Discussion Is anyone else here due to the aftermath of being in a pathological love relationship (narcissist victim syndrome)?

[Dawn0071111]

I was run over by the pathology train. And developed a trauma disorder. When my depression and cognative dissonance first set in, I had no ides what was happening to me. i was do depressed that I could not bring myself to post here. I joined in Nov 18. My almost fatal suicide attempt over that man was in January. It was a short fling, I am not without my own baggage, but nothing prepared me for the fallout. I remember I was in so much pain that in my "death journal" I had a calandar and I would wait till midnight to get jut a little relief knowing that may planned day would grow near. I spent 2 months working on a 60 page suicide letter..... I had our pictures aorund the room. Sent out final goodbye texts...Had the sings that remined me of him playing. I had a portable generator, studied everything. Had a C02 meter. I should not be here. But my bedroom doors dont lock so in a blackout state I got out of the room (have no memory) and woke up on my kitchen floor at which I panicked, I didn't inhale enough c02 to need the bariatric chamber. I have never expoerinced anything more mentallly, spiritually, painful. I was certain death was my only way out. I never knew anything about "loveboming" and charming personalitles. I knew somethign was wrong and in retrospect, many who end up with toxic people see so many red flags. But there is still a part of me that believes that me walking away from the disrespect was the wrong decision. i know it sounds awful, but the worst part of the aftermath syndrome (it is an actual thing..I had to find out on my own because i had no idea what was happening to me..I melted down totally) the dreams, obsession, ruminations, intrusive positive memories, fantasizing, self-blame, self-laothing. I can't even bear to share the details of what was said and done on our phone call when I got out of the hospital. My first time on psych ward. Holy shit! If I ever try to CBT again, I must succeed to aviod just THAT. Good God, those 4 days were fucking trauma in itself.

And after all of this. I still struggle with a deep seated belief that I missed me chance. I had never in my life ever exoerinced that level of happiness with another person. Part of that was due to my own deficits from a horrific childhood, and unahppy life, nut then match that with someone who is INTENTIONALLY MANUFACTURING on purpose getting you addicited to them with a bunch of crazy behavior that end the end I didn't want to endure, but I was already hooked. Pretty much if I had stayed or left the dmamge had been done and as I see it it wasn't a question of IF I would have tried to kill myself but WHEN.

I believe that many suicides are over this sort of thing. It just never gets out.

This is because it isn't until a person is out of the relationship/situation that you can tell what happened. It's called being in a "fog."

I am recovering, and a part of me doesn't like it. I don't want to go on without him. It's been almost a year. I never knew one could such self-hate.

I got diagnosed with PTSD. The panic attacks and social axniety, and inability to be in public have subsided. But dang. I really feel like a war vet coming home. I dont know how to -or even if i WANT TO re-integrate back in to real life again.

I know this sounds crazy, and I would have never seen this coming (I saw none of this coming actually) but I am trying to get back to that place of utter despair so i can have will to kill myself. Even in that darkness I had to coach myself and take a few sleeping pills and alcohol just to relax myself.

I feel like I have missed two chances: 1. to be with the love of my life 2. to die and be done with life.

He was my reason to live and die. I know it sounds so sad, and PATHETIC. But its my truth and I am posting here in this forum, because I am certian there may be a few here who have experinced wanting to die because a person is not in thier life. It such a TABOO subject that carries so much SHAME. i have trouble dealing with the shame, because I was supposed to be the "strong woman." You know, we live in a society that frowns upon dependancy of any kind, and while of course being an adult means being self-reliant. I have found that self-reliance, the whole "girl you sould not let a man determine your value, define you and validate you..." But this is who I am. And I was so ashamed of it, if fuled my suicide attempt. I can't believe this guy was indifferent to me. I can't believe I was so weak. I hate that I am the ultimate worst thing a woman can be: needy. And of course, everyone tells me to just change. I am trying religion, different therapy modlities, hynotherapy, to change my soul. The deepest inner working and beliefs.... But it's hard to find the MOTIVATION.

Im like, why should I do all this hard work of changing who I am at the core to become this resilient person if the one I wanted the most is already gone? I don't feel like I can help it that a relationship is here I feel that I am alive and thrive. call it co-dependant or all the lables out there.... Sorry I think Im ranting now..

