Venting Is My Reason Justified?

[johnwatterson]

I'm a 18yo M and have been having suicidal thoughts since I was around 14yo. However I quite literally have a perfect life by my standards. I'm above average intelligence and have been all my life. I never needed to try in school and had around a 50 percent attendance but still managed to get 6s and 7s in my GCSEs and in college breezed through my computing course with a 30 percent attendance. Not to be egotistical but I feel like I am quite attractive and have a body count of 4 (basically I'm not a lonely degen loser that gets no pussy) I have way more money than someone else who is 18 would have and I bench around 75kg for all that matters. I have a stable and supportive family that loves and cares for me and I live in a nice safe area. My point is I feel like there is no reason to feel the way I do but yet the only thing I want is to CTB. Its all I want as I am incredibly unhappy and find no interest in anything. I've tried everything I can think of. whether it be the gym, work, games, bitches, money, skating, friends or drugs. either way I feel like I have done everything in my power to try and find something that makes me happy but I just cant, the only thing that I like is sleeping as I don't have to be conscious and a I can just be at peace. I don't feel any guilt for what I would be putting my family, loved ones, friends and girlfriend through with my death (i wont be here to see it lmfao) and I find incredible amounts of comfort in the thought of my death and eternal rest. Is this a bad thing or does anyone think otherwise. No one will be able to change my mind as I have thought about it a lot but I am very curious to see the actual opinions of people on here from people that aren't obligated to tell me "no you have so much to live for" or some bullshit like that. either way, any opinions would mean a lot. Thanks.

 

[SpiritualDeath]

Well to me there doesn't need to be a reason at all.
It's your life therefore your choice. Life's just a boring, meaningless pattern repeating itself anyway, and it's totally ok to want out regardless of your situation, just like wanting to throw away an old piece of garbage or wanting to unsubscribe from a boring channel. I would say think this through and if you're sure it's what you want, you can go through with it.

 

[johnwatterson]

Well to me there doesn't need to be a reason at all.
It's your life therefore your choice. Life's just a boring, meaningless pattern repeating itself anyway, and it's totally ok to want out regardless of your situation, just like wanting to throw away an old piece of garbage or wanting to unsubscribe from a boring channel. I would say think this through and if you're sure it's what you want, you can go through with it.

I've thought this through for such a long time but i was just wondering if anyone was to disagree with me or have a different opinion

 

[SVEN]

Being pro choice myself, as against pro life or pro ctb, if you've thought things through and made the decision you don't wish to live I'd not argue with you.
Only thing I'd say to anyone intending to ctb is to think seriously about it, and how you intend to do it, before going ahead.
Best wishes whatever your final choices.

 

[ipmanwc0]

Well we can tell you what we think but we haven't lived your life and we aren't you so only you can decide if it's justified

 

[johnwatterson]

Well we can tell you what we think but we haven't lived your life and we aren't you so only you can decide if it's justified

this is mainly what i was looking for. an unbiased opinion on the situation which is really hard to come across with people in real life without being judged or lied to

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Since you're asking for opinions....

Have you ever told anyone about how unhappy you are or gotten any kind of treatment? Since life circumstances don't seem to be making you feel this way it seems worth it to try to get treatment before taking the plunge.

Do you recall what it was like when you first started feeling suicidal?

 

[johnwatterson]

Since you're asking for opinions....

Have you ever told anyone about how unhappy you are or gotten any kind of treatment? Since life circumstances don't seem to be making you feel this way it seems worth it to try to get treatment before taking the plunge.

Do you recall what it was like when you first started feeling suicidal?

i've had 3 different anti depressants and none have changed my mood or outlook on life. i look forward to nothing and don't want to live the rest of my life as a miserable, bitter and hateful person. all i get excited about is the thought of it finally ending.

 

[JordanF]

this is mainly what i was looking for. an unbiased opinion on the situation which is really hard to come across with people in real life without being judged or lied to

I am pro choice, and your choice seems to be asking for opinions, so I'll give mine.

Life is neither inherently good, nor is it inherently bad. However, if I had the option, I would rather have a joyful existence over non-existence. If it is impossible for you to live a joyful existence, then non-existence is preferable. I have experienced joy in the past, and it's something I miss a lot. Without it, there isn't much purpose.

