is there a person or people that keep you from catching the bus?

[ganpres37]

for me, it's just one person: my girlfriend. she's a huge, huge support for me. she raises my self esteem and makes me so happy. i love her so much and i hate thinking about how she'd react if she found out i was dead.

 

[stellabelle]

for me, it's just one person: my girlfriend. she's a huge, huge support for me. she raises my self esteem and makes me so happy. i love her so much and i hate thinking about how she'd react if she found out i was dead.

Yes and no. I care for someone deeply and know it would have a substantial impact on that person, but it doesn't stop me. I'm not quite sure what could, if anything. I just don't know which way suits me best.

 

[ScottPilgram]

The only reason I'm not dead yet is two thing
dying alone
and my older sister.
My oldest sister is my biggest supporter and best friend. When she was still home we would hang out a lot, when we went out of the house we stuck together. When I was in elementary and middle we had "sleepovers" in her room. She's amazing. I would kill myself but I have a concert I have to go to with her in march (weezer and the pixies) and I don't want to ruin it for her by dying.

 

[VoloFataliDoce]

My family was the reason, but the one I was most concerned about died last year. There isn't anyone else in my life I can say would make me want to stay. I have very few friends, and they are going to be too happy spending the money I'm leaving them to care that much (I'm not entirely serious; I know that they will be affected but I'm trying to minimize it as much as possible). This world can be a lonely place. That's one of the reasons I'm glad this forum exists.

 

[Norest4thewicked]

My mother. She is elderly now, I don't think she'd be able to take the shock. Once she goes, all bets are off

 

[21Neberg]

My parents haven given me everything I could have ever asked for, so definitely them.

 

[Whatshername]

No, I have literally no one. My nearest and dearest are no longer among the living. I have 2 friends living abroad whom I rarely see. They will be sad, but my death will not affect their lives in the long run.

I have some extended family, but they only care on a superficial level. The feeling is mutual. Cowardice is the only thing keeping me here.

 

[s_girl]

My husband truly is the most incredible human being and I love him so much... If anyone really could 'save' me, it would definitely be him. And I am obsessively in love with our two dogs too.

It's really sad that hurt and pain trumps love at the end of the day...

 

[Ruffian]

Yes, my boyfriend is one - he is very simple minded (not dumb, just not depressed,) but never tries to tell me everything will be peachy. He genuinely tries to understand, and we've at least been able to have the conversation that if I do CTB, he will hopefully know I'm in a better place and not hurting so much. Also my nephew who I love to death. My extended family is completely dysfunctional and abusive, but no one admits it. Every generation one person figures it out and rebels against how no one talks about it and always acts like we're normal. Before me, it was my aunt who ended up dying of cancer, then it was me, and now apparently my nephew got the torch. He's so young, so I hesitate to send him the message that CTB is the only way. I'm afraid it would influence him.

 

[15dec]

A friend from Malaysia who's been nothing but supportive and kind. Not sure if he'd ever find out if I ctb or if he'd just think I'm ignoring him.

Another close friend irl. He doesn't have any idea what's actually going through my mind but when he's noticed I'm upset he's still tried to be there for me and while I haven't been at college he's sent a lot of calls and texts asking if I'm okay. It'll probably be a huge shock to him and I don't want it to make him a less enthusiastic or happy person.

And to an extent my ex, because even though he despises me now he isn't a terrible person and if I ctb it'll probably have at least some kind of effect on him. Worst case scenario is that he blames himself and dwells on the last things he said to me or about me and thinks he's responsible for killing me. I don't think anyone deserves that burden and he's already been through enough without me adding to his problems. I really hope I've been overthinking this and that he'll just move on with his life...

 

[Terminated]

The only person that's keeping me alive is my best friend. I know he'll be quite sad when I go, which is a fairly conflicting emotion for me. I don't really care too much when I leave my family behind; I just don't want them to find me.

 

[Final Escape]

I guess not. I have some people I care about but nobody very close. I pushed everybody away a long time ago. I'm becoming the isolated old lady that sits at home, and only leaves the apt when necessary. I didn't expect to end up like this but in some ways I feel like I was fucked from the start. Sometimes I'll think I want to live but then realize I have nothing to live for. Nothing compelling enough. I've mostly survived my life but never felt like I was living it.

 

[mattwitt]

Right now there are 2 people in my life that have kept me going on for over 3 months now and they have no idea whatsoever they have done so.

 

[lady_godiva]

Only one at this point and it's me. I, for the life of me, have no idea why I'm still here. Absolutely dread the future but can't seem to take any sort of action. I reckon it'll be on pure impulse when I finally muster the will to end it.

 

[Terminated]

Only one at this point and it's me. I, for the life of me, have no idea why I'm still here. Absolutely dread the future but can't seem to take any sort of action. I reckon it'll be on pure impulse when I finally muster the will to end it.

