Venting is anyone else just catching the bus while they're still young so they don't have to later?

[charlottewilts]

what the title says. i dropped out of university last year because i have no motivation anymore. i don't feel like working in retail or similar jobs for the rest of my life... i'm 20 now and i would've caught the bus much, much earlier but i didn't know about SN before

 

[NeCkDeEp]

Same here! I'm 20 years old as well and in all honesty: there's no point for me to stay alive because I keep relapsing in suicidal thoughts, it just seems like that my life is supposed to be ended by ctb.

 

[forever21]

I'm 21 and had suicidal thoughts for about 10 years. I don't see the point of waiting another 10, 20,.. years to ctb because I know that's how my life will end.
I will just become more miserable, because it will be more obvious to me that I cannot build friendships, a relationship, a family and a career while my peers are going to do it.
I would see people who managed to achieve what I ever dreamed about and it will just show that my self reflection is true.
I am simply an antisocial person: boring, unable to communicate and also cannot think straight as I have anxiety.

 

[Sensei]

Shit, I shouldn't say this, but I'm bipolar and impulsive. It f**king breaks my heart that you want to go at such a young age. I don't know your life situation. Maybe your pain really is impossible to bear and maybe this is your only way to escape it. I don't know. I just hope that you have exhausted all your alternatives and thought it through as thoroughly as you possibly can. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you good luck.

 

[charlottewilts]

Shit, I shouldn't say this, but I'm bipolar and impulsive. It f**king breaks my heart that you want to go at such a young age. I don't know your life situation. Maybe your pain really is impossible to bear and maybe this is your only way to escape it. I don't know. I just hope that you have exhausted all your alternatives and thought it through as thoroughly as you possibly can. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you good luck.

thank you kindly, Sensei (doesn't that mean teacher in Japanese? hehe) i am also impulsive, but i'm borderline. sadly, i've been plagued by suicidal thoughts for a long, long time. i would've ended it impulsively if i had had the means to do so. worry not, i have truly tried all i could've to try to get better. i hope you have too, and i'm sorry you're on this forum as well. sending you love

 

[OrdinaryDay]

I started my first year of college this year. I did it because I thought it will give me a temporary purpose and perhaps I would be able to forget about suicide for a while. But apparently it made me feel even worse. Within a very short period of time I realized that it is not going to change anything and it only made it feel worse about life so I'm considering to quit college this month. What then? I have no idea but hopefully I will be able to finish building up the unnecessary courage to commit suicide and end this misery once and for all. F*ck.

 

[Squiddy]

21 here and I'm considering it as I feel there's no hope for me between this mental illness and feeling incompetent

 

[charlottewilts]

I started my first year of college this year. I did it because I thought it will give me a temporary purpose and perhaps I would be able to forget about suicide for a while. But apparently it made me feel even worse. Within a very short period of time I realized that it is not going to change anything and it only made it feel worse about life so I'm considering to quit college this month. What then? I have no idea but hopefully I will be able to finish building up the unnecessary courage to commit suicide and end this misery once and for all. F*ck.

oh dear, i was in the exact same position... i really thought university would help me find a purpose. if i may suggest... have you connected with any of your peers? is the course you're attending interesting to you? i don't know what country you're in but usually, around this time, you would've received the marks of your very first exams... even if you didn't do well on those, i'm positive you would still have the opportunity to either retake them or make up for them with the ones in January/February...

oh geez... i started this thread to vent a bit while i'm waiting for my goshdarn SN but now i'm starting to sound like a pro-lifer... i guess, like Sensei above me said, that we should all take a little bit of time to consider our possibilities... again, i was in your exact same position last year so if you need any advice, my PMs are always there

 

[Sensei]

thank you kindly, Sensei (doesn't that mean teacher in Japanese? hehe) i am also impulsive, but i'm borderline. sadly, i've been plagued by suicidal thoughts for a long, long time. i would've ended it impulsively if i had had the means to do so. worry not, i have truly tried all i could've to try to get better. i hope you have too, and i'm sorry you're on this forum as well. sending you love

