nohopeforethefuture
I deserve to die
- Nov 30, 2020
- 127
Someone does something that hurts me. People say you're supposed to talk about these things to grow. To communicate. There's also the saying that if you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole. I get hurt emotionally a lot. Like, on a weekly basis (I only see my close friend twice a week). At this point I feel like I'm the crazy one and he's not in the wrong at all.
I know our emotions aren't always right. So just because I get hurt by his unintentional actions doesnt mean I should be. Or that I should try to seek reparation of any kind. But if I do try to patch things up, its very one sided because I'm the only one upset. I feel like my friend should care more about how I feel. Its very hard for him to talk about and pinpoint emotions, so logically I understand he probably just really doesnt get it, but emotionally of course this solves nothing. It seems like he is not interested at all in trying to lessen fights (aka me getting upset at him). But if I say that to him, he just reiterates that he did/didnt do whatever I accused him of not/doing. That he was listening and being there for me. Implying I'm just making a big deal out of nothing because he's trying.
Unfortunately this is my only close friend, and my only friend who knows about my SI. He's promised to come to my first therapy appointment (if it ever happens), he's held me and hugged me and told me he doesnt want me to go. He's tried very hard to not make me upset. He tries to cheer me up when he can. But he still hurts me sometimes. And when he does he doesnt back down and it makes me so angry and hurt. He wont say if he's tired of my outbursts and he wont say if he's upset with me and he wont say if I hurt him and he wont apologize unless I make him for anything that hurts me. He gets over everything in a day. I never get over anything without some form of acknowledgement and ive told him this but it doesnt matter I guess. I dont know whats going on in his head.
I get upset so often, I cut him off and then come back. I cry and get angry and yell and delete conversations and stop doing the things we do together. I make plans to kill myself. And then I get sad and lonely and so I go back. Sometimes I think I just have Stockholm syndrome and he's just a sociopath who just says he cares but isn't emotionally invested in me at all. And sometimes I know he really does care, he's done so much to try and improve and change things, he's just not built a certain way emotionally so my expectations of him being reasonable are unreasonable. But other times I think that maybe it doesnt matter how much he tries because I am just infinitely offended by everything. He doesnt complain about anything but I know its just because he gets over it and not because I dont say or do hurtful things.
We are having another "fight" over something he did (or didnt do). He just defended his position. I'm mad. I'm hurt. I'm crying and at this point what do I even do. This is the billionth time. I would rather just die to stop the turmoil. I bought the first of 4 ingredients for SN today. He says he cares but I can't feel it at all and he doesnt seem to care about that either although he says he does. I want the fortitude to just cut him off so he doesnt have to deal with me anymore. I dont know if he's even capable of being who I need him to be. I'm probably just too overwhelming for him and he doesnt want to admit it so he keeps saying he can help me but he can't. He would deny that though.
Sorry this was so long. Tl;dr I fight with only friend on a weekly basis and I can't tell if its them or me and either way I still feel like shit. Help.
I know our emotions aren't always right. So just because I get hurt by his unintentional actions doesnt mean I should be. Or that I should try to seek reparation of any kind. But if I do try to patch things up, its very one sided because I'm the only one upset. I feel like my friend should care more about how I feel. Its very hard for him to talk about and pinpoint emotions, so logically I understand he probably just really doesnt get it, but emotionally of course this solves nothing. It seems like he is not interested at all in trying to lessen fights (aka me getting upset at him). But if I say that to him, he just reiterates that he did/didnt do whatever I accused him of not/doing. That he was listening and being there for me. Implying I'm just making a big deal out of nothing because he's trying.
Unfortunately this is my only close friend, and my only friend who knows about my SI. He's promised to come to my first therapy appointment (if it ever happens), he's held me and hugged me and told me he doesnt want me to go. He's tried very hard to not make me upset. He tries to cheer me up when he can. But he still hurts me sometimes. And when he does he doesnt back down and it makes me so angry and hurt. He wont say if he's tired of my outbursts and he wont say if he's upset with me and he wont say if I hurt him and he wont apologize unless I make him for anything that hurts me. He gets over everything in a day. I never get over anything without some form of acknowledgement and ive told him this but it doesnt matter I guess. I dont know whats going on in his head.
I get upset so often, I cut him off and then come back. I cry and get angry and yell and delete conversations and stop doing the things we do together. I make plans to kill myself. And then I get sad and lonely and so I go back. Sometimes I think I just have Stockholm syndrome and he's just a sociopath who just says he cares but isn't emotionally invested in me at all. And sometimes I know he really does care, he's done so much to try and improve and change things, he's just not built a certain way emotionally so my expectations of him being reasonable are unreasonable. But other times I think that maybe it doesnt matter how much he tries because I am just infinitely offended by everything. He doesnt complain about anything but I know its just because he gets over it and not because I dont say or do hurtful things.
We are having another "fight" over something he did (or didnt do). He just defended his position. I'm mad. I'm hurt. I'm crying and at this point what do I even do. This is the billionth time. I would rather just die to stop the turmoil. I bought the first of 4 ingredients for SN today. He says he cares but I can't feel it at all and he doesnt seem to care about that either although he says he does. I want the fortitude to just cut him off so he doesnt have to deal with me anymore. I dont know if he's even capable of being who I need him to be. I'm probably just too overwhelming for him and he doesnt want to admit it so he keeps saying he can help me but he can't. He would deny that though.
Sorry this was so long. Tl;dr I fight with only friend on a weekly basis and I can't tell if its them or me and either way I still feel like shit. Help.