Help Is there a difference between commiting an abuse and being abusive?

[Pallf]

I'm wondering if it's possible for folks to commit an abuse, but to still not be abusive. Essentially I don't want to overreact and say I'm being abused by someone if they do some abusive actions toward me, but also act normal towards me.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

It would help us if you did write out a more detailed comprehensive post so we can help you the most :8
To answer your question as it is phrased then yes.
People can commit an "abuse"(you never defined the type etc) and not be abusive as everyone makes mistakes.

 

[feast or famine]

Abuse is abuse. It's a pretty black and white issue, in my opinion. Someone can't be kind of abusive. They either are or aren't. This is just my two cents.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

Abuse is abuse. It's a pretty black and white issue, in my opinion. Someone can't be kind of abusive. They either are or aren't. This is just my two cents.

This is fairly ironic when you consider the fact that black and white thinking is exactly what you are doing.
Obviously someone can on a one off say something mean and they are not automatically abusive and a bad person.

 

[feast or famine]

This is fairly ironic when you consider the fact that black and white thinking is exactly what you are doing.
Obviously someone can on a one off say something mean and they are not automatically abusive and a bad person.

I said it is a black and white issue to me because obviously that is what I consider it to be. There is no irony in that, lol. If someone has to ask themselves if another person is abusive, they probably are and they should reevaluate if they want that person in their life.

No one is given passes in my life because they acted abusive but didn't mean to. The intent behind words or actions doesn't matter if it is translating as abusive.

Moving on from that. You're entitled to your opinions as I am mine. You don't have to agree. That's what is nice about these forums. You can simply just not engage then if you don't agree?

 

[hoping to lose hope]

Um...I said it is a black and white issue to me because obviously that is what I consider it to be. If someone has to ask themselves if another person is abusive, they probably are and they should reevaluate if they want that person in their life.

No one is given passes in my life because they acted abusive but didn't mean to. There is really no difference.

Moving on from that. You're entitled to your opinions as I am mine. You don't have to agree. That's what is nice about these forums. You can simply just not engage then if you don't agree?

Oh wow thanks for being a nice person :3
I am quite happy to discuss this further if you would like to and if not that is fine by me.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

I'm wondering if it's possible for folks to commit an abuse, but to still not be abusive. Essentially I don't want to overreact and say I'm being abused by someone if they do some abusive actions toward me, but also act normal towards me.

You may need to be a little more specific but you don't have to share if you're not comfortable.

If some of their actions have been abusive then I would go ahead and say you're being abused. Sometimes abusers can be normal/loving one minute and abusive the next. This can often be a form of control/manipulation to try and convince you that they're not abusive.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

You may need to be a little more specific but you don't have to share if you're not comfortable.

If some of their actions have been abusive then I would go ahead and say you're being abused. Sometimes abusers can be normal/loving one minute and abusive the next. This can often be a form of control/manipulation to try and convince you that they're not abusive.

BPD partners are notorious for what you described but without more details it is not right to say either which way because relationships are complicated!!

 

[Pallf]

Thank you all for replying. I appreciate all of you and the answers you've given me. I'm hesitant right now to provide examples, but I hope to provide some soon. Right now I feel guilty about airing dirty laundry about my family.

 

[Life_and_Death]

it can be really difficult to say. and no its not black and white.

i use to have this really horrible problem with my husband. hes typically really good and helps me out but sometimes some of the things he says and does makes me feel like im being mentally abused to the point where i can be left in tears because i dont know what to do about it. however after talking to one of the members here about it and getting their opinion i came to the conclusion that its probably just my disorders seeing things. so i can understand why it might be difficult to tell and not wanting to just react in case you were wrong. if i had of reacted i would have lost the best thing in my life, all financial stability and my 2 little kitties and i wouldnt be doing very good right now.

BPD partners are notorious for what you described but without more details it is not right to say either which way because relationships are complicated!!

being one myself agreed. but its not so much "abuse" as much as it is me reacting out of fear that can be taken the wrong way. plus just switching between personalities in general probably makes it difficult for the outside that only sees the one person

 

[hoping to lose hope]

OP be careful taking others advice.
It is vital to realize perceived reality and the way things truly are can never truly align so we have to do our best job at thinking hard and considering all perspectives.
This is exactly why we ask other peoples opinions.

