KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,718
Lately I have been weighing the idea of living a bit longer against the idea of being fully committed to ctb.
My situation is quite complex because there are multiple factors at play here and every conventional solution has failed me thus far. So I would really need to think outside the box in terms of what I could do to make life more tolerable.
Firstly, I have many physical health problems that impede me greatly, and which there are really no treatments for. Besides that glaring issue, I also have severe ptsd, and autism, both of which are also quite disabling.
I am only 21 but have had over 10 years of therapy, with several different methods and a wide array of therapists in different locations, and I think therapy was only useless at best and damaging at its worst. CBT, mindfulness, breathing techniques, focusing on physical symptoms, meditation, journaling, hypnosis, exposure- none of these things helped. Many therapists admitted they could not help me because they had never seen such a complex case.
LSD and Mushrooms were things I also tried in the past, armed with an arsenal of books and guides on how to use these substances to process traumatic events and experiences. Results were minimal and in the case of two of these trips, ended up doing more harm than good, because I have found my body does not respond well to LSD.
Besides this, I have been on over 17 different medications, including all SSRIs, SNRIs, wellbutrin, multiple stimulants, prazosin, propranolol, mirtazapine, hydroxy zine, buspar, sometimes the med cocktails I was put on ended up turning me into an utter zombie and obliterated my functioning abilities. Not a pretty sight.
In addition to these drugs I have also tried pretty much every class of pain medication except for steroids. Lyrica, NSAIDs, medical grade marijuana, Kratom, cocodamol, etc, were a total bust and made me worse. Many vitamin regimines as well. Everything is pretty much a damned if you do damned if you don't situation when it comes to my health because there is typically some innervation effect where one condition gets worse due to medication.
All I take right now is over the counter pills for IBS and nothing else. There is pretty much nothing else pharmacology wise I can try for chronic fatigue, neuropathic pain, IBS, ptsd, and the likes, that would not have horrible side effects like steroids. Doctors are what caused a good chunk of my trauma due to sexual assault so I avoid them at all costs anyhow, and feel forced to self medicate if I was to want to try anything else.
With all this going on, you'd think I'd be able to catch a break in other aspects of my life, but that isn't the case. I am studying a very rigorous science degree in a rather difficult university. Dropping out or switching programs isn't an option, I have spoken to my uni about it. I am registered with the disabled students service at my university but the accommodations I get don't really change anything and fundamentally are not enough to really help.
Having autism has crippled me socially, and was exacerbated by the fact that I had several traumatic years of my life where I was locked inside and not allowed to go to school or socialise with other children for almost 2 years, as well as a period of time when I was in a Foster home and other teenagers at school tormented me relentlessly. My classmates at University do not really seem to like me because I am awkward and not well spoken.
Next year I am going to be living in an accommodation with other disabled students, but it doesn't change the fact that university makes me even more stressed and miserable. Being in such a state, I have to rely on my partner for a lot of things, as I have no family really, and barely any friends. I love my boyfriend even if he says mean things sometimes and refuses to understand why I don't exactly enjoy living.
I will likely never be able to have full time employment again due to my conditions. I cannot get benefits, it is forbidden. My goal was to live with my boyfriend and work part time so that I can contribute and be useful, because full time work is just not possible with all my disabilities. My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple years now, yet he does not want to be engaged for quite a long while, which is the only way we can live together in the future and the only way I will be able to work part time due to immigration rules.
I am pretty much at the mercy of others and it sucks. My life would be so much easier if I did not have to try to force myself to do things beyond my means, including university. I have accepted i will likely never recover from the majority of my conditions, however, the world doesn't really care how bad of a state I'm in, I'm expected to do what everyone else can in spite of it.
I feel very vunerable and scared. My boyfriend's family is kind to me and doesn't treat me badly like most people do, I appreciate it and wish I had this permanently, because I feel the only way I could ever make any strides towards wanting to live would be if I had a stable living environment like I have with him (most of the time) and not pure loneliness and isolation.
My condition seems to be worsening as I have developed Raynaud's and the circulation in my toes and legs is becoming quite poor, likely as a result of the fact that I cannot really exercise much. I tried for months to build endurance, but with CFS exercise actually makes you feel the opposite of invigorated and can actually make you worse. I try to walk a kilometer most days and I still feel bad.
I am scared to die but I am also scared of how much worse my life can get. I truly wanted to live but being disabled is making it seem like any modicum of relief is impossible.