I believe you should attempt to find out what is causing you to feel this way and fix it. Since everything externally is good for you, then it's probably something internal. I've heard some people make a recovery after taking a small dose of psilocybin, but I don't know if it is legal where you are. It could also be caused by a medical condition. I would recommend trying to get a full blood panel if you haven't already.

If it's not possible for you to find a fix after trying everything, then CTB would be an understandable action.

Again, this is all just my opinion.

 

[johnwatterson]

I am pro choice, and your choice seems to be asking for opinions, so I'll give mine.

Life is neither inherently good, nor is it inherently bad. However, if I had the option, I would rather have a joyful existence over non-existence. If it is impossible for you to live a joyful existence, then non-existence is preferable. I have experienced joy in the past, and it's something I miss a lot. Without it, there isn't much purpose.

I believe you should attempt to find out what is causing you to feel this way and fix it. Since everything externally is good for you, then it's probably something internal. I've heard some people make a recovery after taking a small dose of psilocybin, but I don't know if it is legal where you are. It could also be caused by a medical condition. I would recommend trying to get a full blood panel if you haven't already.

If it's not possible for you to find a fix after trying everything, then CTB would be an understandable action.

Again, this is all just my opinion.

i appreciate your input but i have had my psychologist talk to me for months now and i can't figure out what is making me feel this way, i think im just chronically suicidal and this doesn't make me feel sad in anyway. its literally what i want, it provides me with comfort, excitement and overall peace within myself knowing it is almost over

 

[dumbgirlonline]

I'm a 18yo M and have been having suicidal thoughts since I was around 14yo. However I quite literally have a perfect life by my standards. I'm above average intelligence and have been all my life. I never needed to try in school and had around a 50 percent attendance but still managed to get 6s and 7s in my GCSEs and in college breezed through my computing course with a 30 percent attendance. Not to be egotistical but I feel like I am quite attractive and have a body count of 4 (basically I'm not a lonely degen loser that gets no pussy) I have way more money than someone else who is 18 would have and I bench around 75kg for all that matters. I have a stable and supportive family that loves and cares for me and I live in a nice safe area. My point is I feel like there is no reason to feel the way I do but yet the only thing I want is to CTB. Its all I want as I am incredibly unhappy and find no interest in anything. I've tried everything I can think of. whether it be the gym, work, games, bitches, money, skating, friends or drugs. either way I feel like I have done everything in my power to try and find something that makes me happy but I just cant, the only thing that I like is sleeping as I don't have to be conscious and a I can just be at peace. I don't feel any guilt for what I would be putting my family, loved ones, friends and girlfriend through with my death (i wont be here to see it lmfao) and I find incredible amounts of comfort in the thought of my death and eternal rest. Is this a bad thing or does anyone think otherwise. No one will be able to change my mind as I have thought about it a lot but I am very curious to see the actual opinions of people on here from people that aren't obligated to tell me "no you have so much to live for" or some bullshit like that. either way, any opinions would mean a lot. Thanks.

I too feel like this. A constant void deep down that nothing seems to fill. I'm only 19 and I've moved out of my parents home and make enough money to do anything I want. I go shopping without looking at price tags, I'm pretty (considering my job is literally to be pretty), I have people who care about me but yet there's this thing. Sometimes I feel like there are multiple of "me" and they all want different things, but they all seem to be missing something. Because I don't know what that something is I just keep wishing I was gone.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

i appreciate your input but i have had my psychologist talk to me for months now and i can't figure out what is making me feel this way, i think im just chronically suicidal and this doesn't make me feel sad in anyway. its literally what i want, it provides me with comfort, excitement and overall peace within myself knowing it is almost over

I understand where you are coming from. You may be young but lots of us wish we had gone at around your age. You may be seemingly well- positioned to have a successful life but I guess that's not necessarily enough. 3 medications isn't really a lot; many people to through a whole lot more than that but I understand if you have no interest in trying more. I'm not convinced that only a future as a bitter and miserable person awaits you; I don't think you can declare that yet, but that's just my opinion.

