OcularFear
The only way I win is if I die.
- Jan 16, 2024
- 24
I don't want to be remembered when I die to be honest, I don't want to leave behind an impact, I don't want to make some statement on how the world sucks and that's why I'm going to CTB and why I hope my death will make the world better somehow.
I don't want any of that.
I've been avoiding my friends for the past 2 months or so trying to get them to forget about me, although one is very persistent and keeps coming to my house to check up on me. As much as I hate to admit it, it annoys me when he shows up, because I have to put on the face again that I thought I didn't have to put on anymore, just so he doesn't suspect a thing about my intentions.
I've been trying to do my best to just disappear, I've marked the date I want to die, March 18th 2024, is the exact day I'll do it. I will not fail, I want my memory to die. For the sake of the people I care about, I hope they all move on and forget about me as much as they can.
Because I'm a monster, not fit to live in this world anymore. My body isn't exactly my own to control anymore, and I know it isn't my fault, but I still blame myself for letting this go on for almost 4 years and letting things get to this point. I can't let him take control again, and the only way I can guarantee it is to die.
There is no help left. I tried to get help. I really, really wanted to get help. I tried to look for it by myself but I found no one willing to help. I asked my mother to setup a meet with a psychiatrist so I could have someone I could talk to about an "issue" I had as I called it, but all she did was try to pry the issue out of me despite the fact that I told her I didn't want to talk about it to anyone but a professional. After my parents found my premade emergency suicide note the police ended up pulling me out of a game of DND with my friends just to talk to me, I decided to try and get help one more time, I got set up to get a therapist through the county, but after weeks of waiting, nobody contacted me. No one helped me. Nobody. No one cares about some guy who's done nothing in his life, nobody.
So I gave up, and I'm never trying again, now my only salvation is death, when I close my eyes to sleep I see eyes staring back at me in the darkness. I cannot rest easy. My only good nights sleep I'll have anytime soon, is when I finally die. My mind is constantly plagued with his voice, laughing yelling and taunting, repeating over and over even as I type these very words he is talking to me. But when I die, I'll finally get the silence I've been yearning for these past few years. I miss when I could sit in a room, and hear absolutely nothing. I dont want to go on, living like this anymore. I don't want to become HIM. I can't stand the idea of him, using my skin, my flesh, my bones, for what he wants to do. He will only hurt the people I care for.
I'll say goodbye to this world, before he has the chance to say hello to it.
I don't want any of that.
I've been avoiding my friends for the past 2 months or so trying to get them to forget about me, although one is very persistent and keeps coming to my house to check up on me. As much as I hate to admit it, it annoys me when he shows up, because I have to put on the face again that I thought I didn't have to put on anymore, just so he doesn't suspect a thing about my intentions.
I've been trying to do my best to just disappear, I've marked the date I want to die, March 18th 2024, is the exact day I'll do it. I will not fail, I want my memory to die. For the sake of the people I care about, I hope they all move on and forget about me as much as they can.
Because I'm a monster, not fit to live in this world anymore. My body isn't exactly my own to control anymore, and I know it isn't my fault, but I still blame myself for letting this go on for almost 4 years and letting things get to this point. I can't let him take control again, and the only way I can guarantee it is to die.
There is no help left. I tried to get help. I really, really wanted to get help. I tried to look for it by myself but I found no one willing to help. I asked my mother to setup a meet with a psychiatrist so I could have someone I could talk to about an "issue" I had as I called it, but all she did was try to pry the issue out of me despite the fact that I told her I didn't want to talk about it to anyone but a professional. After my parents found my premade emergency suicide note the police ended up pulling me out of a game of DND with my friends just to talk to me, I decided to try and get help one more time, I got set up to get a therapist through the county, but after weeks of waiting, nobody contacted me. No one helped me. Nobody. No one cares about some guy who's done nothing in his life, nobody.
So I gave up, and I'm never trying again, now my only salvation is death, when I close my eyes to sleep I see eyes staring back at me in the darkness. I cannot rest easy. My only good nights sleep I'll have anytime soon, is when I finally die. My mind is constantly plagued with his voice, laughing yelling and taunting, repeating over and over even as I type these very words he is talking to me. But when I die, I'll finally get the silence I've been yearning for these past few years. I miss when I could sit in a room, and hear absolutely nothing. I dont want to go on, living like this anymore. I don't want to become HIM. I can't stand the idea of him, using my skin, my flesh, my bones, for what he wants to do. He will only hurt the people I care for.
I'll say goodbye to this world, before he has the chance to say hello to it.
