Is anyone else afraid of both dying and living?

[cowbain]

I have every reason to want to die. I'm poor. I can't function anymore. My health is shit. I have no family or friends. I'm abused everyday. In pain everyday. I live in isolation. Life is just not enjoyable or fun anymore. It's scary and unbearable. I cannot find anything inspirational or beautiful about this suffering, especially knowing it'll probably end in my death.

Im not even sure what I'd want to do with my life, and if I found out, in the grand scheme of things it wouldn't be worth it. I'm young so idealistically everyone will tell me I still have "time". Time means nothing when you look at all of the major things I lack that makes living worthwhile. There's no guarantee that aging will make things better. This society values youth so I think if I haven't gotten practical help now, that in the future, somehow this will be worse because then no one is really not going to give a shit about me. I don't want to live to see that day. (If you're going through that I'm so sorry <3) It's hard to realize that no one is going to save me. The government and healthcare system has failed me so many times, just like they've done so many others. And it's not just by plain dismal, there's been plenty of encounters where they've added on to my abuse and torment.

Still, I'm afraid of dying. I've been suicidal since I was 13 and it's just now sinking in that this is going to be my fate. Mainly it's the process of getting the supplies and going through with it that scares me the most because I know my ocd mind will infiltrate me with anxiety and torture me with what if's.

Does anyone else struggle with the dilemma of knowing you need to die but getting intense anxiety while planning and acting it out? If you overcame it please share how you did. I wish I knew how to get benzos

 

[mathieu]

Yup I'm terrified of living and of dying but I'm hoping I can manage to ctb or get accepted to a Swiss clinic

 

[theguineapigking]

Hey. I'm sorry that your life is so hard. I'm sincere when saying that I feel bad.

Yes I have this problem. I hate living. I don't suffer abuse. But I have chronic illness problems. I feel like crap and am pretty ill. My family however is so nice and caring. I don't want to leave them.


So you see,my problem is that I don't want to live,but I feel bad to leave my family. This is a huge problem. I have my rope in the basement and everything mostly planned out. I scribbled a quick suicide note. But it's so hard to do it. But due to my illness I work part time and am mostly laying around otherwise since I'm too fatigued and unwell to do much else. **** this :(



Are you being abused by co workers or a bf? What's happening? Why don't you have much money? Is it due to a bad job? Or are you trapped unable to find a job?

If you want to talk, I'm here(who knows how long). Feel free to reply. I don't mind chatting a bit...

Yup I'm terrified of living and of dying but I'm hoping I can manage to ctb or get accepted to a Swiss clinic

I wish the best for you. I know life sucks. If you want to talk a bit I'm here.

 

[cowbain]

Hey. I'm sorry that your life is so hard. I'm sincere when saying that I feel bad.

Yes I have this problem. I hate living. I don't suffer abuse. But I have chronic illness problems. I feel like crap and am pretty ill. My family however is so nice and caring. I don't want to leave them.


So you see,my problem is that I don't want to live,but I feel bad to leave my family. This is a huge problem. I have my rope in the basement and everything mostly planned out. I scribbled a quick suicide note. But it's so hard to do it. But due to my illness I work part time and am mostly laying around otherwise since I'm too fatigued and unwell to do much else. **** this :(



Are you being abused by co workers or a bf? What's happening? Why don't you have much money? Is it due to a bad job? Or are you trapped unable to find a job?

If you want to talk, I'm here(who knows how long). Feel free to reply. I don't mind chatting a bit...


I wish the best for you. I know life sucks. If you want to talk a bit I'm here.

You should talk to them about getting pain management therapy.