In any event, since CTB is never guaranteed for anyone as this forum is ample proof of, I would strongly advise you not to sabotage your life out of apathy.

 

[johnwatterson]

I understand where you are coming from. You may be young but lots of us wish we had gone at around your age. You may be seemingly well- positioned to have a successful life but I guess that's not necessarily enough. 3 medications isn't really a lot; many people to through a whole lot more than that but I understand if you have no interest in trying more. I'm not convinced that only a future as a bitter and miserable person awaits you; I don't think you can declare that yet, but that's just my opinion.

In any event, since CTB is never guaranteed for anyone as this forum is ample proof of, I would strongly advise you not to sabotage your life out of apathy.

the thing is why should i have to take medication daily just to not even be happy, none of them work and realistically the only thing i want from life is for it to end. i get where you are coming from with me not being able to tell what the rest of my life has in store for me but if im being honest i don't really care. the only thing i want is to CTB and i can't see that changing any time soon

I too feel like this. A constant void deep down that nothing seems to fill. I'm only 19 and I've moved out of my parents home and make enough money to do anything I want. I go shopping without looking at price tags, I'm pretty (considering my job is literally to be pretty), I have people who care about me but yet there's this thing. Sometimes I feel like there are multiple of "me" and they all want different things, but they all seem to be missing something. Because I don't know what that something is I just keep wishing I was gone.

what do you mean there are multiple of you if you don't mind me asking. i have the same thing but it's mainly to do with the people im around. i have multiple personalities depending on who im talking to and i wonder if thats the same for you?

 

[nicotine_goblin]

I'm not a doctor but to me it seems like you are incredibly depressed. This might be the reason why you feel the way you do despite having a relatively nice life. Depression sucks joy and meaning out of anything, it can make the best life seem like hell. I think you could have a chance for improvement if you chose recovery, but that's up to you. I've been through many different meds myself, it's really a gamble sadly. It seems like you have thought it through many times already so I wish you good luck with whatever you end up doing. And that you find peace

 

[ButterToast]

I'm a 18yo M and have been having suicidal thoughts since I was around 14yo. However I quite literally have a perfect life by my standards. I'm above average intelligence and have been all my life. I never needed to try in school and had around a 50 percent attendance but still managed to get 6s and 7s in my GCSEs and in college breezed through my computing course with a 30 percent attendance. Not to be egotistical but I feel like I am quite attractive and have a body count of 4 (basically I'm not a lonely degen loser that gets no pussy) I have way more money than someone else who is 18 would have and I bench around 75kg for all that matters. I have a stable and supportive family that loves and cares for me and I live in a nice safe area. My point is I feel like there is no reason to feel the way I do but yet the only thing I want is to CTB. Its all I want as I am incredibly unhappy and find no interest in anything. I've tried everything I can think of. whether it be the gym, work, games, bitches, money, skating, friends or drugs. either way I feel like I have done everything in my power to try and find something that makes me happy but I just cant, the only thing that I like is sleeping as I don't have to be conscious and a I can just be at peace. I don't feel any guilt for what I would be putting my family, loved ones, friends and girlfriend through with my death (i wont be here to see it lmfao) and I find incredible amounts of comfort in the thought of my death and eternal rest. Is this a bad thing or does anyone think otherwise. No one will be able to change my mind as I have thought about it a lot but I am very curious to see the actual opinions of people on here from people that aren't obligated to tell me "no you have so much to live for" or some bullshit like that. either way, any opinions would mean a lot. Thanks.

Similar situation to myself. Although I believe there is more factors that probably contribute to your desire to ctb, I don't think there's a valid or invalid reason to ctb. I mean, I wish nobody would ever feel the desire to ctb, since it is usually a sign of less-than-ideal situation (whatever that is). Your numb feeling is likely a form of coping mechanism that was developed somewhen and somehow, not sure why how or when.

CTB or not it your choice, though I'd say try to do soul searching and see if you can find alternative. However, again, there's no invalid reason to ctb.

