Discussion Is it a good idea for people like us to be in a relationship? #4

[MeltingBrain]

Title
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part of : https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...st-at-least-1-poll-daily.123125/#post-2051973
DailyPoll
#4
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[The anhedonic one]

No, not for me.
I'm clinically depressed and have bpd. I'm too clingy and needy, and insecure to be in a relationship. I also push people away out of fear of abandonment, so work that one out.
I'm an emotional fuck-up.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I think this question cannot be answered clearly because to many individual factors have to be taken into account here.

 

[outatime_85]

1) I do not think anyone would want any sort of relationship with me, be it friendship or otherwise, so I don't look for it.

2) Do I think I should be in a relationship? Probably not, as I have been alone for so long that I am not sure I know how to anymore. (Like they say, use it or lose it.)

That said.

I do not know if it is good or not.

I think it would depend on whether the person can find someone who is not judgmental, willing to see them as more than whatever their diagnosis is or the medication they take, and can see past whatever issues they are dealing with.

I think it would take someone who can honestly see value in the person—someone who is not just talking but willing to back it up by standing side by side, back to back, with that person.

With that out of the way, if one is looking to have such things in their own life, they may want to prioritize stability first, especially if they are still dealing with their own life struggles.

What I mean is that they have

1) Stabilize their situation as best they see fit, and make sure their partner is stable and brings no unwanted stressors (there will still be life's standard stressors that are unavoidable).

2) Be willing to have an honest talk with each other, be understanding of each other's current situation (be willing to ask hard questions: are you both in therapy? (is it working, do you need your partner to go with you?), taking your medications, managing your hygiene, eating healthy, exercising), and if the answer is no to one or two of your questions, are you still willing to be part of that? (There are probably many other questions.)

Basically, I think one would have to find a partner who has been down the road you have in their own way so as to have a mutual understanding.

Sorry if my post is stupid, wrong, incoherent, or too long.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Depends on the person. For some, it can give meaning, and for others it can make no difference or make matters worse.

 

[prone2fury]

this is a bit of a complicated question. on one hand, if literally anything or anyone makes your life any more enjoyable, you have every right to attach to that, no matter what your state of mind is. on the other hand, if you really do CTB, you're leaving behind someone who will grieve you. so, knowing that might force you to stick around and endure more suffering than you would have, had you just gone ahead and done it before you made that attachment at all.
in my own experience, i can say i personally am glad my girlfriend chose me. whether i die or not, she's made my waking moments so much nicer and i love her so much.
so i guess my point is, don't knock it til you try it, but you don't have to if you don't wanna. y'know?

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Can't answer because I'm not clear on the definition of "people like us". I guess the most obvious interpretation would be "suicidal people", but even then the category is so internally diverse that I don't think anyone could give a concrete answer. So, the best thing any individual could do is alter the question a bit and reframe it: "is it a good idea for people like me to be in a relationship?"

Personally, I can't say if it's a good or a bad idea. I suppose you could ask my ex-girlfriends, but I'm still on good terms with most of them so I hope they'd offer a charitable view of me as a partner. The suicidality, oddly enough, never played a role in any of the relationships I've been in. Not during, not in the aftermath. My reasons for considering suicide are in no way related to my experiences with the women I've been involved with, nor with those relationships ending. Only one ex even knows I've thought about suicide. She learned about it long after we broke up, and I made sure to clarify that it had nothing to do with our relationship or how it ended.

My last relationship ended a few years ago, around the start of the pandemic. The guy I was back then has very little to do with who I am now. In some weird way, I think the person I am these days would be a better partner than any of my previous iterations ever was but, at the same time, I've grown to like being on my own. A couple months ago I met a woman whom I find rather attractive, both physically and intellectually. I enjoy spending time with her, and I sometimes consider the possibility of pursuing her romantically, but at the same time I'm just trying to find my own rhythm in life. I think it would be rather insensitive on my part to pursue a relationship with her if I'm not in a "sharing" head space. I haven't made a decision one way or another, but I think I'll just keep to myself for now, until I'm willing to make the concessions necessary to establish and maintain a healthy relationship with another person.

TL;DR: It depends, I guess.

