Venting Is it selfish?

[SortaTired]

I'm at a loss today, I'm so conflicted. Part of me wants to keep fighting but I also know that fighting doesn't get me anywhere. I'm at a point in my life that some people have literally killed to get to, I'm making good money at a job I love with people who support me, I have a boyfriend who is amazing in every single way, my family loves and supports me no matter what.

I don't have a reason to be this way. I've tried medication, therapy (like 6 different therapist over my life), working out, meditation, and so much more. I'm tired, but I keep hoping someday I won't be tired. Realistically, I know that day won't come, this fatigue, this boredom, this feeling of insignicance. It's eclipsing of all the good things and I can't fix it.

My boyfriend and I just moved across the country to a city that's one of the coolest places in the world. If I CTB now, he would be left alone, with not enough money to survive here, with my Dog who he treats like his own. 5,000mi away from home, away from family and support. My job is too new to pay out suicide on life insurance, I would need to wait another two years for that, but I'm not sure I can. I need to either get better or be done, I don't have the capacity to keep going, I feel like my mind and spirit are stretched past the point of what is resonable.

I need a way to make it look like an accident, I need a way to make it so he isn't left with my mess. It's already going to hurt him enough to loose me, I'm not quite sure why but he does love me, despite me not having many good qualities, he for some reason really loves me. I think he knows that I will CTB someday, we've spoken about it a couple times. It's not a discussion he's willing to have, but he knows how I feel.

Is it selfish? I think I know the answer and that is yes, I need my affairs handled before I go, I need to know that he won't want for anything. I wish there was someplace on the dark web where you could sign up for a situation similiar to the Hostel movies, just get some rich asshole who wants to feel the rush of killing to pay out your family in exchange for your life. Though I wouldn't want to be tortured, just have someone pull the trigger or inject the needle. There has to be something like that out there in this world of fucked up individuals right?

 

[houseofleaves]

Do you have a feeling that this life is not the one you wanted? (sorry, just wondering)

 

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

You don't owe it to anyone to be alive. There are obviously things you can do to make your death easier on loved ones, but all that really matters is what you need to do to make yourself comfortable in your final moments.

You seem afraid your boyfriend will blame you for the pain your loss will bring, but even if you fake an accident or something similar, the pain will still be there. He'll have just as many questions. Just as many "what-ifs". I'd honestly just write it all out on a note. Maybe even tell it to him beforehand, if you think you could get away with it. He seems really understanding.

At the end of the day, your death will bring your loved ones pain no matter what, but you can't just live your whole life out of guilt. Whatever you do, you need to do it for you, and if that ends up being CTB, then this is just another item on the list of things you're just going to have to come to peace with one way or another.

I wish you luck either way. It sucks to see yourself with all things you thought you wanted, and then realize you don't feel any different.

 

[headspin]

I'm at a loss today, I'm so conflicted. Part of me wants to keep fighting but I also know that fighting doesn't get me anywhere. I'm at a point in my life that some people have literally killed to get to, I'm making good money at a job I love with people who support me, I have a boyfriend who is amazing in every single way, my family loves and supports me no matter what.

I don't have a reason to be this way. I've tried medication, therapy (like 6 different therapist over my life), working out, meditation, and so much more. I'm tired, but I keep hoping someday I won't be tired. Realistically, I know that day won't come, this fatigue, this boredom, this feeling of insignicance. It's eclipsing of all the good things and I can't fix it.

My boyfriend and I just moved across the country to a city that's one of the coolest places in the world. If I CTB now, he would be left alone, with not enough money to survive here, with my Dog who he treats like his own. 5,000mi away from home, away from family and support. My job is too new to pay out suicide on life insurance, I would need to wait another two years for that, but I'm not sure I can. I need to either get better or be done, I don't have the capacity to keep going, I feel like my mind and spirit are stretched past the point of what is resonable.

I need a way to make it look like an accident, I need a way to make it so he isn't left with my mess. It's already going to hurt him enough to loose me, I'm not quite sure why but he does love me, despite me not having many good qualities, he for some reason really loves me. I think he knows that I will CTB someday, we've spoken about it a couple times. It's not a discussion he's willing to have, but he knows how I feel.

Is it selfish? I think I know the answer and that is yes, I need my affairs handled before I go, I need to know that he won't want for anything. I wish there was someplace on the dark web where you could sign up for a situation similiar to the Hostel movies, just get some rich asshole who wants to feel the rush of killing to pay out your family in exchange for your life. Though I wouldn't want to be tortured, just have someone pull the trigger or inject the needle. There has to be something like that out there in this world of fucked up individuals right?

I have imagined this too…as well as trying to make it look like an accident.
It's wild to me though that you have so much in your life and you still feel this way . It's awful. I'm sorry.
Sounds like you need to keep fighting, like you have a lot to live for.
Look into ketamine therapy, or TMS.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Borrow a significant sum of money from a criminal organization.

 

[ineedrope]

I know many people will say it's not selfish and it's you're right to live. I still think it is selfish in a way, I don't know.

