Help is love real? how do I obtain it?

[halloween]

I believe that one of the main reasons for my constant negative mindset, would be the fact that i obsess over love. The idea of someone caring for me as deeply as I care for them is obviously something desirable. But, I obsess over it an unhealthy amount. It is constantly on my mind, every day. I started prozac a while ago and I still have obsessive thoughts and it feels like the medication doesn't even do anything for me. I would like to go off of my meds and start drinking again, the fact that I can't drink makes it so there is nothing to take my mind off of love. For context I am 18, I haven't even graduated yet. This year is my last year of high school. I feel as if teen romance just isn't a thing. I've only had one relationship and I fucked that up for myself months ago. I just wish I had someone reliable I could go to and not worry about their loyalty or them getting bored of me. I can't find anyone who would like something serious, everyone who has approached me as of late has just wanted to fuck around. I just want someone to hold at night, someone to come back to and know will always be there. Is it possible that love is even real?

Kind of a vent but also I have some questions that I would like to be answered. I do want to recover and I don't want to give up just yet.

Divorce rates are the main reason for making me feel as if love isn't real. It makes me think that the other married couples are only married because of their children/financial stability, and that even people who seem in love are just living a lie.

Love is my only reason for trying anymore, and it is my only goal to be honest. I just don't think it is obtainable because of societal standards or wtv. I do not want to end up being one of those 40 year olds who regret their younger years by not being more outgoing and taking risks. I can't approach women because I am insecure about my height as well.(I'm 5'6) I wait for them to come to me which probably is why it's so hard for me to find anyone.

How do I get over my social fears and become more likable? How do I get over my fear of rejection? Is it even worth all of that effort?

 

[themisfell]

Just go for it. You'll never experience what you don't try. Dating, like anything else in life, is a risk, and if you want to experience it, then just do your best to be your best. Wish you luck.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I had the same thoughts all throughout my teens. I didn't obsess over it much, but I threw in the towel early. Eventually, I thought that if I can't beat hook up culture then I should just enjoy a few people— didn't work out, obviously, so I threw in the towel again. But I'm actually engaged to be married now, and things have changed in that department when I least expected them to. Love definitely exists, in so many forms. It's real, but yes, everybody in this world unfortunately doesn't find it. The divorce rates aren't high because love doesn't exist, it's because people are getting into unsustainable marriages since they are like a rite of passage in a culture that is obsessed with eventually being coupled and prioritizing a romantic relationship. That's not the reason to commit to somebody, and some people don't believe in being committed in the first place. Other marriages survive because love exists. Friendships are so beautiful because love exists. Families thrive because love exists (when there is love there).

I think when we're younger (in our teens and early-mid twenties), people in our age range prioritize love and long-term relationships less. It's hard to find somebody with the same mindset because playing the field is just something that people want to do while they're young and they have the most options, and there's nothing really wrong with that tbh. People tend to learn a lot and grow a lot from failed relationships but they're also afraid of them failing because of all the pain that comes with the demand to learn and grow.

I don't want this whole thing to come off as dismissive because of your age. How you feel is definitely real and valid. Having worries like that, I think, is especially normal when we're in our teens. Anxiety and angst over the future in general is common around that age. It's nothing to be dismissed or diminished, but it can be embraced. All of the areas in life that you are uncomfortable with are just things to work on, and you have quite a bit of time to achieve what you want. Even acquiring your own love story and a solid long-term relationship.

How do I get over my social fears and become more likable? How do I get over my fear of rejection? Is it even worth all of that effort?

You get over fears by exposing yourself to them in safe ways. It is not easy but that's what has to he done. I have a fear of rejection too, and while I'm looking for another job, I'm facing a lot of it. Each one hurts but they hurt a little less every time. Rejection in a romantic sense is rough and I'm not used to that at all. I've learned from when it did happen that it's not something to be taken personally. I had to learn that the hard way after taking it personally a handful of times lol, but it just means that you're not right for the person, and really, in that case, rejection is a blessing. The alternative is somebody pretending to like you and stringing you along, which results in even more pain down the line.

Social fears can be tackled by doing what scares you, too. What is it exactly that scares you? Is it approaching women with your insecurities? Or are there other social situations that scare you? I know that height is a huge insecurity and many short guys go through hell in dating, but honestly, we can't control our heights, so I wish that didn't happen so often. It's just something we have to learn to live with. Not everyone is going to be horrible about it but a lot of people will, and we can't stop them from doing that even if we avoid the interactions all together. If you have friends that are trustworthy and kind, try having them set you up with someone who they know to be suitable for you if they're up to it. Or go out with them and let them play wingman for you at a bar, approach the girls that you like, and if they reject you, you'll have your friends to comfort you or laugh it off with you.

