Help Is secluding the right call?

[whatevs]

I am a 30 yo virgin without a driver's license because of chronic fatigue/an sleep disorder on top of being mentally ill (schizotypal, autistic and childhood sexual abuse).

I enrolled in a programming course 2 years ago, which gave me something to distract myself and dream of being marginally autonomous (unrealistically). My classmates mostly saw me as responsible and studious, but people in the forum can attest that I am something entirely different.

There were some attempts by them to have me in a dinner, gaming session or sports event. I turned them down skillfully alleging illness or just using the trusted technique of "we should definitely do it some day I agree" and hoping they forget about it, which they did. Why?

In conversations I noticed that they saw the world quite differently from me, and in fact I would go as far as to say I hated some of what they liked. Furthermore, as I slipped further into depression I actually just didn't like or care much about anything, but the healthy me definitely was opposed to their lifestyle and worldview to a significant extent.

However, I did notice that when I was feeling almost comfortable around them something healthy might have been occurring in my psyche, so I struggled with the idea of actually trying to get closer to these people. Ultimately though, I figured out the lack of similarities between us and my shameful/alien life story would make a sure recipe for something even worse than just friendlessness, but the active reminder that I was intrinsically foreign and doomed. My father would have to drive where they were etc.

What do you think? What would've been the best course of action? Do you reckon it could have been a disaster or that I should have tried? I have to add that it's not just in my head that getting closer to groups of people has proven to be more painful to me than being alone.

 

[Foresight]

In regard to friendship I think people like us should mostly be around people like us. I don't think isolation is good for anyone at all, but finding like minded people is important. The awkward people, strange, outcast, etc. I haven't hung out with most people in many years and I'm happy. I spend my days either in honest recovery from long term suicidality, studying bizarre esotericism, or chatting with the two people I do have in my life that are just as weird or outcast. I never have to deny myself or the truth that I struggle. With normal people it feels like I need to hide most of myself and existence.

We're alien to people who've had relatively normal paths and they're alien to us. I exchange pleasantries with them as it's not us vs them. It's more of a mismatch in compatibility on both sides. We're distant to each other in human existence. I've been "work buddies" with less down and out people during a shift, but outside work things can get awkward. Embrace a work friend, don't let go or block of any natural flow of connection. Just be protective of people who make you feel bad. Friendship should feel good and open.

As a result of being selective with who gets close I've lost most of my neuroticism in day-to-day life. The meaningless comparisons to other people, obsessing over my rank in the crowd, thinking about how awkward I am, how low I am, etc. I just associate with my people, which can usually be found online. I meet them though if I can. It's nice having people in person.

I tried the whole integrate fully back into society thing for a few years and it robbed me of the strange, unique self I've become. I'm able to be myself daily with no apologies for my downfall and no comparing my lifestyle.

I do think a license would be good for you. It might make you feel better. Focus in on your programming to build yourself up. Connect with people who you naturally connect with. Try to give yourself forgiveness for what's happened so far. A lot of people in our age group were crushed under the weight of life. With the internet a lot of people left society behind. We're out there, you're not alone.

 

[whatevs]

In regard to friendship I think people like us should mostly be around people like us. I don't think isolation is good for anyone at all, but finding like minded people is important. The awkward people, strange, outcast, etc. I haven't hung out with most people in many years and I'm happy. I spend my days either in honest recovery from long term suicidality, studying bizarre esotericism, or chatting with the two people I do have in my life that are just as weird or outcast. I never have to deny myself or the truth that I struggle. With normal people it feels like I need to hide most of myself and existence.

We're alien to people who've had relatively normal paths and they're alien to us. I exchange pleasantries with them as it's not us vs them. It's more of a mismatch in compatibility on both sides. We're distance to each other in human existence. I've been "work buddies" with less down and out people during a shift, but outside work things can get awkward. Embrace a work friend, don't let go or block of any natural flow of connection. Just be protective of people who make you feel bad. Friendship should feel good and open.

As a result of being selective with who gets close I've lost most of my neuroticism in day-to-day life. The meaningless comparisons to other people, obsessing over my rank in the crowd, thinking about how awkward I am, how low I am, etc. I just associate with my people, which can usually be found online. I meet them though if I can. It's nice having people in person.

I tried the whole integrate fully back into society thing for a few years and it robbed me of the strange, unique self I've become. I'm able to be myself daily with no apologies for my downfall and no comparing my lifestyle.

