![SketchTurner](/data/avatars/l/96/96629.jpg?1721819467)
SketchTurner
Member
- Jul 24, 2024
- 16
I've spent over a decade doing all the therapy, lifestyle changes, mindset changes, etc - and all in all I'm probably worse than when I started.
I'm not killing myself because I have disabled family that rely on me, but that gives me nothing in terms of motivation, no ability to do things, no ability to keep mental stability. It just freezes me on the ledge before jumping, there is nothing else from it. All this talk of values and finding something to want to be alive has failed, I have done enough and it has all failed, suicide is what is best for me.
But now I am haunted by all the claims from psychology, therapy, philosophy, and all of it. That settling on life being waiting for suicide in cementing a negative view which can't change anything, that it's my choice and I'm creating it, and despite thousands of hours now of trying and it all failing, my experience can't silence the guilt.
I feel like I've been brainwashed in to a view of reality my experience showed didn't work, I already did what they've guilted me in to and it makes me worse, there is a cost to this constant trying and pushing to things which don't work. I can't argue it's not true, I can't argue it doesn't work, the logic makes sense, it just didn't work for me. It just didn't work.
I can't wait until I can finally kill myself. It's a constant push to convince myself that I can choose a "negative" focus that this entire world is just temporary until I can kill myself, and everything I have to do is progress towards suicide in a more motivational and comforting sense. But I still hear the voices, everyone still says it, it's in my brain.
It's not a great mindset but it's the only one that feels grounded while everything else has no reality to it, yet I feel the push and shame not to have it.
I'm not killing myself because I have disabled family that rely on me, but that gives me nothing in terms of motivation, no ability to do things, no ability to keep mental stability. It just freezes me on the ledge before jumping, there is nothing else from it. All this talk of values and finding something to want to be alive has failed, I have done enough and it has all failed, suicide is what is best for me.
But now I am haunted by all the claims from psychology, therapy, philosophy, and all of it. That settling on life being waiting for suicide in cementing a negative view which can't change anything, that it's my choice and I'm creating it, and despite thousands of hours now of trying and it all failing, my experience can't silence the guilt.
I feel like I've been brainwashed in to a view of reality my experience showed didn't work, I already did what they've guilted me in to and it makes me worse, there is a cost to this constant trying and pushing to things which don't work. I can't argue it's not true, I can't argue it doesn't work, the logic makes sense, it just didn't work for me. It just didn't work.
I can't wait until I can finally kill myself. It's a constant push to convince myself that I can choose a "negative" focus that this entire world is just temporary until I can kill myself, and everything I have to do is progress towards suicide in a more motivational and comforting sense. But I still hear the voices, everyone still says it, it's in my brain.
It's not a great mindset but it's the only one that feels grounded while everything else has no reality to it, yet I feel the push and shame not to have it.