Venting Is being trans reason enough to ctb

[Black Rose Bunny]

Hi so I'm a 21 year old transgender girl (male to female.) I've been transitioning for like 2 years, with hormones and stuff. Pretty much all I've ever wanted my whole life was to be female, to the point where I'd rather ctb if I can't have that. Honestly though I don't really look like a girl, I look androgynous at best.. but I think people only really address me as she and her because I have boobs.

Honestly though it makes me really depressed, I wish I could at least look normal. I wish I could at least pretend I'm a real female.. I feel like everyone on some level sees me as a dude and it hurts really bad. I've had people tell me that I'm a guy, and I've had even my best friends strongly imply it.

I don't really see myself as a girl either, I don't see why anyone ever would see me as one.. I don't have the right organs and I never really will. And to me that matters a lot, like I can't have biological children, and I don't get periods either.. I can't even have normal sex because I don't even have a vagina.

Additionally though I've never really had a female childhood, and also therefor I have male socialization too. This bothers me a lot too, I feel like I was robbed of my childhood.. and even when I was little I wanted to die because of it. I never really tried in school because I figured I was just going to end up ctb anyways so what's the point. It makes it harder for me to relate to other women too though because I was raised Very differently.

I feel like I'm living a lie and I'm tired of it. I can't go on.

 

[HighwayToHell]

Additionally though I've never really had a female childhood, and also therefor I have male socialization too. This bothers me a lot too, I feel like I was robbed of my childhood.. and even when I was little I wanted to die because of it. I never really tried in school because I figured I was just going to end up ctb anyways so what's the point. It makes it harder for me to relate to other women too though because I was raised Very differently.

I feel like I'm living a lie and I'm tired of it. I can't go on.

I relate to it all. Especially the lost childhood aspect.
I'm FtM, so I'm in the same boat. The lost childhood part makes me extremely bitter. I wanted to be raised as a boy my entire childhood but my mother kept getting in the way.

People are horrid to transgender people, lurking in anti trans places online I saw people calling us all pedophiles for venting about our lost childhoods amongst other things.

There's a song by a person called 4lung, though they themselves have been rather problematic in terms of their actions as of late, they have made a song that I find useful with coping through the lost childhood aspect of transgenderism. It's called "Regression Song." I'd recommend giving it a listen.

I personally don't think there's "reason enough" to ctb. I actually read about a philosopher who killed himself because he'd contemplated life and found it pointless, so off he went.
You will have to think about what you're leaving behind though.

And yes I hate my socialization and body too. I want to be a natural male.

 

[MysticPerception]

Any reason is enough if it's hurting you to the point where you want to ctb and have no doubts about it in my opinion. It sucks that transitioning isn't a perfect thing yet and people refuse to accept someone for who they want to be and try to be rather than supposedly who they are on the outside. I also didn't really try in school after a certain point as it felt completely pointless knowing I was never going to accomplish anything and would probably just eventually ctb. At least you can be who you want to be here without being judged or told you're something else entirely. It doesn't help the physical aspect but it can help emotionally to a point to feel accepted finally for who you are rather than what people see you as.

 

[foreveryoung]

Like the buddha said, the current life is suffering. Many people are born with heredity illnesses, they don't choose who they want to be. I actually find myself lucky I was born into a rather wealthy family, but even looking at myself through the mirror i know its all a sham. I had to go through all kinds of accidents and diseases which could only be supported by my parents wealth. Im just a product of someones elses cry to feel relevant;. Its not worth fighting for this existence, instead you have to leave it all behind, you'll find a better existence in the after life. At least im sure of it after what i researched and read about it

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

I relate to it all. Especially the lost childhood aspect.
I'm FtM, so I'm in the same boat. The lost childhood part makes me extremely bitter. I wanted to be raised as a boy my entire childhood but my mother kept getting in the way.

People are horrid to transgender people, lurking in anti trans places online I saw people calling us all pedophiles for venting about our lost childhoods amongst other things.

There's a song by a person called 4lung, though they themselves have been rather problematic in terms of their actions as of late, they have made a song that I find useful with coping through the lost childhood aspect of transgenderism. It's called "Regression Song." I'd recommend giving it a listen.

I personally don't think there's "reason enough" to ctb. I actually read about a philosopher who killed himself because he'd contemplated life and found it pointless, so off he went.
You will have to think about what you're leaving behind though.