I do think a license would be good for you. It might make you feel better. Focus in on your programming to build yourself up. Connect with people who you naturally connect with. Try to give yourself forgiveness for what's happened so far. A lot of people in our age group were crushed under the weight of life. With the internet a lot of people left society behind. We're out there, you're not alone.

Wow, I found this incredibly helpful and on point. Alongside with a small win today, made me feel better and certainly found your advice and experience grounding.

Thank you. You're great!

 

[lili]

It's really hard to find people to truly connect with or identify with. I feel where I'm from there's not that many people I can connect with.

I don't blame you for not trying. It's exhausting to be around people you don't connect with. In general I find socialization to be very tiring, although I flip a lot so other times I get excited by it. But when I do get excited I remember how superficial it can be. And it's really aggravating how superficial it is.

I find that for me doing any normal job too is hard, I am incapable of doing that because of my emotions. The one thing I can do is art, and so I do admit that in that field it's a lot easier to find people that have similar views to me. Although to a certain extent. Sometimes it helps to study/to work on something you enjoy and then by doing what you enjoy people that are more similar to you will naturally start trickling in. Although I understand finding that thing you like can be very hard in some circumstances and for some people.


The license might help too. I also have a lot of stuff I need to get together in my life. I'm turning 30 soon and I don't care about being 30 but people constantly remind me how helpless and immature I am. But finally I got a license recently, although this is stupid but I still feel like I don't know how to drive well and get scared by it. Because I've had so many car accidents already. It's hard to start and be motivated to get the license.

 

[edu0z]

I am a 30 yo virgin without a driver's license because of chronic fatigue/an sleep disorder on top of being mentally ill (schizotypal, autistic and childhood sexual abuse).

I enrolled in a programming course 2 years ago, which gave me something to distract myself and dream of being marginally autonomous (unrealistically). My classmates mostly saw me as responsible and studious, but people in the forum can attest that I am something entirely different.

There were some attempts by them to have me in a dinner, gaming session or sports event. I turned them down skillfully alleging illness or just using the trusted technique of "we should definitely do it some day I agree" and hoping they forget about it, which they did. Why?

In conversations I noticed that they saw the world quite differently from me, and in fact I would go as far as to say I hated some of what they liked. Furthermore, as I slipped further into depression I actually just didn't like or care much about anything, but the healthy me definitely was opposed to their lifestyle and worldview to a significant extent.

However, I did notice that when I was feeling almost comfortable around them something healthy might have been occurring in my psyche, so I struggled with the idea of actually trying to get closer to these people. Ultimately though, I figured out the lack of similarities between us and my shameful/alien life story would make a sure recipe for something even worse than just friendlessness, but the active reminder that I was intrinsically foreign and doomed. My father would have to drive where they were etc.

What do you think? What would've been the best course of action? Do you reckon it could have been a disaster or that I should have tried? I have to add that it's not just in my head that getting closer to groups of people has proven to be more painful to me than being alone.

It is very comforting to simply stay days and days in the solitude of the room. Without talking to anyone either physically or online. Sure, sometimes it's not that nice. There are times when you are depressed and anxious and loneliness goes from being a shield to being an incessant torture that makes you want to throw yourself in front of the first bus that passes in front of your house.

I am one of those people who like to base my happiness on hobbies and the professional way. I enjoy fighting for goals and dreams rather than going out at night with friends or to activities.

Yet human beings are social creatures. We are programmed by millions of years of evolution of our brain to feel happy in a group of individuals. In a group we find comfort, acceptance, understanding... Things that we can provide ourselves but still need from other people.

I have lived very happy times in solitude, but I still think you need people who are there for you and for whom you can be there when they need it. Know that there are people even if you are not constantly interacting with them, but people that you know are part of your circle. It's something that can help you psychologically in a way we all need.

Connecting with a person is important. You can't be friends with someone who doesn't understand you or who you can't understand... since there would be no empathy... but connecting does not mean that both of you must be exactly the same. My ex-best friend and I were completely different and yet we were always doing projects together. He supported me a lot and I supported him. It was a friendship of years and yet we both had almost opposite ways of seeing life, of seeing romantic relationships, work... etc.

I think maybe you just feel afraid, it's normal. I guess in your brain you associate socializing with more people = pain. It also happens to me and I think that almost everyone in this forum also happens. But as I tell you, we are social creatures. We need people.

