Is there any part of you that hates SaSu?

[exiled]

Please hear me out. Hate is a strong word.
But I feel conflicted. Like there are two parts of me that are at absolute war with each other.
The suicidal side of me loves this place and finds so much comfort and hope in it. The secrecy of logging onto it without my friends knowing it exists is so peaceful. I can truly taste suicide when I am talking to all of you. It feels attainable.
But on the other token, I lost my very best friend because she got her materials on this website. My childhood best friend.
And then I am outraged.
I don't WANT other people to end their life. I don't want other people to be on this website finding comfort that they too can CTB. I want everyone here to get help, get better, find hope, find love, find purpose.
But then I feel selfish.

I feel selfish for wanting the comfort but wanting it to be taken away from others.
I feel selfish when I let that go and decide to truly be pro choice.
I feel selfish either way.

I could never comment on someone's thread encouraging them to follow through their plans. But I'd want that if I were me.

Why am I like this? Why am I conflicted?

Am I the only person that struggles?

Please don't come at me for being some pro-life freak. I really just am hurting and all this extra media coverage lately is making me just feel awful.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I hate anything pro-life instead which is why I go out of my way to avoid it. The thought of ceasing to exist is the only comfort for many people, not everyone wants to suffer in this existence they were burdened with in the first place. My wish to die isn't an illness that I need "helping" from, it's all that makes sense to me and feels rational, existence is the problem not the thoughts of suicide.

If people hate this website they don't even have to come on it or if they have trouble accepting pro-choice ideas then they can just view the recovery section. The suicide discussion is for those who are tired of pro-lifers who are incapable of minding their own business, it's a place for people to vent openly and have their wishes respected.

I don't understand why some people believe that life is the more desirable option for everyone just because it is for them, I will always prefer the sound of eternal nothingness. At least those who are gone now are incapable of suffering.

 

[voyager]

None. Would even say I'm a zealot, another strong word. Self-determination to me is the most fundamental right of all, not just in terms of suicide but everything else too, which of course includes freedom of expression. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and in your case I can see why it hits you hard and you miss them, BUT everyone must make this decision for themselves, our own feelings have to be cast aside. Your friend wanted to get out and was probably suffering immensely, why then would you hate anything liberating her from her suffering?

 

[hibikikyuxx]

This is one of the few forums I've found with genuine free speech so no, no part of me hates anything about Sasu. Everyone dies one day. Many people who never suffered want to ctb anyway because they are smart and self aware enough to be able to tell that life on this planet is not worth it, it's not worth it to suffer for many decades. Especially when we look at everything that's currently going on in the world. Multiple huge wars. It's genuinely cruel to force others to live, even though they never asked to be born. Refusing someone their right to die when they want to die, is like telling that person that they have no free will and that they have to continue living and suffer. For example, if a person got into a horrible accident that left them paralyzed, would you force that person to continue living even though they are suffering? I wouldn't. Chronic Depression and suicidal thoughts are rarely and barely "curable".

 

[Scattered-Soul]

Most people here don't because they haven't been hurt by this forum but you have. I'm sorry that you lost your best friend, I do feel for you deeply.

I completely understand your feelings about wanting others to continue living, find help etc I think it's normal to think that way, it's pretty common among suicidal people as well. I myself used to feel that way but nowadays I'm mostly apathetic, like I wish people could get better (if their desire to CTB comes from a health related issue for example) but I'm totally fine with them making their own decisions no matter what their situation is. I don't think you need to change by the way, you aren't actively doing any harm by having those thoughts and feelings and I don't think you're pro-life for it, plus you're currently grieving and maybe you just need some time away from here.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry about how this site has hurt you in such a deep and personal way. :(
Personally, I like SaSu a lot for being able to talk about those types of things at all without fear of being reported! :) However, I do dislike the general community sentiment and moderation bias against religious people and natalists considering I'm both of them~ In addition, I've seen 2 people banned and had their threads removed for clearly unfair reasons (one of which was a 2020 user), and I'm rather still upset about it! >_<

 

[moondazed]

I certainly don't hate this place, I rather like it. It's one of the few "free speech" forums that isn't full of absolute rancid ideology. I pretty heavily disagree with anti-natalism, but I try to respect others and how they feel about it.

I'm sorry about your friend. When my friend CTBd, I'll admit I first came here in January searching for her. Not sure if she was on here or not, but it wouldn't surprise me. Then, when I recently came back to post, I was in a dire spot and falling into my usual seasonal suicidal brain. The sheer amount of people here who will give you words of support if you ask for it honestly blew me away.