Yes, sensei means teacher in Japanese and I chose it because I'm a teacher. (A dumb-ass choice of nick, because who am I to teach anyone around here anything? My preferred options were taken so I just picked one, impulsive as I am.) I've done two botched suicide attempts and they were very impulsive. I was totally broken by my disorder, and acted on a sudden impulse. In fact, I was so broken that I didn't feel any fear whatsoever. In retrospect, I don't think it's a good way to go. Such a decision should be based on reason, not emotion. Obviously, we have both tried to find ways out of this darkness. The reason I react so strongly when young people want to die is of course that their lives still can change to the better. I know you have heard this a thousand times, but it doesn't make it less true. Unfortunately, I've reached an age when it's difficult or even impossible to change my life to the better. It's no longer a question of "if", but "when". Anyway, if you decide to go, I sincerely hope that it will be a peaceful journey for you.

 

[OrdinaryDay]

oh dear, i was in the exact same position... i really thought university would help me find a purpose. if i may suggest... have you connected with any of your peers? is the course you're attending interesting to you? i don't know what country you're in but usually, around this time, you would've received the marks of your very first exams... even if you didn't do well on those, i'm positive you would still have the opportunity to either retake them or make up for them with the ones in January/February...

oh geez... i started this thread to vent a bit while i'm waiting for my goshdarn SN but now i'm starting to sound like a pro-lifer... i guess, like Sensei above me said, that we should all take a little bit of time to consider our possibilities... again, i was in your exact same position last year so if you need any advice, my PMs are always there

I really appreciate your concern along with the help and support of my family and I wish it so much I could make those who care about me feel better by doing good in life but unfortunately it is not going to happen. And the sooner I end my life the better for everyone who cares about such a wreck of a human being as me. I can't stand myself and this person who is still kind of growing is absolutely unbearable. I can't believe what I have become over the course of the last couple of years.
I barely have any desire of continuing my college life. Actually, I barely have any desire for anything in this life and that's another reason for to leave.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

Almost 20 and there's no way I'm giving myself the additional trauma of watching my family members die and being lonely for another 50-70 years. My life was ruined long ago and when I tried to fix it while I still could, I'd be dismissed by authority figures who "knew what's the best for me". Even as a child I knew that path wasn't right and had a feel I'd end up like this but there was no chance for me I guess. I missed out on a lot of milestones and life only gets worse when you're older, no way am I going to watch my body rot.
I did what a 12-18 year old with authoritative parents could. I have no regrets.

 

[charlottewilts]

Yes, sensei means teacher in Japanese and I chose it because I'm a teacher. (A dumb-ass choice of nick, because who am I to teach anyone around here anything? My preferred options were taken so I just picked one, impulsive as I am.) I've done two botched suicide attempts and they were very impulsive. I was totally broken by my disorder, and acted on a sudden impulse. In fact, I was so broken that I didn't feel any fear whatsoever. In retrospect, I don't think it's a good way to go. Such a decision should be based on reason, not emotion. Obviously, we have both tried to find ways out of this darkness. The reason I react so strongly when young people want to die is of course that their lives still can change to the better. I know you have heard this a thousand times, but it doesn't make it less true. Unfortunately, I've reached an age when it's difficult or even impossible to change my life to the better. It's no longer a question of "if", but "when". Anyway, if you decide to go, I sincerely hope that it will be a peaceful journey for you.

not a dumb choice at all! even though my opinion is worth squat, i think being a teacher is a really noble profession... and i understand completely. myself, i've weighed my choices thoroughly and ending my life really is the most rational option. sadly, in today's world of late stage capitalism, a young person's prospects are quite bleak... even with a university degree! thank you for the sweet thoughts, though. if i may ask, what do you teach? i love learning, and i'd consider myself a jack of all trades... if you have any interesting facts to share, please do!

