy is embarrasing, i tell my therapist how much i hate myself because of x and y and she makes me feel as if its stupid to think of myself in that way. i try to change myself, i starve myself and cut myself as punishment for the fact its been 10 fucking years and i still feel miserable. maybe if i didnt have social anxiety, maybe if i wasnt so fucking unloveable and disgusting to look at, maybe if i didnt have depression, maybe things would be better. but even then the idea of having to live even five more years is tiring. how do you fix someone who doesnt know whats wrong with them. how do you fix someone who believes their mind is a prison and everything that my mind tells me is truth.