Is there anything ?

[Tig]

Is there anything at all, that would make turn around in your plans to CTB?

I'm a 1 percetner here on this site, age wise.
At my age there is nothing could make me turn around.
Struggling with Mental Health for life.
Injuries to numerous to mention.
My Wife dead.
My family dead or estranged from me.
Most of my friends passing away.
The state of the world we live in.
Pain, pain, pain, unrelenting pain every day, mostly physical, but starting lose the battle that rages in mind as well these days over severe depression.
Lived fast and hard all of my life, few regrets except for my Wife, I will never forgive myself for not going with her in her darkest hour.

What would be willing to do, if you could turn your life around and not CTB ?

I'm spent, but I'd like ya'll to tell me if you able or willing.
Something to ponder and pass the time with, till death comes a knocking.

 

[pointblank]

If I was more intelligent and had more marketable skills maybe I'd reconsider but no I'm good for nothing. That seeps into every activity you can imagine and dictates the quality of life you can have with hobbies or interests. It sucks. My brain capability lost on the gene lottery.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry for where you find yourself now, with all the pain and no turnaround in mind. I guess I am at a turning point to a certain extent now, or more putting my ctb plans on hold. For the very small possibility to experience love as you've had with your wife.

A lot has happened this year and I find myself off to Southeast Asia permanently after my person decided to immigrate to the UK. We've found each other again before his departure recently, on a different and real level of love and understanding, but after we've already given up everything in this same country. We both came very close to ctb this year, and we've since promised to keep on believing, and the possibility of us somehow again. If I give up on life, I give up on us.

I guess time will tell whether I'll be strong enough to focus and face the unknown, and keep on believing, while continents apart. I'm giving myself a few months in the new world waiting, to hopefully find a job and some kind of survival plan, before reassessing the situation.

Wishing you all the best with your plans as well.

 

[bleepbloopbleep]

It's hard to say. Because right now it feels like nothing could change that, but who knows.

And even if something changed my mind. I don't think there would ever be something to give me the will, enjoyment and motivation to live. I would just live, due to circumstances.
Thats what I felt like before I made up my mind at least. I felt like this was just life and I had to suck it up, make the best of it. Even if I never saw a point in my future where I was truly content and happy.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'd personally always prefer to cease existing no matter what, I just have no interest in suffering in this existence, I just don't see any point, benefit and value to existing in general rather I see existence as the most torturous, futile imposition that I never would have wished for, nothing would make me wish to suffer all for the sake of it in this existence just to die in agony from old age.

I wish for non-existence instead of all this pointless suffering, I never would have wished for or chosen existence in the first place and I find it deeply undesirable to exist at all, for me ceasing to exist would be something positive. The thought of being enslaved in this existence for much longer just to be tortured by old age is horrific to me, permanently ceasing to exist would solve what I ultimately see as the true problem which is existence itself, I only hope to never suffer ever again, existence itself truly does just feel like a mistake to me.

 

[LukaParrot]

I can feel your pain about see people that was your life passing away. Wife and friends must be really tough.

My major problems are not to experince this, a wife, having great friends (not work colleages), reaching limit of being broke financial and mental, look for help, prescribed drugs, therapy. I'm too old to form a family, i dont want to mess with what I used to work, my brain is cooked, with all respect, every work is worth but dont want to work 6/1 job, minimum wage, cleaning floor, bathrooms, or related stuff if it's just for me, i'm done with life. I'm resuming a lot but not self-pitty, just feels satisfied and wanna rest now. I hope in the future, there is some medicine for burnout, and also better for depression.

You had your experience, was married, and I believe, have great memories and that's what count in my opinion. Having good friends, memories when you remember will make you smile. If money is not a problem, maybe move to a simple place, like see the ocean everyday, have a little buddy like a dog, they're trully great friends and company.

Yeah, I think i wrote too much, I cant have a dog because there is a lot of problems with noise complain (apartment/condo), a empty life kinda hurts a lot my soul.

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me, I think 'recovery' would require such vast amounts of effort. Seeing as the efforts I've put in in the past (34 years of them since ideation began) have ultimately still lead me here, I simply don't have enough belief that a new great push of effort would end differently. I suspect it will just get harder now also as I age. (I'm mid forties now.)

Obviously, ridiculous hopes like a lottery win would make the short-term easier but, I'm guessing we're keeping this to more likely possibilities?