I feel like that's one of the few things I'm waiting for. Impulse seems like a good excuse for taking the chance.

 

[Final Escape]

Only one at this point and it's me. I, for the life of me, have no idea why I'm still here. Absolutely dread the future but can't seem to take any sort of action. I reckon it'll be on pure impulse when I finally muster the will to end it.

I have to do it on impulse, but I need to at least know what I'm doing since failing is not a option when it comes to ctb. Yes me too, absolutely dread the future. I don't want to be alone yet I also cannot get really close to people anymore. Too much baggage and the ability to attach is just plain broken.

 

[Johnnythefox]

I have no attachment to anyone now, I know my younger brother will be badly affected. My mother turned eighty last week and is in a care home with dementia, so I no longer feel the need to avoid it for the sake of not hurting her.
I often think of how I've lived longer than a lot of people, who had their time cut short for whatever reason.
I've nothing more to contribute to this life, I only exist now, I'm alive but I'm not living.

 

[lady_godiva]

I have to do it on impulse, but I need to at least know what I'm doing since failing is not a option when it comes to ctb. Yes me too, absolutely dread the future. I don't want to be alone yet I also cannot get really close to people anymore. Too much baggage and the ability to attach is just plain broken.

Yeah, I relate pretty hard. The loneliness is just awful, but like you said, my ability to attach is broken. I've cut everyone out of my life except my parents and brother, and that's only because I still live with them. I can't maintain relationships let alone maintain myself. I'm just tired of it all, and normal interactions are nearly impossible for me now because the "I have to get out of here" feeling never leaves me.

 

[Sixfeetunder]

Nope. There are just more details I have to get sorted out, but I have a date picked out and I'm sticking with it no matter what. The only reason I'm here is due to the survival instinct and trying to sort out a few more details of my plans. Because I WILL succeed next time. I promised myself that.

 

[Buddyluv19]

No. I'm way too ill. My husband is wonderful, but it really is better for him that I go. I'm wasting resources he will need in the future.

 

[ReadyasEver]

In some ways yes and no, it's a continuing story. I'll miss family something terrible and they will me. I'm afraid of what will happen to them without me there. At the same time, we all go at some point and I have the house in order as best I can. I do what I can to enjoy the time I have.

 

[Chalken]

Yes, my parents. I won't forget my mother's reaction when she found out I was self-harming. It would most likely destroy my family, but I know that as things are right now, I will eventually give in to my suicidal thoughts. Or maybe I'll always be too much of a pussy to go through with it.

 

[Misanthrope]

I have to keep on enduring for a while longer because of the people in my life I love dearly. I have this criteria I must reach with each of them before I initiate my end. I must ensure they are as safe as they can be. But fuck is this going to do some damage… Damage I am glad I won't have to witness but still ruminate on and find myself imagining. There is just no way to mitigate that. It is hard, and I am so done but I love them. Just not enough to stay long term for them. Like many here, what I am living now is a pretence of life reduced to its barest element of being in pain that I cannot meaningfully fix. Longevity of life is pointless without quality of life to go along with it.

 

[ReadyasEver]

I have to keep on enduring for a while longer because of the people in my life I love dearly. I have this criteria I must reach with each of them before I initiate my end. I must ensure they are as safe as they can be. But fuck is this going to do some damage… Damage I am glad I won't have to witness but still ruminate on and find myself imagining. There is just no way to mitigate that. It is hard, and I am so done but I love them. Just not enough to stay long term for them. Like many here, what I am living now is a pretence of life reduced to its barest element of being in pain that I cannot meaningfully fix. Longevity of life is pointless without quality of life to go along with it.

I understand completely. I just am trying to have a few more good experiences with those close. Do the best I can to leave a decent mark on their life.

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

My friend, cause he's got depression of his own and I'd hate for my suicide to be what drives him over the edge. Strangely I don't feel any guilt towards my family, but that's apathy for ya

 

[cherub]

Nope! There certainly are people that I love and will miss, but my desire to die far surpasses that to stay here and be with them...enough so that I still will ctb.

 

[goxua]

I understand completely. I just am trying to have a few more good experiences with those close. Do the best I can to leave a decent mark on their life.

This is what I'm focusing on too. I'm concentrating on a lot of one-on-one time.

 

[LastDay]

My boyfriend: We've dated for 9 years and gone through 2 break ups because of my self destructiveness. Part of me wants to believe we can repair but I've done a lot of damage to our relationship so I don't know...

My therapist: I've been working with her since September. She's fairly experienced in my particular mental illnesses and is very committed to helping me work through them. I've struggled my whole life, pain is all I've known so I'm scared at the thought of getting better. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to be as committed. We'll see I guess...

You could say 2019 is the year I'll either get my shit together or kill myself so stay tuned folks.

 

[Pulpit2018]

Person?No. I would never allow myself to be restrained by someone else,and miss my ride.