Venting Is it “normal” to feel suicidal when i think about how i am always left out (unintentionally)? Aka its a “me” problem?

[melancholy&somejoy]

so just some background info on me ; I'm neither an introvert, nor an extrovert, i'm what people would call an ambivert. I do try when it comes to making friends and i would say i have established meaningful connections in life. This effort i make to provide a listening ear, to be friendly, to be cheerful and bubbly is actually what makes it so depressing for me to think that i still am the one to be left out.

Currently, i recently graduated from secondary school (12–16yo) and from that schooling experience, have found myself sticking to a group of 4 friends, including myself and having 2 to 3 other close friends but those of whom i do not talk to on a daily basis. I must also add that i suck at maintaining contact with these 2/3 close friends because I'm not really a tester + they're the type of friends you can not talk with for months but the moment you go out together, it's as if there was no awkwardness. The problem with the group of 4 is that i find myself to be the 4th wheel. You may think "oh trios dont work", it's true, i was the 3rd wheel when there were only 3 of us but even when there were 4 of us, i became the 4th wheel. This was how I realised that the problem is actually me.

Now i am in a new school and once more, i find myself in a group of 3, and again, i am the third wheel. It's apparent to me when eg. We are walking down the stairs and the 2 of them are walking in front of me talking, so i choose to just zone out… so my sister has suggested for me to walk in front of them instead, but even when i do, I realise that i am walking alone and now the 2 of them are walking behind me…

i suppose it is important for me to point out that i do believe i have Sluggish Cognitive Tempo (SCT) which results in my thought process being slower and having a blank mind — no thoughts, hard for me to form personal opinions which can lead to me being silent during discussions.

it's especially depressing after co-curricular activity when i know during the activity itself (Dance), i have people i can strike up friendly conversations with but i still end up walking alone when the activity is over. Sure, some of them stick with people from the same class as them but even the extroverted girl from the same class as me has found a new person she'd rather stick with. Recently, there was an instance where after the club activity, i was walking alone to the bus stop when i saw another club member walking alone, i never really conversed with her so i struck up a conversation with her. It was granted, just small talk where i was the only one asking her questions (eg. When i asked her what subject combination she took, she answered me but didn't ask me the question back which made me think that she wasn't interested in keeping up a conversation with me/forming a friendship) the worse part was when she saw another dance member walking alone ahead of us and she had the audacity to walk faster so she could walk beside this other girl and they started talking while i was left walking behind, eating her dust…

I dont know if it's my personality or not, sometimes i feel like people think they can just ignore me even when I'm speaking to them, do i look easy to bully? do i actually look different from how i see myself in the mirror and i am actually hideous af? But yeah, just a rant + I'm curious if I'm just really weak-minded/emotionally sensitive… is this normal to feel suicidal and depressed over? eveyrone experiences feeling left out, it's just part and parcel of life but i seem to suck at moving on, like i suck at everything else in my life…

 

[charlotte_]

Really sorry you're feeling this way. But just to let you know, it is totally valid to feel. There's no valid reason to feel hurt about. If it does, then it is a valid reason. And you aren't the problem either. As long as you are not hurting anyone, then you will never be one. The world is just unfair to a lot of us, and I've seen people who felt left out even at old age, like 50 or 60. Your feelings are totally valid.
My advise would be to just stop caring about others and spend more time on yourself. You cannot change anyone, and should you let them change you. Let people be whatever they want, and instead maybe try to spend time finding out what you're good at, and be confident about it. I think the main reason why you are left out is because you put yourself under others and underestimate yourself, therefore, people are seeing you in that same way. So, theres a saying that goes somewhat like: don't try to run after people, make them run after you. Even if people dont immediately run after you, well, having some confidence would be great wouldnt it?

 

[Darkover]

how old are you

 

[justastranger]

No! I used to experience the same thing, I would love to hang around them but also felt extremely sad too. I managed to find new friends after that and I'm doing better now, do you have any other slightly close friends? Also, it's not your fault and it's not just you. Do you feel that you could tell them about it? What do you think their reaction would be if you did?

Do you think it's on purpose?

 

[Lavander 230]

I used to be like you, only later on I "acquired" personality.

 

[Solek]

I don't know what being the wheel of a group of friends means, could someone enlighten me?

 

[hiki-loser]

i suppose it is important for me to point out that i do believe i have Sluggish Cognitive Tempo (SCT) which results in my thought process being slower and having a blank mind — no thoughts, hard for me to form personal opinions which can lead to me being silent during discussions.

I haven't heard this term before, I might have this too lol, I've known for a while I've had some kind of processing disorder.

it's especially depressing after co-curricular activity when i know during the activity itself (Dance), i have people i can strike up friendly conversations with but i still end up walking alone when the activity is over. Sure, some of them stick with people from the same class as them but even the extroverted girl from the same class as me has found a new person she'd rather stick with. Recently, there was an instance where after the club activity, i was walking alone to the bus stop when i saw another club member walking alone, i never really conversed with her so i struck up a conversation with her. It was granted, just small talk where i was the only one asking her questions (eg. When i asked her what subject combination she took, she answered me but didn't ask me the question back which made me think that she wasn't interested in keeping up a conversation with me/forming a friendship) the worse part was when she saw another dance member walking alone ahead of us and she had the audacity to walk faster so she could walk beside this other girl and they started talking while i was left walking behind, eating her dust…

I'm very sorry this happened to you, I was too cowardly to make a lot of conversation with people so the fact you go out of your way too is really admirable. Making conversation is difficult, finding people who want to around even more so.

I dont know if it's my personality or not, sometimes i feel like people think they can just ignore me even when I'm speaking to them, do i look easy to bully? do i actually look different from how i see myself in the mirror and i am actually hideous af? But yeah, just a rant + I'm curious if I'm just really weak-minded/emotionally sensitive… is this normal to feel suicidal and depressed over? eveyrone experiences feeling left out, it's just part and parcel of life but i seem to suck at moving on, like i suck at everything else in my life…

You're not weak for having emotions, it's ok to be upset about things, moving on is from negative experiences is a skill and the difficulty isn't always consistent. School can be difficult.

Currently, i recently graduated from secondary school (12–16yo) ...

Now i am in a new school and once more...

this is suggesting to me you're under 18 or very recently 18, I would advise you to be very careful about how you engage with this forum, or better, to stop browsing and if you must, come back at a later date. I understand feeling suicidal from a young age, but i think there are better and safer places in real life and websites you can visit before you go to a forum that compiles information on how to commit suicide. If you need help figuring out where you can go or anything feel free to message me.