Is it bad to ctb if you are the carer for an elderly sick parent?

[Groundhog_Day]

I've just ordered the charcoal and chimney starters, for my carbon monoxide tent plan. My worry is I won't be able to overcome SI, and the guilt of leaving my responsibility of caring for my mum.

My mum has kidney disease, and has broken a very small bone in her back. Therefore, I do the housework etc. My sister also lives with us, but she has some kind of narcissistic personality disorder, and my mum is terrified of being left with her. But I'm pretty sure that my older brother would step in, and make sure care is sorted out for my mum.

I have Marfan syndrome with leaky mechanical heart valves. I also have avoidant personality disorder, social anxiety and panic disorder. With being the full time carer and doing the housework, I've developed reactivated Epstein barr virus, with a constant red throat and fatigue. My sister says me and my mum are 'lumps of flesh and sodding laziness' and there is 'no point to me and I should top myself now'.

I did always plan to wait until my mum died, but I'm just feeling completely burnt out, and just want to rest now.

Am I being a jerk to my mum? Is anyone else in a similar situation, with someone depending on them?

 

[TessaMocha]

The problem is, no matter what you do, it's always gonna be "selfish," it's a huge stigma surrounding suicide and really sucks. There's never gonna be a good time for anything, but you have to take care of yourself first.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I was born to parents in their mid 30s who tried for children after their first miscarriage. The thing is this may be sweet from the outside, but in reality, my parents only married under the guise of tradition and religion and were not good parents, and once they had twin daughters, they weren't good parents and expected my value to be loyal to them because of my culture's belief that I should obey my parents and take care of them until old age, and they are now in their 60s, my mom had cataracts two years ago today, and she abused me badly and put me through a lot of emotional harm that I didn't care, but I did support them the best I could until they stole from me and had lots of expectations on me even after they ignored my cries for help. I'm saying this isn't a wrong narrative to be loving and appreciative of your parent even if it comes with a cost, but the point is, it can be very toxic especially when you are your own person. The fact is you weren't made to be born to take care of your parents or to give them your full time and attention despite having you. It makes you feel like more of a burden because you have to do way more despite being born with a life of your own like them. You aren't selfish alone but they, too, who pushes that on you and expect you to oblige to their judgements on you.

 

[Groundhog_Day]

I was born to parents in their mid 30s who tried for children after their first miscarriage. The thing is this may be sweet from the outside, but in reality, my parents only married under the guise of tradition and religion and were not good parents, and once they had twin daughters, they weren't good parents and expected my value to be loyal to them because of my culture's belief that I should obey my parents and take care of them until old age, and they are now in their 60s, my mom had cataracts two years ago today, and she abused me badly and put me through a lot of emotional harm that I didn't care, but I did support them the best I could until they stole from me and had lots of expectations on me even after they ignored my cries for help. I'm saying this isn't a wrong narrative to be loving and appreciative of your parent even if it comes with a cost, but the point is, it can be very toxic especially when you are your own person. The fact is you weren't made to be born to take care of your parents or to give them your full time and attention despite having you. It makes you feel like more of a burden because you have to do way more despite being born with a life of your own like them. You aren't selfish alone but they, too, who pushes that on you and expect you to oblige to their judgements on you.

I'm really sorry that your parents treated you like that. If my mum had been bad to me, I don't think I would feel too much guilt. The problem is my mum has always tried her best. She has avpd, and is a gentle person. She's terrified of being left with my sister. But, I'm just so physically and mentally burnt out, I don't think I can keep going. She could live on for another few years.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I'm really sorry that your parents treated you like that. If my mum had been bad to me, I don't think I would feel too much guilt. The problem is my mum has always tried her best. She has avpd, and is a gentle person. She's terrified of being left with my sister. But, I'm just so physically and mentally burnt out, I don't think I can keep going. She could live on for another few years.

Please do not worry about it ((:
And, Groundhog, your feelings are valid, and you know what, I had heard a story of my friend who brother in law had that fear with their own mom because of their sister's concern for where they'd place her mother-in-law, and she told me it was a battle but they opt into finding her a home she would feel safe in, and your mom deserves the best to equally know she'll be nurtured after you are left (of course don't tell her), but in any case relating to this, surprise her with a vacation away from your sister, but don't let her in on the fact you're tired. Ask her if she is interested in this home, but at the same time let her know your house can't support you anymore, and sadly, for any reason, you have to lie further if you are lying further into this with her not being aware you are mentally tired of living, and the worse part is people don't know it, but it hurts those who are around who have to suffer living in a corpse they didn't want to be in. That's my take on this.

