I've been through too much crap to ever be mentally stable again.
I was raped at 8 years old bullied physically and verbally at school from age 11 sexually assaulted again at 12 police not believing me and making it worse by telling the person about the allegations causing me to get beat up till my nose bled.
False allegations were made of me violently attacking a girl who was my best friend because she didn't want to be my friend anymore but didn't want to just cut me off because she was a narcissist and a sociopath and highly manipulative and because she was such a good liar it caused my image to be permanently destroyed and other students and teachers and even parents didn't trust me
I ended up moving to a special needs school at age 13 and in that school witnessing people self harm or try to kill themselves infront of me (there's been times I've had to actually wrestle other students who were cutting themselves) having other students at the school who don't understand boundaries so touch me inappropriately triggering me and the teachers making me out to be a bad person because they have learning delays
having a girl in the school say she's going to drown herself me not doing anything thinking she was joking then she went "missing" really close after that and I saw it on the news and they was asking for people with information to contact the police so I said about the drowning comment and then shortly after they closed the case school told me she was found alive and is well but that was a lie which I found out by finding one of her family members on Facebook (most of them had blocked me I'm guessing they blame me) but yes that lady had posted about it which I found almost a year later because I found it suspicious since no one was allowed to even mention her (good or bad) and when I found out the teachers admitted it and told me off.
During all of this time since the second assault I've been trying to kill myself constantly.
I tried to get help at first but nothing helped no meds, no therapy, no nothing helped. Therapists were giving up on me left right and centre and now they done even answer calls or nothing.
The truth is I can't be fixed.
The PTSD from the rape.
The anxiety,anger and depression from the bullying and the false allegations about me.
The guilt from basically "killing" that girl then the upset and anger I felt from not being allowed to grieve because everyone lied to me that she was alive and then when I found out it was too late because the funeral was over didn't know where she was buried if she was and the teachers still made me come in the very next day after finding out.
All of that has long lasting effects. Effects that will never go unless I kill myself.
So I tried continuously and I was stopped. One time I barely made it and that makes me so angry I was so close to death.
And here in the UK if you are young you know after an attempt CAMHS have to speak to you. That's the help you get when you are young. An older person would be sent to get actual help in like a ward or something. But for younger people that's very rare. I literally just got told basically "it's all because of hormones just have a hot bath and a cup of tea or go for a walk" when you feel suicidal. And then I get sent home.
It's not fair.
Do you think considering the shit I've been through it's fair for me to stay alive for some tea and a bath and a fucking walk?
I still hate myself.
I still feel disgusting and have terrible nightmares and hallucinations because of the trauma from rape.
I still feel uncared for and humiliated because of the bullying.
I still feel disturbed from the self harm and suicide attempts I've witnessed .
And I'm still guilt ridden because of the girl who drowned herself.
I feel I should be allowed to die.
It's too much to handle.
I had to grow up way to early.
I feel my childhood was taken away from me.
I'm going to college in September. (If I'm still alive by then)
I'm going to be in the "real world" but I don't feel ready. I feel I haven't yet had the chance to just be a child. But I know I'll never get it back.
I need to die.
But no one cares about my pain being alive.
They just want to feel like a hero.
But they aren't.
At least not to me.
I was raped at 8 years old bullied physically and verbally at school from age 11 sexually assaulted again at 12 police not believing me and making it worse by telling the person about the allegations causing me to get beat up till my nose bled.
False allegations were made of me violently attacking a girl who was my best friend because she didn't want to be my friend anymore but didn't want to just cut me off because she was a narcissist and a sociopath and highly manipulative and because she was such a good liar it caused my image to be permanently destroyed and other students and teachers and even parents didn't trust me
I ended up moving to a special needs school at age 13 and in that school witnessing people self harm or try to kill themselves infront of me (there's been times I've had to actually wrestle other students who were cutting themselves) having other students at the school who don't understand boundaries so touch me inappropriately triggering me and the teachers making me out to be a bad person because they have learning delays
having a girl in the school say she's going to drown herself me not doing anything thinking she was joking then she went "missing" really close after that and I saw it on the news and they was asking for people with information to contact the police so I said about the drowning comment and then shortly after they closed the case school told me she was found alive and is well but that was a lie which I found out by finding one of her family members on Facebook (most of them had blocked me I'm guessing they blame me) but yes that lady had posted about it which I found almost a year later because I found it suspicious since no one was allowed to even mention her (good or bad) and when I found out the teachers admitted it and told me off.
During all of this time since the second assault I've been trying to kill myself constantly.
I tried to get help at first but nothing helped no meds, no therapy, no nothing helped. Therapists were giving up on me left right and centre and now they done even answer calls or nothing.
The truth is I can't be fixed.
The PTSD from the rape.
The anxiety,anger and depression from the bullying and the false allegations about me.
The guilt from basically "killing" that girl then the upset and anger I felt from not being allowed to grieve because everyone lied to me that she was alive and then when I found out it was too late because the funeral was over didn't know where she was buried if she was and the teachers still made me come in the very next day after finding out.
All of that has long lasting effects. Effects that will never go unless I kill myself.
So I tried continuously and I was stopped. One time I barely made it and that makes me so angry I was so close to death.
And here in the UK if you are young you know after an attempt CAMHS have to speak to you. That's the help you get when you are young. An older person would be sent to get actual help in like a ward or something. But for younger people that's very rare. I literally just got told basically "it's all because of hormones just have a hot bath and a cup of tea or go for a walk" when you feel suicidal. And then I get sent home.
It's not fair.
Do you think considering the shit I've been through it's fair for me to stay alive for some tea and a bath and a fucking walk?
I still hate myself.
I still feel disgusting and have terrible nightmares and hallucinations because of the trauma from rape.
I still feel uncared for and humiliated because of the bullying.
I still feel disturbed from the self harm and suicide attempts I've witnessed .
And I'm still guilt ridden because of the girl who drowned herself.
I feel I should be allowed to die.
It's too much to handle.
I had to grow up way to early.
I feel my childhood was taken away from me.
I'm going to college in September. (If I'm still alive by then)
I'm going to be in the "real world" but I don't feel ready. I feel I haven't yet had the chance to just be a child. But I know I'll never get it back.
I need to die.
But no one cares about my pain being alive.
They just want to feel like a hero.
But they aren't.
At least not to me.
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