Discussion Is it weird that I really want to do more risky things before I ctb?

[WanderingGypsy]

I have been beyond miserable for a while now, and getting closer to ctb. I've definitely been thinking more about how I'd like to do, and still working out the how. But my timeline is moving up, and I feel like right now I'm at my end.
But while I'm thinking about when I want to ctb, I also keep thinking about things I still kind of want to do. And I'm taking way more chances and not caring about the consequences as much.
One of the things I want to do before I ctb is try different drugs. I've never done anything besides pot, which is usually the only thing that helps keep my anxiety at an almost manageable level. But I kind of want to try some other things before I finally ctb. It's not like I would become addicted to anything because I'd ctb before that happened-or it would make ctb easier! It would be a way for me to escape from this awful life for a while, or help me maybe even find some short lived joy.
It's also because I'm taking way more chances and making bad decisions lately, it's like I just don't care. I've always done what I'm supposed to and always followed the rules-but where has that got me?!? I'm still so miserable and haven't had anything ever go my way. Funny thing is, since I've always been "a good girl" and haven't tried anything, I don't even know where to look or how to find anything. Which makes me kind of feel even worse, like I'm even screwing that up. It's weird to say that, but that how I feel.
I feel like I've reached my bottom and doubt I can get much lower. But a part of me wants to get lower and more rock bottom because maybe someone will reach out to help?

Has anyone else felt this way?! Wanting to do the things they've never done, even if we know they're not "good choices"?

 

[_Maya]

I have been beyond miserable for a while now, and getting closer to ctb. I've definitely been thinking more about how I'd like to do, and still working out the how. But my timeline is moving up, and I feel like right now I'm at my end.
But while I'm thinking about when I want to ctb, I also keep thinking about things I still kind of want to do. And I'm taking way more chances and not caring about the consequences as much.
One of the things I want to do before I ctb is try different drugs. I've never done anything besides pot, which is usually the only thing that helps keep my anxiety at an almost manageable level. But I kind of want to try some other things before I finally ctb. It's not like I would become addicted to anything because I'd ctb before that happened-or it would make ctb easier! It would be a way for me to escape from this awful life for a while, or help me maybe even find some short lived joy.
It's also because I'm taking way more chances and making bad decisions lately, it's like I just don't care. I've always done what I'm supposed to and always followed the rules-but where has that got me?!? I'm still so miserable and haven't had anything ever go my way. Funny thing is, since I've always been "a good girl" and haven't tried anything, I don't even know where to look or how to find anything. Which makes me kind of feel even worse, like I'm even screwing that up. It's weird to say that, but that how I feel.
I feel like I've reached my bottom and doubt I can get much lower. But a part of me wants to get lower and more rock bottom because maybe someone will reach out to help?

Has anyone else felt this way?! Wanting to do the things they've never done, even if we know they're not "good choices"?

yeah, that's understandable. You're gonna die anyways, so might as well try out some new experiences.

 

[kitkat41]

Might as well make the most of time left.

 

[Worndown]

What is the worst that could happen?

 

[JesiBel]

I continue to take care of myself as if I were going to live a thousand years. I need my body and mind to continue functioning as well as possible until the day I ctb. I'd rather not add more problems to the ones I already have.

 

[MarketValueadded]

I feel like most people do what they have seen others do, too. That's why things like TikTok and TV are so powerful they make society homogenous. You do not know how to be "bad" because you probably weren't around people who were like that.

 

[LostLily]

I feel the same way. I feel like I spend my whole life being the "good" Christian girl who never drinks, smokes or do drug. Part of my is going to"fuck it " I'm leaving anyway. But I'm afraid of once I start to do it, the facade will break and I will spill to everyone how truly depressed and suicidal I am. I think that is why i didn't want to do those things in the first place.

 

[Forveleth]

This is actually very normal behavior for suicidal people and actually one of the warning signs for suicide. YOLO is dude and if you die then bonus.

 

[eattwinkiesseejesus]

I feel like this post was made for me lol
I was the "good Christian girl" all my life but it never got me anything but hurt and used. I started with edibles and now at this point I'm so lost and broken I just don't care anymore. I would probably take anything given to me at this point because as another poster said - "why not? What's the worst that can happen?" death is goal anyway, YOLO

Too frustrating though, as much as I'd like to be more reckless and try to experience some of said highs- I don't do "bad" very well I've tried to find harder drugs but I don't even know where to start and everytime I've asked people say I'm too innocent for all that and dismiss me

 

[onmywaytothebusstop]

I don't think it's weird. I have the same. It makes you feel like your alive.

 

[waistcoat]

i don't think it's weird, in fact it's something a lot of us experience, including myself… i'm thinking of going skydiving.

 

[waistcoat]

i don't think it's weird, in fact it's something a lot of us experience, including myself… i'm thinking of going skydiving.

so…. i went indoor skydiving to get the general feel for it - definitely going to do it for real in the coming year :) saving up for it

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I certainly feel the enthusiasm for drugs, I've always loved experimenting with them but now is an especially good time. The problem is that getting ahold of them is a hassle, and I'd have to test them because I don't know any reputable dealers. I also would really want to do the drugs with friends, and I've lost all of my friends so it would make me feel lonely in the end.

I guess I'm in such a deep depression that nothing could bring excitement. I'm more concerned about not taking any risks that could make life even worse. My singular mission is to CTB and I don't want anything to get in the way of that.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

I guess I'm in such a deep depression that nothing could bring excitement. I'm more concerned about not taking any risks that could make life even worse. My singular mission is to CTB and I don't want anything to get in the way of that.

This is how I feel, too. Not the enthusiasm for drugs part. I've never really done them.. But it seems like going balls-to-the-wall on a drug binge might even make one want to stay alive just to keep doing more drugs. I've heard it said that heroin doesn't ruin lives because it's bad; it ruins lives because it's so much better than everything else, that nothing else matters anymore. So I wonder if I'd even want to continue my plans if I found something that was that good. And then we all know where that rabbit hole goes down. What do they say in AA: Jails Institutions and Death? I wonder if we can negotiate and just skip to the last part?