Venting Is anyone else just mentally unable to even consider improving?

[coolgal82]

Whenever i try to like hink of becomng better/being a beter person/etc my brain instantly just shuts it down like "no you are objectively bad and broken and unfixable and the only solution to protect others is for you to die" like even as much as i would love to get better somehow and improve myself and stop hurting people my brain is just like unable to comprehend that as a possibility, like it's not that i just don't know how to it's just that my brain has already decided and locked in on the fact that i will just never get better and actively prevents me from thinking anything to the contrary (mostly? depending on the mood im in sometimes its more just "i can but idk how to" or like "nah it isnt even an issue lmao i'll be fine from here on out" or similar stuff idk? its hard to describe. i might be getting this completely wrong i genuinely have no idea how my brain works or who i am lmao which makes this stuff really hard)

Does anyone else feel like this?

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me, it's more like a sequence of logical choices. As in: What would make my life better? Probably if I'd done better in my career. If I had a more balanced life. If I had more friendships and more shared experiences in life. What's stopping me doing that? A large issue is social anxiety and a crushing lack of confidence around other people. What do I need to do to get over that? Possibly therapy but more likely, it will involve gradual exposure to the things that terrify me the most. And really plain and simply- I'm not willing to put myself through that again. I know from experience that in the short term at least, it will likely end up making me feel a whole lot worse! I'm not willing to do that for something that may not even work and may not even make much difference if it does work! So, it's not exactly a 'can't', more like a 'won't' for me.