The only way to avoid being forty and looking back on your life with regret is to do all of the things you want to do, despite fear. Failure is inevitable, but it's better to have tried and know the outcome than to never know the outcome at all. I think it's worth the effort of putting yourself out there and trying to improve the areas you dislike just based on the fact that you don't want to live with regret. Don't you?

I am willing to bet that you're already likable and you may be putting yourself down. Most people on this earth are likable to others; even the most despicable people have allies and friends, somehow, that love them. I don't know you, but I doubt you are some horrible person. Especially because you want to prioritize a healthy and loving relationship.

 

[halloween]

I had the same thoughts all throughout my teens. I didn't obsess over it much, but I threw in the towel early. Eventually, I thought that if I can't beat hook up culture then I should just enjoy a few people— didn't work out, obviously, so I threw in the towel again. But I'm actually engaged to be married now, and things have changed in that department when I least expected them to. Love definitely exists, in so many forms. It's real, but yes, everybody in this world unfortunately doesn't find it. The divorce rates aren't high because love doesn't exist, it's because people are getting into unsustainable marriages since they are like a rite of passage in a culture that is obsessed with eventually being coupled and prioritizing a romantic relationship. That's not the reason to commit to somebody, and some people don't believe in being committed in the first place. Other marriages survive because love exists. Friendships are so beautiful because love exists. Families thrive because love exists (when there is love there).

I think when we're younger (in our teens and early-mid twenties), people in our age range prioritize love and long-term relationships less. It's hard to find somebody with the same mindset because playing the field is just something that people want to do while they're young and they have the most options, and there's nothing really wrong with that tbh. People tend to learn a lot and grow a lot from failed relationships but they're also afraid of them failing because of all the pain that comes with the demand to learn and grow.

I don't want this whole thing to come off as dismissive because of your age. How you feel is definitely real and valid. Having worries like that, I think, is especially normal when we're in our teens. Anxiety and angst over the future in general is common around that age. It's nothing to be dismissed or diminished, but it can be embraced. All of the areas in life that you are uncomfortable with are just things to work on, and you have quite a bit of time to achieve what you want. Even acquiring your own love story and a solid long-term relationship.


You get over fears by exposing yourself to them in safe ways. It is not easy but that's what has to he done. I have a fear of rejection too, and while I'm looking for another job, I'm facing a lot of it. Each one hurts but they hurt a little less every time. Rejection in a romantic sense is rough and I'm not used to that at all. I've learned from when it did happen that it's not something to be taken personally. I had to learn that the hard way after taking it personally a handful of times lol, but it just means that you're not right for the person, and really, in that case, rejection is a blessing. The alternative is somebody pretending to like you and stringing you along, which results in even more pain down the line.

Social fears can be tackled by doing what scares you, too. What is it exactly that scares you? Is it approaching women with your insecurities? Or are there other social situations that scare you? I know that height is a huge insecurity and many short guys go through hell in dating, but honestly, we can't control our heights, so I wish that didn't happen so often. It's just something we have to learn to live with. Not everyone is going to be horrible about it but a lot of people will, and we can't stop them from doing that even if we avoid the interactions all together. If you have friends that are trustworthy and kind, try having them set you up with someone who they know to be suitable for you if they're up to it. Or go out with them and let them play wingman for you at a bar, approach the girls that you like, and if they reject you, you'll have your friends to comfort you or laugh it off with you.

The only way to avoid being forty and looking back on your life with regret is to do all of the things you want to do, despite fear. Failure is inevitable, but it's better to have tried and know the outcome than to never know the outcome at all. I think it's worth the effort of putting yourself out there and trying to improve the areas you dislike just based on the fact that you don't want to live with regret. Don't you?

I am willing to bet that you're already likable and you may be putting yourself down. Most people on this earth are likable to others; even the most despicable people have allies and friends, somehow, that love them. I don't know you, but I doubt you are some horrible person. Especially because you want to prioritize a healthy and loving relationship.

I really apprciate this detailed response, ty

 

[HeartThatFeeds]

As someone who has similar feelings with obsession and has suspected Borderline Personality Disorder but not yet diagnosed, I understand exactly how you feel with obsessive love. I have had many unhealthy relationships that had completely and utterly ruined my mental health and gave me trauma for years to come, but I am now with someone who understands me and my problems and never fails to try to make me feel better. I believe that love is real, and although you might not get that love that you think is real, the all consuming love that breaks you apart every moment, you can get real love that may not be as intense as you want, but will make you feel better as in the long run.