 

[johnwatterson]

I'm not a doctor but to me it seems like you are incredibly depressed. This might be the reason why you feel the way you do despite having a relatively nice life. Depression sucks joy and meaning out of anything, it can make the best life seem like hell. I think you could have a chance for improvement if you chose recovery, but that's up to you. I've been through many different meds myself, it's really a gamble sadly. It seems like you have thought it through many times already so I wish you good luck with whatever you end up doing. And that you find peace

i've gotten my diagnosis for depression and anxiety, tried to find things i enjoy and still want to CBT i'm just sick of having an empty feeling inside of me all the time and i can't wait for it to all be over

 

[Kasumi]

That's just how it is sometimes, you may have all the means and support most of us could only dream of, but if they don't provide anything positive to you, any reason to live, then that's how it is and it's valid.

Life is - in short - a mess.
Life doesn't care if it makes sense, if it's fair, or anything, many people tend to believe there needs to be some sort of balance or order in things.
That's not how it is, life is pure statistics.

Most people end up somewhere in the middle, with average means, average happiness, in short about an average life.
Some people that have nothing and are happy regardless, some people that have just had plain bad luck, so much so, that they can't live their lives anymore, some people that had everything work out in their favour, and some of them that can't be happy despite it.
Is it fair? No. Does it make sense? No. Does Life care? Not in the slightest, but that's what reality is.
A mess.

Since you do seem to have the means, I'd suggest you see a doctor or a therapist or preferably both.
It would be sad if, despite your life seemlingly going well viewed from the outside, you still couldn't stand to continue to live, sad yet still valid though.
No one can tell you you're "not allowed" to take your life or "you're supposed to live a happy life" only cause your life looks like it's going well on the outside.
The hardest part is probably to find out what's the problem for you, I don't know if therapists or doctors are able to, since they can only look at your body and circumstances, not at what's happening inside of your "self".

My personal advice would be to try to figure out who you are, what defines you, what does your heart look like.
Whenever you feel uncomfortable or unhappy, ask yourself, what would I want right now, where would I want to be, what does my heart say.
It might take a while, but it helped me figure out my reason to live, well in my case the problem is more about if it's possible to even achieve this, but if you don't know what you'd need to want to live, how can you fix it?

Then again if all your heart wants is to disappear forever then that may just be another whim of life.

 

[johnwatterson]

That's just how it is sometimes, you may have all the means and support most of us could only dream of, but if they don't provide anything positive to you, any reason to live, then that's how it is and it's valid.

Life is - in short - a mess.
Life doesn't care if it makes sense, if it's fair, or anything, many people tend to believe there needs to be some sort of balance or order in things.
That's not how it is, life is pure statistics.

Most people end up somewhere in the middle, with average means, average happiness, in short about an average life.
Some people that have nothing and are happy regardless, some people that have just had plain bad luck, so much so, that they can't live their lives anymore, some people that had everything work out in their favour, and some of them that can't be happy despite it.
Is it fair? No. Does it make sense? No. Does Life care? Not in the slightest, but that's what reality is.
A mess.

Since you do seem to have the means, I'd suggest you see a doctor or a therapist or preferably both.
It would be sad if, despite your life seemlingly going well viewed from the outside, you still couldn't stand to continue to live, sad yet still valid though.
No one can tell you you're "not allowed" to take your life or "you're supposed to live a happy life" only cause your life looks like it's going well on the outside.
The hardest part is probably to find out what's the problem for you, I don't know if therapists or doctors are able to, since they can only look at your body and circumstances, not at what's happening inside of your "self".

My personal advice would be to try to figure out who you are, what defines you, what does your heart look like.
Whenever you feel uncomfortable or unhappy, ask yourself, what would I want right now, where would I want to be, what does my heart say.
It might take a while, but it helped me figure out my reason to live, well in my case the problem is more about if it's possible to even achieve this, but if you don't know what you'd need to want to live, how can you fix it?

Then again if all your heart wants is to disappear forever then that may just be another whim of life.

i appreciate you taking the time to write this all out. all i want in life is to be happy, and yet i never feel it. no matter what any amount of happiness is overshadowed by my urge to CBT. i could be crying with laughter at some stupid shit my friends say or do but at the same time if someone was to at that very moment offer me my own death i would take it in a heartbeat. i've tried so much. i'm good at near everything i do (i don't want to sit and flex but it's just true) but yet i feel lost and unfulfilled

 

[Glandular]

Your life as you described it sounds pretty good to me. However, I can't judge how you feel about it. You are still very young and your brain hasn't fully developed yet - I'd advise that you stay around for a little longer and then evaluate again. Maybe try therapy again.