 

[Sensei]

not a dumb choice at all! even though my opinion is worth squat, i think being a teacher is a really noble profession... and i understand completely. myself, i've weighed my choices thoroughly and ending my life really is the most rational option. sadly, in today's world of late stage capitalism, a young person's prospects are quite bleak... even with a university degree! thank you for the sweet thoughts, though. if i may ask, what do you teach? i love learning, and i'd consider myself a jack of all trades... if you have any interesting facts to share, please do!

Indeed, society has become more unforgiving to young people. Money shouldn't decide your future and you shouldn't have to compete so fiercely. I'm a language teacher and my subjects are English and my native language. As for interesting facts, be careful what you ask for. ;) I'm also an author and my specialty is trivia. I could bombard you with interesting facts all day!

 

[charlottewilts]

Almost 20 and there's no way I'm giving myself the additional trauma of watching my family members die and being lonely for another 50-70 years. My life was ruined long ago and when I tried to fix it while I still could, I'd be dismissed by authority figures who "knew what's the best for me". Even as a child I knew that path wasn't right and had a feel I'd end up like this but there was no chance for me I guess. I missed out on a lot of milestones and life only gets worse when you're older, no way am I going to watch my body rot.
I did what a 12-18 year old with authoritative parents could. I have no regrets.

my heart goes out to you. i feel the same about my family; my mother often says that a child should never die before their mother. i feel the opposite... i cannot imagine living without my parents there for me. call me a spoiled millennial, but that's the truth... i agree that life only gets worse as you age. for me, my childhood years were the best: no worries, no responsibilities... i wish i would've appreciated them then. aging really is just rot and decay...

Indeed, society has become more unforgiving to young people. Money shouldn't decide your future and you shouldn't have to compete so fiercely. I'm a language teacher and my subjects are English and my native language. As for interesting facts, be careful what you ask for. ;) I'm also an author and my specialty is trivia. I could bombard you with interesting facts all day!

i am not very well-versed in history (gosh, it was the one of the subjects that i was the worst at) but it seems to me that the youth were always treated as they are today; it is just that we are more aware of this because of the internet and its propensity to spread information around every corner of the world instantly. English, really!!! i love English, it's not my native language either but it's so fun! what's yours, if i may ask? haha, no worries, as someone who reads Wikipedia articles for fun i can't imagine being bored by hearing some facts! trivia is super fun. did you know that it's considered bad luck to knit a sweater for a loved one? it's common belief that they will break up with you after you gift it to them. hit me up with some fun facts any time, man!

oh darn, this thread is getting too optimistic... time to lay off the sangria and get to bed, i guess

 

[Worthless_nobody]

my heart goes out to you. i feel the same about my family; my mother often says that a child should never die before their mother. i feel the opposite... i cannot imagine living without my parents there for me. call me a spoiled millennial, but that's the truth... i agree that life only gets worse as you age. for me, my childhood years were the best: no worries, no responsibilities... i wish i would've appreciated them then. aging really is just rot and decay...

If I don't ctb sooner than later I will definitely 100% do it before I get old. There is no way I'm living another 50/60 years just to end up alone in a nursing home. I think the most depressing thought for me is I have more life ahead of me than behind me.

My mom says that to me too and I tell her if I actually do manage to suffer thru until she dies I will follow right after her because once she is gone I'm all alone. And I 100% agree with you childhood up until about age 12 for me were the best years. No worries, no responsibility, ignorance was bliss. I'm simply not cut out to be an adult where my whole life revolves around working to live to pay bills.

 

[charlottewilts]

If I don't ctb sooner than later I will definitely 100% do it before I get old. There is no way I'm living another 50/60 years just to end up alone in a nursing home. I think the most depressing thought for me is I have more life ahead of me than behind me.