I'm being abused by my family. I had a job months ago but had to quit due to the abuse and manipulation from my dad. I feel hopeless because of how isolated I am. Around the time I had the job I decided I wanted to learn how to drive. I had to ask my parents, if I didn't they probably would've never suggested it. While "teaching me" my dad didn't actually explain anything he just sat me in front of the wheel and expected me to know everything and would get mad and yell at me if I didn't. He sat me up under a HUGE steep hill and told me to drive up it. When I struggled he yelled at me and told me to get out the car and said "see this is why I didn't want to teach you, don't ask me again!!!" Since those events passed, over the past couple of months my dad has been talking about how he's going to get me a car for my birthday. I know he's bullshitting tho. He keeps telling me to read the dmv book so I can study for my drivers test but what's the point? I know he's lying and at this point with knowing how he is I don't want him to teach me, or for him to get me a car. If he did end up getting me one he'd just put it in his name and it'd be another way to control me. Rule of thumb, NEVER EVER accept a car from a narcissist or abuser!

 

[waterbottleman]

Its a really weird feeling to describe, but as each day passes and my SN is closer to arriving I'm getting more excited and less afraid of dying which is actually improving my mood. I feel better today than I did yesterday which felt better than the day before etc.

ha the human psyche is so weird and contradictory.

although maybe my mood will change when the SN arrives and the reality of the situation hits me. I'll just have to wait to find the answer to that!

 

[cowbain]

Its a really weird feeling to describe, but as each day passes and my SN is closer to arriving I'm getting more excited and less afraid of dying which is actually improving my mood. I feel better today than I did yesterday which felt better than the day before etc.

ha the human psyche is so weird and contradictory.

although maybe my mood will change when the SN arrives and the reality of the situation hits me. I'll just have to wait to find the answer to that!

Happy to hear you've been calm during this. Wishing you peace on your journey.

 

[Fragile]

yes, and this is because i really wanted to live a normal life and had so many dreams, goals and expectations for my future, but in reality all those dreams were only delusions and my only way to cope with my situations in life, it was just a way of escaping from my chronic illnesses.

now my health is deteriorating at a worrying rate and since my body was already impossible to repair from the beginning, i really see no way to find peace other than dying. i'm worried about it mostly because of the pain that others will have to suffer because of it.
but i'm still more worried about having to live this life for many more years, so the fear of dying is waning and my desire to find peace grows stronger every day.

i never had the choice to live the life i wanted so now i'm making peace with death, and the way i do it is by telling myself that i will die eventually even if i don't CTB and every single creature that has lived, including humans, will inevitably die, so why wait and endure the pain for much longer?
the only real fear that i have is to fail and go through the traumatic process of a failed attempt, i deeply fear forced psychiatric hospitalization in my current condition, and doctors don't give a shit about your physical health if they think that you are mentally ill, i know how hard this will be since i already suffer through it many years ago.

read some stoic philosophy, this has also helped me greatly in finding peace with my decision, my terrible life and my inevitable fate.
i would be suffering from even more anxiety than i currently have if i haven't found this school of philosophy.

 

[cowbain]

yes, and this is because i really wanted to live a normal life and had so many dreams, goals and expectations for my future, but in reality all those dreams were only delusions and my only way to cope with my situations in life, it was just a way of escaping from my chronic illnesses.

now my health is deteriorating at a worrying rate and since my body was already impossible to repair from the beginning, i really see no way to find peace other than dying. i'm worried about it mostly because of the pain that others will have to suffer because of it.
but i'm still more worried about having to live this life for many more years, so the fear of dying is waning and my desire to find peace grows stronger every day.

i never had the choice to live the life i wanted so now i'm making peace with death, and the way i do it is by telling myself that i will die eventually even if i don't CTB and every single creature that has lived, including humans, will inevitably die, so why wait and endure the pain for much longer?
the only real fear that i have is to fail and go through the traumatic process of a failed attempt, i deeply fear forced psychiatric hospitalization in my current condition, and doctors don't give a shit about your physical health if they think that you are mentally ill, i know how hard this will be since i already suffer through it many years ago.

read some stoic philosophy, this has also helped me greatly in finding peace with my decision, my terrible life and my inevitable fate.
i would be suffering from even more anxiety than i currently have if i haven't found this school of philosophy.

