Discussion Is there anyone here who doesn't want to get better?

[detached]

I personally don't want to get better. Maybe it's because I feel depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and any other so-called negative thing, are a part of me. Eliminating it would simply eliminate more of me.

 

[Rachel74]

I'm desperate to get better. I'd give anything to be free from bipolar. I don't want to CTB and that was always a last resource for me

 

[Ἡγησίας]

Me neither.

 

[Mrnobody2019]

I feel the same, 4 months ago I was probably the happiest I had ever been, I'd worked very hard and had my ups and downs along the road to get there, and now it's all gone I can't even be arsed trying to get it all back. Yet without it I will never be happy or make good of life, and it kills me.

My analogy is Imagine spending 3 years busting your arse off at uni and all the stress that goes with it and getting your degree at the end. Then before you get a chance to enjoy a bit of time off or put your degree to work, it is taken away, and someone says "well you can get it back". Well yes, I can do the degree again, but it will be hell, the stress will be worse because I'm having to do it all again from scratch, with the added benefit of having sever depression due to losing it in the first place. I'd rather just fuck it off. And thus is the story of my life, worked hard, put a lot on the line, lost it before I even got to enjoy a more relax life, and now I'd rather die than struggle to get it all again

 

[MeltingHeart]

I don't want to "get better" anymore, because the very concept belies all the very reasons I want to ctb- there are those that consider me to be mentally "ill" purely by merit of the fact I want to ctb- but it is so much more than that- yes I am psychologically & mentally distraught & grief striken but none the less I know I am don't have "mental health" issues as such-atleast in the convential sense - so the very idea of "getting better" is a false one, it's anathema to me- I can't "get better " Because it wouldn't change the facts of my life that have led to this point- it's cant change the past, present or future at this stage, it can't even change how I view it or to "re- frame" my thought patterns or whatever else therapy & medication etc. is meant to do- in some cases therapy simply can't help- or it comes too late! - it won't change things- I have nothing to "get better" for and it was my life- the cards I was dealt that made me "ill", so there is no way to 'recover' from how I feel, it won;t change my life & suddenly make it what I had hoped it could be, without having a time machine to change pretty much most of my life. That's why I feel the people that keep saying that to me, like-can't you conder trying to 'get better' are so so naive it's unreal & totally fail to grasp the 'reasons' why I feel this way! Sorry that was long - as usual.

 

[WhiteDespair]

You'd be surprised at how different and the same you are as you improve.

 

[Astral316]

I don't want to *try to* get better... I'm too far gone, my situation too dismal.

 

[Nem]

It's over. And if it's not over I'm not interested in getting better so I can just get worse again....fuck that
Peace/hugs

 

[MeltingHeart]

I don't want to *try to* get better... I'm too far gone, my situation too dismal.

Same

 

[hopelessandbroken]

i dont want to get better. depression and sadness are comforting and i dont really care anymore anyway.

 

[sammii]

I'd love to get better, honestly don't think it's going to happen though.

 

[bokete]

I don't want to get better because I tried and it's not worth it, I can't be fixed anymore and living this shit life would be postponing the inevitable.

 

[WilliamKline]

It's over. And if it's not over I'm not interested in getting better so I can just get worse again....fuck that
Peace/hugs

Same. So much truth to that. Trying to get better would require me to forget about those other 20 times I 'tried to give it another shot', maybe it's just time I shot myself :p

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I don't want to get better..... Its too late. I'm old, worn out, damaged goods. Its too late for me to develop enough to have the life of my dreams and I wont accept anything less. Fuck this life.

 

[*KNAZ*]

I'm tired and the opportunities to "get better" have passed. Now it's just hanging on and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sorry but you can only try and try so much before you realize that at some point life just is not going to go up. In fact it's pretty much guaranteed to decline slowly at first then more steadily, especially in terms of financial security and health, mental and physical. At almost 52 years old, the opportunities to start over and reinvent yourself just aren't there like they were when you were in your 20-30s no matter what any therapist tells you. The results of all your past choices eventually corral you into fewer and fewer options until you reach a dead end.

Was looking into changing careers this weekend at the behest of a friend but to go into substantial debt with student loans at 52 years of age and having to work full time and go to school - just doesn't really seem worth the effort. I'm already tired as it is.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I don't want to get better..... Its too late. I'm old, worn out, damaged goods. Its too late for me to develop enough to have the life of my dreams and I wont accept anything less. Fuck this life.

I feel the same - about not wanting to accept less- than atleast some of what I hoped & dreamed for - otherwise there just doesn't seem to be much point- I think that where people comparing me to those worst off doesn't help- it still doesn't make yr own life the one that you hd hoped for - if u know what I mean...

