I tried online-dating. But I might take a break from it. It is so fucking depressing. Nowadays, relationships are so transactional especially in online-dating.
I think this forum is a place for the outcasts people who are considered red flags in psychology lectures. A friend of mine (she seems to ghost me) is borderline and one of her lecturers told his students that borderline people in general are red flags. Despite the fact she seems to ghost me I still ike her and empathize with her. She is going through a rough time.
I think my search for a significant other is almost completely hopeless. I realized that when I had this date with a woman from a dating app. Soon my parents retire and we will run out of money. The walls are crumbling. I cannot work. Soon it is game over.
I currently read some David Foster Wallace books the last thing with love on my bucket list. Maybe I should set my life an end in October. It would be ironic FuneralCry (joined pretty closely at the same time with me 2020) leaves this forum by getting banned. And me who rather was someone who tried to provide recovery resources I kill myself. Well that's life.
I have again these love delusions with my crush at the self-help group. The way she laughs about my jokes at this group is so amazing. But I will never get a girl like that. It hurts like hell. I think I am a big red flag for her. Rightfully so.
I don't want to return to college. I don't want to quit college and be considered a failure. There is close to zero purpose in my life. This forum is one. And surviving/postponing for the sake of my family and friends.
I realized being in a relationship often costs money. Me someone with autistic traits and interested in niche subjects. I will never have a girlfriend. I also will never have a job. Maybe I should try to come to peace with it. Which means committing suicide in my case. There are so many rational reasons to kill myself. I have reached out to this care money thing in Germany. It is very unlikely that they give me the care money but this decision could literally save my life. However, usually life spits in my face instead.
I am posting so much in this forum. I am not engaging in discussions that often. And I like that my needs are respected. Some people are more active, some are more passive. Some people like to read, some people like to write more often. Of course if one posts something one should also reply something someone once criticized me for.
I think this forum really is a safe haven for pariahs of our societies. Not everything is gold. But I think there were a lot of good decisions made and this forum is moving into the right direction. I think this is something a friend of mine wanted before he committed suicide. Even though I think he might would not have wanted FC to be banned.
It is right to ban trolls. It is right to ban bad apples which there are in a place for vulnerable people like us.
It is cynical wanting to shut down the only site where we can share our honest thoughts. And then they want to scaremonger us with legal punishment. Many on here are going through insane mental or physical anguish since a long time. We are stressed out enough. I am a law abiding citizen and it costed me a lot of stress pressuring me like that. It is so cynical how suicidal people get treated. We are treated like criminals for reaching our pain limit. For not wanting to risk getting brain damage and ending up in excruciating pain for the rest of our lives.
It seems to be a more honest approach being on here. On Facebook you can get banned for talking about your suicidal thoughts. That's so fucking disgusting to punish suicidal people like that. On other place you only get empty platitudes. People called me to shut up and take my medication for wanting to get assisted suicide. On here you usually don't get punished for being honest (while you comply with the rules.) This forum gave me so much and means a lot to me. It made my life more endurable the last 4 years. I think it was the only reason I have survived college thus far.
One personal note: Concerning my reasoning about my suicide. One of my reasons not to do it was my mom could get another stroke. However, the longer I postpone my suicide the more likely is she gets one when I do it because she will be older. Maybe it would be good to wait until she retires otherwise we get less retirement money. The main thing is I have be certain I don't survive. If I die I don't really care about the aftermath. But surviving and experiencing the aftermath could be hell on earth. I must make sure to be determined enough not to cry for help during these 12-20 minutes that it takes to lose consciousness if you take SN.
I have to think it through. But I also tend to overthink it.
Edit:
I rambled a little bit too much. I wanted to say that many people would avoid relationship with us in the first place. There are many on here who say they lost friends after suicide attempts. Something I am also scared of. Suicidality is so stigmatized. I feel like a pariah. Especially because my suicidality is longterm and severe and sort of treatment resistant. Something some people would never acknowledge. People are scared. People feel overburdened. They makes rude replies out of stupidity. On here noone gets banned for being too suicidal. There is no police called on us. I think if something like that was a policy we would all be pretty paranoid and a self-censorship would happen. On most other platforms expressing our honest feelings would be called offensive. It would ruin the mood of others who want to live in their fairy tale world. There is so much tragedy happening. That's the real world. This is part of the human experience despite most people prefer to look away if it happens. They don't want to accept that there are always losers in this equation. Conscious human beings always (thus far) come with poor people in extreme pain. Brain damage, child abuse, bullying, treatment resistance. These are things most people rather prefer to ignore. And engaging with these people. Well there are ridiculous concepts like trauma dumping and cynical shit like that.
