is anyone suicidal because of trauma? tw

[starleaf]

So I kind of can't believe I am posting here. I actually used to post on the Sanctioned Suicide subreddit before it was banned. I guess I will put trigger warning for all kinds of trauma.

So like I always thought I was crazy, but then I remembered being raped/molested by a doctor really young and then literally my whole life made sense. So like I remember it starting and I didn't know what was going on but how bad it felt... it felt like my soul was going to be annihilated, and then from that I knew on some fundamental level what was happening even if I was too young to understand, so I screamed at the doctor because I knew it was that or I'd be annihilated. He got scared and pulled away and then someone came and took me away. So I survived but I never recovered fully.

So like then I get bullied a fuck load in school, and in therapy my therapist recognized that I experienced neglect growing up by my parents, even if they are 'nice' and have good jobs, so I guess there is that too. Then in my late teens I am targeted by someone involved in Satanic Ritual Abuse. My story is different than most people who have experienced it, but it was fucked up and I am confused and don't understand fully what happened to me, but it was beyond devastating. After like 10 years I was able to finally get away after attempted murder, after un-brainwashing myself.. which took years. I genuinely almost didn't make it and it's a literal miracle I am alive... but I hurt... really bad. No one believes me.... I had a best friend but we are no longer friends and I realized she was too much in her own traumas to ever be able to take me seriously ...just how it is. I feel so fragmented, it's scary. I am scared... but I have no one and I feel like my whole life is a lie based on just like, no one believing me. I am in an online support group for ritual abuse but I don't feel I belong there either much of the time. A lot of it is about trafficking and I was not trafficked. My former best friend is a mess, all over the place... people notice her and believe her and want to help. When I am honest people check out or treat me like I am lying because I am not a mess or all over the place, I am not noticeable. After my abuser tried to kill me I reached out to someone I thought would believe and help me but they didn't believe me... One person believed me and did help me but then used that to try to take advantage of me. I feel like because I survived so much and had spiritual experiences that helped me survive I shouldn't feel suicidal but I do. I feel like I have gone back in time but I know it's because I am so fragmented... but it's scary.

 

[Weakling666]

Suicidal is common for your situation. Can't imagine being pushed thus far and surviving this long. Im proud of you.

 

[c824767]

No one believes me either. I hate it when they deny me a voice. They deny us a voice! They are quagmired in fake optimism and do not want our voices to destroy their little delusions.

 

[starleaf]

Suicidal is common for your situation. Can't imagine being pushed thus far and surviving this long. Im proud of you.

no one has ever said something like this to me before. thank you so much

No one believes me either. I hate it when they deny me a voice. They deny us a voice! They are quagmired in fake optimism and do not want our voices to destroy their little delusions.

I totally agree. I am so so sorry too. I believe you.

 

[Ark]

I am so sorry you endured such horrific atrocities. Your strength is amazing to be here and share your story with us.

There is nothing wrong with how you feel after all you have been through. Myself and many others here are always willing to talk and support you.

I believe you, and I am sorry for what you have been through. No one deserves that.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

Dear OP, you are valid and loved, I just want you to know that.
I'm sorry for everything you've been through. No wonder you ended up on here.
I really wish that one day, those people get some nasty karmic punishment.
We are here for you no matter what you decide.❤

 

[starleaf]

I am so sorry you endured such horrific atrocities. Your strength is amazing to be here and share your story with us.

There is nothing wrong with how you feel after all you have been through. Myself and many others here are always willing to talk and support you.

I believe you, and I am sorry for what you have been through. No one deserves that.

Thank you so very much for such understanding and empathy. I am grateful I came here.

Dear OP, you are valid and loved, I just want you to know that.
I'm sorry for everything you've been through. No wonder you ended up on here.
I really wish that one day, those people get some nasty karmic punishment.
We are here for you no matter what you decide.❤

Thank you so much for your reply. I believe in the end we face the truth of all our actions both good and bad. I am grateful for your response <3

 

[Moonicide]

I'm so sorry, love. What happened to you is absolutely terrible and downright heartbreaking... No wonder why you're in so much pain. My heart goes out to you. You are valid, your emotions and experiences are valid and very much real. I believe you. We believe you. You have a voice and you have been heard by all of us. Just know you always have a little safe place here and you won't be judged. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I am so sorry for what happened, I know what it is like for no one to believe you about trauma, I opened up about mine and everyone told me I had made it up and was being an attention seeker, I was physically hurt by someone and also witnessed someone else be sexually abused. One of my suicide attempts was because I finally took the courage to talk to someone about it and they said I was breaking up the family. So I thought if the people I am meant to trust doesn't believe me, then who will. However my new therapist believes me and it feels fucking great!!