And yes I hate my socialization and body too. I want to be a natural male.

Yeah I would give anything to have had a female childhood. I knew ever since I was little but my mom was also pretty transphobic and was vocal about it, and my dad was way worse so I never said anything. I remember when I was little I thought I was possessed because I didn't think I should be having those thoughts as a boy.

but honestly I feel like in reality there is nothing that can be done to make me female. And I'm always going to suffer and be sad about my body, I find it disgusting and vile. But I can't do anything to change it..

and then on top of it theres mental health issues too, like my bipolar and my anxiety. I feel like life isn't really worth living, and maybe if I'm lucky I might be reincarnated as an actual girl

Any reason is enough if it's hurting you to the point where you want to ctb and have no doubts about it in my opinion. It sucks that transitioning isn't a perfect thing yet and people refuse to accept someone for who they want to be and try to be rather than supposedly who they are on the outside. I also didn't really try in school after a certain point as it felt completely pointless knowing I was never going to accomplish anything and would probably just eventually ctb. At least you can be who you want to be here without being judged or told you're something else entirely. It doesn't help the physical aspect but it can help emotionally to a point to feel accepted finally for who you are rather than what people see you as.

I feel like it's not so much that I doubt that this is what I want so much as it's really really scary dieing, no one has any idea what happens. And it can potentially be really really painful.. but also I feel guilty because I know it would devastate my family, and I don't even know how devastating it would be because I've never experienced anything close to losing your child. But I also feel trapped, like there isn't a better option, I don't want to have to live out an entire life time like this

 

[k75]

I'm not trans, so I can't say I completely know what you're going through, but I deeply relate to being trapped in a body that isn't aligned with the way know you're supposed to be and not being able to do anything about it. It's a hell that eats at you constantly, and people rarely understand. I'm so sorry.

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

I'm not trans, so I can't say I completely know what you're going through, but I deeply relate to being trapped in a body that isn't aligned with the way know you're supposed to be and not being able to do anything about it. It's a hell that eats at you constantly, and people rarely understand. I'm so sorry.

Yeah! And it's like every day you're constantly reminded of it too, like everywhere you look there's just normal people, who might not be perfectly happy with their bodies, but they're happy with them and they enjoy having them. I wish so badly I could just be normal, I feel like I'm a freak. I feel deformed. I know it can always be worse but I feel like I got so unlucky, like it is really rare for this to happen. I'm too embarrassed to even go outside anymore, I just lay in bed all day wishing things could be different, but I know they can't and I feel like I must die.

 

[ForeverDefective]

Yes its valid, I feel very similar, that I cant ever be what I want and life will just be unending torture.
I was completely shunned from the LGBT community for refusing all there PC mind control language and daring to call my suffering a "disease", now I just hide at home living in constant loneliness and disgust about my body.
Most of the "community" is just entitled people and perverts and everyone else just thinks you are one of those entitled perverts.
Have been suffering from this disease for 5 years , plan to catch the bus to Gensokyo soon.

 

[squirtsoda]

I really feel for you , I've had the pleasure of getting to know some trans people, all male to female, and they've told me similar stories in great depth. It's harder than you could put it in words. Some of them have managed to thrive with the same difficulties, some have struggled. In the grand scheme of things outside of the difficulties transitioning, your dilemma about CTB is much the same of any of us, all of us with so many different issues which few of us could mutually understand or feel. Everything is so complex and individual. I think my suggestion is stick around here, both in this side of the site and the recovery side of the site and see what you can relate to and look for support. It's gonna be a journey.

 

[faust]

I know it hurts so much when you cannot truly be whoever you want. Unfortunately there are some things that we cannot choose. Especially when we are deprived of our own childhood. If we were accepting ourselves while being teens and if we were raised as we deserved, we might not be lost right now, in the same boat somewhere in the ocean full of furious swells and painful losses. And we have only two options: to resist or to surrender while some things may remain unchanged. Although you are having tough times right now, please let me hug you and tell you that I hear your voice in the desert which is called life

 

[BooGirl]

It's probably one of the primary reasons I want to ctb. I just need to look down at myself for a reason.

