Is anyone else addicted to self-isolation?

[sancta-simplicitas]

My main coping mechanism used to be alcohol, but after I managed to kill that, I started to cope by isolating instead and I just recently realized I treat those two in the same way. Whenever I get stressed, my first instinct is to shut everyone out. I turn off my phone, log out off every medium that I could be contacted with, often opt for deleting my accounts alltogether. Sometimes I order a new SIM card to be able to change my phone number. It's just so nice. It's quiet, it's safe, I don't have to withstand the unrelenting shame that comes with interacting with other people. No one can hurt me. Just me, my cat and my own thoughts.

At the same time, I realize it's detrimental. I'm losing friends, opportunities for pleasant experiences and I hurt people. Not to mention that the only times when I've been truly happy has been when I've been part of a group. Last bout lasted for several months, to the point many (of the few that I have left) friends thought that I was either dead or hated their guts and I really don't like to hurt people I care about. I don't want to be flakey and exist in the margins, at the same time it's all I want. It's the closest thing to peace I can come. Been trying to come up with a middle ground where I get to self-isolate once per week and I live for those days. I crave them and when they're over I'm hesitant to allow myself to exist again. I've recently fallen back to my old patterns and I'm trying to break them but it's just so hard. Managed to log into Discord around midnight and exchange a couple of sentences with one of my more shallow friendships but then it got too much and I left mid conversation.

Any thoughts, ideas, own experiences?

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I totally hear you. I have gone fully from my 'previous life'. More of a gradual withdrawal to minimise suspicion or being chased. Fully new number/location/ghosting emails for over a year now. 2 since I first moved away.

Part of me knows it was needed to stop me messing with others. Part of me knows I can't go back because it will just create uncertainty and likely more problems where I can't commit to 'sticking around'. Part of me misses various people and wanders how they are doing and feels bad for not being able to help them where they had real life issues to overcome and I got scared and ran away feeling inadequate with no real issues. Part of me longs for people to reach out but when one or two have tried emailing where I have changed number, I just freeze and have nothing to say and time passes and so I end up ghosting them. Not so much the initial reply, its the fact I know that will open the channel of communication and questions that I don't understand for myself let alone to try explaining to others. So I feel much more comfortable keeping myself to myself. I almost feel more lonely around others where my communication (of anything other than work necessities/small talk/pleasantries) massively fails me.

I wish I could advise one route or another.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Wouldn't call it an addiction, but whenever something happens I feel like I need to in order to keep people from seeing me at my worst. My explanations tend to be extremely long rant messages though that must cause my friends to wonder "what the fuck is wrong with this person"

 

[10minutesremaining]

for me it's more like being put in my place. if social interaction is strenuous it's probably because you don't fit in

 

[nolifer23]

Social media, electronic communication, phone calls = cancer ebola HIV.

I deleted everything and I am changing SIM cards cca every 2 years.

But the people who bully me are now impersonating me on facebook, they created profile with my photo and name, and FB is doing nothing about it, even though I reported the profile multiple times.

For me best modus operandi is not talk to anyone, I only greet the staff at fitness gym or wellness or some neighbours - no conversation, i just say Hi.

 

[vitbar]

I don't take the same steps as you, but otherwise yes. I decline what few offers I get to socialise, make no offers myself, shorten or avoid conversations where I can.

It has become a habit. I don't even think to do most times any more.

Have been trying to stop myself from doing this where I can. It's gone on so long it's a big challenge.

 

[Kavka]

I can relate to your experience as I tend to isolate myself and (almost) never proactively seek out other people.

According to the matching law, relative rates of response/behaviour (e.g. socialising or not socialising) match relative rates of reinforcement in concurrent schedules of reinforcement.

This is an oversimplification, but I think it explains why I, and perhaps you as well, act as we do.