 

[johnwatterson]

Your life as you described it sounds pretty good to me. However, I can't judge how you feel about it. You are still very young and your brain hasn't fully developed yet - I'd advise that you stay around for a little longer and then evaluate again. Maybe try therapy again.

i'm giving myself a year to become the best person i can be in every aspect of life. once that year is finished i will reevaluate my thoughts and feelings, if im still in this mental state and i want to CBT i will but right now im trying to find the means to acquire SN and this seems the best place to try find it. i feel like after all i've done if i still feel like this, its pretty valid that i can CBT

 

[UKscotty]

Admittedly I didn't read your post but just wanted to say no one needs a reason.

It's your life.

 

[Kasumi]

i appreciate you taking the time to write this all out. all i want in life is to be happy, and yet i never feel it. no matter what any amount of happiness is overshadowed by my urge to CBT. i could be crying with laughter at some stupid shit my friends say or do but at the same time if someone was to at that very moment offer me my own death i would take it in a heartbeat. i've tried so much. i'm good at near everything i do (i don't want to sit and flex but it's just true) but yet i feel lost and unfulfilled

but what does happiness mean to you?
The feeling of being happy isn't something that we can experience continously, if you are in a situation that makes you feel happy for a while you will get used to it and stop feeling happy about it.
But things like feeling comfortable can last.

So if "happiness" for you means to feel comfortable or maybe to have a reason to be here, to be needed, that's possible.
If you think about what's in your heart you might find something like that, or maybe there really is nothing else for you than wanting to die.

It's usuall something less obvious than the first thing that comes to mind when you think about what you want, there is usually something deeper more basic within you that defines who you are.
F.e. many people might first think of "wanting the pain to stop", "wanting to get rest", "wanting to be happy".

But what I'm talking about is less a desire that arises out of your current situation or state of mind, and more something that your heart needs to exist, something that you wouldn't be you without it.

For me those things might be basic things such as "being able to live freely", "being allowed to be myself without getting judged for who I am".
But even simpler, I love cute and wholesome things, genuine bonds born from trust and understanding.
That's what defines me, or in other words, things like that are what differentiates me from the next person.

And I mean that in the most basic sense, it doesn't matter what specific form those things take, as long as I can find them in the things I do, in the people I'm with, in my environment, that's fine.
If I can't have those things then I'll stop being myself, I'd die even without having to ctb.
It sometimes happens that I forget how I feel, I lose sense of who I am, and I stop being me. Sometimes when my heart doesn't get any of the things it needs to live.

Your life as you described it sounds pretty good to me. However, I can't judge how you feel about it. You are still very young and your brain hasn't fully developed yet - I'd advise that you stay around for a little longer and then evaluate again. Maybe try therapy again.

"your brain hasn't fully developed yet" is such a generic phrase that people like to give it as an answer without actually thinking about if it makes sense or not.

While generally, sometimes not wrong, it doesn't hit the mark in cases where the issue has nothing to do with physical brain development.
A person can have a very clear understanding and sense of self even at a young age, way before the brain is physically done developing. (just as a sidenote the brain never stops developing)
And it's not uncommon at all for even adults way past the age of 20 or 30 to not have a good understanding of their own life and self.

 

[johnwatterson]

but what does happiness mean to you?
The feeling of being happy isn't something that we can experience continously, if you are in a situation that makes you feel happy for a while you will get used to it and stop feeling happy about it.
But things like feeling comfortable can last.

So if "happiness" for you means to feel comfortable or maybe to have a reason to be here, to be needed, that's possible.
If you think about what's in your heart you might find something like that, or maybe there really is nothing else for you than wanting to die.

It's usuall something less obvious than the first thing that comes to mind when you think about what you want, there is usually something deeper more basic within you that defines who you are.
F.e. many people might first think of "wanting the pain to stop", "wanting to get rest", "wanting to be happy".

But what I'm talking about is less a desire that arises out of your current situation or state of mind, and more something that your heart needs to exist, something that you wouldn't be you without it.

