Is it normal to feel better after deciding to CTB?

[Intractabe]

It's weird but as I get closer to the day I plan to do it, I actually feel better. Like in a better mood. It hasn't made me not want to do it, but I guess I'll see what happens when the time comes.

But I've just stopped caring about stuff that would normally be making me feel bad. I don't care about money. I'm not spending a ton of it because there's not really any point in buying stuff I can't take with me. But I've been buying whatever food I want and I subscribed to all the streaming services with shows I've wanted to see and I've just generally been living comfortably in a way I could never afford to if I planned to live.

I've stopped checking the mail or my email. I've stopped even feeling guilty about not replying to messages or comments if I don't actively feel like it. All the social capital I worked hard to build and was so anxious about maintaining ..I just don't give a shit and I've lost a ton of friends and I don't care. I'm speaking my mind and doing what I want within my power. Of course, that power is extremely limited, which factors into why I'm ready to go. But it feels nice, actually, to just not care. Not put in any effort for things that won't affect me in a short time.

I think this makes me a shitty person. I think maybe I was always a shitty person. But right now that's fine, because I'm solving the problem. No one will have to waste any more time or resources on me soon. I won't be a drain on society and my friends. Between continuing to live as a useless time suck, unable to provide for myself or others, in constant misery and pain and intractable suffering, hurting those around me by falling apart increasingly over time, or taking the easy way out...I think the moral choice is clear. For once I'll be doing something good for everyone.

 

[Cioran]

It happens to everyone who has no regrets.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

I know i felt better when i decided that i will ctb. Still the only thing that calms me down.

 

[Paralyzed boy]

I can definitely relate to "not giving a fuck" attitude which can be so liberating in its self. I went through the same phase when my depression was at its deepest, where I literally and intentionally did things that made me happy thinking that it wouldn't matter in the end anyways. When you feel like your so close to death, it feels like everything normal humans think about such as money, career, blah blah blah doesn't seem so big now and you litterally are just looking for anything to stimulate your fraglie mind and well being; I went on a porn spree(actually paid for it), I ate out everyday for 2-3 weeks, spent alot of money on microtranstions for videos just to get a little kick for the moment because I litter ally had no impulse control.

I don't know your circumstances but i do understanding where you're coming from where life can be such a burden that shit just don't matter. I remember reading on this forum that it's probably best to understand its your time to go when you've reached a rational state of mind and made peace and feel like you've enjoyed all their is to enjoy. I don't know how I can comfort you or if you even want to be comforted because I know deep down alot of us that suffer mental illness have some kind of redeemable human traits although it can be had to recognize it once we get swallowed in our thoughts. Anyways, I'm sending love and hopefully comfort regardless of what you currently feel and what you decide to do because i can relate.

 

[the box is empty]

There's always a sense of relief when i think about it. Something I do have control over.

 

[aedric_artifact]

Totally normal in my opinion. Why? Well, you really hit a lot of key points in your post. You can decide that since you're going to CTB you can just live a carefree life. You can start doing things that would normally have long-lasting repercussions, but not have to face them. You can begin to neglect your daily duties and just chill, relax, and enjoy your last days.

But, although it may be normal, I think it is extremely hazardous.

Reason being, it sort of solidifies your decision... If you do start living carefree, you will have long-term issues to deal with if you decide to not CTB. If you impulsively spend all of your money for example, then slowly begin to realize "Wait, I want to live," then you'll be full of regret that you spent all of your money and I think that'll fuel your CTB desires again. Do you know what I mean? I think it's normal, but unhealthy. But then again, it's not like choosing to CTB was healthy to begin with.

 

[Intractabe]

Totally normal in my opinion. Why? Well, you really hit a lot of key points in your post. You can decide that since you're going to CTB you can just live a carefree life. You can start doing things that would normally have long-lasting repercussions, but not have to face them. You can begin to neglect your daily duties and just chill, relax, and enjoy your last days.

But, although it may be normal, I think it is extremely hazardous.

Reason being, it sort of solidifies your decision... If you do start living carefree, you will have long-term issues to deal with if you decide to not CTB. If you impulsively spend all of your money for example, then slowly begin to realize "Wait, I want to live," then you'll be full of regret that you spent all of your money and I think that'll fuel your CTB desires again. Do you know what I mean? I think it's normal, but unhealthy. But then again, it's not like choosing to CTB was healthy to begin with.

I kind of like it for that aspect. I hope it'll make it easier to follow through when the time comes.

I don't think choosing to CTB is necessarily "unhealthy." In the sense that you can't be healthy if you're not alive, sure, it's unhealthy. But I don't think it's necessarily the result of unhealthy thought patterns and I don't think it's necessarily irrational.

My criteria for when CTB is a reasonable option for me is if I am suffering intractably and unbearably. I stand by everyone's right to choose, this is just my personal benchmark. I hit that benchmark a while ago and my quality of life has only deteriorated since then.

If I were only mentally ill I might do the math differently. Though I think mental illness can cause intractable and unbearable suffering, and that is certainly true of me. I leave some room open for the possibility that in that case I would feel differently (though even before I was physically messed up I wanted to die, and my first attempt was at 6 years old). But the reality is that I also am in constant physical pain and discomfort, and mostly bedbound due to disability. My condition is only worsening over time and treatment hasn't helped. Treatment hasn't helped with either my mental illness or my physical disabilities and chronic illness. And I've put in more than my share of effort on both. Medically speaking, my conditions are refractory, I'm treatment resistant. Not for want of trying. It just doesn't work and I've tried all the options available to me.

I don't want to change my mind. I want to have irrevocably messed things up so that I feel like I have to. I've been held prisoner by an irrational will to live for too long. It mostly manifests as apathy, sand I won't sink back into the catatonia hole. This time I know what I'm doing. I did my research, I have the supplies I need. I could choose to go at any time. I plan to CTB on Sunday night. I've prepared everything except a couple of letters. I'm ready. Any anxiety I feel about it now I only have to swallow for a few more days then it's all over forever. No more me to suffer.

 

[IrRegularjoe]

Yes, because the suffering ends.

 

[Whale_bones]

I strongly relate to a lot of what you posted. Having the double whammy of intractable physical AND mental pain is horrific. Either one would be bad enough on its own, and I completely understand being at your limit when you've attempted treatments over and over just to be left with the daily suffering of multiple incurable disabilities. That's my situation too.

I do want to say that I don't think you're a burden because of your disabilities. I know it's easy to say that and hard to feel it, but most of our societies in this world put far, far too much emphasis on shallow signs of "success" like reaching career milestones or having a picture-perfect family. We have beyond enough stuck-up people in this world whose whole focus is on their outward achievements, what we need is more people who care for others and treat others well. In my opinion, your value lies in your character and how you express that to others, and if you don't cause harm to innocent people then you're not burdening this world.

Again, I know that's so much easier to say than to feel. I nearly always feel like a burden too, but logically I know that doesn't fit with what I've seen of the world. You totally have the right to say you've gone through enough suffering, but you don't have to punish yourself for crimes you haven't committed. Especially *because* you already go through daily physical and mental pain just by default, I hope you can be gentle with yourself. Even though it's a struggle when you've been dealt these cards. I'm trying to learn to do it myself.