Is there free will when you seem to have no power ?

[Marine]

Serious question I'm pondering. The more "shadow work" I do the worse it gets despite me unearthing even more terrifying primal causes of my trauma and striving to be more compassionate and accepting towards myself.

It's like no matter how I try to move forward towards life an evil force outside of me (it's probably trauma residue but since it was external violence and lies imposed on me it doesn't feel like part of me despite being lodged in my body I suppose anyway) sabotages EVERYTHING I ever attempt and I'm utterly powerless against this filth...

Therapists don't help, homeopathy so far doesn't either (my options are limited because of my finances though), deep research doesn't, even positive inspiration and distractions or trying to focus on completing one simple thing after another fails me... What will ? I'm genuinely desperate for hope but the facts are stacked against me and I'm lost. I don't even feel like myself anymore after such prolonged isolated hell and mass rejection / abandonment / abuse...

At this point I wish I could try guided psychedelics but go find that in the EU lol.

Anyway I don't know if anyone on this site would have any relevant insight about that, but I don't know where else to ask and I can't stand fake / superficial platitudes from people who don't get any of what I'm talking about... If any of you has an idea. I refuse to be doomed, especially after being forcefully brought back here.

 

[zeenatax]

IMO free will may work if you believe in the system. But simple step by step guide to overcome a problem such as depression could work if your condition is not chronic. It did work for me when I was really depressed after a good friend committed ctb. I really believed in the system then and had absolute confidence in the method recommend in a book. I bought the book and read the book hundred times. Every time I doubted I went back to book and reaffirmed everything. It sounds like a cliche but I am surprised now it did work.You should do some research regarding your condition and look for any simple self help book. I don't think it would work for me now because my condition is chronic and I don't have confidence in anything now.

 

[hungry_ghost]

I think I know exactly what you mean.

Are you by chance into spiritual/metaphysical truths and whatnot?

Personally I seem to oscillate constantly between life and death; there's hopefulness/trying to manifest better things, and just saying fuck it and allowing the matrix to consume me because as you said, the cards are stacked against us, anyway.

I think we have free will to a degree, but limited choices.

 

[Marine]

I think I know exactly what you mean.

Are you by chance into spiritual/metaphysical truths and whatnot?

Personally I seem to oscillate constantly between life and death; there's hopefulness/trying to manifest better things, and just saying fuck it and allowing the matrix to consume me because as you said, the cards are stacked against us, anyway.

I think we have free will to a degree, but limited choices.

I am spiritual yes. I believe in a higher consciousness in nature connecting us all let's say. And I do believe we have a purpose, at least there is a cause I want to contribute to.

But when I see children dying of sepsis alone after being horrifyingly raped and tortured by their psychopathic satanist parents it makes me wonder if there is such a thing as purpose... That I don't want to be another sacrifice at this point is all I can say.

After 3 failed attempts and no safe exit method for now it's hard to just let myself be crushed now... I want to experience at least some things before I die too... And I honestly thirst for vengeance (the positive kind, not the harmful kind) and reparation against everything that's been done to me, that certainly consumes me. I feel like evil would win if I died like this now. But I also feel like I'm losing possibly even more by wasting away... So it enrages me and makes me despair.

I don't see what choice I could make that would change anything in this situation... But victims of goddamn project monarch found a way to heal apparently (for those who survived that is)... That's even worse that what I've endured (never thought I would see such a thing) though close enough. It baffles me though as I could never have survived any kind of sexual abuse so I don't really get it and I don't have enough info about it yet but that's a thing.

IMO free will may work if you believe in the system. But simple step by step guide to overcome a problem such as depression could work if your condition is not chronic. It did work for me when I was really depressed after a good friend committed ctb. I really believed in the system then and had absolute confidence in the method recommend in a book. I bought the book and read the book hundred times. Every time I doubted I went back to book and reaffirmed everything. It sounds like a clique but I am surprised now it did work.You should do some research regarding your condition and look for any simple self help book. I don't think it would work for me now because my condition is chronic and I don't have confidence in anything now.

If you mean our mad societal system, I would have to be seriously deluded to believe in that and thankfully that has nothing to do with healing.

I have complex trauma, it's by definition chronic and I've been through extreme suffering since I was born (psychopathic parents) so your suggestion wouldn't work.

I've researched extensively everything I could ever find on the subject, still am, like I said in my post to no avail.

The only confidence I have is that no human willing to live should be doomed... But what I said in my previous post kind of makes that unclear I guess. I should have better chances than this child, maybe ? I hope ?

Thanks anyway.