I truly empathize with you because I feel the same way (minus caring about the pain my suicide would cause to others since I have no one in my life). It's so weird because although I hate my life and how everything turned out, I don't wish to be anyone else. I look at conventional people and see that, that perspective/life would suck too, and the difference is they're just shielded by ignorance. I don't have resentment or blame them because I know how random life is. A lot of things in life are based off luck. But if anyone had a choice I'm sure they'd choose the more comfortable existence. Thank you for the recommendation, I'm going to check that out.

 

[theguineapigking]

You should talk to them about getting pain management therapy.

I'm being abused by my family. I had a job months ago but had to quit due to the abuse and manipulation from my dad. I feel hopeless because of how isolated I am. Around the time I had the job I decided I wanted to learn how to drive. I had to ask my parents, if I didn't they probably would've never suggested it. While "teaching me" my dad didn't actually explain anything he just sat me in front of the wheel and expected me to know everything and would get mad and yell at me if I didn't. He sat me up under a HUGE steep hill and told me to drive up it. When I struggled he yelled at me and told me to get out the car and said "see this is why I didn't want to teach you, don't ask me again!!!" Since those events passed, over the past couple of months my dad has been talking about how he's going to get me a car for my birthday. I know he's bullshitting tho. He keeps telling me to read the dmv book so I can study for my drivers test but what's the point? I know he's lying and at this point with knowing how he is I don't want him to teach me, or for him to get me a car. If he did end up getting me one he'd just put it in his name and it'd be another way to control me. Rule of thumb, NEVER EVER accept a car from a narcissist or abuser!

Dang. I'm sorry to hear that. You're right though. People that abuse like that generally have mental problems. They can be unpredictable,and definitely use "gifts" as a form of guilt or power.

How old are you exactly? Do you still live with your parents? If so,could you move out,if you think you could get a job?

Is your mom as bad as your dad? Or does she just stay back and not really intervene or give a crap? Do your parents physically abuse you? Or is it all in actions and verbally?I'm so sorry again.

As for me,I'm screwed. Genetic mitochondrial disease causes many problems. I already take special meds and so forth...as have I seen many docs. So yeah,I'm hopeless there.

There's no point in talking about me.

Do you have anyone that you could consider a possible friend? Maybe you could eventually move out and get an apartment together and split the rent? Depending on where you live,you could maybe walk to work or bike if needed? Do you have plans for college or a future job? Any hope for that? Do you want to live a life if you weren't being abused?

 

[fpeterson9]

Living is almost easy, at least as long as you don't take it too seriously. If you don't have a care in the world and dedicate your time to making the best of it, having a good time, etc., life is almost easy. Almost!

Unfortunately, very few people agree, and these are the fuckers who will try to bring you down. They will bring you down. They'll suck out all the joy from life. These will be friends, co-workers, partners, strangers, etc. Everyone does it. People hate seeing others have a good time, particularly when they don't follow conventional norms.

Dying, yeah, fucking terrifying.

I can't tell you how many times I loaded the tent with my charcoal grill only to chicken out at the last moment. At least 7 times.

I'm not afraid of death itself, no, just knowing I'm going to die within a certain window of time is what scares me.. I hope to be thoroughly intoxicated for that moment. It's kind of a catch-22, though. If you have the comprehension and wherewithal to make that call, you have enough to think about the horror of falling into a state of non-existence.

It's a terrible world. There's no real winning.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

Yup I'm terrified of the pain that comes with dying but too scared to live. I guess I'm much more afraid of living though.

 

[theguineapigking]

Yeah. The pain is scary. Life itself is too. Existence is so stupid. There's no way to not have pain. You have to live and suffer,or kill your self and deal with the anxiety and pain that comes from that. If you're lucky,there's either no afterlife and you cease to exist,or there is one that you have full control over yourself in,and have no sadness or pain there...


I'm curious...would you guys rather cease to exist or live on in a relatively painless afterlife?

I think about this stuff. I don't know if many of the people on this forum believe in any type of afterlife possibility or not. But this certainly is one extra wall to prevent me from killing myself...mostly my family though.