 

[starleaf]

I'm so sorry, love. What happened to you is absolutely terrible and downright heartbreaking... No wonder why you're in so much pain. My heart goes out to you. You are valid, your emotions and experiences are valid and very much real. I believe you. We believe you. You have a voice and you have been heard by all of us. Just know you always have a little safe place here and you won't be judged. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Thank you so much, this means a lot to me. It is hard because I feel like I survived so much... like it's a literal miracle that I am alive, and yet it feels like when it comes down to it my life means nothing to the people I have been closest to. Like despite surviving so much literally no one cares. I have had spiritual experiences and I know that on that level there are beings who care... but I am still human and I still feel the lack of human connection and empathy. I feel like I am supposed to be understanding when people treat me like shit, and I have been.... but even if I care no one cares. I don't see the point of living anymore except I feel that on a spiritual level I am not meant to die yet... I just say this because of my own personal spiritual experiences. I was left with a dog that my former friend got but couldn't care for. I have to rehome him now because she chose to move really far away and cant help me with him like she said she would. I met with some people who help rehome and rehabilitate dogs. They truly are kind and amazing people. They actually do horse therapy for ptsd, they work with war veterans. I mentioned that I have to rehome my dog because if my abuser finds me and I can't leave I will be in trouble. I mentioned my abuser tried to kill me. They said nothing... just went back to the dog. I am so tired. Literally no one cares. I tried to explain things to a guy I have known for nearly a decade, we are in a relationship sort of too, but its long distance. Just explaining why I need to rehome my dog. I tried to explain what ritual abuse is ... but the conversation got changed really quickly to the dog again. I know he didn't do this on purpose and its an unconscious thing people do because they sense the trauma and feel overwhelmed... but I am so alone. Like why shouldn't I kill myself if I will never be able to feel close to anyone? My friend who left, who was my best friend, took some of my things, stole from me... and I still tried to be understanding. I broke down because I felt I would never be able to trust anyone and that is when I bought a suicide method. Sorry if this is ranty I am just super overwhelmed... no one cares and people lie... if people dont care why can't they be honest?

I am so sorry for what happened, I know what it is like for no one to believe you about trauma, I opened up about mine and everyone told me I had made it up and was being an attention seeker, I was physically hurt by someone and also witnessed someone else be sexually abused. One of my suicide attempts was because I finally took the courage to talk to someone about it and they said I was breaking up the family. So I thought if the people I am meant to trust doesn't believe me, then who will. However my new therapist believes me and it feels fucking great!!

I am so so sorry your family treated you that way, and I am so so sorry no one believed you. I am also so so sorry you were abused in those ways. I am really proud of you for making it this far and finding a therapist who believes you. Thank you for your message too

 

[realjunes]

Starleaf,
Thank you for your incredible post. People living regular lives don't believe you, because what has happened to you IS unbelievable, in the sense how can people be so cruel, evil, and vicious to do to another human being what they have done to you.
But it is important that you told us some about you and your life because here you have so many who do believe you either because they have experienced some of the terrible things you have, or because they are incredibly compassionate and open people, who accept you and your life and your pain without doubting and with love.
As for your experiences, I am so sorry and wish I could come up with some healing phrase for you, but I don't have the words or experiences to do so. Years ago, though, I heard someone trying to explain the life another had that was unbearable and unimaginable, and they quoted John Steinbeck, who said. "There are some among us who live in rooms of experience we can never enter". I can see you are among those.
I personally thank you for being here with us, and I know you can receive heartfelt responses from SS members, as evidenced already by those who have posted here. I hope to see more of you and hope we have opened the door of love and caring to you, at least some.

 

[EmptyArms]

I believe you. ❤

 

[starleaf]

Starleaf,
Thank you for your incredible post. People living regular lives don't believe you, because what has happened to you IS unbelievable, in the sense how can people be so cruel, evil, and vicious to do to another human being what they have done to you.
But it is important that you told us some about you and your life because here you have so many who do believe you either because they have experienced some of the terrible things you have, or because they are incredibly compassionate and open people, who accept you and your life and your pain without doubting and with love.
As for your experiences, I am so sorry and wish I could come up with some healing phrase for you, but I don't have the words or experiences to do so. Years ago, though, I heard someone trying to explain the life another had that was unbearable and unimaginable, and they quoted John Steinbeck, who said. "There are some among us who live in rooms of experience we can never enter". I can see you are among those.
I personally thank you for being here with us, and I know you can receive heartfelt responses from SS members, as evidenced already by those who have posted here. I hope to see more of you and hope we have opened the door of love and caring to you, at least some.

Hi thank you so much, this means so much to me... I am so grateful I came here, I feel seen for the first time in my life. Your message brought me relief. I realize more now that maybe those of us who want to die and face that pain and fear so clearly are not afraid of reality in the way most are, most cope by living in bubbles of denial. Thank you

I believe you. ❤

Thank You <3