I've only been active for a couple weeks, but I've quickly learned that this place is uniquely beautiful and may be one of the only places where suicidal people can get help, either with recovery or with relieving themself of their suffering. Who knows how many people may have come here looking to end their life, but instead found some compassion and understanding, which in turn gave them a reason to keep going?

I think if someone is really determined to end their life, they will find a way to end it. I've tried multiple times without knowing this site existed. Millions of people CTB every year without knowledge of this site. Tantacruls video was grossly misrepresenting it, but I am really happy I saw it.

 

[a_depressed_lizard]

I fully agree, and it's definitely nice to hear that someone feels the same as me.

I definitely appreciate this site for being a safe place for people to be able to be completely open and know that they will not face any judgement for what they say. I've often felt very alone in my thoughts but this place has shown me that there are a lot of people who also feel similarly, and for that I am grateful.

However I cannot ignore that fact that being on this site is inevitably very damaging for a lot of people, and perhaps has prevented some from getting help that would've been genuinely beneficial. I also don't want people to take there lives, and it's often difficult to be around people who are so comfortable with others doing so.

I just feel selfish wanting to have access to this site, while knowing the damage that it can cause, but also grateful for it helping me to feel a lot less alone.

 

[R_N]

This is the only place where most people are truly welcoming regardless of your stances, as long as you are respectful yourself. No way I can hate this place.

And we can talk about anything without being seen as crazy. This place helps me cope atm. Ironically. Funny how that works right bbc?

 

[nozomu]

I hate losing my friends so often to death, but I understand why we're all here. I also sometimes dislike how flippant and unempathetic some people can be, e.g. grilling about methods when someone is on the edge of an impulsive decision like "where did you get [substance]!!?" When that's a person who should be treated with empathy and asked if they want support.

That being said, I do love this community, and I'm happy to be of service to make sure it's a respectful and safe place for all who participate.

 

[undecided]

Please hear me out. Hate is a strong word.
But I feel conflicted. Like there are two parts of me that are at absolute war with each other.
The suicidal side of me loves this place and finds so much comfort and hope in it. The secrecy of logging onto it without my friends knowing it exists is so peaceful. I can truly taste suicide when I am talking to all of you. It feels attainable.
But on the other token, I lost my very best friend because she got her materials on this website. My childhood best friend.
And then I am outraged.
I don't WANT other people to end their life. I don't want other people to be on this website finding comfort that they too can CTB. I want everyone here to get help, get better, find hope, find love, find purpose.
But then I feel selfish.

I feel selfish for wanting the comfort but wanting it to be taken away from others.
I feel selfish when I let that go and decide to truly be pro choice.
I feel selfish either way.

I could never comment on someone's thread encouraging them to follow through their plans. But I'd want that if I were me.

Why am I like this? Why am I conflicted?

Am I the only person that struggles?

Please don't come at me for being some pro-life freak. I really just am hurting and all this extra media coverage lately is making me just feel awful.

I totally understand.

 

[Kundalini Guy]

I do stop using this website from time to time and stop wanting for others to end their lives, but this crap world makes me quickly suicidal again and I come back.

 

[letmejoindeath]

Yea I absolutely hate talking about my feelings without the fear of being body slammed, straight jacketed, injected with shit, or held hostage against my will for my safety.

Totally wish this place didn't exist so I could continue talking to the walls.

/s

 

[february in alaska]

You're going to get a lot of shit for saying that here, but don't feel bad at all. It's death, you're allowed to have complicated feelings about everything surrounding it, especially if you've lost someone in relation to this site. You can accept that people have the right to decide what to do with their life and you can want to CTB yourself and you can still be angry and hate this site and want your loved ones to live happy lives, none of those things are mutually exclusive. Our brains handle grief in weird ways sometimes.

I'm sorry about your friend. I hope they're in a peaceful place.

 

[absolutelyyou]

I would say I hate it for needing to exist. It sucks this place is the only place people can feel comfortable and unjudged about the way they feel. It's fucked up this place has to exist because people that have spent their life suffering have to resort to method mega threads rather than being able to control their own life and death in a peaceful, more easily obtainable way. I hate this place for being necessary in our society- so in turn I'm grateful it's here.

 

[fuzzy-clown]

I do generally hope that other people don't CTB, and in other spaces I try to help others who are struggling with it. I think that if other people are here then they're like me, who aren't asking for people to go pro-life on them.
If I want someone to go pro-life on me, I can ask for that in other spaces. I assume that is also the case for people who are here.