I think this forum is a place for the outcasts people who are considered red flags in psychology lectures. A friend of mine (she seems to ghost me) is borderline and one of her lecturers told his students that borderline people in general are red flags. Despite the fact she seems to ghost me I still ike her and empathize with her. She is going through a rough time.
I think my search for a significant other is almost completely hopeless. I realized that when I had this date with a woman from a dating app. Soon my parents retire and we will run out of money. The walls are crumbling. I cannot work. Soon it is game over.
I currently read some David Foster Wallace books the last thing with love on my bucket list. Maybe I should set my life an end in October. It would be ironic FuneralCry (joined pretty closely at the same time with me 2020) leaves this forum by getting banned. And me who rather was someone who tried to provide recovery resources I kill myself. Well that's life.
I have again these love delusions with my crush at the self-help group. The way she laughs about my jokes at this group is so amazing. But I will never get a girl like that. It hurts like hell. I think I am a big red flag for her. Rightfully so.
I don't want to return to college. I don't want to quit college and be considered a failure. There is close to zero purpose in my life. This forum is one. And surviving/postponing for the sake of my family and friends.
I realized being in a relationship often costs money. Me someone with autistic traits and interested in niche subjects. I will never have a girlfriend. I also will never have a job. Maybe I should try to come to peace with it. Which means committing suicide in my case. There are so many rational reasons to kill myself. I have reached out to this care money thing in Germany. It is very unlikely that they give me the care money but this decision could literally save my life. However, usually life spits in my face instead.
I am posting so much in this forum. I am not engaging in discussions that often. And I like that my needs are respected. Some people are more active, some are more passive. Some people like to read, some people like to write more often. Of course if one posts something one should also reply something someone once criticized me for.
I think this forum really is a safe haven for pariahs of our societies. Not everything is gold. But I think there were a lot of good decisions made and this forum is moving into the right direction. I think this is something a friend of mine wanted before he committed suicide. Even though I think he might would not have wanted FC to be banned.
It is right to ban trolls. It is right to ban bad apples which there are in a place for vulnerable people like us.
It is cynical wanting to shut down the only site where we can share our honest thoughts. And then they want to scaremonger us with legal punishment. Many on here are going through insane mental or physical anguish since a long time. We are stressed out enough. I am a law abiding citizen and it costed me a lot of stress pressuring me like that. It is so cynical how suicidal people get treated. We are treated like criminals for reaching our pain limit. For not wanting to risk getting brain damage and ending up in excruciating pain for the rest of our lives.
It seems to be a more honest approach being on here. On Facebook you can get banned for talking about your suicidal thoughts. That's so fucking disgusting to punish suicidal people like that. On other place you only get empty platitudes. People called me to shut up and take my medication for wanting to get assisted suicide. On here you usually don't get punished for being honest (while you comply with the rules.) This forum gave me so much and means a lot to me. It made my life more endurable the last 4 years. I think it was the only reason I have survived college thus far.
One personal note: Concerning my reasoning about my suicide. One of my reasons not to do it was my mom could get another stroke. However, the longer I postpone my suicide the more likely is she gets one when I do it because she will be older. Maybe it would be good to wait until she retires otherwise we get less retirement money. The main thing is I have be certain I don't survive. If I die I don't really care about the aftermath. But surviving and experiencing the aftermath could be hell on earth. I must make sure to be determined enough not to cry for help during these 12-20 minutes that it takes to lose consciousness if you take SN.
I have to think it through. But I also tend to overthink it.
Edit:
I rambled a little bit too much. I wanted to say that many people would avoid relationship with us in the first place. There are many on here who say they lost friends after suicide attempts. Something I am also scared of. Suicidality is so stigmatized. I feel like a pariah. Especially because my suicidality is longterm and severe and sort of treatment resistant. Something some people would never acknowledge. People are scared. People feel overburdened. They makes rude replies out of stupidity. On here noone gets banned for being too suicidal. There is no police called on us. I think if something like that was a policy we would all be pretty paranoid and a self-censorship would happen. On most other platforms expressing our honest feelings would be called offensive. It would ruin the mood of others who want to live in their fairy tale world. There is so much tragedy happening. That's the real world. This is part of the human experience despite most people prefer to look away if it happens. They don't want to accept that there are always losers in this equation. Conscious human beings always (thus far) come with poor people in extreme pain. Brain damage, child abuse, bullying, treatment resistance. These are things most people rather prefer to ignore. And engaging with these people. Well there are ridiculous concepts like trauma dumping and cynical shit like that.
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