is it my fault for being sexually abused?

[nothingnobody]

i had an extremely abusive home life i would come over to my cousins who was age 20 and i was 14 so i could have something to eat and air conditioning and no fighting and drugs and crime outside and i guess he took advantage of that. i still feel like its my fault because i started letting it happen on purpose. after he did it i would sit and not be able to talk for hours or move really. i didnt really know what to think, i would just sit around him all day and wait for him to touch me. i dont know why. i feel like its my fault because i let it happen. i keep talking to my mom about it and she blames it on me when i say that everyone let it happen because she knew that i would go over and initiate contact, or wait for him to do something to me when i was 14 and my mom thinks that this means it was my fault. i dont know why i started letting him do it or even initiate it even though he was my cousin.

my sister started telling everyone about it when she was mad at them so its been on my mind alot the past few months. should i even feel so bad or be thinking about it so much? 14 is not that young right? thats why i feel like it was my fault, because eventually i was old enough to realize it was wrong. im transgender and i dont know if im like this because i got abused or if its just a trauma response and im trying to split off from my self to cope with being hurt as a kid.

 

[borderline-feline]

You were 14. Regardless of whether or not you "let it happen", it's still sexual abuse. It's not your fault.

I can empathize with wondering if gender dysphoria is a trauma response. I had to get a lot of work done in therapy before I was convinced that I was trans. It's not something I can answer for you; all I can say is that I hope you find peace in life and/or death.

 

[nothingnobody]

You were 14. Regardless of whether or not you "let it happen", it's still sexual abuse. It's not your fault.

I can empathize with wondering if gender dysphoria is a trauma response. I had to get a lot of work done in therapy before I was convinced that I was trans. It's not something I can answer for you; all I can say is that I hope you find peace in life and/or death.

but i would come over and eventually wait for him to do something, or try to get him to do something, even though i didnt enjoy it and felt traumatized afterwards, for nearly an entire year. why did i do that?

 

[suicidal flapper]

Your mom is fucking horrific. No it was absolutely not your fault in any way shape or form

 

[nothingnobody]

Your mom is fucking horrific

my entire family is...

 

[undecided]

but i would come over and eventually wait for him to do something, or try to get him to do something, even though i didnt enjoy it and felt traumatized afterwards, for nearly an entire year. why did i do that?

You went to their house for food, warmth, air conditioning, no fighting, no abuse, no drugs, no crime... and this was the price you paid! You felt you owed them for 'saving you'. But you were still being abused.
Did you think the abuse from your cousin was 'better/less harmful' than the abuse you got at home?
Please be kind to yourself and KNOW that you weren't to blame in any way for seeking something better, but having to pay a price.

 

[nothingnobody]

You went to their house for food, warmth, air conditioning, no fighting, no abuse, no drugs, no crime... and this was the price you paid! You felt you owed them for 'saving you'. But you were still being abused.
Did you think the abuse from your cousin was 'better/less harmful' than the abuse you got at home?
Please be kind to yourself and KNOW that you weren't to blame in any way for seeking something better, but having to pay a price.

well, it started out that i would come over to get away from the hell that was my house, but then he started messing with me and i became attached to him. at first i didnt know what he was doing but then i just accepted it and even sought it out even though i hated it. i remember he even tried to apologize when i was 16, so obviously what he did wasnt right, but i also let him do it and i hate myself for it especially because everyone knows. i dont know why no one tried to do anything about it even though it was so obvious, my entire personality and behavior changed. before i think i was relatively happy for what i had gone through already, afterwards i became a misanthrope who hates life.

 

[undecided]

well, it started out that i would come over to get away from the hell that was my house, but then he started messing with me and i became attached to him. at first i didnt know what he was doing but then i just accepted it and even sought it out even though i hated it. i remember he even tried to apologize when i was 16, so obviously what he did wasnt right, but i also let him do it and i hate myself for it especially because everyone knows. i dont know why no one tried to do anything about it even though it was so obvious, my entire personality and behavior changed. before i think i was relatively happy for what i had gone through already, afterwards i became a misanthrope who hates life.

You're probably suffering from CPTSD, due to the abuse you've suffered throughout your life... at home and with your DISGUSTING cousin. Please go to the police and report his peado ass, before he does the same to another innocent child, that's if he hasn't already. He's a disgusting piece of shit!