For me those things might be basic things such as "being able to live freely", "being allowed to be myself without getting judged for who I am".
But even simpler, I love cute and wholesome things, genuine bonds born from trust and understanding.
That's what defines me, or in other words, things like that are what differentiates me from the next person.

And I mean that in the most basic sense, it doesn't matter what specific form those things take, as long as I can find them in the things I do, in the people I'm with, in my environment, that's fine.
If I can't have those things then I'll stop being myself, I'd die even without having to ctb.
It sometimes happens that I forget how I feel, I lose sense of who I am, and I stop being me. Sometimes when my heart doesn't get any of the things it needs to live.

"your brain hasn't fully developed yet" is such a generic phrase that people like to give it as an answer without actually thinking about if it makes sense or not.

While generally, sometimes not wrong, it doesn't hit the mark in cases where the issue has nothing to do with physical brain development.
A person can have a very clear understanding and sense of self even at a young age, way before the brain is physically done developing. (just as a sidenote the brain never stops developing)
And it's not uncommon at all for even adults way past the age of 20 or 30 to not have a good understanding of their own life and self.

happiness to me doesn't require me to be always happy. I understand that life has highs and lows. I mainly just want to experience happiness in the first place because right now I feel nothing, just empty miserable and overall just hate existence. I want to be able to laugh and to forget about life, but I cant. I want to enjoy my hobbies, but I cant. I want to enjoy the time I spend with my friends, but I cant. all due to the overwhelming feeling of sadness that seems to always be at the back of my mind. life to me just doesn't seem worth it. living a repetitive life of working, coming home, cooking and sleeping everyday for years just to have small amounts of 'happiness' (if i can even call it that) that in the end are still overshadowed by my urge for my own death doesn't seem like something I want to / am willing to put up with.

Admittedly I didn't read your post but just wanted to say no one needs a reason.

It's your life.

i know this, but i more so just wanted to gather opinions of other people that are not obligated to respond with the same pro life bullshit that everyone irl gives me

 

[Glandular]

"your brain hasn't fully developed yet" is such a generic phrase that people like to give it as an answer without actually thinking about if it makes sense or not.

I know - I just wanted to express that at 18 there is still a lot of change happening. OP said that his suicidal feelings started at the age of 14 aka puberty where the entire brain gets "rewired". This process might not be over yet. I agree that there are cases where someone has a very clear sense of self at that age but since OP is even asking about it (on SaSu of all places) shows that this is not one of those cases.

 

[lwlaiet8887]

Sounds like a bit of a joke to me. "Hey everybody, my life is so great but I think it'd be cool if I CBT! LMFAO" death isn't a joke you know it's something serious and permanent, not something you do for shits and giggles because you think It'd be cool. Your whole tone is off putting and immature. If you're going to CBT it's not something you ask others whether you're going to do it or not because you're "unsure". Don't stupidly romanticize death as a great thing it's nothing and the act of CBT itself is no easy feat. I'm not remotely pro-life but you don't sound like someone's who desperately looking to CBT just a young adult going through a stint of depression who will eventually get over with it. I have nothing you have in life. I don't have a good family, my body is physically weak/debilitating, never had a girlfriend and will probably never have one unless a girl decides to pity me enough, I have been through hell financially. poor health, my dreams are crushed/unobtainable, yet I'm still here and moderately happy although I have considered seriously CBT and have methods available. Honestly, you're a bit cringe and are a result of this site becoming mainstream and are your typical "depressed" teenager lingo included. "basically I'm not a lonely degen loser that gets no pussy" This is telling enough of your intellect and lack of seriousness. I think you should see a doctor if you haven't already, get your bloodwork done, do physical exercise, and learn to appreciate all of the great things you have in life. At the end of the day it's your decision whether you CBT or not, but I'm not one of those people who's going to lie through their teeth on how I feel about someone's situation.

