Venting is life really this lonely?

[iloveyouihateyou]

i've been up for over 24 hours just rotting away sober in my bedroom, i feel like i have no one to turn to, or atleast no one that's willing to listen to what's truly been on my mind. i've been reflecting on my interactions with other people and i'm noticing that nobody i talk to really cares to ask me about anything. nobody seems to remember anything i say to them. i'm always the one making the first text, first call, asking how their day has been, remembering their experiences and asking them about it to get to know them better. i do all of this in hopes that somehow one of these people i call "friend" will start to care about me and ask me about the troubles i've been mentioning in conversation, in hopes that one of them will remember what i've been through and treat me with some compassion about it. i've noticed that over the months of trying and trying, reaching out, initiating interactions, doing everything people tell you to do to make friends, that little to nothing has changed or progressed.

it kills me inside, honestly. to know that all of these people that i respect deeply, people that i think about regularly, people that i give hours of my life to, people that i actually give a shit about, seemingly don't give a single fuck about me. it hurts me so much. i've been trying to open up more to these long time friends of mine and it all seems to be going well until i realized today that nobody is actually trying to get to know more about me. no one is inviting me out, nobody is asking about how my day is, none of them. i've known these people for 4-5+ years and somehow despite everything i've told them, not a single time has any of it been checked in on. my only hopes of being heard is by inputting myself into these conversations but if i don't take initiative they just go on and on about themselves and all their stories, i feel like i'm just some audience member, or interviewer, i barely feel like a fucking person man like why aren't they even asking me about how i've been at all??

normally it doesn't hurt me, i've been so depressed fighting my own fight for over a decade now, parents don't give a fuck (atleast not anymore) and majority of the people i've met can't stand listening to me talk about, what to me is, "real shit" and i guess understandably so, like i get it's hard to hear how miserable someone is all the time but- what really hurts me this time is that in an attempt to change things for the better, by taking the initiative over months, i'm coming to the realization that maybe i'm just not important to these people i talk to. because these aren't some antisocial people i'm "friends" with, these are people with drive and ambition, who have people asking to see them everyday. these are people who are on their phones all the time scrolling away, replying to whoever, doing all this social stuff but for some reason, they can't even check in on me once or even ask about me when we're in person. like what does this possibly mean? like why am i being treated like a stranger when i've known them for so long?..

and yeah that just leads me back to this morning. i've been losing my fucking mind just wondering why i'm even alive man.. like why do i even try to smile for anybody, why do i continue to wear this mask for others when judging by their actions, i'm just another face with no meaning. it hurts me so much to not have anyone to share this with. it hurts so much to be surrounded by people who just talk about themselves and to eachother but never towards me. and when the time comes, nobody remembers anything. there is no deeper discussion to be had, it's just an awkward silence until the next subject comes along and i can't help but wonder why am i so unimportant? what do other people have that i don't? even when i try to progress things, it doesn't even matter.

it hurts me so much because whenever these people needed a shoulder i would always open my ears, get to know their situation, ask for updates in future, and that's just for "small" problems. the other day i literally showed my friend my texts so they could understand exactly what i was hurting through and they didn't say a fucking word and just talked about some other unrelated shit. like goddamn if you care so fucking little just say so... or maybe that was their way of saying so, with silence. i don't even fucking know man.

is life really this lonely? will i ever make friends that actually care about me and are willing to stay? is that shit even real in this day and age? i don't fucking know i really don't. this whole situation makes me want to catch the bus, it's all i've wanted to do for years but this just makes things so much more difficult... literally my only escape from this pain is substance abuse and unfortunately for me i'm all out of things to take but it won't be for long, i'm getting more today. all i have to look forward to is swallowing pills and not thinking, i wish it was different but this pain of regular life is just too much for one person to stomach alone .. literally fucking fuck my fucking existence man i wish i could just roll over in my sleep and die that would be amazing.


idek man. i'm new to this forum. i'm glad it exists. if you read all this, thank you and i hope you have a nice day

 

[Redacted24]

It's an awful thing to care, isn't it?

It's exhausting to be there, completely actively there for others... and not to have someone be there actively there for you.

It's hard to stay strong inside when you're constantly being drained.

And rarely or never refilled.

Trying to be upbeat around others. To smile at someone passing by. To lend a hand. While really just wanting to look them square in the eye and tell them, "hey, I'm really hurting just now, would you spare me some minutes and hear what's bothering me?"

I'm sorry that those around you seem so shallow.

The nice thing in this community is that there are a lot of people that listen, and with empathy.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Those people don't care about you. When you mentioned being a spectator or an interviewer, that brought me back to my 5 years of attempts to make friends. I was always the one messaging first, always the one making conversation, always the one remembering their life and asking about it. Once I stop, there's no activity from the other side.

I've become burnt out of trying to make friends. I'm lonely, I want to make a good friend, just one, but at this point I give up. In this day and age people don't want friends, they want followers, fans, and I'm not here to do that.

Animals show more care and love towards me than humans.

 

[Leiot]

Yeah, sometimes I wonder if I stopped contacting people if they would reach out to me. I don't know. Maybe not.

Someone told me something I wasn't sure what to make of. I moved away about a year and a half ago and he said a number of people don't seem to go out much anymore. He said I was the glue that held the group together. Didn't expect that.

Could it be these other people need us? I'm still trying to get my head around it.