 

[Al Cappella]

Ya, I'm one of the people who thinks it's not selfish. Symptoms of illness can't ever be selfish. If folks could experience, for one day, what it's like to live under these conditions, they'd drop the name-calling and judgement quickly enough. All you can do, whatever happens, is treat yourself with kindness and know you did enough. We don't owe anyone more than that.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not believe that suicide can ever be selfish, as we all have the right to exit this world at a time of our own choosing and we have no obligations to stay alive as we did not ask to exist, it is a personal decision when to leave. I'm sorry that you are going through this, it sounds like a difficult situation to be in, and I know that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[SortaTired]

Do you have a feeling that this life is not the one you wanted? (sorry, just wondering)

Don't be sorry, we are here to open a dialogue right?

I don't know. I have everything I want. I think what makes it hard to distinguish is that I don't really know what I want, who I want to be, or any of that. I'm indifferent to it all.

Borrow a significant sum of money from a criminal organization.

Lol I'd rather just barrow it from a legitimate organization and move it into an account get can't touch…. Which now that I think about it, wouldn't be that hard… maybe I do have a plan.

I know many people will say it's not selfish and it's you're right to live. I still think it is selfish in a way, I don't know.

Deep down I feel like it's selfish too. That's why I haven't done it yet. Well that and I'm a coward.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

.......................similar to the Hostel movies, just get some rich asshole who wants to feel the rush of killing to pay out your family in exchange for your life. Though I wouldn't want to be tortured, just have someone pull the trigger or inject the needle. There has to be something like that out there in this world of fucked up individuals right?

Sure there is. It's called SBC. Maybe not exactly, though, because they don't pay you. But, it's not suicide, it's homicide. That's what the DC will say. Will your insurance pay off on homicide?

 

[serah]

I believe it can be seen as a selfish act. But at the same time asking someone who is struggling to stay alive when they no longer want to be is just as selfish.

 

[SortaTired]

Sure there is. It's called SBC. Maybe not exactly, though, because they don't pay you. But, it's not suicide, it's homicide. That's what the DC will say. Will your insurance pay off on homicide?

Yeah they will, I'd even pay a good amount for someone who is willing. I know this isn't the space to solicit that kind of thing though. But if anyone wants to DM with some dark web resources... I wouldn't turn down the help

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Yeah they will, I'd even pay a good amount for someone who is willing. I know this isn't the space to solicit that kind of thing though. But if anyone wants to DM with some dark web resources... I wouldn't turn down the help

Just do the Suicide-By-Cop method if you're intent on going through with it. And it's FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..................as the annoying JJ Walker says in the Medicare Coverage Helpline

 

[MicropBaldCurrycel]

Everything every human does is Selfish.

We can deny it but every step we take and every way we feel/want to feel is out of selfishness.

Even people who give to charity/help others do it to feel good about themselves.

theres no such thing as a non selifish human being.

we are sadly programmed to be selfish.

I's an undeniable fact that all humans are selfish.

Even those who would mourn our suicides are selfish.

Life is one big cesspool of selfish beings and greed.

 

[whatevs]

I'm at a loss today, I'm so conflicted. Part of me wants to keep fighting but I also know that fighting doesn't get me anywhere. I'm at a point in my life that some people have literally killed to get to, I'm making good money at a job I love with people who support me, I have a boyfriend who is amazing in every single way, my family loves and supports me no matter what.

I don't have a reason to be this way. I've tried medication, therapy (like 6 different therapist over my life), working out, meditation, and so much more. I'm tired, but I keep hoping someday I won't be tired. Realistically, I know that day won't come, this fatigue, this boredom, this feeling of insignicance. It's eclipsing of all the good things and I can't fix it.

My boyfriend and I just moved across the country to a city that's one of the coolest places in the world. If I CTB now, he would be left alone, with not enough money to survive here, with my Dog who he treats like his own. 5,000mi away from home, away from family and support. My job is too new to pay out suicide on life insurance, I would need to wait another two years for that, but I'm not sure I can. I need to either get better or be done, I don't have the capacity to keep going, I feel like my mind and spirit are stretched past the point of what is resonable.

I need a way to make it look like an accident, I need a way to make it so he isn't left with my mess. It's already going to hurt him enough to loose me, I'm not quite sure why but he does love me, despite me not having many good qualities, he for some reason really loves me. I think he knows that I will CTB someday, we've spoken about it a couple times. It's not a discussion he's willing to have, but he knows how I feel.

Is it selfish? I think I know the answer and that is yes, I need my affairs handled before I go, I need to know that he won't want for anything. I wish there was someplace on the dark web where you could sign up for a situation similiar to the Hostel movies, just get some rich asshole who wants to feel the rush of killing to pay out your family in exchange for your life. Though I wouldn't want to be tortured, just have someone pull the trigger or inject the needle. There has to be something like that out there in this world of fucked up individuals right?

I would never get into a Hostel situation not expecting to get raped, tortured, eaten and killed. The whole package. Goes without saying but don't try that lol

I like the idea of doing such an excellent job with faking an accident that nobody ever suspects that you killed yourself. There's something alluring about that.