Got beaten relentlessly from the age of 8 to 16. Then I became obese and depressed because I was in a school full of religous nutjobs.
Depression and obesity got worse after entering college. Went through a massive weightloss where I worked out a lot and lost 30 kg in 3 months. Well, closer to 17. But I managed to go from 96 kg to 58.5 eventually. Hairloss kept getting worse... Just then the lockdown happened after I had just left university... I just had my graduation ceremony and three weeks later, LOCKDOWN. I had also just started my hairloss treatment, even though I kept begging my parents for years to get me treatment, which they ignored, saying I was losing hair cuz I wasn't eating anymore. Which is not true. I started eating extremely clean.
I gained over 10kg during the lockdown. Could never really get my weight back to normal after that... I was 25... Then there was a second lockdown. And then... my country had massive political protests, I get stopped going to the gym, but generally kept my weight at 72KG ish. Then I had a massive mental breakdown and was institutionalized, and put on medication...
Because of the meds, I gained 10 kg in one week, despite doing an hour of cardio every day... They took me off this medication, and then put me on some more. I was on 7 different types of medication at that point... I also started learning Japanese around this time, because it was something I've wanted to do. Anyway, I left for the UK...
I expected my life to change for the better while in the UK. But honestly.... nothing happened. I was in England when I was really small. And I always wanted to return. But now... it was too little. Too late... I enjoyed the food and the snow and the scenary. It was impossible to get a part time job. I blew a lot of money on bubble tea and sushi. This seems like a lush life, I know. But I was living in student accommodations, and my heater was broken, among other things. Bubble Tea and Sushi were just copes. I was severely depressed. I tried cutting myself, but I couldn't find a sharp enough knife. One time I purposely walked slowly when crossing the streets, and got yelled at by a driver. I was surprised when I felt nothing, and just walked away.... I didn't make a single friend outside of class. I failed the technical interviews every company gave, because I wasn't prepped for them.
I decided to return to SL. I thought I would get an interview in 3 months before visa expired, and be back in 3 months. Then a year at most. I spent this time learning what the industry wanted and improving my portfolio, and studying japanese. No job interview came. Companies began closing down. And my visa expired. I had completed my MSc. but it was just another expensive piece of paper. And the more I build stuff for my portfolio, the more I realize that there is so much the university didn't teach me. I am basically learning everything from scratch, despite spending 6 years in university(BSc+MSc). There is so much in Unreal and C++ that I don't know. I'm currently working on a hyper optimized Unreal TPS with an FPS, mode. Then I'm going add Crysis Style nanosuit abilities, and Vehicles... then tactical enemy AI, then a multiplayer mode... And I'm going to an optimization case study for each of these sections....
I've long since known that this world does not care for me. And if that's the case, then all I want to do is be a game programmer in Japan or the UK. I don't get why I have to learn all these complex algorithms and programming techniques and 2500+ kanji, meanwhile the people who skrewed me over got to go to japan for free, and they got to immigrate and get jobs in the developed world, while, I'm single and unemployed at 30. I make money every now and then by doing freelance work... But it's barely enough....
Anyway, today... I told my mum that I can no longer keep exercising. I get sick/fatigued quite often, and when I do, I eat a lot and gain back whatever weight I lose... And I told her I need ozempic. I told her that it's an anti-diabetic drug. I can't afford to spend 4 -6 hours a week doing cardio(it's actually more, because I have to rest and shower, and feel worn out after I exercise), and I'm trying to make money, work on improving my portfolio and apply for jobs and scholarships. She just dismissed the entire thing saying she's never heard of doctors randomly giving meds, and to find one. She's always been this way towards me ever since I was child. She didn't get me braces to fix my teeth, because they would have to sedate me for the procedure and she was scared. She didn't let me go near the ocean, because she has PTSD of her sister being caught in a tide. She didn't let me have a phone or free PC and internet access because she thought I would become a porn addict(which happened regardless), she didn't let me hang out with friends, even as a grown adult. She ruined whatever chance I had with my crush. She put me on medication that made me gain 10kg in a week. Even when I was in England, she called every morning and every night.
So anyway, I asked her why she never wants to give me what I want. Because I was thinking of when I was losing hair, and she just said to stop checking calories and eat for a week. And all that happened was that I gained a few kilos. Whenever I'm trying to lose weight, my parents purposefully bring sweets, despite our finances not being as good as they used to be. The moment I hit a benchmark, they go "Oh you're getting skinny, you need to eat." And when I asked that, she threw a fit and started crying saying I'm always vilifying her.