 

[Meditation guide]

A lot of what you wrote sounds anti choice and pro life to me. But you're entitled to your feelings. I just don't see why you're here if you feel the ways you say you do.

 

[Foreverix]

Why am I like this? Why am I conflicted?

Probably because you ultimately value life, but you struggle with feelings that are contrary to that. When you indulge your suicidal feelings, it doesn't change the fact that you still value life. Hence the double standard: you want to enjoy the comfort of this community and indulging your suicidal feelings, but you wish others would get better and stay alive.

One could easily look at that and say you're being selfish or hypocritical, but I think it's just the product of you using the forum as an escape (like many of us, surely), without adopting different values to assuage the cognitive dissonance.

I can't help but wonder if you really find comfort here because it's a way of remembering your friend and perhaps trying to feel closer to her by inhabiting one of the last places she'd been to online? Just a thought.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

I don't WANT other people to end their life. I don't want other people to be on this website finding comfort that they too can CTB. I want everyone here to get help, get better, find hope, find love, find purpose.
But then I feel selfish.

I feel selfish for wanting the comfort but wanting it to be taken away from others.
I feel selfish when I let that go and decide to truly be pro choice.
I feel selfish either way.

I could never comment on someone's thread encouraging them to follow through their plans. But I'd want that if I were me.

Why am I like this? Why am I conflicted?

Am I the only person that struggles?

Anyone that tries to shit talk you for having this opinion and possessing empathy for others is not "pro choice" like they claim to be but just straight up pro-death. There is nothing wrong with not wanting other people to die. As long as you're not harrassing people for their decisions you're still inherently pro choice. There's nothing wrong with this stance. In a way I get it. I also feel like a hypocrite sometimes for feeling a similar way but it's not cognitive dissonance because you're aware of your own double standard.

Personally I hate this website a little bit because there is so much in depth information on so many different methods and it makes me feel like I really have to narrow down and find a specific method that I'm 100% not going to fail at and have to live with some sort of permanent damage. So in a way this website is stopping me from hastily CTBing and making me really plan it out and figure out the best timeline. If it wasn't for this place or lostallhope I probably would've made another failed attempt already

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I don't hate this place. It's an escape from a world that will never fully understand. I do disagree with some of the ideas here, but I can't say that I hate the entire forum. It's a place for people to be honest about their experiences without censorship.

Your feelings about this forum are complicated. It can be difficult to be vocal about these things, and I'm sure you're not alone in your feelings.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you (OP) feel like that but I think it's pretty much human. I don't hate this place here at all. It's such a great refuge for so many people who aren't heard outside, who are alone with litterally "life-changing" decisions sometimes. It's the nature of a forum that discusses suicide and methods that people will likely make use of them and leave otherwise they wouldn't be here.

It is always a sad moment and it touches me when I see members leaving but it is their choice even though they might be friends, seeing friends go is even harder. I often think about members I interacted with who CTBed but I also know they did not want to endure more suffering in their lives they are relieved.

 

[Forever Sleep]

No, I don't hate it, although maybe some things trouble me. My hate is focussed on the world and the shitty lives that brought us here in the first place. I think people do have the right to want to escape their lives in humane a way as possible.

I'd be so alone without this place. I guess that's kind of selfish though because I guess there are some things about it that trouble me. I don't like the thought of children being on here. But then- that's a larger problem with the internet. That, I definitely feel conflicted over though. Because, I was also suicidal as a child. So- I know it feels just as intense as having ideation as an adult. Worse in some ways because it can be harder to deal with the situations we are in- eg. toxic families, domestic abuse.

I suppose I just wonder what effect it has- to immerse yourself in such pessimism from the start. By it's very nature- there isn't much balance here. I doubt people find this place looking for the Recovery section. But then, I guess I just feel dismayed at our alternative options. What do young people have to feel hopeful about? Where is their support?

It's not fair to judge you though. I've lost plenty of people to natural death but none to suicide. None of us really know how we'd react.

Having said that- if I do manage to CTB one day, I'd hate for people to blame this site or- the internet at large. To me- that suggests I was coerced and too naive to recognise what effect outside influences were having on me. If I ever do CTB, it will 100% be my choice and will. I consciously researched methods because I desperately wanted out. I would want people to respect my wish and I would want people to acknowledge that we have the right to make that choice.

 

[user2394857]

I really appreciate this site and the people here, without SaSu I would feel more hopeless and insecure. But I also understand why you feel that way. I think we are entitled to the choice to go on this site/ctb like others are saying though.

