Hi! I hope every1 here is doing okay. I know this might not be true, but I still hope for all of you. Anyways, I've been thinking of doing it for a long time. The first time I was having these thoughts was when I was 17 (I'm 21 rn btw). I prob had thousands of these thoughts and prob a hundred well detailed plans, but I never followed through any of them.
But this time is different. This time I really want to go through with it and be done with this miserable existance.
So I have a plan. I was thinking of doing it with drowning this time. Under the influence of Xanax. I have 30 (0.5 mg) xamax pills with me. My doc prescribed it 8 months ago for my Anxiety Disorder. It was a 2 months prescription, but I ended up buying and stockpiling a fair bit. Partially cus I was hooked on it, (It reduced my anxiety levels, especially when I was outdoors or when my anxiety was unbearable) and partially cus I knew this day would come. The dude at the counter didn't even question when I was buying like 4 months worth of these pills like bruh...
My Question is: Is drowning under the influence of Xanax a peaceful way to go? I'm not scared of the pain. Even if it's a lil bit painful, I would still go with it. But I don't want my last few moments in agony. I'm scared that if panic, I might not go through with it.
I've heard conflicting acounts of people saying if drowning is painful or not. I've heard from sumone that their experience of drowning was really peaceful. I won't go into details but if that's what drowning feels like then that's my choice. Xanax would help me feel less pain, cus I would be dipping in and out of consciousness. There's a man-made river/ canal ~100 km away from where I live. The canal is deep enough and fast enough to do the job (hopefully). I would do it in the middle of the night when most people would be eeping. I would spend sum time doing what I love, roaming around the countryside. Maybe spending sum time with nature. Then when night false, I will take 20 or so pills 20-25 minutes before doing it cus that's typically is when the effects takes place and I would hover over the bridge and jump off into the cold water below. Hopefully with the effects of xanax I would be less conscious and with cold river here in winter, my rate of surviving would be 0.
** Random vents, tl;dr: life miserable, pain pain pain, bad childhood, worst parents, no friends. **
Why am I doing this now? I just realized, no1 wants me in this world. So what's the point of it? I don't have any1 who cares bout me. My family hates me. They just like to control me, control where I'm going, control what I'm doing, controlling my future. I can't even go outside without asking for their permission. You know it's funny cus they were the reason I had such a shity childhood. My father is a narcissist peice of shit, who only cares bout himself, he would beat my mum, verbally abuses me. My mum is none better. I have no friends, the only friends that I had were from my high school. I have their contacts but you know how it is. We all have to move on. I'm not in high school anymore. I haven't seen them in a loooong time. I doubt they even remember me. I have a lot to say but I'm not here to vent. Just know that my life is miserable. And a few days ago, my mum (the only person I thought I had in this world) said face to face that I'm a burden to them
~sorry for long ass post. I'm just disoriented. I'm just not feeling well rn. and sorry bout the bad english. if sum1 here doesn't understand sumthing that I said, please feel free to ask me to rephrase it. I would be happy to do that!
But this time is different. This time I really want to go through with it and be done with this miserable existance.
So I have a plan. I was thinking of doing it with drowning this time. Under the influence of Xanax. I have 30 (0.5 mg) xamax pills with me. My doc prescribed it 8 months ago for my Anxiety Disorder. It was a 2 months prescription, but I ended up buying and stockpiling a fair bit. Partially cus I was hooked on it, (It reduced my anxiety levels, especially when I was outdoors or when my anxiety was unbearable) and partially cus I knew this day would come. The dude at the counter didn't even question when I was buying like 4 months worth of these pills like bruh...
My Question is: Is drowning under the influence of Xanax a peaceful way to go? I'm not scared of the pain. Even if it's a lil bit painful, I would still go with it. But I don't want my last few moments in agony. I'm scared that if panic, I might not go through with it.
I've heard conflicting acounts of people saying if drowning is painful or not. I've heard from sumone that their experience of drowning was really peaceful. I won't go into details but if that's what drowning feels like then that's my choice. Xanax would help me feel less pain, cus I would be dipping in and out of consciousness. There's a man-made river/ canal ~100 km away from where I live. The canal is deep enough and fast enough to do the job (hopefully). I would do it in the middle of the night when most people would be eeping. I would spend sum time doing what I love, roaming around the countryside. Maybe spending sum time with nature. Then when night false, I will take 20 or so pills 20-25 minutes before doing it cus that's typically is when the effects takes place and I would hover over the bridge and jump off into the cold water below. Hopefully with the effects of xanax I would be less conscious and with cold river here in winter, my rate of surviving would be 0.
** Random vents, tl;dr: life miserable, pain pain pain, bad childhood, worst parents, no friends. **
Why am I doing this now? I just realized, no1 wants me in this world. So what's the point of it? I don't have any1 who cares bout me. My family hates me. They just like to control me, control where I'm going, control what I'm doing, controlling my future. I can't even go outside without asking for their permission. You know it's funny cus they were the reason I had such a shity childhood. My father is a narcissist peice of shit, who only cares bout himself, he would beat my mum, verbally abuses me. My mum is none better. I have no friends, the only friends that I had were from my high school. I have their contacts but you know how it is. We all have to move on. I'm not in high school anymore. I haven't seen them in a loooong time. I doubt they even remember me. I have a lot to say but I'm not here to vent. Just know that my life is miserable. And a few days ago, my mum (the only person I thought I had in this world) said face to face that I'm a burden to them
~sorry for long ass post. I'm just disoriented. I'm just not feeling well rn. and sorry bout the bad english. if sum1 here doesn't understand sumthing that I said, please feel free to ask me to rephrase it. I would be happy to do that!
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. I remember not feeling any pain, like I was just trying to swim and all I remember was It was seeing how big the reflection of the sun was, like it was covering my whole view. But I was 11 at that time so it might be that the pain memory part fadded away over time.