 

[MeltingBrain]

on one hand, if literally anything or anyone makes your life any more enjoyable, you have every right to attach to that, no matter what your state of mind is. on the other hand, if you really do CTB, you're leaving behind someone who will grieve you

Yes that's exactly the conundrum !

in my own experience, i can say i personally am glad my girlfriend chose me. whether i die or not, she's made my waking moments so much nicer and i love her so much. so i guess my point is, don't knock it til you try it, but you don't have to if you don't wanna. y'know?

Happy to hear that you have found a loving partner . If you don't mind me asking does se know about your mental state ? If yes how does she perceive it ?

Can't answer because I'm not clear on the definition of "people like us". I guess the most obvious interpretation would be "suicidal people", but even then the category is so internally diverse that I don't think anyone could give a concrete answer. So, the best thing any individual could do is alter the question a bit and reframe it: "is it a good idea for people like me to be in a relationship?"

Personally, I can't say if it's a good or a bad idea. I suppose you could ask my ex-girlfriends, but I'm still on good terms with most of them so I hope they'd offer a charitable view of me as a partner. The suicidality, oddly enough, never played a role in any of the relationships I've been in. Not during, not in the aftermath. My reasons for considering suicide are in no way related to my experiences with the women I've been involved with, nor with those relationships ending. Only one ex even knows I've thought about suicide. She learned about it long after we broke up, and I made sure to clarify that it had nothing to do with our relationship or how it ended.

My last relationship ended a few years ago, around the start of the pandemic. The guy I was back then has very little to do with who I am now. In some weird way, I think the person I am these days would be a better partner than any of my previous iterations ever was but, at the same time, I've grown to like being on my own. A couple months ago I met a woman whom I find rather attractive, both physically and intellectually. I enjoy spending time with her, and I sometimes consider the possibility of pursuing her romantically, but at the same time I'm just trying to find my own rhythm in life. I think it would be rather insensitive on my part to pursue a relationship with her if I'm not in a "sharing" head space. I haven't made a decision one way or another, but I think I'll just keep to myself for now, until I'm willing to make the concessions necessary to establish and maintain a healthy relationship with another person.

TL;DR: It depends, I guess.

There certainly is large diversity among the community but we do share some commonalities most notably a possible CTB in the future and generally being with a depressed person . Having said that I voted for unsure because of the reasons you stated , each case might be different.
What is your take on the impact it might leave on the other person if their partner CTB. That's the biggest concern of getting into a relationship.

Personally, I can't say if it's a good or a bad idea. I suppose you could ask my ex-girlfriends, but I'm still on good terms with most of them so I hope they'd offer a charitable view of me as a partner. The suicidality, oddly enough, never played a role in any of the relationships I've been in. Not during, not in the aftermath. My reasons for considering suicide are in no way related to my experiences with the women I've been involved with, nor with those relationships ending. Only one ex even knows I've thought about suicide. She learned about it long after we broke up, and I made sure to clarify that it had nothing to do with our relationship or how it ended.

My last relationship ended a few years ago, around the start of the pandemic. The guy I was back then has very little to do with who I am now. In some weird way, I think the person I am these days would be a better partner than any of my previous iterations ever was but, at the same time, I've grown to like being on my own. A couple months ago I met a woman whom I find rather attractive, both physically and intellectually. I enjoy spending time with her, and I sometimes consider the possibility of pursuing her romantically, but at the same time I'm just trying to find my own rhythm in life. I think it would be rather insensitive on my part to pursue a relationship with her if I'm not in a "sharing" head space. I haven't made a decision one way or another, but I think I'll just keep to myself for now, until I'm willing to make the concessions necessary to establish and maintain a healthy relationship with another person.

I am happy that you have been through many great relationships . Cheers .

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me- no. It wouldn't be fair- on either of us... I've always had ideation with a good chance I'll act on it one day. Unless of course all that fairytale stuff is true and we'd be living with rainbows day after day .

I think it more likely though that I'd CTB and leave them one day- or- I'd feel compelled to stay for them. That's bad enough already with my Dad. Nah- I think if CTB is a strong likelihood, it's kinder not to involve other people in our f*cked up lives. I can understand why people do it though if 'recovery' feels appealing.