 

[Kasumi]

happiness to me doesn't require me to be always happy. I understand that life has highs and lows. I mainly just want to experience happiness in the first place because right now I feel nothing, just empty miserable and overall just hate existence. I want to be able to laugh and to forget about life, but I cant. I want to enjoy my hobbies, but I cant. I want to enjoy the time I spend with my friends, but I cant. all due to the overwhelming feeling of sadness that seems to always be at the back of my mind. life to me just doesn't seem worth it. living a repetitive life of working, coming home, cooking and sleeping everyday for years just to have small amounts of 'happiness' (if i can even call it that) that in the end are still overshadowed by my urge for my own death doesn't seem like something I want to / am willing to put up with.

i know this, but i more so just wanted to gather opinions of other people that are not obligated to respond with the same pro life bullshit that everyone irl gives me

It's not uncommon for people to lose the ability to enjoy their hobbies and things they liked as a symptom of depression.
Generally you're right, life is not worth it when you think about having to go to work every day, only so you can sustain life and work for longer to sustain life even more, imo the best is to not even think about the distant future cause things are happening right now, and worrying about how your life might be in 20 years is pointless since you can't be certain about the future anyway.

I want to be able to laugh and to forget about life, but I cant. I want to enjoy my hobbies, but I cant. I want to enjoy the time I spend with my friends, but I cant.

Forget about those "surface level" things for a moment, activities and such, those things change, they come and go, but your heart will tell you what it needs, try to understand yourself and start by being honest with yourself.
If you don't want to do your hobbies even though "they're supposed to be fun" then don't do them, if you don't want to talk to your friends then don't.
It doesn't matter if other people think that you're rude, it's about your life after all.

You may also just be burned out and things will get better after you take a break from things for a few months.
Only thing I can say is always with every decision you make, think about what your heart wants.

Right now my heart wants to sleep, if I could I'd go to sleep now. Eventually I'd wake up in the afternoon feeling hungry, I'd eat, then I'd feel bored and irking to do something so I might get into whatever work I've been doing recently or start n something completely new if anything catches my interest.
Eventually I'd feel exhausted and in need of some rest again, or my brain might but not my body, so I might want to do any sort of physical activity.
Then when I'd feel the need to calm down for rest I'd prepare for bed, take a shower, skin care, read some wholesome manga and eventually sleep.

Any of that wouldn't solve my problems but it would help me feel better, and eventually this way I might be able to get my energy back over some months.

That's just an example and your situation is different from mine but I hope it makes more sense now what I mean with "try to understand your self", or "your heart".

 

[johnwatterson]

Sounds like a bit of a joke to me. "Hey everybody, my life is so great but I think it'd be cool if I CBT! LMFAO" death isn't a joke you know it's something serious and permanent, not something you do for shits and giggles because you think It'd be cool. Your whole tone is off putting and immature. If you're going to CBT it's not something you ask others whether you're going to do it or not because you're "unsure". Don't stupidly romanticize death as a great thing it's nothing and the act of CBT itself is no easy feat. I'm not remotely pro-life but you don't sound like someone's who desperately looking to CBT just a young adult going through a stint of depression who will eventually get over with it. I have nothing you have in life. I don't have a good family, my body is physically weak/debilitating, never had a girlfriend and will probably never have one unless a girl decides to pity me enough. Honestly, you're so cringe and are a result of this site becoming mainstream and are your typical "depressed" teenager lingo included. "basically I'm not a lonely degen loser that gets no pussy" This is telling enough of your intellect and lack of seriousness.

just because my attitude towards my own CBT isn't bitter and miserable doesn't mean I'm not serious. either way i don't feel the need to prove my undying devotion toward death to some stranger on the internet. i literally just wanted to have some opinions on the matter to help myself and myself only. like dude if your a virgin cripple then that's unlucky for you but don't come to me trying to devalue my feelings just because I'm not a low life, lonely and uninspired lobotomite like you

 

[Kasumi]

I know - I just wanted to express that at 18 there is still a lot of change happening. OP said that his suicidal feelings started at the age of 14 aka puberty where the entire brain gets "rewired". This process might not be over yet. I agree that there are cases where someone has a very clear sense of self at that age but since OP is even asking about it (on SaSu of all places) shows that this is not one of those cases.

yea, I agree, OP's post hint that he might've never thought much about who he is or wants to be, it's just that phrases like this that get repeated over and over to the point of people taking them for fact, rarely actually fit as reply.

