Venting Is suicide your first choice?

[FuneralCry]

In my case, it absolutely is. I could never want anything to do with existing and I could never wish to stay here no matter the circumstances. I will just never understand the appeal of life and why it's something that is so "valuable" to the point that people want to gatekeep suicide and force others to stay here. There are many reasons as to why life in itself is a terrible concept, as we exist in this chaotic world where everything is so unpredictable, suffering is simply inevitable and anyway life is just a futile, unnecessary process that has never interested me. I don't wish to decay from age and suffer even more in the process, it's undeniable that life in itself is something harmful.

Suicide could never be a "last resort", as suicide is the preferable option over everything else as suicide solves everything. There was never a need for this unnecessary existence in the first place and I view non existence as being so incredibly ideal. Existence was only an option I was so unfairly burdened with, it could never be a choice that I would wish to make. It's just very unfortunate how we exist in a world where there is a lack of acceptance towards the most logical choice, which is to not delay the inevitable. If suicide wasn't so incredibly difficult, the choice to leave would had been a choice I made a long time ago.

 

[orca87]

I have suicidal thoughts since I was 15. That's more than 20 years now. Up until recently, I always considered ctb as last resort, because I was trapped in the illusion that tomorrow will be better. And so some degree, tomorrow was better – up until a point where my life became almost perfect but I was still too depressed to realize it at that time. And then, a year ago, this whole facade collapsed. Everything fell apart.

Now, I'm at the same time as you: Whatever tomorrow brings, it won't be enough for me to see value in merely existing.

 

[Danielwc]

I myself never understand this concept that life is 'a gift'. Humanity has suffered too much for this to be some kind of privilege. The whole thing stinks. What I worry about is that life is not the end. Say we live on and reincarnate, we'd be in a shit position again, probably worse. In the in-between bit we'd be with the assholes that set this world up.

 

[CentreMid]

I will admit, it wasn't before a long time ago, but its presence as a clear and obvious solution for me has increased as the years pass. I didn't ask to be born, yet here I am, and I am forced to suffer for it. There is no point in continuing to suffer, especially with the declining state of the world, plus, I would also prefer to leave on my own terms before I am too old and feeble to carry such a thing out.

We felt nothing before we were born, and I suspect that will be the same when we die, nothing. We will not miss anything, and we won't want anything more. Nonexistence is definitely preferable to whatever we've got going on here.

 

[thisiswhoiam-]

Yes, but i have 0 willpower and i'm the biggest coward ever. Not comparable to some person that just ctbed on a whim to someone like me that's been afraid for 10 years.

 

[trist]

it wasn't my first choice when i first started considering suicide, but it has been my first choice for three years now. i i stumbled upon this site back then, but i didn't join because i was only 16 and there was no way for me to order sn. and now, three years later, i actually joined, which means that it didn't get better all this time. so yes, it's my first choice and as i'm older now i actually have a chance of acquiring what i need.

 

[Sluggish_Slump]

maybe if you would lobotomize me , I wouldn't consider it as a first option. I don't think there's a way to prevent conscious beings like us not to be able to think about suicide as an option

 

[SilentSadness]

I would not consider ctb a last resort either, after all life itself is bad enough to ctb. No matter what circumstances I could be in, there would still be so much suffering that ctb is the best option. Happiness is minor and passes as quickly as it comes, ctb thoughts are certainly not irrational. I too would have killed myself a long time ago if only it wasn't so brutally restricted, it seems people just despise the idea of me being at peace. I really hate this world and leaving is the best I can ask for. I hope you find peace from the horrors this world has to offer.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

For me yes-I've always hated being me and hated having to deal with reality. I don't get any joy out of life and on top of that some of the traumatic things I've been through, I don't need this life. All I remember is just being miserable and I don't think it's possible for me to get anything out of it it's just not for me. If others can find happiness in life or think there's a chance they can recover I'm all for that. As for me when I'm gone I won't have to listen to pro-lifers telling me "life's a gift" or "life's tough deal with it" I'll be glad to get away from all of them that's for sure.

 

[wait-bus-stop]

It has always been my first choice compared to aging and a nursing home. The idea is that I would be gone long before that moment. Therefore it will happen, just when is the quesiton

 

[Forever Sleep]

If it was as simple as making a choice without any consequences and without any effort- then- yes- it would be my go-to choice multiple times throughout just about any given day.

That's sadly not the reality though. I believe my suicide would cause consequences in other people's lives. That I find difficult to ignore. Plus- it seems like dying takes just as much effort and risk as living!

I have made steps towards doing it- sorting out my method and my affairs- will etc. Still- the final step relies for me on waiting for my Dad to go first- and then, having the guts to go ahead with it.

Sadly, I don't think anything in life or death is as simple as just making a choice. Just about everything we want takes a whole load of effort- including death. Even assisted suicides take effort I imagine. I imagine there is a whole load of paperwork and legal stuff- not to mention, a whole lot of money to pay.

In some ways, I suppose living on might be 'easier' for now at least for me. It's the more known of the two options. I don't know how much I'll suffer in an attempt. I can't even be 100% sure it will work and if it doesn't- I'm REALLY screwed. I don't have anyone to look after me. Plus, while I HOPE there is nothing after death- I'm not absolutely certain of it.

I'll likely just have to wait until things become even worse- so that the desire to die overwhelms everything else. I guess that's what we're all waiting for ultimately...

 

[ptolemaea]

i wouldn't say it's the first choice. i'm going through therapy and trying meditation, but if none of that works i will be killing myself. i've been around longer than i really ever wanted to be. i've had suicidal thoughts since i was a young child, i can't envision a life where i don't CTB.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

No, CTB wouldn't have been my first choice. Obtaining the most basic of niceties in life, like a spouse who loves me, understands me, is my best friend, children who love me, eventual grandchildren, good friends, absolute financial security, happiness, and contentment, that would have been my preferred place to be at this point in my life. Life's circumstances can end up deciding for oneself the best course of action of how to proceed.

 

[OceanBlue]

Hard pass on existence, I wish I had never been born.

I'm only here because I'm trapped by pro-living natalists, who each should be getting a proper goodbye throat kick (at the very least) from every single one of us, then maybe they'd reconsider denying us the right to a peaceful exit.