Anyway, just wanting to hear if any narc/pathological relationship survivors are in here....... Many try suicide and complete. The aftermath program I am currently in, the therpaist say the trauma is the worst she has ever seen. I have to agree. When I was paralized with pain. I said I want to be normal again. Now that I am starting to feel bits of normalcy creeping in, I feel like I will forever be incomplete without him. And if that is so, he wins. I would rather die. I know it sounds so crazy, but doesn't the reasoning of most of us who are wrestling with wanting to live or die?

 

[Etherealdignity333]

I'm so tired. I don't have the proper words to reply to this with any sort of length. But I wanted to let you know I feel all of this so hard. Been there. Am there. He's moved on, and I lay trapped, wounded, dying.

 

[NoDream]

Yes, had a Narcissistic Mother and a Psychopath husband.

I know what you feel, also have CPTSD.

Tried to CTB several tims as a child and as an adult I have failed in life.

 

[not_a_robot]

Narcissistic abusers are the only kind of men who have ever made any effort to build relationships with me. Nice people respect and care for me (and themselves) enough to keep their distance when I say I'm better off alone. So I basically live a life populated by nothing but manipulative abusive assholes, because they're the ones who won't leave me alone.

 

[Dawn0071111]

I'm so tired. I don't have the proper words to reply to this with any sort of length. But I wanted to let you know I feel all of this so hard. Been there. Am there. He's moved on, and I lay trapped, wounded, dying.

Yes. i know it trust me i do. and i think that only survivors know that pain. i can't pat myself on the back for living thru it because i tried to koll myself and - im here because suicidal ideation has become a part of my life. I wish I could give you a big hug and validate all your pain. It truly is a "soul-rape" it really sucks the life force out. I am stuck in limbo between recovery and "trapped, wounded, dying..." oh my dear..... it crushing, the agony, the anguish....I wish I had a magic wand to take away the pain of ever survivor--no a time machine to take us back to the first day we met these con-artists of the heart and soul and be at another place and time..... It is the rational logial truth that these scumbags aren't worth our lives, but I sure did and a part of me still does believe that that fantasy he sold like crack cociane was worth my pitiful little life. Everyone says that living well is the best revenge, but sometime I feel like dying well may as well be too. All in all, if you ever need a understanding ear. Im here cause trying to coneect on this issue with people who haven't been there is like a war vet trying to explain to a civilian the artocicites of war. Sure, they may sympathise, but holy fuck..... of all the crazy shit out there that us human do to each other....... short of being physically tortured by a phsycopah, bascially this is just the emotional version of Ted Bundy.

A million pounds of healing balm to your soul...

Yes, had a Narcissistic Mother and a Psychopath husband.

I know what you feel, also have CPTSD.

Tried to CTB several tims as a child and as an adult I have failed in life.

Yes, i had a narc mother too. My mom was the poor version of "mommy Dearest" if you have ever seen the movie. Yes, it turns out I have had CPTSD mot of my life but of course you know no one knows how to give a proper diagnosis since Narc Abuse is not oficially recognized in the DSM. But we know what the deal is with the people who harmed and damaged us. Yes, they were damaged too. Damgaed people damage others..... And it sets us up to "fail" in life. It is taught to us. I am 40 and failed at everything. Even my suicide attempt! I was like damn i cant even die right. lol. My story righ now is in limbo, do I CTB or try and go big and have that life that I was denied all these years by poor conditioning to hate myself and sabotage and attract the worst possible men due my lack of self worth? I feel like I need to give it one more shot, since this was my first time having the aftermath of a damn make narc. I didn't even know the shit existed. I hope that wherever you are in your journey that you can have an alliviation of your symptoms and suffering, I know how awful it can be. Trust me I have a whole new level of empathy now, even tho before I was a very accpeting and non judgemental person, but after this..... I truly threw up my hands and I'm just shocked still. At my own heart, and the pain humans inflict on each other as is passed down generation to generation.