 

[nothingnobody]

You're probably suffering from CPTSD, due to the abuse you've suffered throughout your life... at home and with your DISGUSTING cousin. Please go to the police and report his peado ass, before he does the same to another innocent child, that's if he hasn't already. He's a disgusting piece of shit!

theres not much they can do in these cases where its years after it happened sadly.

 

[undecided]

theres not much they can do in these cases where its years after it happened sadly.

Of course there is! How old are you now? Historical abuse is pertinent to stopping the abuse of others@ Stop making excuses! He needs to be punished and stopped from abusing more children!

 

[UsagiDrop]

but i would come over and eventually wait for him to do something, or try to get him to do something, even though i didnt enjoy it and felt traumatized afterwards, for nearly an entire year. why did i do that?

As someone who stayed with their abusers and continued to let the assault happen, I wanna see if I can offer a perspective.

Everyone processes trauma differently. I think it's just as common to grow attached to an abuser as it is to resent and loathe them, especially when something happens to us at a young age. When I was in my nightmare, I was going over to a friend's house as an escape to my life at home. The first time it happened to me, I felt extreme guilt. I knew it was wrong. But I continued to go there, because I considered that to be only slightly better than what I was going through at home. My body was the price for peace. I never enjoyed it but my brain quickly pieced together that this was the case, so I endured it, or initiated it, to ensure I had some peace. I had two situations like this. Every time I left my house for the night, my body was used, but at least I had somewhere quiet to sleep. I think the same thing happened to you.

You were young, and already traumatized. The reality is that your cousin saw and knew that you were vulnerable, and then proceeded to condition you into accepting a pattern of behavior. You accepted that for no other reason than subconsciously registering that situation as better than whatever was happening at home; not because you wanted it, not because you needed it, and not because you are a bad person. You were still young and impressionable, and he's just a POS.

People will try to blame you for your abuse because they can't comprehend the situation you're in. Look at how many people blame victims for staying in a situation of domestic abuse, without considering all of the factors that would lead them to thinking staying is the best decision for them. Unfortunately in cases of rape, that black and white thinking does not go away.

So, to answer your question, no, it's not your fault that you were assaulted repeatedly. Whether you allowed it or not, the fact still remains that you were the minor and he was the adult, so it would have never been your fault in the first place. I understand the guilt that surrounds that. It's very hard to come to the realization that you are not the cause of someone else enacting problematic behavior onto you. I'm really sorry that this happened, that your family allowed it to happen, and that you were even blamed for it. But it's really not your fault; you reacted the only way that you knew how to at the time. I would call it a trauma response, tbh. Some of us fight, take flight, freeze, and unfortunately others of us are fawners. But whether or not you "allowed" or "initiated" this abuse, it doesn't change the fact that someone you trusted CHOSE to abuse you at a vulnerable time in your life.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

It's never the victim's fault.

I'm sorry you went through that.

 

[nothingnobody]

As someone who stayed with their abusers and continued to let the assault happen, I wanna see if I can offer a perspective.

Everyone processes trauma differently. I think it's just as common to grow attached to an abuser as it is to resent and loathe them, especially when something happens to us at a young age. When I was in my nightmare, I was going over to a friend's house as an escape to my life at home. The first time it happened to me, I felt extreme guilt. I knew it was wrong. But I continued to go there, because I considered that to be only slightly better than what I was going through at home. My body was the price for peace. I never enjoyed it but my brain quickly pieced together that this was the case, so I endured it, or initiated it, to ensure I had some peace. I had two situations like this. Every time I left my house for the night, my body was used, but at least I had somewhere quiet to sleep. I think the same thing happened to you.

You were young, and already traumatized. The reality is that your cousin saw and knew that you were vulnerable, and then proceeded to condition you into accepting a pattern of behavior. You accepted that for no other reason than subconsciously registering that situation as better than whatever was happening at home; not because you wanted it, not because you needed it, and not because you are a bad person. You were still young and impressionable, and he's just a POS.

People will try to blame you for your abuse because they can't comprehend the situation you're in. Look at how many people blame victims for staying in a situation of domestic abuse, without considering all of the factors that would lead them to thinking staying is the best decision for them. Unfortunately in cases of rape, that black and white thinking does not go away.

