Is there a way to live without a consistent identity?

[me_when_:D]

I have quite an interesting issue.
My identity is constantly changing. (and at this point, Idc who I think I am, I just be)
It almost feels like I am going through "cycles of me" each lasting from hours to months (most often 1-3 weeks).
Each "cycle of me" has a little different set of values, goals, desires and environment.
Cycles that are not too far from each other can be pretty similar, but the farther you go, the bigger the difference.

If not for executive dysfunction and social/emotional issues, I can live pretty fine day to day.
The big question is, How would it affect my personality and life in general?
Or could I have a stable identity hidden from my conscious?

Spoiler: probable root causes for context (separated not to bloat an already decently sized post)

I am pretty sure I have Aspengers and ADHD, had very lonely and a bit neglected childhood.
my emotional memory is shit (memory for facts is good enough tho), so I forget my previous desires and values pretty easily,
I have pretty unstable mood (could feel a dopamine rush out of nowhere, even during sadness, but it's not mania),
and my mind jumps between a lot of thoughts.

One parent died to aids (3 times convicted alcoholic man),
The other is hard to call an adult (she had her own very traumatic childhood, so she couldn't develop herself into a proper adult).
I rejected almost all of the stuff my mother tried to teach me (I didn't see her as wise enough).
So I am pretty much a blank slate in terms of ethics, morals and values (add here Aspengers too)

I had some kind of consistent identity before my depression and identity crisis in 2022.
But it was built on trauma and hurt others, so I rejected it too.
Ever since it feels like that Buddhist wheel of perpetual reincarnation.
(Like actually, I have a hard time identifying myself from 4+ months ago as me).

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not that I know much about it but, have you also considered it might be DID? (Dissociative Identity Disorder.) But, yes- It seems like some people live with multiple identitites. Often created in response to trauma.

I expect for some, one 'personality' or, alter I believe they are called is more dominant. Some people seem to have a certain amount of control as well as to who is forefront. It's a very fascinating phenomenon I think. I can well understand how it happens. The nearest maybe I got was a kind of imaginary world. So, multiple imaginary friends who would accept me and protect me from a bully. But, as I understand it, a person can develop within themselves different characters that are able to cope better in traumatic situations.

I've always wondered how it must impact ideation. What if not all the alters are suicidal? There have been/ are members here with DID. I don't know if this is what you have but, I imagine they could relate.

 

[me_when_:D]

Not that I know much about it but, have you also considered it might be DID? (Dissociative Identity Disorder.) But, yes- It seems like some people live with multiple identitites. Often created in response to trauma.

I expect for some, one 'personality' or, alter I believe they are called is more dominant. Some people seem to have a certain amount of control as well as to who is forefront. It's a very fascinating phenomenon I think. I can well understand how it happens. The nearest maybe I got was a kind of imaginary world. So, multiple imaginary friends who would accept me and protect me from a bully. But, as I understand it, a person can develop within themselves different characters that are able to cope better in traumatic situations.

I've always wondered how it must impact ideation. What if not all the alters are suicidal? There have been/ are members here with DID. I don't know if this is what you have but, I imagine they could relate.

I have thought of DID too. I saw it on Mr. Robot lol.
I feel like there needs to be certain conditions met for DID to emerge.
And my conditions don't allow for the whole DID thing, but for something different.

Like these multiple different personalities have their own dedicated memory.
These barriers in memory allow for personalities to be different through remembering and experiencing different events.
I don't think I have these barriers, but yeah, it kinda feels like there are different sets of traits in me.

Like I have a part of me that wants me to die, if it is allowed control over my actions it tries to burn the bridges, fail at uni, fail at work, force other parts of me to ctb.
I also have a part of me that wants me to suffer, and gets almost like sadistic pleasure out of it (almost like I am torturing myself as a sadist, not as a masochist).
Something in me is very resistant of pain and suffering when feeling it, but is attracted to it when not feeling it.
I also have a part of me that wants to live, hopes, wants to be hugged and cared for.
These parts each have access to the same memory pool, but only one at a time can control my actions.
I have limited say in what part gets the control and control very often shifts (as described in cycles in the first post)