Huggs

 

[Etherealdignity333]

Yes. i know it trust me i do. and i think that only survivors know that pain. i can't pat myself on the back for living thru it because i tried to koll myself and - im here because suicidal ideation has become a part of my life. I wish I could give you a big hug and validate all your pain. It truly is a "soul-rape" it really sucks the life force out. I am stuck in limbo between recovery and "trapped, wounded, dying..." oh my dear..... it crushing, the agony, the anguish....I wish I had a magic wand to take away the pain of ever survivor--no a time machine to take us back to the first day we met these con-artists of the heart and soul and be at another place and time..... It is the rational logial truth that these scumbags aren't worth our lives, but I sure did and a part of me still does believe that that fantasy he sold like crack cociane was worth my pitiful little life. Everyone says that living well is the best revenge, but sometime I feel like dying well may as well be too. All in all, if you ever need a understanding ear. Im here cause trying to coneect on this issue with people who haven't been there is like a war vet trying to explain to a civilian the artocicites of war. Sure, they may sympathise, but holy fuck..... of all the crazy shit out there that us human do to each other....... short of being physically tortured by a phsycopah, bascially this is just the emotional version of Ted Bundy.

A million pounds of healing balm to your soul...


Yes, i had a narc mother too. My mom was the poor version of "mommy Dearest" if you have ever seen the movie. Yes, it turns out I have had CPTSD mot of my life but of course you know no one knows how to give a proper diagnosis since Narc Abuse is not oficially recognized in the DSM. But we know what the deal is with the people who harmed and damaged us. Yes, they were damaged too. Damgaed people damage others..... And it sets us up to "fail" in life. It is taught to us. I am 40 and failed at everything. Even my suicide attempt! I was like damn i cant even die right. lol. My story righ now is in limbo, do I CTB or try and go big and have that life that I was denied all these years by poor conditioning to hate myself and sabotage and attract the worst possible men due my lack of self worth? I feel like I need to give it one more shot, since this was my first time having the aftermath of a damn make narc. I didn't even know the shit existed. I hope that wherever you are in your journey that you can have an alliviation of your symptoms and suffering, I know how awful it can be. Trust me I have a whole new level of empathy now, even tho before I was a very accpeting and non judgemental person, but after this..... I truly threw up my hands and I'm just shocked still. At my own heart, and the pain humans inflict on each other as is passed down generation to generation.

Huggs

How beautiful.

Fuck them, man. You've got more class in your pinky finger than all of them combined.

N mom here, too.

I think it predisposes us to be attracted to them, or they can smell our pre-existing wounds... or both.

There's a good workbook for CPTSD by Arielle Schwartz, if you're into such things. It has a puzzle piece on the front I think?

 

[Uso]

Deepest condolences for what you've been through, especially the failed attempt. I can't imagine how profound a defeat that is.

But I am curious: what's the difference between Narc Abuse and Regular Abuse? Is the only tangible difference that it is carried out by a narcissist? Can someone who isn't a narcissist abuse others the same way a narcissist does?

If you'd rather not answer, I'll gladly do my own research. Thanks for your time.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Narcissistic abusers are the only kind of men who have ever made any effort to build relationships with me. Nice people respect and care for me (and themselves) enough to keep their distance when I say I'm better off alone. So I basically live a life populated by nothing but manipulative abusive assholes, because they're the ones who won't leave me alone.

thanks for replying... Somehow I made it thru my whole life and this was my first and LAST narc. I don't have enough lifeforce left in me to even endure another...but yeah.... sometimes we have a mix of traits, charateristics, baggage, both very lovely and beautiful and broken pats that attract these types to us. I know it must suck at a certain level to feel like a better quality person is out of reach and that only the assholes come around. What's sick about my situation is that I wish I had more...... but of course only the good parts and not the bad, but with the crazy guys, ya can't pick and choose gottah take the good with the bad and for me... it was just too much. I have a fragile fucking soul..... Its my hope that you discover what you truly want and deserve in this life...... of course we are here on a suicide website so shit...... lol.... Sometimes I'm not even sure what to say...except I do wish we all can find a way out of our suffering..... if it be by death so be it...but it is my hope that some of us can find grace to find happiness.....

huggz

How beautiful.

Fuck them, man. You've got more class in your pinky finger than all of them combined.

N mom here, too.

I think it predisposes us to be attracted to them, or they can smell our pre-existing wounds... or both.

There's a good workbook for CPTSD by Arielle Schwartz, if you're into such things. It has a puzzle piece on the front I think?