Please know I am in full support of your choices, and know you are in a safe place if your CTB is active, and forgive me if I am not the best at speaking. (':

 

[Groundhog_Day]

Please do not worry about it ((:
And, Groundhog, your feelings are valid, and you know what, I had heard a story of my friend who brother in law had that fear with their own mom because of their sister's concern for where they'd place her mother-in-law, and she told me it was a battle but they opt into finding her a home she would feel safe in, and your mom deserves the best to equally know she'll be nurtured after you are left (of course don't tell her), but in any case relating to this, surprise her with a vacation away from your sister, but don't let her in on the fact you're tired. Ask her if she is interested in this home, but at the same time let her know your house can't support you anymore, and sadly, for any reason, you have to lie further if you are lying further into this with her not being aware you are mentally tired of living, and the worse part is people don't know it, but it hurts those who are around who have to suffer living in a corpse they didn't want to be in. That's my take on this.

Please know I am in full support of your choices, and know you are in a safe place if your CTB is active, and forgive me if I am not the best at speaking. (':

Thank you for your help. I have been telling my mum I don't think I can cope much longer, and I just want to get out of here. I know it's bad, but I didn't want it to come as a complete shock to her. She said I can't do that, as she doesn't want to be left alone with my sister, but I'm certain that my brother would help her and it will be ok.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Thank you for your help. I have been telling my mum I don't think I can cope much longer, and I just want to get out of here. I know it's bad, but I didn't want it to come as a complete shock to her. She said I can't do that, as she doesn't want to be left alone with my sister, but I'm certain that my brother would help her and it will be ok.

Ah, it's good you feel supported to share such feelings with your mom. That's a great feeling to have. Forgive me for saying to lie to her if that's not what you wanted to hear. And in any case, your brother should take responsibility for her, if YOU trust him well enough besides your sister. I think that helps breaks the ice more a bit, especially for him to govern her safety too, before she decides to accept another journey ahead of her when its time. ((:

You're welcome. I try my best. Y^Y

 

[needthebus]

What if you went on a vacation for a month and made arrangements so she could have care? That way something would be in place?

It sounds like you have a lot of medical problems, are a good person, and are just unhappy and exhausted. But it also sounds like it may be hard if you suddenly passed without there being a plan to care for her.

It's a hard situation either way and wishing the best for you, whatever that is.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I am in sort of a similar situation. I live with both my elderly parents and my father is the healthiest out of all of us so he does do quite a bit. I am an only child. My mother has had a shit load of health problems for years and now basically has terminal cancer. I am in caretaking mode and it's only going to grow as time goes by. I suck at it. I always knew I didn't want children and part of the reason was I am just too selfish and have no desire to take care of another being.

I truly don't know if I will ever try again to ctb. I've tried it's so scary and si is so strong. But I know I will always fantasize about it. You sound like you are literally getting sick from the situation and I can't imagine that on top of everything. I also feel burn out and know there are no easy solutions and no breaks because everything is just the same or worse when you would come back.

Does your mom have any idea you are suicidal? Does she show appreciation for all you do? That can make a big difference. I am lucky and that my mom is a very good kind person and she does tell me she appreciates me and all I do. But she also guilted me once About trying to kill myself since she knows and lamented What would she have done if she had lost me. That definitely gave me a guilt trip.

I will say that I kind of have to admit I have more of a purpose in my life right now then I have had my entire life. On the other hand, this has made me hate life even more as I have a front row seat to all the horrors of getting old and how anything can happen to any of us at any time to make us suffer.

It's such a difficult situation you're in and I really empathize. It must be somewhat comparable to the people here that have children and yet they want to ctb.
There is no right answer. I wish I could have actual advice to give you..

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation and your Mum's. Your sister sounds like a complete nightmare. I believe I grew up with a narcissist so, I think I can relate in some way. How old is your sister? Any chance she'll be leaving home soon?

