I'm sorry your are having such a tough time..your thoughts..what you wrote definitely sound like the "voices" of depression. As someone who struggles with suicidal ideations AND someone who has lost someone I loved deeply to suicide I can tell you that forgiving him for taking his life never entered my mind. I was angry about the situation, not at him. I didn't view his choice to end his life as selfish, I viewed it for what it was..desperation to end the pain/guilt/shame and all the other negative shit he felt for a very, very long time. I was, and am, angry, that he suffered as he did and felt suicide was the only out for him. BUT, I do wonder if he, would've been able to live a good life IF he had sought help, maybe medication/therapy (because yes, those do work for the majority of people) because that is one thing he did not do was seek help. So those of us who loved him and still love him wonder often if he had just reached out for help, would we still see his face? Hear is laugh? It would be a brighter world for us if we coud.
So I will say this to you, if you haven't reached out to for help, please do. Even if you don't feel you can tell your family or friends as it sounds like there are people who care for you, would miss you and trying to battle depression and all the other things knocking around in your head is too much for you right now. That is understandable. You are NOT selfish or digusting. You are hurting and your ability to cope is being challenged by your ability to manage your emotions right now. Thinks of a two sides scale, if the weight is too heavy on one side there is no balance, if the weight is basically even then the scales are perfectly aligned. Your emotions and misplaced anger at yourself is causing an imbalance. Please don't make a rash decision during this time.
I hope you will give yourself a chance. You deserve it.