Sorry to all of you that are suffering so much.

 

[Moonicide]

I'm more afraid of living than dying at this point in my life. The only thing that frightens me a bit is if I'll experience any pain while ctbing / not succeeding, but with SN it's very unlikely that will be the case. It's very well known to be a peaceful death. Still, it always makes you wonder. I'm anxious more than anything... I'm anxious about the unknown, what death holds for me besides nothingness and peace. What if there's something else waiting there for me? Who knows.

 

[theguineapigking]

I'm more afraid of living than dying at this point in my life. The only thing that frightens me a bit is if I'll experience any pain while ctbing / not succeeding, but with SN it's very unlikely that will be the case. It's very well known to be a peaceful death. Still, it always makes you wonder. I'm anxious more than anything... I'm anxious about the unknown, what death holds for me besides nothingness and peace. What if there's something else waiting there for me? Who knows.

Moonicide,I do hope you find peace :)


Be wary of suppliers. Many are scammers. The Peaceful pill handbook is supposed to provide reliable suppliers. Many just scam you. The peaceful pill website also lists known scammers' websites.



Do you have any will do live(setting aside fear of death)? I hope you've tried getting help first(if applicable). I truly understand suicide. I just hope it's what you truly 100% want. I know many people do it and when many fail,they regret attempting. A lot of times it's because their situation is workable.

Either way,I wish you luck.

 

[detached]

When I was younger I used to be scared of dying while also being scared of living/getting "older".
I was mainly scared that, when I die, people will continue bullying me, while I'm just looking down at them, being forced to listen to everything they say (I was really young so the simplest way for people to teach me about death was by saying the dead are up in the sky, looking down at those who are still alive). So I was basically scared that I won't actually get away from the negativity.

When I got older, maybe pre-teen or teenager-age, I understood that when I'm dead I won't know what happens on earth because I won't exist.
I was still kinda scared of dying sometimes, and it took me a few years to get rid of that fear.

 

[theguineapigking]

When I was younger I used to be scared of dying while also being scared of living/getting "older".
I was mainly scared that, when I die, people will continue bullying me, while I'm just looking down at them, being forced to listen to everything they say (I was really young so the simplest way for people to teach me about death was by saying the dead are up in the sky, looking down at those who are still alive). So I was basically scared that I won't actually get away from the negativity.

When I got older, maybe pre-teen or teenager-age, I understood that when I'm dead I won't know what happens on earth because I won't exist.
I was still kinda scared of dying sometimes, and it took me a few years to get rid of that fear.

Hi. I'm just curious,if you're not really scared of dying now,what's holding you back from ending your life?(assuming you're depressed since you're on this website).


Or do you kind of want to live?


I wish I wasn't scared of death! Dang it.

 

[Moonicide]

Moonicide,I do hope you find peace :)


Be wary of suppliers. Many are scammers. The Peaceful pill handbook is supposed to provide reliable suppliers. Many just scam you. The peaceful pill website also lists known scammers' websites.



Do you have any will do live(setting aside fear of death)? I hope you've tried getting help first(if applicable). I truly understand suicide. I just hope it's what you truly 100% want. I know many people do it and when many fail,they regret attempting. A lot of times it's because their situation is workable.

Either way,I wish you luck.

The person I ordered Meto from is a trusted source and many people on here have gotten it from them. I might need to contact them soon.

I've lived with mental illness for 15 years. I also deal with physical ailments and chronic pain. I'm living on disability and food stamps. I'm in treatment, I'm on medication. I have done Partial Hospitalization Program, which is basically inpatient but you get to go home. And I've also done the Intensive Outpatient Program. I see a psychiatrist monthly, but my sources are very limited due to having Medicaid. My therapist retired and I'm on the waiting list for another one, they're so booked that I have had to wait for months. I also live in a very toxic and abusive environment. I've tried to apply for Section 8 as well as low income housing, but the wait is so long it could take years. At the end of the day, the life I live isn't sustainable. I can't support or take care of myself and I'm done fighting this battle.