Girl..... I got so many damn books I had to go on a reading fast cause I was triggering myself, but I will keep this one in mind for future reference..... A part of me sick of these labels. It is helpful in the sense of gaining understanding, but it can trap us..imo. I decided one thing. Either I am going to live or fucking die. I decided that if I do decide to live it will NOT be a medicore, sub-par, life of settling. I will either go BIG or GO HOME. And i am on this site because I am truly undecided. Which is a very strange place to be...the grey area..... limbo.

thank you, that compliment made me feel awesome! I do have more class in my pinky finger..... Now if I could believe that.... then all will be well... I am currently doing the Program from the "Institiute for Relational Harm Reduction" this imo is the best resource out there. It is run by the Author of "Women who love psychopaths"..... I am also doing a hynotherapy program. If it works I'll come back and tell yall about it. If it doesn't ... I have my portable generator hidden and ready. I have a failsafe plan. It just will suck to die over someone who truly doesn't give a shit or care if you exisist.

Yes, the attraction thing is nuts. But I want to be loved and not controlled. I'm pretty strong willed and I walked away. I didn't understnd what was going on.... So once the symptoms started to kick in I just thought I was sad..... But then I spiralaed down so fast. I went from an extroverted, outgoing bubbly public dancer to a frightened, social anxiety ridden, sleeping 2 hours a night with dreams of him and panic attacks that lasted 45 minutes...... the triggers..... the day visions..... girl i truly thought I was about to be on the street pushing a shopping cart... mumbling his name under my breath for the rest of my life.....

So yeah, if I live I gottah heal the "pre-existing wounds" I like how you put it. I literally could walk in to any room and pick out the CRAZIEST guy there. It happens to me all the time...... I want a man. But I have got to get rid of this damn curse... Cause I'm not gonna be anybodys little fucking zombie doll..even if it does kill me. I would rather die than ever be tormented like that ever again.

 

[Maiden]

He was my reason to live and die. I know it sounds so sad, and PATHETIC.

There is nothing pathetic about what you are thinking and feeling right now. You went through a traumatic experience and lost someone you loved in the process.

I'm fortunate that I've never been through an abusive relationship, but I did have a breakup years ago that left me seriously considering CTB. My heart hurts for you, and I hope you can find peace.

 

[Saga]

@Dawn0071111 i know how you feel i am the same...i wont say much but I would agree as to not continuing because the one person I wanted to stay is the one person who I cannot have...lately i was contemplating ctb'ing but today was the last straw...I cannot move forward

 

[Unlucked]

My mother has borderline personality disorder and is a narc. She belittled me so much to the point where I'm socially crippled and I have guilt over things that aren't even my fault because she is able to twist everything to be my fault, even blames my hellish childhood on me. Because she "sacrificed" alot for me being a immigrant parent and all and embellishing her life story into my head, she has chained me to her with this sort of sick form of duty and repayment for all the hell she went through as a single mother. She also raised me in a cult so I have a strong sense of morals ingrained into my consciousness that I literally cant defy without getting physically sick. And because I cant morally defy this mandate without feeling excessive guilt I literally do what she says otherwise I feel like a bad person, she has ensured to belittle me every day to the point where I dont even bother to make friends and she says that everyone will eventually leave me, which is true because what little friends I did have in my life eventually drifted away. It's so twisted and even though I'm saying this and realize how twisted it is, my own thoughts betray me. When I see her I get this huge sense of guilt, and I feel like I owe her just for being alive and for eating her food as a kid to stay alive. I'm also trans and she knows this to some extent and she constantly talks about how LGBT people are sick and need to be sterilized and all sorts of horrible things.

 

[Dawn0071111]

There is nothing pathetic about what you are thinking and feeling right now. You went through a traumatic experience and lost someone you loved in the process.

I'm fortunate that I've never been through an abusive relationship, but I did have a breakup years ago that left me seriously considering CTB. My heart hurts for you, and I hope you can find peace.

Thank you for your kind words. I realized I never learned the art of self compassion, honoring how I feel without judgement is foreign, something I intend to work on if I don't ctb.

 

[not_a_robot]

Deepest condolences for what you've been through, especially the failed attempt. I can't imagine how profound a defeat that is.

But I am curious: what's the difference between Narc Abuse and Regular Abuse? Is the only tangible difference that it is carried out by a narcissist? Can someone who isn't a narcissist abuse others the same way a narcissist does?

If you'd rather not answer, I'll gladly do my own research. Thanks for your time.

They just tend to follow very particular patterns of cruelty and manipulation. A genuinely hateful personality type, basically incapable of feeling affection without inflicting cruelty; cruelty basically is affection, to them. But they hide it, at first.