Is it possible that I have an eating disorder?

[YourWayOrMine]

I'm genuinely scared of bringing any of this up to my therapist because I don't want to get sent back to the psych ward again. I'm also a bit scared to post this because I don't want anyone to think that I'm gross for this.
Anyway, I've been stopping myself from eating for a while now and I'm currently 90 pounds (my bmi is 15). I constantly weigh myself (although I've been trying my best not to do this) and get freaked out if I weigh so much as 92 lbs. I get extremely upset with myself after I eat, and I've made myself puke once before in the past. I keep having the urge to force myself to vomit and it's becoming very difficult to suppress these urges. I also get very irritated if someone asks about whatever I'm eating or if I ate today, and I'd rather prefer to eat by myself where no one is around.
I don't like self diagnosing, but I feel like I'm at a high risk of developing an eating disorder if I do not have one already. But idk, maybe I'm just being dramatic and this is all in my head.
I know the best idea is to tell my therapist about this but will I get sent to the psych ward if I do? Please help :(

 

[glittergore]

You're not gross at all, don't worry about that. I'm not a psychologist, but from the perspective of someone who used to struggle with an eating disorder, it sounds like you have one. A therapist would only recommend you be admitted into a psych ward if she thinks you're a danger to yourself, so if she judges that your symptoms are severe enough, she might. I do think that she would likely try to get you help before escalating it to that level, such as an outpatient program. However, with the behaviors you're currently exhibiting, you might end up being hospitalized eventually because of the physical effects of your eating disorder. A BMI of 15 is quite low. With that in mind, I do think it's best to tell her what's going on so you can get the help you want.

 

[autumnal]

I'm genuinely scared of bringing any of this up to my therapist because I don't want to get sent back to the psych ward again. I'm also a bit scared to post this because I don't want anyone to think that I'm gross for this.
Anyway, I've been stopping myself from eating for a while now and I'm currently 90 pounds (my bmi is 15). I constantly weigh myself (although I've been trying my best not to do this) and get freaked out if I weigh so much as 92 lbs. I get extremely upset with myself after I eat, and I've made myself puke once before in the past. I keep having the urge to force myself to vomit and it's becoming very difficult to suppress these urges. I also get very irritated if someone asks about whatever I'm eating or if I ate today, and I'd rather prefer to eat by myself where no one is around.
I don't like self diagnosing, but I feel like I'm at a high risk of developing an eating disorder if I do not have one already. But idk, maybe I'm just being dramatic and this is all in my head.
I know the best idea is to tell my therapist about this but will I get sent to the psych ward if I do? Please help :(

Yes, I'd say you pretty conclusively have an eating disorder. However as others have said, there is certainly nothing gross about this, and you have nothing to feel ashamed of. I would definitely recommend telling your therapist about this and getting some help, subject to the caveat below.

The normal reasons for being sent to a psych ward are danger of harming self or danger of harming others. This typically means self-injury, suicide or attacking someone else. I'm presuming this has happened to you before for one of those reasons, rather than due to an eating disorder? An eating disorder provides the additional element of you being at risk of harming yourself through starvation and/or malnutrition. You will only risk being hospitalised involuntarily for an eating disorder if your weight and/or health is so poor that it places you at physical risk. Note from the Wikipedia link above that a BMI of 15–16 classes you as a 'severe' risk per the DSM-5 criteria. Eating disorders are not an area I know much about, so I am unsure of how someone presenting with that BMI would be handled by a therapist in terms of considering voluntary or involuntary hospitalisation. It would certainly help prevent you being hospitalised if you showed insight into your condition, agreed on strategies to improve your weight and committed to regular return visits to your therapist.

The paradox of being from a mental health background on this forum is that typically we tend to recommend ways for people to fool the system and thus enable them to freely consider suicide. While your concern remains the eating disorder, and you haven't currently expressed a wish to suicide, I'm going to stick to recommending honesty and treatment regarding your condition.

One other disclaimer from me: those in the field understand that eating disorders come about from a highly inaccurate self-assessment of one's weight and body image. You may have seen those anorexia meme images of an emaciated, skeletal-looking girl looking in a mirror and seeing a fat person in the reflection. In short, we believe and understand that if your perceptions were less distorted and more realistic, then you would see a more accurate picture of yourself and not have the urge to lose weight. Where this intersects with suicidality is problematic. The prevailing view on this forum is that every adult person should have the capacity and right to commit suicide, regardless of mental illness (and indeed, often because of it). But if you are feeling suicidal because of your eating disorder, then that complicates things for me somewhat regarding this personal autonomy. I would hate to do anything to enable or condone your suicide if it were solely as a result of your eating disorder, which I knew to be distorting your own assessments.