 

[8yy8uiyhbij]

Hi so I'm a 21 year old transgender girl (male to female.) I've been transitioning for like 2 years, with hormones and stuff. Pretty much all I've ever wanted my whole life was to be female, to the point where I'd rather ctb if I can't have that. Honestly though I don't really look like a girl, I look androgynous at best.. but I think people only really address me as she and her because I have boobs.

Honestly though it makes me really depressed, I wish I could at least look normal. I wish I could at least pretend I'm a real female.. I feel like everyone on some level sees me as a dude and it hurts really bad. I've had people tell me that I'm a guy, and I've had even my best friends strongly imply it.

I don't really see myself as a girl either, I don't see why anyone ever would see me as one.. I don't have the right organs and I never really will. And to me that matters a lot, like I can't have biological children, and I don't get periods either.. I can't even have normal sex because I don't even have a vagina.

Additionally though I've never really had a female childhood, and also therefor I have male socialization too. This bothers me a lot too, I feel like I was robbed of my childhood.. and even when I was little I wanted to die because of it. I never really tried in school because I figured I was just going to end up ctb anyways so what's the point. It makes it harder for me to relate to other women too though because I was raised Very differently.

I feel like I'm living a lie and I'm tired of it. I can't go on.

I realised I was a girl when I was 6. I feel depressed with myself all the time I really hate the way I look, I share photos online for validation, I talk to random guys and all of it is boring because I regret everything as I tried to be a girl when I was so young and didn't know what it was and I was too embarrassed to say to my parents. It does get better, it really does, but at the same time I hate everything and I regret my past constantly. I can't think of anything to say after that but I respect you and appreciate your effort and decisions. PM me if you need support or just a modicum of advice because I am here.

 

[Ghost2211]

It must be awful to be one thing in your mind, and a different thing in the mirror. Self image is a common cause of suicide. I'm sorry to hear people around you are not respecting your gender enough to be more encouraging and supportive.

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

I realised I was a girl when I was 6. I feel depressed with myself all the time I really hate the way I look, I share photos online for validation, I talk to random guys and all of it is boring because I regret everything as I tried to be a girl when I was so young and didn't know what it was and I was too embarrassed to say to my parents. It does get better, it really does, but at the same time I hate everything and I regret my past constantly. I can't think of anything to say after that but I respect you and appreciate your effort and decisions. PM me if you need support or just a modicum of advice because I am here.

Thank you for that. I'm really scared of doing it and I'm sad that I have to hurt my family, but I don't see another option, I can't live like this. Thank you for reaching out, I don't think I can message yet though? Or I'm not sure how to

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

It depends on how successful is your transition.
You have to view yourself as a desired gender and pass to other people as that gender..
Honesty the former mostly derives from the latter.
This is why passing is incredibly important. When I started to pass I felt more and more free and comfortable with myself.
Unfortunately I had unsuccessful FFS surgery that made me less passing (or persive myself as less passing) and my quality of life plummeted. I constantly worry about my appearance and dysphoria tortures me every single moment when I am not distracted.
This is horrible way to live undoubtedly.
I was in a mental ward for 3.5 weeks after suicide attempt, felt a little but better there but when I got out I am at the square one because dysphoria can't be cured with drugs or therapy.
I don't know what to do.

 

[S1mpleme]

Hi so I'm a 21 year old transgender girl (male to female.) I've been transitioning for like 2 years, with hormones and stuff. Pretty much all I've ever wanted my whole life was to be female, to the point where I'd rather ctb if I can't have that. Honestly though I don't really look like a girl, I look androgynous at best.. but I think people only really address me as she and her because I have boobs.

Honestly though it makes me really depressed, I wish I could at least look normal. I wish I could at least pretend I'm a real female.. I feel like everyone on some level sees me as a dude and it hurts really bad. I've had people tell me that I'm a guy, and I've had even my best friends strongly imply it.

I don't really see myself as a girl either, I don't see why anyone ever would see me as one.. I don't have the right organs and I never really will. And to me that matters a lot, like I can't have biological children, and I don't get periods either.. I can't even have normal sex because I don't even have a vagina.

Additionally though I've never really had a female childhood, and also therefor I have male socialization too. This bothers me a lot too, I feel like I was robbed of my childhood.. and even when I was little I wanted to die because of it. I never really tried in school because I figured I was just going to end up ctb anyways so what's the point. It makes it harder for me to relate to other women too though because I was raised Very differently.