My mom says that to me too and I tell her if I actually do manage to suffer thru until she dies I will follow right after her because once she is gone I'm all alone. And I 100% agree with you childhood up until about age 12 for me were the best years. No worries, no responsibility, ignorance was bliss. I'm simply not cut out to be an adult where my whole life revolves around working to live to pay bills.

it really, really is, huh? the shrinks i've been to all told me i'm stuck at a mental age of 12. i guess it's because i just want to stay innocent and not adapt to this cruel, relentless world. i don't think this is a mental illness at all, it is simply a normal reaction to the human condition. our life expectancy is now around 80 years... it's really unfair that we are forced to mature so fast!!! i have nothing against older people (on an unrelated note, i love older men and women for their handsomeness/beauty and wisdom) but i just can't imagine myself ever getting that old! not happening! God has a plan for me and that plan is to die young

 

[Final Escape]

42 is already pushing it lol! I could have went at 40 and not missed much. There's been new people I met that I liked since then but still it blows.

 

[Sensei]

i am not very well-versed in history (gosh, it was the one of the subjects that i was the worst at) but it seems to me that the youth were always treated as they are today; it is just that we are more aware of this because of the internet and its propensity to spread information around every corner of the world instantly.

I disagree. Something has changed. When I was young, in the 1800s, we weren't as obsessed with buying brand clothes, keeping up appearances, getting a well-paid status job, not becoming a "loser", and so on. In some ways, your generation is under more pressure than mine was. (You don't have to live under the threat of nuclear annihilation, though.)

English, really!!! i love English, it's not my native language either but it's so fun!

It isn't? I honestly thought it was.

what's yours, if i may ask?

A really clever and dedicated person could actually find out my identity by using the information I've shared so far in this forum. It may sound paranoid, but it's actually true. I don't want to make it any easier, so I will simply say that it's a Scandinavian language.

haha, no worries, as someone who reads Wikipedia articles for fun i can't imagine being bored by hearing some facts! trivia is super fun. did you know that it's considered bad luck to knit a sweater for a loved one? it's common belief that they will break up with you after you gift it to them. hit me up with some fun facts any time, man!

Maybe we should start a thread? "Strange, fun, and interesting facts".

oh darn, this thread is getting too optimistic... time to lay off the sangria and get to bed, i guess

God forbid that we should forget our misery for a moment. ;)

 

[StillWaiting]

Same here.
Been waiting for 5 years and it only guess worse.
No point to stay around to feel more helpless and suicidal

 

[charlottewilts]

I disagree. Something has changed. When I was young, in the 1800s, we weren't as obsessed with buying brand clothes, keeping up appearances, getting a well-paid status job, not becoming a "loser", and so on. In some ways, your generation is under more pressure than mine was. (You don't have to live under the threat of nuclear annihilation, though.)

in those aspects, yes, we do have it harsher now. especially with social media. i really wish i had been born in a generation without it. i suppose i was more referring to the phenomenon of "juvenoia".

It isn't? I honestly thought it was.

nope. i just use a lot of slang, so i understand why it may appear so.

A really clever and dedicated person could actually find out my identity by using the information I've shared so far in this forum. It may sound paranoid, but it's actually true. I don't want to make it any easier, so I will simply say that it's a Scandinavian language.

i understand completely. it is not paranoid, on the Internet, and especially on a site like this, it's reasonable and wise.

Maybe we should start a thread? "Strange, fun, and interesting facts".

i'll be sure to chime in often if you do!

God forbid that we should forget our misery for a moment. ;)

well, you know the saying... the higher you soar, the further you fall! i wouldn't want to get too happy and then sink into the depths of depression and despair again...

 

[justwhy?]

I'm in my late 20s. I first wanted to die long before adolescence and attempted to make it happen in my mid teens and then again at 20, during the Christmas break from my first year at university. They were both sincere but semi-impulsive and poorly informed attempts. I always thought I'd be dead before the age of 21. Many of the contributors to this thread are stark reminders of my younger self. The years since then have not been good.

So... maybe I am a glaring example showing why you should go asap. But I could also be taken as warning not to become a self fulfilling prophecy: I always considered myself worthless, avoiding any effort to change that, always believing that I'd be dead soon enough. Now my youth, the time for learning and growing (with abundant neuroplasticity), is gone, and it is clear and set - I have nothing. I am worthless.

TL;DR -
Shit or get off the pot, I suppose.

 

[ReverendGreen]

I dropped out of university around this time last year too. Actually I just reapplied to a cheap community college near me. Don't know why though.