 

[feast or famine]

it can be really difficult to say. and no its not black and white.

i use to have this really horrible problem with my husband. hes typically really good and helps me out but sometimes some of the things he says and does makes me feel like im being mentally abused to the point where i can be left in tears because i dont know what to do about it. however after talking to one of the members here about it and getting their opinion i came to the conclusion that its probably just my disorders seeing things. so i can understand why it might be difficult to tell and not wanting to just react in case you were wrong. if i had of reacted i would have lost the best thing in my life, all financial stability and my 2 little kitties and i wouldnt be doing very good right now.

being one myself agreed. but its not so much "abuse" as much as it is me reacting out of fear that can be taken the wrong way. plus just switching between personalities in general probably makes it difficult for the outside that only sees the one person

The only reason why I say it's black and white is because I've been through an extremely abusive relationship and after going through that, it's become a black and white issue to me.

It doesn't happen over night and maybe it never becomes that for some people. For me though and in my experience, it is now a black and white issue. I realize my experience isn't everyone's.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

The only reason why I say it's black and white is because I've been through an extremely abusive relationship and after going through that, it's become a black and white issue to me.

It doesn't happen over night and maybe it never becomes that for some people. For me though and in my experience, it is now a black and white issue. I realize my experience isn't everyone's.

Not actually a logical approach but hey I also am moulded by past experience which defines my perspective.
I do not think it is right to share your flawed view to others though especially when you admit that it is not right.

 

[Life_and_Death]

The only reason why I say it's black and white is because I've been through an extremely abusive relationship and after going through that, it's become a black and white issue to me.

It doesn't happen over night and maybe it never becomes that for some people. For me though and in my experience, it is now a black and white issue.

oh yeah totally. abuse or not, if youre not happy then leave. you shouldnt ever have to put up with less and that was one of my struggles. even if it is just me i deserve to be happy. although im kinda liking the way i have it now where i at least seemed to have figured it out, because he really is an awesome guy. it all depends on the person. but definitely, if you arent happy do what will make you happy. no matter the cause you shouldnt put your mental health at risk

 

[woxihuanni]

Abuse is ALWAYS mixed with sprinkles of 'tenderness'. Like when my husband locked me up in the bedroom and cut off my internet and left the house for the terrible crime of me mentioning her name. And next day he bought me chocolate. I cried my eyes out thinking he was good inside and it was all a misunderstanding.

It was not. It was systematic torture.

 

[feast or famine]

Not actually a logical approach but hey I also am moulded by past experience which defines my perspective.
I do not think it is right to share your flawed view to others though especially when you admit that it is not right.

You don't dictate what is logical or not for other people, especially when your view is no more or less flawed than mine. You're a bit self righteous.

And also, before you get even more ahead of yourself, I was simply sharing why I think it's a black and white issue TO ME. That isn't admitting it's "not right". For me, it is right. I was reiterating I don't speak for everyone. Maybe when you obtain more nuance, you'll understand this.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

You don't dictate what is logical or not for other people.

Do you mean me personally or in a general sense?
We can actually within reason use reason to dictate what is reasonable otherwise we would have no way to judge the merit of anything.
A big part of dialectical therapy is coming to learn this :3

 

[feast or famine]

Do you mean me personally or in a general sense?
We can actually within reason use reason to dictate what is reasonable otherwise we would have no way to judge the merit of anything.
A big part of dialectical therapy is coming to learn this :3

Don't come to a suicide forum speaking for all. You're showing your ignorance. And your condescension is comedic at best. Thank you for the laughs.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

Don't come to a suicide forum speaking for all. You're showing your ignorance. And your condescension is comedic at best. Thank you for the laughs.

Oh um I hope I did not upset chu at all :3
I do not see any point arguing with chu as clearly you do not understand my points and elaborating would be useless.

 

[feast or famine]

Oh um I hope I did not upset chu at all :3
I do not see any point arguing with chu as clearly you do not understand my points and elaborating would be useless.

Useless indeed. Glad you realize that. Have a good rest of your day.

 

[Giraffey]

I believe that an abusive act can be perpetrated by someone who has no intention of being abusive. But abusers often intersperse sweet or non-abusive gestures with abusive ones, literally blowing hot and cold as part of their manipulation.

I will say this much though, regardless of whether or not you're 'technically' being abused, the fact you have found a reason to query whether or not you might be being abused tells me that a red flag has been raised in your mind about the person in question, in my personal experience, one should never ignore these subconscious red flags, my advice would be to walk away from this situation before it escalates and reaches the point where there is no question of whether or not you're being abused...