I feel like I'm living a lie and I'm tired of it. I can't go on.

If you're not like everyone, then nobody wants you. That's not your fault, just this life is sucks.

 

[RTD_365]

Hi so I'm a 21 year old transgender girl (male to female.) I've been transitioning for like 2 years, with hormones and stuff. Pretty much all I've ever wanted my whole life was to be female, to the point where I'd rather ctb if I can't have that. Honestly though I don't really look like a girl, I look androgynous at best.. but I think people only really address me as she and her because I have boobs.

Honestly though it makes me really depressed, I wish I could at least look normal. I wish I could at least pretend I'm a real female.. I feel like everyone on some level sees me as a dude and it hurts really bad. I've had people tell me that I'm a guy, and I've had even my best friends strongly imply it.

I don't really see myself as a girl either, I don't see why anyone ever would see me as one.. I don't have the right organs and I never really will. And to me that matters a lot, like I can't have biological children, and I don't get periods either.. I can't even have normal sex because I don't even have a vagina.

Additionally though I've never really had a female childhood, and also therefor I have male socialization too. This bothers me a lot too, I feel like I was robbed of my childhood.. and even when I was little I wanted to die because of it. I never really tried in school because I figured I was just going to end up ctb anyways so what's the point. It makes it harder for me to relate to other women too though because I was raised Very differently.

I feel like I'm living a lie and I'm tired of it. I can't go on.

Trans community is big now. There are many people going through what you are going through. You just have to find those communities and get support. In this day and age, I do not believe being trans is reason enough to CTB, but obviously, I am not you and I do not know how you feel. Also "looking normal" is subjective. If you are around trans people, you are normal. When I am around trans people, I am not normal. It is a difficult path, but many are walking it and are living happy rewarding lives.

 

[S1mpleme]

Trans community is big now. There are many people going through what you are going through. You just have to find those communities and get support. In this day and age, I do not believe being trans is reason enough to CTB, but obviously, I am not you and I do not know how you feel. Also "looking normal" is subjective. If you are around trans people, you are normal. When I am around trans people, I am not normal. It is a difficult path, but many are walking it and are living happy rewarding lives.

Excuse me but that's bullshit. Even for a regular guy or girl to find someone is extremely hard, especially as you wrote in this day and age. Everyone is ignoring, nobody cares about you. All those communities sucks. Doesn't matter who are are but nobody wants. Being transgender in our world is hard, needs to be made from iron to handle this fucking life.

 

[RTD_365]

Excuse me but that's bullshit. Even for a regular guy or girl to find someone is extremely hard, especially as you wrote in this day and age. Everyone is ignoring, nobody cares about you. All those communities sucks. Doesn't matter who are are but nobody wants. Being transgender in our world is hard, needs to be made from iron to handle this fucking life.

Sorry for offending you. I can only speak from my personal experience. I know 2 trans people at my univerisity. One of them is in a relationship. The other, I don't know so well, but she (male to female) is very popular and well-know for hosting amazing parties which are attended by everyone. I guess it depends on a persons personality.

 

[S1mpleme]

Sorry for offending you. I can only speak from my personal experience. I know 2 trans people at my univerisity. One of them is in a relationship. The other, I don't know so well, but she (male to female) is very popular and well-know for hosting amazing parties which are attended by everyone. I guess it depends on a persons personality.

That's fine, I just wanted to share my opinion based on my life experience. Everyone has it's own circumstances, but in general there is no one for you when you really need. I'm saying everyone, but in most cases people are just selfish.

 

[RTD_365]

That's fine, I just wanted to share my opinion based on my life experience. Everyone has it's own circumstances, but in general there is no one for you when you really need. I'm saying everyone, but in most cases people are just selfish.

I really felt this.

At least we are all here for each other I guess.

