is anyone else past the point of expressing themselves?

[murdersuicide]

if something pushes me to the verge of mental breakdown, i refuse to speak out on it. not out of shame or the fact that i have no one to talk to (unfortunately true ), but from the sheer futility of doing so. i haven't spoken to anyone irl in almost 2 years and still don't feel the need to, even though i feel unbearably lonely.

my mum screaming at me that im useless and wishing death on me? still won't get an external reaction out of me.

i sometimes log into here and yearn to ventpost on and on about my vain existence and treat the site like the notes app, but deep down i know it'll ultimately all be pointless. there's no solace, not even worth the attempt.

im struggling to think of what to even write for this post tbh, the fleeting urge to explode spurred me to seek relatability from the sasu citizens. but now im just overwhelmingly uninterested in expressing my thoughts. it's not like i even adopt a stoic or fully nihilistic doomer mindset, or that im trying to be nonchalant. im simply not sure why i struggle so much to care. maybe i've just ascended to greater lifeform hoor paar kraat xD honestly speaking, it's not like i wanna to be like this, but it's the only way i can ever feel safe. i wont lie and say i don't feel suffiocatingly burdened, but ig that does help alleviate the fear of ctb so i cant complain too much :)

does anyone else relate?

 

[tookalongvacation]

Wow yes. I feel so burnt out with trying so hard to find reasons to carry on that I genuinely do not care what happens anymore. I vent in ways sometimes, through the notes app on my phone, my notebook, to myself etc but I do not care to moan about things anymore.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I do not express my deepest thoughts to anyone in the real world; partially because I am not that close to anybody else to feel comfortable enough to do it, but also it is likely that nobody would understand anyway. I only express my suicidal thoughts, and any relating frustrations, to users on this forum. Even when I do express myself on this forum it becomes increasingly exhausting, but it never used to; hopefully it will stop feeling so tiresome.