My situation is quite complex because there are multiple factors at play here and every conventional solution has failed me thus far. So I would really need to think outside the box in terms of what I could do to make life more tolerable.
Firstly, I have many physical health problems that impede me greatly, and which there are really no treatments for. Besides that glaring issue, I also have severe ptsd, and autism, both of which are also quite disabling.
I am only 21 but have had over 10 years of therapy, with several different methods and a wide array of therapists in different locations, and I think therapy was only useless at best and damaging at its worst. CBT, mindfulness, breathing techniques, focusing on physical symptoms, meditation, journaling, hypnosis, exposure- none of these things helped. Many therapists admitted they could not help me because they had never seen such a complex case.
LSD and Mushrooms were things I also tried in the past, armed with an arsenal of books and guides on how to use these substances to process traumatic events and experiences. Results were minimal and in the case of two of these trips, ended up doing more harm than good, because I have found my body does not respond well to LSD.
Besides this, I have been on over 17 different medications, including all SSRIs, SNRIs, wellbutrin, multiple stimulants, prazosin, propranolol, mirtazapine, hydroxy zine, buspar, sometimes the med cocktails I was put on ended up turning me into an utter zombie and obliterated my functioning abilities. Not a pretty sight.
In addition to these drugs I have also tried pretty much every class of pain medication except for steroids. Lyrica, NSAIDs, medical grade marijuana, Kratom, cocodamol, etc, were a total bust and made me worse. Many vitamin regimines as well. Everything is pretty much a damned if you do damned if you don't situation when it comes to my health because there is typically some innervation effect where one condition gets worse due to medication.
All I take right now is over the counter pills for IBS and nothing else. There is pretty much nothing else pharmacology wise I can try for chronic fatigue, neuropathic pain, IBS, ptsd, and the likes, that would not have horrible side effects like steroids. Doctors are what caused a good chunk of my trauma due to sexual assault so I avoid them at all costs anyhow, and feel forced to self medicate if I was to want to try anything else.
With all this going on, you'd think I'd be able to catch a break in other aspects of my life, but that isn't the case. I am studying a very rigorous science degree in a rather difficult university. Dropping out or switching programs isn't an option, I have spoken to my uni about it. I am registered with the disabled students service at my university but the accommodations I get don't really change anything and fundamentally are not enough to really help.
Having autism has crippled me socially, and was exacerbated by the fact that I had several traumatic years of my life where I was locked inside and not allowed to go to school or socialise with other children for almost 2 years, as well as a period of time when I was in a Foster home and other teenagers at school tormented me relentlessly. My classmates at University do not really seem to like me because I am awkward and not well spoken.
Next year I am going to be living in an accommodation with other disabled students, but it doesn't change the fact that university makes me even more stressed and miserable. Being in such a state, I have to rely on my partner for a lot of things, as I have no family really, and barely any friends. I love my boyfriend even if he says mean things sometimes and refuses to understand why I don't exactly enjoy living.
I will likely never be able to have full time employment again due to my conditions. I cannot get benefits, it is forbidden. My goal was to live with my boyfriend and work part time so that I can contribute and be useful, because full time work is just not possible with all my disabilities. My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple years now, yet he does not want to be engaged for quite a long while, which is the only way we can live together in the future and the only way I will be able to work part time due to immigration rules.
I am pretty much at the mercy of others and it sucks. My life would be so much easier if I did not have to try to force myself to do things beyond my means, including university. I have accepted i will likely never recover from the majority of my conditions, however, the world doesn't really care how bad of a state I'm in, I'm expected to do what everyone else can in spite of it.
I feel very vunerable and scared. My boyfriend's family is kind to me and doesn't treat me badly like most people do, I appreciate it and wish I had this permanently, because I feel the only way I could ever make any strides towards wanting to live would be if I had a stable living environment like I have with him (most of the time) and not pure loneliness and isolation.
My condition seems to be worsening as I have developed Raynaud's and the circulation in my toes and legs is becoming quite poor, likely as a result of the fact that I cannot really exercise much. I tried for months to build endurance, but with CFS exercise actually makes you feel the opposite of invigorated and can actually make you worse. I try to walk a kilometer most days and I still feel bad.
I am scared to die but I am also scared of how much worse my life can get. I truly wanted to live but being disabled is making it seem like any modicum of relief is impossible.