I hope you can be autonomous as a programmer... good luck friend.

 

[OldDrummer]

I'm in my early 50's, fairly financially and educationally successful and have Asperger's.

When I meet someone first, for the first five minutes I listen and observe and then subtly become they person I think they want me to me.

I can range between introspective and intelligent, or loud, boorish and a total meathead.

It's a technique very familiar to those on the spectrum called Masking and Scripting and it's very similar to acting.

If you're involved in Law Enforcement, it's also uses elements from the Reid Technique in order to elicit empathy.

I've been working from home for the past two years due to lockdown.

I like this new mode of work. I'm fairly anti-social by true nature and I don't have to expend any excess energies into being someone else.

It can be very different in a group situation. I tend to use the same coping techniques, but dial it down to the lowest common denominator.

I have to say, over the years I really enjoy being in a group dynamic. I feel like I can be more myself than in a one-to-one situation.

Hope that makes sense in a brain-dump kind of way!

 

[Symbiote]

I've always found that the pressure to act normal or see yourself as normal in order to blend in could be unbearable and it may show in my body language which they could pick up easily. In most group conversations, I'm a casual observer, getting a feel for the environment or situation, some times it may take several outings and I get the "A hole is a man of few words" or "Why so quiet, A Hole?". I have had the feeling that even on my best days, I cannot measure up to them or socialize in a way to maintain interest. I also get the shakes too just for talking that some may interpret as dishonesty.

 

[Cosmic dust]

Its impossible to say if that was the right choice or not.

If you were really that unconfortable with those people and not interested in interacting with them, forcing youself would probably only lead to some awkward and unpleasant experience.

I agree we need to be careful with certain people and situations that may hurt us, but there is no reward without risk and I think its important to keep an open mind.

 

[Weebster]

I am a 30 yo virgin without a driver's license because of chronic fatigue/an sleep disorder on top of being mentally ill (schizotypal, autistic and childhood sexual abuse).

I enrolled in a programming course 2 years ago, which gave me something to distract myself and dream of being marginally autonomous (unrealistically). My classmates mostly saw me as responsible and studious, but people in the forum can attest that I am something entirely different.

There were some attempts by them to have me in a dinner, gaming session or sports event. I turned them down skillfully alleging illness or just using the trusted technique of "we should definitely do it some day I agree" and hoping they forget about it, which they did. Why?

In conversations I noticed that they saw the world quite differently from me, and in fact I would go as far as to say I hated some of what they liked. Furthermore, as I slipped further into depression I actually just didn't like or care much about anything, but the healthy me definitely was opposed to their lifestyle and worldview to a significant extent.

However, I did notice that when I was feeling almost comfortable around them something healthy might have been occurring in my psyche, so I struggled with the idea of actually trying to get closer to these people. Ultimately though, I figured out the lack of similarities between us and my shameful/alien life story would make a sure recipe for something even worse than just friendlessness, but the active reminder that I was intrinsically foreign and doomed. My father would have to drive where they were etc.

What do you think? What would've been the best course of action? Do you reckon it could have been a disaster or that I should have tried? I have to add that it's not just in my head that getting closer to groups of people has proven to be more painful to me than being alone.

You're younger than me? Wow. And all this talk before about how I'm Gen Z lol. One thing you'll learn eventually is that you can act any age you want and not follow an age script placed on you by others.

Regarding your post, seclusion won't help. You basically blew them off when they invited you out. Why are you surprised they forgot about your response? People are busy and move on fast. You overthink a lot of things and that's holding you back. Stop viewing yourself as an "other." No one is normal.

 

[whatevs]

You're younger than me? Wow. And all this talk before about how I'm Gen Z lol. One thing you'll learn eventually is that you can act any age you want and not follow an age script placed on you by others.

Regarding your post, seclusion won't help. You basically blew them off when they invited you out. Why are you surprised they forgot about your response? People are busy and move on fast. You overthink a lot of things and that's holding you back. Stop viewing yourself as an "other." No one is normal.

Good advice but one thing: I wasn't surprised, that might not been worded well, it was my plan all along that they forgot about my response lol. Say you will one day, expect them to accept that and then they will forget about it eventually kind of deal.

Yeah I guess I blew them off in a way.

Hmm yeah, I guess I totally failed regarding your age if you are being honest now. I also accused you of psychopathy, right? Ehem... Moving on. Thanks for taking the time to give me feedback, I appreciate it.