So, to answer your question, no, it's not your fault that you were assaulted repeatedly. Whether you allowed it or not, the fact still remains that you were the minor and he was the adult, so it would have never been your fault in the first place. I understand the guilt that surrounds that. It's very hard to come to the realization that you are not the cause of someone else enacting problematic behavior onto you. I'm really sorry that this happened, that your family allowed it to happen, and that you were even blamed for it. But it's really not your fault; you reacted the only way that you knew how to at the time. I would call it a trauma response, tbh. Some of us fight, take flight, freeze, and unfortunately others of us are fawners. But whether or not you "allowed" or "initiated" this abuse, it doesn't change the fact that someone you trusted CHOSE to abuse you at a vulnerable time in your life.

my mom was telling me about how he got me drunk one night with his friend, and i was screaming about how much i love him, and she used that as proof that its my fault. i dont know what to think about it because i can barely remember anything from that time period.

 

[dumbgirlonline]

i had an extremely abusive home life i would come over to my cousins who was age 20 and i was 14 so i could have something to eat and air conditioning and no fighting and drugs and crime outside and i guess he took advantage of that. i still feel like its my fault because i started letting it happen on purpose. after he did it i would sit and not be able to talk for hours or move really. i didnt really know what to think, i would just sit around him all day and wait for him to touch me. i dont know why. i feel like its my fault because i let it happen. i keep talking to my mom about it and she blames it on me when i say that everyone let it happen because she knew that i would go over and initiate contact, or wait for him to do something to me when i was 14 and my mom thinks that this means it was my fault. i dont know why i started letting him do it or even initiate it even though he was my cousin.

my sister started telling everyone about it when she was mad at them so its been on my mind alot the past few months. should i even feel so bad or be thinking about it so much? 14 is not that young right? thats why i feel like it was my fault, because eventually i was old enough to realize it was wrong. im transgender and i dont know if im like this because i got abused or if its just a trauma response and im trying to split off from my self to cope with being hurt as a kid.

It's funny how people will make us feel like we're responsible for being taken advantage of. It's never your fault. Though I wish there was more to say, over a decade later since my first time being assaulted and I still wonder what I could've done… but I was just a child too. I'm sorry you weren't protected.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Of course there is! How old are you now? Historical abuse is pertinent to stopping the abuse of others@ Stop making excuses! He needs to be punished and stopped from abusing more children!

I don't think pressuring OP when they're opening up and sharing vulnerable feelings is very helpful.

 

[window]

im so so sorry that happened to you my love. it is never your fault. you were scared and confused, trapped in the situation. your family seems absolutely awful and nothing they do should be justified.

 

[UsagiDrop]

i dont know what to think about it because i can barely remember anything from that time period.

Did he also get you drunk while you were a minor? You don't have to answer that question, but honestly, no matter what, people say so many crazy things when they're drunk. Some would say a drunk person speaks a sober mind or whatever the hell that saying is, but even going by that logic, even if you did say you love him, you were being abused by a person you trusted at a formative age. Beyond that, you are being blamed for it, and you had an abusive life at home. All of that had to have done something to you psychologically (and I'm not saying this in relation to your gender identity, but in relation to you taking the blame for these instances of abuse). It's possible to love our abusers— doesn't make what he did to you any less wrong, though.

I really think that the people in your life want to condition you into taking the blame for this. They have abused you in the past, so of course it is all your fault in their eyes. It would require them to take accountability and to empathize with you to admit that it wasn't your fault, and it seems that they are not willing to do that. I hope that you understand that you do not have to take the fall for what your cousin chose to do to you, and your response to his conditioning. Yes, you may have waited around for it or initiated, despite knowing it was wrong. But it's also true that fourteen is that young. You didn't have the power to do much else, especially in a family that doesn't believe you and didn't protect you. Realistically, is there anything you think you could have done about it at the time?

 

[abandonedwolfhound]

No man it's not. I was groomed and preyed upon after I was brought over to the apartments of a Pedophile (I later found out many years later he was on Megan's Law for something years before I met the guy) He gave me weed and drugs like Xanax and then gave me an 80mg green oxy at the age of only 16. Which made me sick as fuck, I was then incapacitated and had no other option but to lay in the guys bed which he proceeded to rape menot you fault at all