Discussion Is sexuality part of why you want to CTB?

[ShatteredSerenity]

Is sexuality part of why you want to CTB?

I was thinking about this because I know oppresion against gay people has historically been a well-known cause of suicide, but the underlying factors can apply to anyone across the spectrum of sexual identities. I'm curious what others are experiencing.

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To answer for myself:

For context I'd describe myself as heteroflexible, genderqueer, and autistic. I lump autism in with sexuality and gender identity because it's such a deep part of my personality that it massively impacts every relationship.

Even though I'm not gay, I still can identify with the pain of being excluded and ostracised because I never fit in with "the boys" and I was very lonely throughout childhood. I wanted a girlfriend (maybe boyfriend) but it felt hopeless because I was too quiet and odd. I was smart, ambitious, and did interesting things though, and in college I met a girl who appreciated all that and we got married about 20 years ago.

Marriage wasn't completely satisfying and I still wanted to meet different types of people, so I got into non-monogamy. Building new relationships was exciting, but autism kept getting in the way. Unfortunately I'm afraid non-monogomy helped bring about the downfall of our marriage, which is devastating. Once my wife got to spend intimate time with neurotypical men she became frustrated that I wasn't the same way. It was gut wrenching that I couldn't be that for her, and the feeling of rejection is agonizing.

Now all of my relationships have fallen apart and I'm separated from my wife. No longer having a partner for intimate activities and sex is so hard for me. Sex was never the most important thing to me, but I was always a sexual person and it hurts so much to loose that.

Things wouldn't be so bad if I could still date and find someone new, but my mental health and life situation are both so bad that nobody in their right mind would want to partner with me. My depression is so severe I can't take care of myself or hold a conversation about anything besides despair and suicide, and the bipolar meds are making me fat. The thought of spending the rest of my life alone is crushing, I'd rather be dead.

 

[voir2]

Is your problem lack of intimacy or lack of sexuality ?
Maybe it is not a good thing to do with your depression but I think you may have hookups with other men and they will mostly not care about your situation.

 

[Namelesa]

Not having a partner has somewhat effected my want to ctb as I have used relationships to fill the constant empty feeling I have. However if I am in a relationship, I am going to be paranoid of doing anything wrong as I worry they would leave me cus I have an intense fear of abandonment. I also become really guilty if I disappoint or upset them and if I feel like I am not cared for enough I can feel worthless and start to resent my partner.

That resentment and worthlessness lead me to cheat on my 2nd partner as I felt like I wasn't able to express my emotions and wants in the relationship as that often upset him and made him feel guilty. In the relationship I tried to go along with what he wanted even if I didn't really want to do some things or wanted something in return but I snapped at a certain pointed and cheated which I forever hate myself for. These problems in relationships still leaves me to be suicidal while in them.

I also have some sexual thoughts that I will forever be shameful and guilty about and hate myself for which has caused me to want to die even more and to self harm to punish myself for having these thoughts.

 

[LostLily]

Despite being 33 , I never dated anyone partially because of self-hatred

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

Is your problem lack of intimacy or lack of sexuality ?
Maybe it is not a good thing to do with your depression but I think you may have hookups with other men and they will mostly not care about your situation.

I totally was considering this, but I'm so lonely I need intimacy first. I really miss giving and receiving affection, sex was just icing on the cake.

 

[Tig]

Let me, be me: syndrome.
You just have to figure out where stand, and surround yourself with like minded people.

There will always be naysayers and critics, #$%&em.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

For me, it's the fact that I'm alone and an outcast. It has nothing to do with my sexual orientation, but I probably don't feel any differently than people who feel cast out because of their sexuality. It is definitely hard feeling unwanted. And I don't have the disposition to keep looking for the bright side.

 

[voir2]

I totally was considering this, but I'm so lonely I need intimacy first. I really miss giving and receiving affection, sex was just icing on the cake.

While you were still with your ex, were you dating more girls or more men ? Did you had real intimacy with some of them ?
As you are divorcee, you could surely find someone wanting to share some intimacy.

As for myself, I am not good dating material. A life of never ending lack of intimacy and sexuality is certainly a big part of why I want to ctb.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

No

I dislike this world of labels we find ourselves in. Tbh, I don't understand why people feel the need to apply so many. Are they not restrictive rather than liberating? Is it not just another box?

But peace be with you anyway x

 

[avalokitesvara]

happiness never comes from the satisfaction of desires. you found this in your marriage, it didn't fulfil you so you sought more in the form of nonmonogamy. now you remember how it was to be married and want to go back to that.

the nature of desire is its own continuation. even if you got exactly what you think you want, you will start to want something else instead, or your satisfaction will wear off and you will be unhappy again.

the only way out is to find out the root of desire.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Kinda but not in the sense of what you mean. Envy of cis women and their sexuality is a reason i will ctb. I am gender dysphoric and women flaunting their body/sexuality triggers me.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

As long as I can think back I was dreaming of a violent death. Extreme sexual masochism is the cause, I want to experience the process of dying and accept the inevitable but not wanted side effect of beeing dead. I suppressed my dark side over decades but now the fear of ending in a nursing home adds a second cause to kill myself. My sexuality should be a grace to overcome SI but unfortunuately aging reduces my fatal sexual desires.

 

[Ozzyno]

I grew up with a father that continuously created competition between me and my brothers… I have two older brothers, in my case my competition was between me and the middle one, he is extroverted but let's just say he was not the best at school, I was the opposite, so he used to humiliate me because of my lack of social skills and humiliate my brother because of his lack of knowledge/success at school/work.

Maybe you are wondering why I am telling you this, well because the answer to your question is yes. My mental health problem is related to sex, mainly the sense of loneliness I have, I really need validation from someone and I would do anything to have the warm feeling of someone appreciating me… it's so hard to live like this… I constantly feel like I need someone to show me I can be loved like he never did, every couple of weeks something happens and maybe I get a compliment so I feel good for a while then that energy evaporates and then anxiety begins…

In all of this he also convinced me unintentionally I think that my mother is a pathological liar, so I didn't trust her love and compliments she used to tell me. My mother ended up cheating on him so I also have a bad view of her… I can't deal with that middle brother because of that competition and he hates seeing me having economical success or just anything that resembles intelligence or knowledge. I've gone too far with this answer.