 

[trynacbt]

I don't know what getting better means anymore. I used to think it meant my life would *magically* change and my dreams would come true. Instead I see it doesn't change very much at all. Maybe I eat more. Maybe I have more energy. But for what?

 

[Jack4230]

I want to get better, I wish I had good habits and a purpose. I wish I could have a better life, but I just wasn't born that way. I've tried a million times to change my life for the better but I don't have the willpower required to do so. Like you depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts are what defines me and I wish it wasn't so but it is. If I could change this I would and I think you would to but unfortunately we can't.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I feel the same - about not wanting to accept less- than atleast some of what I hoped & dreamed for - otherwise there just doesn't seem to be much point- I think that where people comparing me to those worst off doesn't help- it still doesn't make yr own life the one that you hd hoped for - if u know what I mean...

I do..... We are terrible people for not wanting to lower our standards and just "accept the life we've been given" fuck that shit------ How dare they insist that we put up with it. We didnt ask to come to this motherfucker anyway!

 

[Taki]

I don't want to "get better" because there's nothing wrong with me. I've looked at my life and assessed it reasonably, and it isn't a life anyone should tolerate. How is agreeing to live an inadequate life a good thing? There's nothing life-affirming about eking out a lonely, financially precarious life. Killing yourself can be a way to defend the idea of a good life.

 

[CursedForDisaster]

I'm on my final card(s) when it comes to holding on, once I know they won't work out, I'm done. I feel like I am already done but my autopilot is just holding on for the right time to off myself. I don't want to try and get better because that would mean starting over on the path of desensatizing myself for suicide once I fall out of whatever manic state I find myself in at the time

 

[coma-baby]

I would be pleased as punch if I could feasibly get better. My SO doesn't think I want to be better. I'm bitter over it. I'm burnt out on every single aspect of being alive taking a massive toll on my brain and how I perceive things. I feel irredeemable at this point. I don't know if I can ever "be better". But I sure as all Hell would love to be.

 

[itsallover]

I want to get better physically desperately, but I know I will always be fucked up mentally no matter amount. No amount of medication and therapy can erase the trauma I've gone through in life.

 

[heartisbroken]

The best way I can describe it is this: I'm afraid to get my toes wet because I know I'll never be able to submerge myself fully underwater. It's like having a "fun size" candy bar, but not getting to taste the whole thing. Once you taste the flavor, you crave it, you're unsatisfied, but there's nothing left for you to have.

I guess I don't want to get better because I know I'll never be able to *fully* get better. I don't want the frustration/failure of getting a little bit better but not being able to fully recover. Because if you try and fail to get better, then what's left?

 

[Daniela]

I don't want to get better in the sense I don't want to be dissuaded from CTB

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I want to get better physically desperately, but I know I will always be fucked up mentally no matter amount. No amount of medication and therapy can erase the trauma I've gone through in life.

Me too, so hard for people to believe this. There isnt a pill for everything.

Even my damn therapist said there is no pill for what I have! Sometimes we just have irreversible tragedy....

 

[Chalken]

I can relate. It feels like depression has become a part of me. Maybe deep down I want to get better, but that requires effort and dedication, which I do not have. It makes me want to succumb to it all. Although it makes me feel fake, like maybe I don't have depression and I'm just pretending to feel this way. I just want to feel that my struggles are real, but these kind of thoughts just make me feel even worse.

 

[detached]

I can relate. It feels like depression has become a part of me. Maybe deep down I want to get better, but that requires effort and dedication, which I do not have. It makes me want to succumb to it all. Although it makes me feel fake, like maybe I don't have depression and I'm just pretending to feel this way. I just want to feel that my struggles are real, but these kind of thoughts just make me feel even worse.

I can relate to this. Especially the part about about feeling fake

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

I do..... We are terrible people for not wanting to lower our standards and just "accept the life we've been given" fuck that shit------ How dare they insist that we put up with it. We didnt ask to come to this motherfucker anyway!

I feel like this too. I refuse to accept living with a lower quality of life and I don't think that there's anything wrong with that refusal.

 

[6000qqq]

I'm constantly asking myself this. Do I actually want to get better? Yea... I think I do. But I'm not entirely sure. Whenever I'm feeling slightly better and more hopeful I feel like I'm lying to myself and it all feels fake. It's as if I know the truth and that these feelings and emotions are artificial. Of course, deep down I know they're not, like I'm not forcing myself to feel better nor am I forcing myself to feel worse, but still, I can truly say it all still feels awful no matter how I actually feel with myself and my current situation. It's strange to say the least. I guess I'd rather keep it real with myself and say I'm not okay than feel like the world is a built up lie. It's like my sadness acts like a blanket from other forms of sadness, if that makes sense. Maybe another way I can put it is I want to get better, but I can't and I don't want to get better "here".