I'd rather say the age of 14 is also about the age where we develop a sense of self, so it's not surprising that related feelings and or conditions / illnesses start to show themselves.
Feelings related to hormonal changes might disappear again once those things stabilise, but things related to one's self typically stay until we figure them out, or even for the rest of our lives.

 

[lwlaiet8887]

just because my attitude towards my own CBT isn't bitter and miserable doesn't mean I'm not serious. either way i don't feel the need to prove my undying devotion toward death to some stranger on the internet. i literally just wanted to have some opinions on the matter to help myself and myself only. like dude if your a virgin cripple then that's unlucky for you but don't come to me trying to devalue my feelings just because I'm not a low life, lonely and uninspired lobotomite like you

God you're such a joke and are your typical Zoomer narcissist who found this site to bitch about his non-existence problems to seem cool. I don't care you if you don't like my advice you said you wanted honesty. But hey if you're really looking to CBT the methods are more then readily available. You just don't seem remotely serious to me and are very immature and I think in your case you should see a doctor, get your bloodwork done to see if you're suffering from any deficiency, unironically do therapy etc. You don't seem to have any serious problems and are clearly functional enough, I think any rational person would recognize that your problems are fixable with medical intervention and mental revaluation. You should know there's a difference between being depressed and seriously considering suicide and how consequential it is. You're the only one who gets to decide whether you CTB or not. The reason why I mentioned my life is so you're aware of how much you have actually have in life comparison to some people. Death is the end, it's not glorious it's not peaceful it's literally nothing and the act of CBT itself is very difficult.

 

[johnwatterson]

It's not uncommon for people to lose the ability to enjoy their hobbies and things they liked as a symptom of depression.
Generally you're right, life is not worth it when you think about having to go to work every day, only so you can sustain life and work for longer to sustain life even more, imo the best is to not even think about the distant future cause things are happening right now, and worrying about how your life might be in 20 years is pointless since you can't be certain about the future anyway.


Forget about those "surface level" things for a moment, activities and such, those things change, they come and go, but your heart will tell you what it needs, try to understand yourself and start by being honest with yourself.
If you don't want to do your hobbies even though "they're supposed to be fun" then don't do them, if you don't want to talk to your friends then don't.
It doesn't matter if other people think that you're rude, it's about your life after all.

You may also just be burned out and things will get better after you take a break from things for a few months.
Only thing I can say is always with every decision you make, think about what your heart wants.

Right now my heart wants to sleep, if I could I'd go to sleep now. Eventually I'd wake up in the afternoon feeling hungry, I'd eat, then I'd feel bored and irking to do something so I might get into whatever work I've been doing recently or start n something completely new if anything catches my interest.
Eventually I'd feel exhausted and in need of some rest again, or my brain might but not my body, so I might want to do any sort of physical activity.
Then when I'd feel the need to calm down for rest I'd prepare for bed, take a shower, skin care, read some wholesome manga and eventually sleep.

Any of that wouldn't solve my problems but it would help me feel better, and eventually this way I might be able to get my energy back over some months.

That's just an example and your situation is different from mine but I hope it makes more sense now what I mean with "try to understand your self", or "your heart".

i understand what you are talking about with burnout, but I've tried to do other things, new things that i haven't done before and yet i still feel no joy in any of the stuff i do. I've tried meeting new people and making new friends and yet none of them make me feel any amount of happiness. i don't quite understand what you mean by follow what my heart wants so if you could explain again i would really appreciate it but i really don't think it has anything to do with burnout

God you're such a joke and are your typical Zoomer who found this site to bitch about his non-existence problems to seem cool. I don't care you if you don't like my advice you said you wanted honesty. But hey if you're really looking to CBT the methods are more then readily available. You just don't seem remotely serious to me and are very immature and I think in your case you should see a doctor, get your bloodwork done to see if you're suffering from any deficiency, unironically do therapy etc.

they aren't readily available for me as that's why I've came here to try find SN. if that fails then I've got around 120mg of oxy (prob fent laced) and 100mg of xans waiting to be used. i just want to find a peaceful way to die that is easy and less stressful. not to have some 40 yrold man call me a zoomer and try devalue my feelings because I'm not a cripple virgin