 

[detached]

Hi. I'm just curious,if you're not really scared of dying now,what's holding you back from ending your life?(assuming you're depressed since you're on this website).


Or do you kind of want to live?


I wish I wasn't scared of death! Dang it.

Hi. I don't think I'm depressed. Or I'm quite sure I didn't become suicidal because of depression. So, me being on this website is simply because I wanna die and find the best way to ctb.

The thing that's holding me back right now is
1. probably my brother since I'm noticing similarities in his life that I experienced when I was his age, so I want to be there for him for a bit longer.
2. The fact that I'm moving out, so it would be kinda inconvenient to ctb at this time. (If I wouldn't be moving out, I'd probably already be dead, or I would choose to ctb next summer since I got some summer-friendly ways to ctb)
3.when I was younger I told myself I wouldn't make it passed a certain age, and since I got about 11/2 years left, I'm not really in a rush at the moment.
And 4. I'm not completely sure how to ctb yet. I got a book where I wanted to write down all the different ways to ctb, so I can better decide which option is best for me.

I don't kind of want to live. I can have times when I'm like "tbh, I don't want to be killed right now.". I'd usually think that if I'm outside and it's cold or I'm feeling too uncomfortable or exhausted to deal with dying, or there is something that's gonna happen in the next day(s) and I kinda want to know how it'll go.
When I was younger I'd always be unsure what I want to experience. For instance, I kind of wanted to experience being old (like grandparents age), but I didn't want to experience being an adult. But I think I wanted to know how it's like being a teenager, which led to me choosing when my last birthday should be.

Sorry for writing so much. I hope it's not too much.

 

[theguineapigking]

Hi. I don't think I'm depressed. Or I'm quite sure I didn't become suicidal because of depression. So, me being on this website is simply because I wanna die and find the best way to ctb.

The thing that's holding me back right now is
1. probably my brother since I'm noticing similarities in his life that I experienced when I was his age, so I want to be there for him for a bit longer.
2. The fact that I'm moving out, so it would be kinda inconvenient to ctb at this time. (If I wouldn't be moving out, I'd probably already be dead, or I would choose to ctb next summer since I got some summer-friendly ways to ctb)
3.when I was younger I told myself I wouldn't make it passed a certain age, and since I got about 11/2 years left, I'm not really in a rush at the moment.
And 4. I'm not completely sure how to ctb yet. I got a book where I wanted to write down all the different ways to ctb, so I can better decide which option is best for me.

I don't kind of want to live. I can have times when I'm like "tbh, I don't want to be killed right now.". I'd usually think that if I'm outside and it's cold or I'm feeling too uncomfortable or exhausted to deal with dying, or there is something that's gonna happen in the next day(s) and I kinda want to know how it'll go.
When I was younger I'd always be unsure what I want to experience. For instance, I kind of wanted to experience being old (like grandparents age), but I didn't want to experience being an adult. But I think I wanted to know how it's like being a teenager, which led to me choosing when my last birthday should be.

Sorry for writing so much. I hope it's not too much.

Hey. No problem. It's not too much at all.

It's awesome you want to be there for your brother. I'm glad you're at least not in so much pain that you can't wait any longer. This means you must have some joy. That's why I'm glad for you.I assume your family is close with you? That's something many people don't have.


I get the same feeling where when I'm tired or cold,or just relaxed with watching South Park or something,I'll not be as suicidal. But the thought is always in the back of my mind. I currently have rope and plan to end it soon...but who knows? I'm a coward so I guess maybe I'll Chicken out. Or if I have a bad night or I see my brother driving while I don't have a license,that'll probably help.


Do you watch South Park by Chance?

The person I ordered Meto from is a trusted source and many people on here have gotten it from them. I might need to contact them soon.