 

[deadbody]

No, I love this site. This is one of the places where people can come and get real support from those who are going through the same thing.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

No! I love it on here! It's the only place I feel like l belong and I can come on here and vent without the fear of being judged. Also, most on here understand how I feel and most feel the same way.

 

[Aim]

Please hear me out. Hate is a strong word.
But I feel conflicted. Like there are two parts of me that are at absolute war with each other.
The suicidal side of me loves this place and finds so much comfort and hope in it. The secrecy of logging onto it without my friends knowing it exists is so peaceful. I can truly taste suicide when I am talking to all of you. It feels attainable.
But on the other token, I lost my very best friend because she got her materials on this website. My childhood best friend.
And then I am outraged.
I don't WANT other people to end their life. I don't want other people to be on this website finding comfort that they too can CTB. I want everyone here to get help, get better, find hope, find love, find purpose.
But then I feel selfish.

I feel selfish for wanting the comfort but wanting it to be taken away from others.
I feel selfish when I let that go and decide to truly be pro choice.
I feel selfish either way.

I could never comment on someone's thread encouraging them to follow through their plans. But I'd want that if I were me.

Why am I like this? Why am I conflicted?

Am I the only person that struggles?

Please don't come at me for being some pro-life freak. I really just am hurting and all this extra media coverage lately is making me just feel awful.

i understand you very much! <3 And it is very conflicting. without going to deep into it. Dont feel bad for staying here, but dont feel selfish to leave either. everyone needs to do what is best for them <3

 

[rainbowstagbeetle]

Please hear me out. Hate is a strong word.
But I feel conflicted. Like there are two parts of me that are at absolute war with each other.
The suicidal side of me loves this place and finds so much comfort and hope in it. The secrecy of logging onto it without my friends knowing it exists is so peaceful. I can truly taste suicide when I am talking to all of you. It feels attainable.
But on the other token, I lost my very best friend because she got her materials on this website. My childhood best friend.
And then I am outraged.
I don't WANT other people to end their life. I don't want other people to be on this website finding comfort that they too can CTB. I want everyone here to get help, get better, find hope, find love, find purpose.
But then I feel selfish.

I feel selfish for wanting the comfort but wanting it to be taken away from others.
I feel selfish when I let that go and decide to truly be pro choice.
I feel selfish either way.

I could never comment on someone's thread encouraging them to follow through their plans. But I'd want that if I were me.

Why am I like this? Why am I conflicted?

Am I the only person that struggles?

Please don't come at me for being some pro-life freak. I really just am hurting and all this extra media coverage lately is making me just feel awful.

i feel a similar way. wanting to encourage recovery doesn't make you bad imo. what makes this place so important is the aspect of choice. you aren't selfish.

 

[princexhhn]

love this place, but there is always a small part of me that hates that i am here.
a part of me that hates the fact that im even suicidal. the part of me that wishes i wasnt so sick so i wouldnt have to go here. the part of me that hates that of all places, this is where i find community. the very small part of me that yearns to be more "normal", which has died and died and died over the years until it became a pebble.

 

[Meditation guide]

You said: I could never comment on someone's thread encouraging them to follow through their plans.

and this:

I don't want other people to be on this website finding comfort that they too can CTB.

I haven't seen that happen here at all, where anyone was encouraged to ctb. I don't want anyone else to die either. I wish no one here ever decided to ctb. I simply want the right to do it myself. If others feel as I do I understand.

I get tremendous comfort here thinking that I too can ctb. I'm in unbearable suffering every waking moment, like many are here, and any bit of comfort I can find is literally a life saver. This site is all I have.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

You said: I could never comment on someone's thread encouraging them to follow through their plans.

Neither could I, and I haven't seen that happen here at all. I don't want anyone else to die either. I wish no one here ever decided to ctb. I simply want the right to do it myself. If others feel as I do I understand that.

I feel selfish for wanting the comfort but wanting it to be taken away from others.
I feel selfish when I let that go and decide to truly be pro choice.
I feel selfish either way.

There is something not understandable about saying YOU want to ctb but don't want OTHERS to be allowed to ctb. It doesn't add up.

You seem to think people here WANT OTHERS TO CTB. That is what pro life people think who use that excuse to have this site taken down.

Yeah If I'm suffering unbearable pain I should have the right to kill myself and I don't have to ask anyone else's permission or opinion on that. no one knows what kind of suffering i'm in or will be in if i don't kill myself. It's not anyone else's business what I do and I don't want anybody telling me I should have that right taken away from me . plus we are all mostly strangers . so it's even less of their business.