I do know I need to ctb before I get older, but I don't really feel like I'm still young; I've lived long enough to know my weaknesses and that nothing worthwhile will ever happen in the future. The best days of my life are long behind me.

 

[Green Destiny]

Just turned 25. The thought of becoming old and frail makes me very unhappy, I'd rather go when i'm relatively able to do it myself. Who's to say I won't become senile and forget who I am when I get old? That's a fate far worse than death itself in my opinion.

 

[charlottewilts]

I dropped out of university around this time last year too. Actually I just reapplied to a cheap community college near me. Don't know why though.

I do know I need to ctb before I get older, but I don't really feel like I'm still young; I've lived long enough to know my weaknesses and that nothing worthwhile will ever happen in the future. The best days of my life are long behind me.

gosh, are you me? because i did the same! i applied to another university just to appease my parents and to make it seem like everything is alright...

yeah, i feel that. the only reason i said 20 is young is because it is considered as such by society's standards. as for me, i feel that my "youth" ended when i turned 16 or so and the cruel reality of how the world works really started kicking in. i regret not being able to experience some things like travelling and meeting new people, but when it comes to my decision to CTB the bad things that will surely happen outweigh the good things that might.

I'm in my late 20s. I first wanted to die long before adolescence and attempted to make it happen in my mid teens and then again at 20, during the Christmas break from my first year at university. They were both sincere but semi-impulsive and poorly informed attempts. I always thought I'd be dead before the age of 21. Many of the contributors to this thread are stark reminders of my younger self. The years since then have not been good.

So... maybe I am a glaring example showing why you should go asap. But I could also be taken as warning not to become a self fulfilling prophecy: I always considered myself worthless, avoiding any effort to change that, always believing that I'd be dead soon enough. Now my youth, the time for learning and growing (with abundant neuroplasticity), is gone, and it is clear and set - I have nothing. I am worthless.

TL;DR -
Shit or get off the pot, I suppose.

i am very sorry to hear that. thank you for sharing your story. i feel that my situation is a self fulfilling prophecy as well; i've been wanting to do this for many years and have done extensive research on methods. each year i thought to myself "well, my health won't matter because i'll be dead before i turn 16" or "i don't need to worry about final exams because i'll be dead before 18" or "i don't need to worry about being jobless because i'll be dead before 20".

i've been talking to a teen on Reddit; she approached me first because of some suicide memes i made on a subreddit. her outlook on life reminds me so much of my own at that age. i honestly don't even know what to say to her most of the time because i don't want to make her feel worse. i don't know how to i could help her to feel better, i don't know if it's even possible. sometimes i think that some of us just aren't meant to be alive. that possibility makes me immensely sad, how life could be so unfair.

it was only this year that i found about SN through this forum and decided that it was the perfect method for me as i have all the medications needed, so i'm hoping to stop beating around the bush when it comes in the mail.

i wish i knew what to tell you. i wish i could tell you that maybe it does get better and that you should harbour some hope. but i don't have your life experience, and after making this sort of post that would just make me a big fat hypocrite...

 

[sullengirl]

The biggest reason why I'm considering going in the next few months rather than five years from now is because I don't want to work while I wait to die. Maybe it's lazy of me to say that, but most jobs are utterly useless and contribute to tons of waste. You'll just be a cog in an unforgiving, brutal machine. Some people say you should wait longer if you're young, but there's nothing telling me that waiting will change my mind.