 

[Emily123]

hi Wumbo . I am also a trans girl . I can understand your feelings very well . You are still very young and there are more options that you have in your transition . Hormones are great but for most of the girls it is not enough . You can consider doing some surgeries in any part of your body which bothers you . There are many things that we can not change in our lives but we can accept it as a reality . you can not get pragnent but you can always adopt a baby . Unfortunatly we all lost some parts of our lives but we are still alive and there are many things that we can do for future . We are not cis girls but we can even look better than cis girls if we work on our bodies (Please look for ome trans models . They look great) . And please dont kill yourself . We are angels in the world and this world need our courge and freedom and honestly . Any trans girl and boy that I saw were very lovely people

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

hi Wumbo . I am also a trans girl . I can understand your feelings very well . You are still very young and there are more options that you have in your transition . Hormones are great but for most of the girls it is not enough . You can consider doing some surgeries in any part of your body which bothers you . There are many things that we can not change in our lives but we can accept it as a reality . you can not get pragnent but you can always adopt a baby . Unfortunatly we all lost some parts of our lives but we are still alive and there are many things that we can do for future . We are not cis girls but we can even look better than cis girls if we work on our bodies (Please look for ome trans models . They look great) . And please dont kill yourself . We are angels in the world and this world need our courge and freedom and honestly . Any trans girl and boy that I saw were very lovely people

Honestly I think I'm pretty screwed.. Hormones really don't go that far, and I'll never have enough money for surgery, and even if I did I've heard so many stories on here about people having messed up surgeries that make their lives worse, and I feel like since I don't have any money, if I were able to afford a surgery it's likely that will be the case for me. Really though there are a lot of things surgery can't fix either like my height. I feel like I'll never be a real woman.

Honestly though on top of that so many people find the transgender community as disgusting and horrific. And even people who are "supportive" will say things that hint how they actually feel about transgender people, (e.g. "you look so pretty I thought you were a real girl" or like "dang she looks so good as a girl, she looks better than me and I'm an actual girl!") So many people see us as disgusting and delusional and that we just need help but they don't realize that the only help there is is to transition, which isn't realistic for most of us.

Really though what matters the most is I can't see myself as an actual girl, I feel like I'm just playing pretend. I don't want to be alive, I don't want to live like this.

On top of that though I have other problems in my life like my bipolar, and my anxiety and my depression. I don't have any friends, I've never had any friends, I'm always going to be alone. I don't want to live like this

 

[Emily123]

Honestly I think I'm pretty screwed.. Hormones really don't go that far, and I'll never have enough money for surgery, and even if I did I've heard so many stories on here about people having messed up surgeries that make their lives worse, and I feel like since I don't have any money, if I were able to afford a surgery it's likely that will be the case for me. Really though there are a lot of things surgery can't fix either like my height. I feel like I'll never be a real woman.

Honestly though on top of that so many people find the transgender community as disgusting and horrific. And even people who are "supportive" will say things that hint how they actually feel about transgender people, (e.g. "you look so pretty I thought you were a real girl" or like "dang she looks so good as a girl, she looks better than me and I'm an actual girl!") So many people see us as disgusting and delusional and that we just need help but they don't realize that the only help there is is to transition, which isn't realistic for most of us.

Really though what matters the most is I can't see myself as an actual girl, I feel like I'm just playing pretend. I don't want to be alive, I don't want to live like this.

On top of that though I have other problems in my life like my bipolar, and my anxiety and my depression. I don't have any friends, I've never had any friends, I'm always going to be alone. I don't want to live like this

You can get a good result from FFS if you go to a good doctor . I had two botched FFS surgeries because I selected bad surgeons . You are still young . Even if you don't have money now , it does not mean that it will be like this for ever . You still have many oppurtunities to save money for you surgeries. You can also find good affordable surgeons overseas(If you are intested , Send me a message. I will tell you how to find a good affordable FFS surgeon) . I agree with you that some of them are disgusting . I saw many people that they look terrible but they see themselves as super models . These people usually have the same opinion about other people . But you are the best person who can say how your appearance is . If you are not happy about it , it is not good . it does not matter waht others say . You need to find a solution for it ( Surgery or less aggresive solutions) . I don't have many freinds too .You will not be comfortable with yourself to be with other people as long as you have a strong dysphoria . Lets think about it how you can make it better

 

[Pan]

Hi. I have a trans friend with whom I am very close. She loves me because I am good ar camp. My so called effeminate mannerisms come naturally to me, but I never even considered being anything other than what I am—namely, a man. That is actually more shocking to some folks; they somehow think that I would be more believable if I had the change. Why not just be yourself? Why buy into hollywooden ideas of femininity? That's what I always liked about Warhol superstar holly Woodlawn; she would flip from man to girl and back again. In between, she lit up the room.