Are you close to your brother? Does he know you want to CTB? I completely understand your concerns for your Mum but, also feeling like you can't cope much longer.

I suspect you'd experience a calmer state of mind if you felt assured your Mum would be safe and cared for. Are these things you could discuss with your brother? Including the problem of your sister and how to keep your Mum safe from her.

I'm curious about narcissists to be honest. I wonder about how the person I believe to be one in my family formed that way when others around them don't seem to be. Do you have any idea why your sister turned out that way? Sorry- off- topic- just curious really.

It's a very difficult situation though. My parents don't rely on me but I'm still holding on for my Dad's sake. I really don't know what will happen as they grow older though. Things are becoming harder for them now.

I suppose if I'm honest, it kind of annoys me that parents maybe have children with this in mind. Especially if they don't do all the parenting duties they maybe should have. My parents were actually mostly good although, they chose to move hundreds of miles away. But yeah, it's all just really difficult.

I don't think it's fair to expect you to live the life you are living but, I also understand the love and concern you have for your Mum. I hope you can get something resolved.

 

[Groundhog_Day]

But it also sounds like it may be hard if you suddenly passed without there being a plan to care for her.

Thanks for your kind message. I think it will be okay as my brother is a caring person, and I'm sure he will make sure my Mum's care is sorted. But I feel guilty as I know he will be upset, angry, and won't understand why I had to ctb.

Does your mom have any idea you are suicidal? Does she show appreciation for all you do? That can make a big difference.

Thanks for your message. It can just be helpful to know other people are in a similar situation, and understand what you are going through. I really hope things improve for you and your parents, but I know it's a tough situation.

I've been telling my mum that I'm very burnt out, and I want to get out of here. She's very religious, and my whole life has said suicide is a sin etc. She kind of appreciates my care, but when I talk about how burnt out I feel, she laughs and says that's most Mum's lives for you - housework and not being appreciated. I reply that most mum's probably don't have marfan syndrome, will usually have something to look forward to - day off/holiday etc, and don't have my sister to deal with.

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation and your Mum's. Your sister sounds like a complete nightmare. I believe I grew up with a narcissist so, I think I can relate in some way. How old is your sister? Any chance she'll be leaving home soon?

I'm curious about narcissists to be honest. I wonder about how the person I believe to be one in my family formed that way when others around them don't seem to be. Do you have any idea why your sister turned out that way? Sorry- off- topic- just curious really.

My sister is 2.5 years older than me, and isn't planning to move out. She gets all her laundry and housework done for her, whilst getting to be delusional and blame me and my mum for everything. She is addicted to sugar and carbohydrates, and spends all her money on chocolate and McDonald's etc delivered to the house. If she moved out, with increased expenses, she would have almost no money left over for her junk food addiction.

I just saw a video about personality disorders being a result of neglect in your early childhood. Our dad died from undiagnosed Marfan syndrome, when I was 4 and my sister was 7. Our mum, despite doing her best, isn't good with giving hugs, saying love you, or taking an active interest in our lives etc. due to her avpd and childhood trauma. Therefore, we were both probably emotionally neglected.

I guess it's a combination of the brain you have, and childhood neglect/abuse. My brain is like my mum's - naturally anxious and introverted, and with neglect avpd developed. My sister follows my Dad - extrovert and impulsive, and with neglect/trauma developed some narcissistic personality disorder.

This is all just my best guess, and could be way off the mark.

Are you close to your brother? Does he know you want to CTB? I completely understand your concerns for your Mum but, also feeling like you can't cope much longer.

I suspect you'd experience a calmer state of mind if you felt assured your Mum would be safe and cared for. Are these things you could discuss with your brother? Including the problem of your sister and how to keep your Mum safe from her.

I did tell my brother, but he couldn't really relate, and said I need to ring a professional for help. I haven't done this as I don't think the healthcare system is able to help me. I've read a lot of bad stories here from people who told their GP they are suicidal etc. But I'm certain my brother will take care of my Mum. I guess I just feel guilty as he already has a lot on his plate, and this will probably be a nightmare for him. He will be angry and upset about me doing it, and probably won't understand.

Thanks for very kind message. It's been helpful to feel like others can relate and empathize. I hope things go okay with your parents.