I've lived with mental illness for 15 years. I also deal with physical ailments and chronic pain. I'm living on disability and food stamps. I'm in treatment, I'm on medication. I have done Partial Hospitalization Program, which is basically inpatient but you get to go home. And I've also done the Intensive Outpatient Program. I see a psychiatrist monthly, but my sources are very limited due to having Medicaid. My therapist retired and I'm on the waiting list for another one, they're so booked that I have had to wait for months. I also live in a very toxic and abusive environment. I've tried to apply for Section 8 as well as low income housing, but the wait is so long it could take years. At the end of the day, the life I live isn't sustainable. I can't support or take care of myself and I'm done fighting this battle.

Dang. What you said is my nightmare. I have chronic fatigue,brain fog,dizziness,migraine,reynauds,dry eyes,etc. All of which I tried to treat. It's genetic,and even on my special meds I still feel like garbage. I'm not in chronic agony like with back pain or anything like that,but I do feel like crap all the time. I work part time. 15 hrs weekly and I don't even drive. If my parents stopped loving me,I'd be screwed. I always think about if I was to live on my own,I'd have to have financial assistance and work part time. I'd be very tight financially,and would have no money to really have fun. I hate that feeling of being trapped like that.

Sorry you have to deal with this. Do you at least have cable or Netflix? Or do you watch South Park? This can help to at least make you laugh a bit in the short run.

 

[detached]

Hey. No problem. It's not too much at all.

It's awesome you want to be there for your brother. I'm glad you're at least not in so much pain that you can't wait any longer. This means you must have some joy. That's why I'm glad for you.I assume your family is close with you? That's something many people don't have.


I get the same feeling where when I'm tired or cold,or just relaxed with watching South Park or something,I'll not be as suicidal. But the thought is always in the back of my mind. I currently have rope and plan to end it soon...but who knows? I'm a coward so I guess maybe I'll Chicken out. Or if I have a bad night or I see my brother driving while I don't have a license,that'll probably help.


Do you watch South Park by Chance?

Nah, my family isn't close to me. It's just that I've always had this urge to "take care of the young ones", so my brother is almost like a security blanket for me because when I'm around him it's him I'm concentrating on (if that makes sense).

I don't watch south park, but I used to, maybe 2 years ago, whenever nothing interesting was going on the tv.

 

[theguineapigking]

yes, and this is because i really wanted to live a normal life and had so many dreams, goals and expectations for my future, but in reality all those dreams were only delusions and my only way to cope with my situations in life, it was just a way of escaping from my chronic illnesses.

now my health is deteriorating at a worrying rate and since my body was already impossible to repair from the beginning, i really see no way to find peace other than dying. i'm worried about it mostly because of the pain that others will have to suffer because of it.
but i'm still more worried about having to live this life for many more years, so the fear of dying is waning and my desire to find peace grows stronger every day.

i never had the choice to live the life i wanted so now i'm making peace with death, and the way i do it is by telling myself that i will die eventually even if i don't CTB and every single creature that has lived, including humans, will inevitably die, so why wait and endure the pain for much longer?
the only real fear that i have is to fail and go through the traumatic process of a failed attempt, i deeply fear forced psychiatric hospitalization in my current condition, and doctors don't give a shit about your physical health if they think that you are mentally ill, i know how hard this will be since i already suffer through it many years ago.

read some stoic philosophy, this has also helped me greatly in finding peace with my decision, my terrible life and my inevitable fate.
i would be suffering from even more anxiety than i currently have if i haven't found this school of philosophy.

What you said makes so much sense. I feel similarly in that way. I want the pain to end. I don't want my family to suffer though,but the thought of living countless more years is terrifying. I too try to tell myself we all die,so why even bother living if I hate it so much?


I watch South Park and funny tv shows to pass the time.Have you ever watched comedy shows like this?

Well,I just wanted to let you know someone cares. I know I'm a stranger,but I really do feel bad for your suffering. I hate the idea of anyone suffering so much.

 

[cowbain]

The person I ordered Meto from is a trusted source and many people on here have gotten it from them. I might need to contact them soon.

Mind if I pm you for the info?

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Yes and I feel like being poor makes its both easier but harder for me to CTB.

I'm still trying to overcome such things though.