Hi there. I'm kind of in the same boat. I struggle a lot with suicidal thoughts. I've had about 5 serious attempts, and I'll have a few days when I feel pissed or really sad, and I'll talk a lot about killing myself. It's kind of cathartic. I immensely fear rejection and abandonment, so I use suicide as a way to cope. I view death as better than being abandoned or cheated. I get how it feels to go through with a plan, or get pretty damn close to completing everything, only to fail. The shame, the anger, and the embarrassment when you have to face your friends or family is a lot. I've had a friend who witnessed almost all of my attempts. I've put her through so much, and I feel incredible guilt over it. I guess the best thing to do is apologize. Apologize and tell them that they are enough for you, but you just have a clouded mind at times.
I totally understand the fear. Yeah, you could ruin their lives. But guess what? If you off yourself, you will DEFINITELY ruin their lives. If you are alive, you can fix things. Time doesn't heal all things, but it will stock you up on opportunities to fix things. I know with BPD, it is really easy to fuck up a relationship. I promise you, most things can be salvaged. I know that living is scary. With suicide, it feels like you can end your suffering. It feels like you are in control. You feel like there's a safety net. The truth is, if you really want to give yourself a better perspective. Take death off the table. Tell yourself, "I cannot die, and I am trapped here." Once you do that, watch the solutions your mind comes up with. If you get desperate enough, you'll find one. I promise you will. I don't know if you're in the states, but there are a lot of good crisis lines. Not suicide hotlines, like 988, but crisis lines that will talk you through your problems, or there are relationship hotlines. Those are really good if a particular relationship is causing you distress because of something you have done to hurt someone. Lastly, just because there's a chance that you might fall back into this pattern of behavior does not mean that you should not try to improve yourself. What if you change for good? What if somehow, you manage to keep it all at bay and live a great life? You have to try, even if you barely have any hope. You have to try because hope is powerful. Just a glimmer of it can save your life. I know one thing: You can't go on like this. You can't keep trying to kill yourself and failing, otherwise people will start to distance themselves, or they will view you differently. People will think of you as either manipulative or just really crazy. Those are possibilities, and let me tell you. they will rip your heart out. It really sucks to be thought of as nuts, because you miss out on so much. People are not always forgiving or understanding. So, you know you can't go on like this. You need to make a choice. Either you stick it out and surrender to life, or fight as hard as you can to die. You go all in and do whatever you can. If you die, you will never feel pain again. If you live, you could experience the greatest pleasures of life and live to create fruitful and healthy relationships. It will come with time and practice. Practice controlling the anger or avoiding isolating yourself. Practice remaining calm and trying not to hold people in a bad light if you struggle with switching.
You don't have to die. You can truly have a good relationship. Yes, you are going to fuck up. You will lose your shit and make the same mistakes. You can, however, use these times as an opportunity to strengthen the bond. Don't beat the shit out of it, but shaking it a time or two won't ruin it. You need to go easy on yourself. You really do. If it feels like someone is going to leave you, talk out your fears. If they don't listen, find someone new to ground yourself with. You need good people who will reassure you. I promise, you are going to be okay. I know life is scary, but you can do this. It is daunting. It is a massive, fantastic beast, but you are capable of slaying it. You are capable of completely owning the world. You just have to try. I know it sounds cheesy, but when I have manic episodes, that kind of thinking keeps me alive. Believing that you can win the small battles, the battles within, and the daily battles against yourself is absolutely key. You have to have hope, even if it causes you to overestimate yourself. You'll never know if you're being honest about yourself until you actually get out there and live.
Don't be afraid to call hotlines. Yes, I know it can feel weird or like you're overdoing it, but just hear them out. It also feels good to talk out your issues.
You can absolutely live life. Take death off of the table. Tell people your feelings, as weird as it feels, and make them aware. It's okay to be afraid because that also means you are aware. If you are aware, you can come up with a decent plan. Just take away the easy way out, and force your mind to become desperate. Trust me, you can do this. Take every chance to be as normal as possible. I know it sounds weird, but when you feel yourself getting into your feelings, judge your reaction. Is it normal? Is is justified? Is it good for both parties? Chances are, if it feels justified, you probably shouldn't do it or say it. You should be focused on winning with the person you are with instead of trying to win and vindicate yourself. All in all, you got this. You are questioning your choices, which is an amazing sign. I promise, your paradigm can be fixed.
