Discussion Is it really even possible to just start over?

[MellowAvenue]

Semi-discussion/Semi-vent; I know some of you guys have heard this all the time, "Just clear your head and start over," or "Try and get a fresh start on life," some older media used to romanticize the idea of fucking up your life so badly that you decide to pack it all up, move to a small town in little America, and just start over. Even if that were possible in the past, I don't think it is anymore. The world is too interconnected, (legally) moving to a new country isn't easy, and even if you think you've escaped your past it seems to have a way of catching up with you somehow, someway. My attempts at a fresh start haven't exactly panned out for this reason, which is why I've had a renewal in my suicidal ideations.

Even still though, I don't think I want to die… Not really… I just want an actual second chance at life. Maybe reincarnation turns out is true and I get that chance, because it sure doesn't seem like it'll be in this lifetime.

 

[Celerity]

To avoid repeating too much of what I said in the thread by @Un- , I will add that you can't outrun yourself. During my most severe depressive episode, living on the opposite end of the country and after having acquired everything I thought I wanted, I realized that I still wasn't happy. I didn't know what to do with this information at the time except to despair. What was the fucking point, anyway? Why even set ambitious goals if achieving them ultimately meant nothing? How could I form friendships or fall in love with this emptiness inside that would never get better no matter where I was or who surrounded me? It all seemed so hopeless.

Five years later, after having lost all of it and back at square one, I live with the knowledge that I didn't want any of the things I thought I did. In fact, I still don't really know what I want or what I need. I don't think I ever will. It should be terrifying, and sometimes it is, but I am also comforted by the fact that there is no need to figure everything out because doing so is impossible. I no longer look for "fresh starts". I don't ever again want to get my hopes so high only to see them dashed.

So yeah, in my experience, "fresh starts" of the popular imagination don't exist. It's a fantasy. You carry your demons everywhere. You can improve your lot in life. You can acquire better material conditions and distance yourself from toxic people, but at the end of the day, you're still going to be you. A shiny new life can't make a shiny new you. That's the rub.

 

[MellowAvenue]

A shiny new life can't make a shiny new you. That's the rub.

This resonated pretty hard with me actually. It's the truth. I've tried so hard this year to "be better" but deep down I still don't know what that really means nor what measures it. I've done things I never thought I could this year, and can take some pride in it, but at the end of the day I don't think it made me happy, or better, I'm still just me.

Thanks for the words. I'll try and take them to heart as I figure out what my next steps are…

 

[Celerity]

This resonated pretty hard with me actually. It's the truth. I've tried so hard this year to "be better" but deep down I still don't know what that really means nor what measures it. I've done things I never thought I could this year, and can take some pride in it, but at the end of the day I don't think it made me happy, or better, I'm still just me.

Thanks for the words. I'll try and take them to heart as I figure out what my next steps are…

What did you do this past year, if I may ask?

Though I have not changed tremendously since my depressive episode, I have changed enough to say that life is worth living most days. I wish I had added that as a qualifier to my rather dismal post here in your thread. I am going to link my reply to the other thread because I think it adds some much needed context.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...ly-are-a-bit-disingenuous.105051/post-1807692

 

[MellowAvenue]

What did you do this past year, if I may ask?

Though I have not changed tremendously since my depressive episode, I have changed enough to say that life is worth living most days. I wish I had added that as a qualifier to my rather dismal post here in your thread. I am going to link my reply to the other thread because I think it adds some much needed context.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...ly-are-a-bit-disingenuous.105051/post-1807692

I actually was just making another post venting about my year when you made that reply:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/just-a-rambling-vent-i-guess.105301/#post-1807843

I saw your posts on -Un's thread and thought you were very insightful.

 

[crowbait]

I think you can. it's what I did, though I did go back on it partially (I reconnected with my parents tentatively). Maybe my success story will soothe you. Two years ago my life was hell. Emotionally abusive family, emotionally abusive boyfriend, friends sucked, life completely sucked. I felt like I wasn't a person or myself, I was just like a video game character going through each day. So I started over. Applied for university, then student loans, paid for tuition with student loans. Used student loan money to secure a place which I found on a Facebook housing group. Ran away from home by bringing stuff over to my ex's house everytime I visited. Wound up in a big city where I got a job. Blocked/unfriended everyone from my old life. Purged old social media. Cut and dyed my hair, got tattoos and piercings, new glasses and drastically different wardrobe- even weight gain changed my face, I'm genuinely unrecognizable. Legally changed my full name- only $130 in Canada.

I guess there can always be ties left, but I don't think that would make it less helpful. It depends on what problems you're trying to outrun. If this is interpersonal, I think people are too self-absorbed to run after you.

 

[Dead Ghost]

Yes you can, what happens is that most people mistakenly understand that starting from scratch means doing things differently when in reality it means doing them differently.
I mean that you can change your job, your home, your partner, your city or country, but if you continue being the same person, nothing will change. That's why they always say that the important thing is the attitude. Thinking differently helps more than anything else, it opens new perspectives on everything and you can venture into paths you would have never seen before.

I didn't take any of that into account many years ago, I changed my job, my hobbies, I prepared myself to work in another area and I crashed... I was still myself and I was dragging the same problems. The surprise of course, to find a positive side to the matter, is that I realized that the problem was not outside but inside me (a big step to realize that the problem is how you live your LIFE and not LIFE itself in general).

So I think that if you want to start from scratch, you should focus primarily on yourself and plan a set of goals/objectives around personal growth and move forward step by step.

And I can't add anything else because if I were so wise I wouldn't be on this website anymore.

//

Si que es pot, el que passa es que la majoría entén equivocadament que començar de cero vol dir fer coses diferents quan en realitat vol dir fer-les de manera diferent.
Vull dir que ja pots cambiar de feina, de casa, de parella, de ciutat o país que si segueixes sent la mateixa persona res canviarà. Per això sempre diuen que l'important és l'actitud.. pensar diferent ajuda més que qualsevol altre cosa, t'obre noves perpectives sobretot i pots aventurar-te a camins que abans mai haguessis vist.

Jo no vaig tenir en compte res d'això fa bastants anys, vaig cambiar de feina, d'aficions, em vaig preparar per treballar en una altre àrea i em vaig estavellar de ple... continuava sent jo mateix i arrossegava els mateixos problemes. La sorpresa esclar, per trobar un caire positiu a l'assumpte, es que em vaig adonar que el problema no era fora sinó dins meu (un gran pas això d'adonar-se que el problema es com vius la teva VIDA i no pas la VIDA en general en si).

Així que penso que si un vol començar de cero, s'ha de centrar sobretot en si mateix i planificar una série de metes/objectius al voltant del creixement personal i anar avançant pas a pas.

I no puc afegir res més perquè si tan savi fos ja no hi sería en aquest web.

 

[deathbylife]

You carry your demons everywhere. You can improve your lot in life. You can acquire better material conditions and distance yourself from toxic people, but at the end of the day, you're still going to be you. A shiny new life can't make a shiny new you. That's the rub.

Yep... I have to force myself to continue examining my own motives regarding my dysfunctional relationship issues, because they're going with me wherever I go. That's the really hard part: in therapy, in solitude, and around others.

 

[godhelpme313]

"You can never step into the same river twice" but you can rebuild your credit score or go back to advanced college in your 70s.