 

[justwhy?]

gosh, are you me? because i did the same! i applied to another university just to appease my parents and to make it seem like everything is alright...

yeah, i feel that. the only reason i said 20 is young is because it is considered as such by society's standards. as for me, i feel that my "youth" ended when i turned 16 or so and the cruel reality of how the world works really started kicking in. i regret not being able to experience some things like travelling and meeting new people, but when it comes to my decision to CTB the bad things that will surely happen outweigh the good things that might.


i am very sorry to hear that. thank you for sharing your story. i feel that my situation is a self fulfilling prophecy as well; i've been wanting to do this for many years and have done extensive research on methods. each year i thought to myself "well, my health won't matter because i'll be dead before i turn 16" or "i don't need to worry about final exams because i'll be dead before 18" or "i don't need to worry about being jobless because i'll be dead before 20".

i've been talking to a teen on Reddit; she approached me first because of some suicide memes i made on a subreddit. her outlook on life reminds me so much of my own at that age. i honestly don't even know what to say to her most of the time because i don't want to make her feel worse. i don't know how to i could help her to feel better, i don't know if it's even possible. sometimes i think that some of us just aren't meant to be alive. that possibility makes me immensely sad, how life could be so unfair.

it was only this year that i found about SN through this forum and decided that it was the perfect method for me as i have all the medications needed, so i'm hoping to stop beating around the bush when it comes in the mail.

i wish i knew what to tell you. i wish i could tell you that maybe it does get better and that you should harbour some hope. but i don't have your life experience, and after making this sort of post that would just make me a big fat hypocrite...

"well, my health won't matter because i'll be dead before i turn 16" or "i don't need to worry about final exams because i'll be dead before 18" or "i don't need to worry about being jobless because i'll be dead before 20".

- it's exactly this mindset I'm trying caution against. You always have the option of ctb but if you proceed on the assumption that you're going to soon then everything will get worse - the world will leave you behind and you will feel the sting of it. Meanwhile your brain might settle into a state that leaves you less prone to ctb and maybe even better able to appreciate existence, but you'll have no chance left of crafting a worthwhile life.
This is what I think you should stress to the teen Redditor. It likely won't make her feel better but it would be honest and helpful.

The biggest reason why I'm considering going in the next few months rather than five years from now is because I don't want to work while I wait to die. Maybe it's lazy of me to say that, but most jobs are utterly useless and contribute to tons of waste. You'll just be a cog in an unforgiving, brutal machine. Some people say you should wait longer if you're young, but there's nothing telling me that waiting will change my mind.

Unless you're certain and have it well planned then at least get a part time job or do some volunteering - anything that forces you to maintain a routine and socialise a little. If you don't then it's all too easy to lose the ability to look after yourself, interact comfortably and allow whatever health problems you have to spiral, leaving you trapped and making ctb feel like less of a choice and more of a necessity.

 

[sullengirl]

Unless you're certain and have it well planned then at least get a part time job or do some volunteering - anything that forces you to maintain a routine and socialise a little. If you don't then it's all too easy to lose the ability to look after yourself, interact comfortably and allow whatever health problems you have to spiral, leaving you trapped and making ctb feel like less of a choice and more of a necessity.

Throughout the past few years, I've had a consistent job, volunteered and worked at multiple shelters and organizations, been a part of several types of interest groups... etc etc etc... I've been a part of society, I've done fulfilling things, had a routine, "socialized," whatever else. That never changed how I felt.

On top of that, I've meticulously planned to CTB throughout 2019, and have been certain for over a decade. Thank you for your advice, but I've heard a lot of similar sentiments throughout my life and it has only lead to more suffering. The only reason why I consider staying is because I have a large family and I don't want to cause a scene.

 

[justwhy?]

Throughout the past few years, I've had a consistent job, volunteered and worked at multiple shelters and organizations, been a part of several types of interest groups... etc etc etc... I've been a part of society, I've done fulfilling things, had a routine, "socialized," whatever else. That never changed how I felt.

On top of that, I've meticulously planned to CTB throughout 2019, and have been certain for over a decade. Thank you for your advice, but I've heard a lot of similar sentiments throughout my life and it has only lead to more suffering. The only reason why I consider staying is because I have a large family and I don't want to cause a scene.

Fair enough. But I'll rephrase it more starkly: things can always get worse.

 

[Moonicide]

I'm 29, so I'm still fairly young. But I'm not ctbing to avoid old age. I'm ctbing due to living with mental illness for 15 years and not having a sustainable life.

 

[999888]

Yes. If life is already rubbish now, imagine when you are older, weaker and with more problems.