Hello im vagoo, im a long time lurker of this site, ive always found intrest in reading the many threads on this site whenever im down and just dont want to feel alone when struggling with things, but i want to both introduce myself and vent my current struggles so heres my first post i guess.
I think im someone who is probably more fortunate in the world, i mean im making headway in life currently in my second year of university and a shitty minimum wage job, have a small social circle both in person and online, a girlfriend.
Even after all that i feel like nothing but a burden, everyone i speak to it feel like im forcing them to listen or that they couldnt care less about me. I struggle internally so much trying to stop these feelings and thought but recently its gotten so much worse.
My parents who i currently have to depend on as i physically cant afford to move out as i pay for everything i use myself this includes university, are both VERY religious (muslim), i have been in religious schools or similiar programs for years but I have never believed in god, and recently my parents have realized this, by litteraly serching my garbage and finding weed and alcohol, and its lead to lots of verbal abused and occasional physical abuse, i cant count the amount of times ive been called a disapointment or come home to find some of my property damaged/destroyed.
I did what i could at the time, i left the house for a month lived, couch hopped with a couple friends to give time for my parents to cool off and attempt to have a proper conversation again, eventually i did. I had some people there as mediators (other family) and expressed how i felt about religion and how i just wanted it not to be forced on my as well as have some privacy as i am my own person and adult. It seemed to be positive at first, i eventually came home and it was okay for a while. I mean every time i ever talk to them or have to rely on them for anything they attempt to push religion on me but it was only a little mentally taxing. It seems thought that after not somehow finding my way back to religion in like 3 weeks that my parents have given up and are attempting to make my life as miserable as possible. Ive had zero freedom in the last couple months slowly ive learnd my spending was being monitored, messaged on my socials/laptop where being read when i was asleep, being locked out of my home some nights, its been hell.
And i dont know what to do anymore, i feel terrible for the people i know, ive relyed on them so much and i cant do it again, i just want to cut everyone off and rot away. Im planning on breaking up with my girlfriend because she is probably the sweetest person ive ever known and i cant force her a life of dealing with the people in my life. My friends at this point, have given up and i just dont think they have the heart to tell me to fuck off. I started to drink a lot, consistenly smoke lots of weed and cigarettes, just to cope, and i dont remember the last assignment i did for my classes atp. I just dont want to do it anymore any of it.
Yesterday i cut for the first time and seeing the lines on my arm today was like a wake up call, so i decided i vent a little here in hope something good comes of it, i guess i really hope the only way from here is up. And to the couple of you who did take the time to read this thank you for making me heared
I think im someone who is probably more fortunate in the world, i mean im making headway in life currently in my second year of university and a shitty minimum wage job, have a small social circle both in person and online, a girlfriend.
Even after all that i feel like nothing but a burden, everyone i speak to it feel like im forcing them to listen or that they couldnt care less about me. I struggle internally so much trying to stop these feelings and thought but recently its gotten so much worse.
My parents who i currently have to depend on as i physically cant afford to move out as i pay for everything i use myself this includes university, are both VERY religious (muslim), i have been in religious schools or similiar programs for years but I have never believed in god, and recently my parents have realized this, by litteraly serching my garbage and finding weed and alcohol, and its lead to lots of verbal abused and occasional physical abuse, i cant count the amount of times ive been called a disapointment or come home to find some of my property damaged/destroyed.
I did what i could at the time, i left the house for a month lived, couch hopped with a couple friends to give time for my parents to cool off and attempt to have a proper conversation again, eventually i did. I had some people there as mediators (other family) and expressed how i felt about religion and how i just wanted it not to be forced on my as well as have some privacy as i am my own person and adult. It seemed to be positive at first, i eventually came home and it was okay for a while. I mean every time i ever talk to them or have to rely on them for anything they attempt to push religion on me but it was only a little mentally taxing. It seems thought that after not somehow finding my way back to religion in like 3 weeks that my parents have given up and are attempting to make my life as miserable as possible. Ive had zero freedom in the last couple months slowly ive learnd my spending was being monitored, messaged on my socials/laptop where being read when i was asleep, being locked out of my home some nights, its been hell.
And i dont know what to do anymore, i feel terrible for the people i know, ive relyed on them so much and i cant do it again, i just want to cut everyone off and rot away. Im planning on breaking up with my girlfriend because she is probably the sweetest person ive ever known and i cant force her a life of dealing with the people in my life. My friends at this point, have given up and i just dont think they have the heart to tell me to fuck off. I started to drink a lot, consistenly smoke lots of weed and cigarettes, just to cope, and i dont remember the last assignment i did for my classes atp. I just dont want to do it anymore any of it.
Yesterday i cut for the first time and seeing the lines on my arm today was like a wake up call, so i decided i vent a little here in hope something good comes of it, i guess i really hope the only way from here is up. And to the couple of you who did take the time to read this thank you for making me heared