Obviously, this is all purely subjective, it's ultimately your decision how you act and where you draw the line, but those are my own thoughts speaking from experience as a victim of abuse and as a clinician who has met and dealt with victims and perpetrators of abuse alike.

 

[Goodbye710]

Woxihuanni and slowmo when saying they abuse then shortly after they bribe you is spot on.

If they bribe you, you are probably being abused, in my experience.

The bribe is to lower your defenses. The moment you do, the abuse occurs again.

If you keep your guard up, eventually an abuser will get mad. Very mad.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Essentially I don't want to overreact and say I'm being abused by someone if they do some abusive actions toward me, but also act normal towards me.

I think it's more common that someone will act normal much of the time. The question is, is abuse a part of how the relationship functions? Abuse is about power, and someone who functions as being abusive does not share power about certain things or at all.

Here's a thread I posted that might help you determine if they have the mind set of an abuser when it comes to you.

 

[TimeLawyer]

I have heard some people say that physical abuse is always straightforward and objective, while verbal and emotional abuse is subjective. That being said, you could say well, if one person slaps another person in the face, maybe they had a lot of anger/emotions to get out and that was their way of expressing it? What about cultures where it is normal to settle disputes that way or by fighting or in the old days when men hit each other/fought out of anger more often and it wasn't always an offense in a court of law? Is a person who cries for help during a medical emergency emotionally manipulating people towards helping them instead of getting on with their day and ignoring them? Just being present with another person or asking them for something potentially influences what they will do or feel. I know that there are ways of treating people that feel very painful and devastating to many, and I don't normally approve of violence due to the devastating effect it can have on a victim, (and how does one know that one has the right to cause harm to/ retaliate against another person anyway..) but what if no country had fought back during world war 2? I don't know one single person who wants the world to be run by nazis. What about domestic violence victims who fight back in self defence? Are they being abusive in that moment, even though they are saving their own lives and possibly their children's'? It is a complicated question, but if something someone has done makes you feel unsafe or suicidal, you are entitled to get out/get away from the person if that's what you need, and if you notice a repeating pattern of something happening it may very well be deliberate harm as opposed to purely accidental.

 

[sarahR]

Mentally abuse for me it's the worse. My parents do that to me almost at a daily basis.

 

[Ghost2211]

Abuse is ALWAYS mixed with sprinkles of 'tenderness'. Like when my husband locked me up in the bedroom and cut off my internet and left the house for the terrible crime of me mentioning her name. And next day he bought me chocolate. I cried my eyes out thinking he was good inside and it was all a misunderstanding.

It was not. It was systematic torture.

Do you live in a country where abusing women is normal and legal? I'm not asking for specifics obviously I'm not that creepy. i'm just wondering because your husband seems to do some very blatantly illegal things from where I am.

 

[woxihuanni]

Do you live in a country where abusing women is normal and legal? I'm not asking for specifics obviously I'm not that creepy. i'm just wondering because your husband seems to do some very blatantly illegal things from where I am.

It is all illegal here. Systematic torture, multiple instances of false imprisonment, conspiring and attempting to steal documents, academic malpractice, fraud, you name it. He even still keeps the key to lock me up again if I dare do anything he doesn't like.

To always remember, all of this under a. f.'s orders. He tried to stand up to her, but gave in more and more.

 

[Ghost2211]

It is all illegal here. Systematic torture, multiple instances of false imprisonment, conspiring and attempting to steal documents, academic malpractice, fraud, you name it. He even still keeps the key to lock me up again if I dare do anything he doesn't like.

To always remember, all of this under a. f.'s orders. He tried to stand up to her, but gave in more and more.

If it is illegal why not bring the matter to the police? I can get being too tired and apathetic to carry-on but you still seem to have a fire in you. If you could destroy him with the legal system would that not be preferable?

 

[woxihuanni]

If it is illegal why not bring the matter to the police? I can get being too tired and apathetic to carry-on but you still seem to have a fire in you. If you could destroy him with the legal system would that not be preferable?

I can do it. It doesn't make my own life any better, though.

 

[Ghost2211]

I can do it. It doesn't make my own life any better, though.

At least it fucks him over. It's honestly equally disgusting to think that he's going to get away with this BS. Trust me, mine won't.