Depression and obesity got worse after entering college. Went through a massive weightloss where I worked out a lot and lost 30 kg in 3 months. Well, closer to 17. But I managed to go from 96 kg to 58.5 eventually. Hairloss kept getting worse... Just then the lockdown happened after I had just left university... I just had my graduation ceremony and three weeks later, LOCKDOWN. I had also just started my hairloss treatment, even though I kept begging my parents for years to get me treatment, which they ignored, saying I was losing hair cuz I wasn't eating anymore. Which is not true. I started eating extremely clean.
I gained over 10kg during the lockdown. Could never really get my weight back to normal after that... I was 25... Then there was a second lockdown. And then... my country had massive political protests, I get stopped going to the gym, but generally kept my weight at 72KG ish. Then I had a massive mental breakdown and was institutionalized, and put on medication...
Because of the meds, I gained 10 kg in one week, despite doing an hour of cardio every day... They took me off this medication, and then put me on some more. I was on 7 different types of medication at that point... I also started learning Japanese around this time, because it was something I've wanted to do. Anyway, I left for the UK...
I expected my life to change for the better while in the UK. But honestly.... nothing happened. I was in England when I was really small. And I always wanted to return. But now... it was too little. Too late... I enjoyed the food and the snow and the scenary. It was impossible to get a part time job. I blew a lot of money on bubble tea and sushi. This seems like a lush life, I know. But I was living in student accommodations, and my heater was broken, among other things. Bubble Tea and Sushi were just copes. I was severely depressed. I tried cutting myself, but I couldn't find a sharp enough knife. One time I purposely walked slowly when crossing the streets, and got yelled at by a driver. I was surprised when I felt nothing, and just walked away.... I didn't make a single friend outside of class. I failed the technical interviews every company gave, because I wasn't prepped for them.
I decided to return to SL. I thought I would get an interview in 3 months before visa expired, and be back in 3 months. Then a year at most. I spent this time learning what the industry wanted and improving my portfolio, and studying japanese. No job interview came. Companies began closing down. And my visa expired. I had completed my MSc. but it was just another expensive piece of paper. And the more I build stuff for my portfolio, the more I realize that there is so much the university didn't teach me. I am basically learning everything from scratch, despite spending 6 years in university(BSc+MSc). There is so much in Unreal and C++ that I don't know. I'm currently working on a hyper optimized Unreal TPS with an FPS, mode. Then I'm going add Crysis Style nanosuit abilities, and Vehicles... then tactical enemy AI, then a multiplayer mode... And I'm going to an optimization case study for each of these sections....
I've long since known that this world does not care for me. And if that's the case, then all I want to do is be a game programmer in Japan or the UK. I don't get why I have to learn all these complex algorithms and programming techniques and 2500+ kanji, meanwhile the people who skrewed me over got to go to japan for free, and they got to immigrate and get jobs in the developed world, while, I'm single and unemployed at 30. I make money every now and then by doing freelance work... But it's barely enough....
Anyway, today... I told my mum that I can no longer keep exercising. I get sick/fatigued quite often, and when I do, I eat a lot and gain back whatever weight I lose... And I told her I need ozempic. I told her that it's an anti-diabetic drug. I can't afford to spend 4 -6 hours a week doing cardio(it's actually more, because I have to rest and shower, and feel worn out after I exercise), and I'm trying to make money, work on improving my portfolio and apply for jobs and scholarships. She just dismissed the entire thing saying she's never heard of doctors randomly giving meds, and to find one. She's always been this way towards me ever since I was child. She didn't get me braces to fix my teeth, because they would have to sedate me for the procedure and she was scared. She didn't let me go near the ocean, because she has PTSD of her sister being caught in a tide. She didn't let me have a phone or free PC and internet access because she thought I would become a porn addict(which happened regardless), she didn't let me hang out with friends, even as a grown adult. She ruined whatever chance I had with my crush. She put me on medication that made me gain 10kg in a week. Even when I was in England, she called every morning and every night.
So anyway, I asked her why she never wants to give me what I want. Because I was thinking of when I was losing hair, and she just said to stop checking calories and eat for a week. And all that happened was that I gained a few kilos. Whenever I'm trying to lose weight, my parents purposefully bring sweets, despite our finances not being as good as they used to be. The moment I hit a benchmark, they go "Oh you're getting skinny, you need to eat." And when I asked that, she threw a fit and started crying saying I'm always vilifying her.