For me personally, (the act of) socialising takes a lot of effort, I often don't find it really rewarding (lack of positive reinforcement) and it has been punished (in the sense of operant conditioning) by negative experiences in the past. I may be missing out on potential positive reinforcement from socialising, and there may be some negative reinforcement (taking away loneliness), but apparently these rates of reinforcement aren't enough.

Avoiding socialising (self-isolation), on the other hand, doesn't take much effort and is highly negatively reinforced because it allows me to avoid (potential) negative experiences and feelings such as shame. Self-isolation seems like "the winner" and based on my own behavior, it most often is.

I think there are a number of ways to change this. This depends on your preferences, of course, but here are some examples:

• Increasing positive reinforcement for socialising: socialising with people you really like or combining it with a pleasant activity.
• Increasing negative reinforcement for socialising: planning events in advance or joining a club/group with fixed dates.
• Reducing effort for socialising: only going to a social event for an hour or meeting people one on one instead of in a group.
• Reducing reinforcement schemas for not socialising: e.g. blocking the internet on a Saturday night or avoiding parasocial relationships.

You don't have to answer this, of course, but do you have ASD by any chance? There has been some research that has shown, based on brain activity, that social activities aren't just that rewarding for people with ASD (on average). Although, as far as I can remember, this is still inconclusive and there have been some mixed results and gender differences.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I can relate to your experience as I tend to isolate myself and (almost) never proactively seek out other people.

According to the matching law, relative rates of response/behaviour (e.g. socialising or not socialising) match relative rates of reinforcement in concurrent schedules of reinforcement.

This is an oversimplification, but I think it explains why I, and perhaps you as well, act as we do.

For me personally, (the act of) socialising takes a lot of effort, I often don't find it really rewarding (lack of positive reinforcement) and it has been punished (in the sense of operant conditioning) by negative experiences in the past. I may be missing out on potential positive reinforcement from socialising, and there may be some negative reinforcement (taking away loneliness), but apparently these rates of reinforcement aren't enough.

Avoiding socialising (self-isolation), on the other hand, doesn't take much effort and is highly negatively reinforced because it allows me to avoid (potential) negative experiences and feelings such as shame. Self-isolation seems like "the winner" and based on my own behavior, it most often is.

I think there are a number of ways to change this. This depends on your preferences, of course, but here are some examples:

• Increasing positive reinforcement for socialising: socialising with people you really like or combining it with a pleasant activity.
• Increasing negative reinforcement for socialising: planning events in advance or joining a club/group with fixed dates.
• Reducing effort for socialising: only going to a social event for an hour or meeting people one on one instead of in a group.
• Reducing reinforcement schemas for not socialising: e.g. blocking the internet on a Saturday night or avoiding parasocial relationships.

You don't have to answer this, of course, but do you have ASD by any chance? There has been some research that has shown, based on brain activity, that social activities aren't just that rewarding for people with ASD (on average). Although, as far as I can remember, this is still inconclusive and there have been some mixed results and gender differences.

That is interesting, thank you for sharing. I don't have autism and I haven't always been like this either. On the contrary, I used to be a social butterfly, the person who went home last from parties, more or less always interacting with people and I do (still) find it highly rewarding. Last time I met people was (turns out to be exactly) a month ago at a small party I forced myself to go to and I had such a wonderful time, I was elated for several weeks. Actually made an effort to reach out to people more driven by that experience alone. The only behavorial reason I can think off is that I've been taught over and over again that humans have a tendency to do more damage to people (at least to me) in distress, which was blatantly reinforced by my last therapist. I don't trust anyone. Not fully.

 

[kyhoti]

I isolate to keep from spreading my diseased mind out amongst the world. I can't keep it contained. I come here to feel like I have belonging, with like minded folks. All other forms of fellowship have become bitter gall, because I know who I am.

 

[let.me.let.go87]

I'm married but I stay in the bedroom all the time away from my husband. I never go out and barely leave my bed except to eat, go toilet and occasionally, to shower. I stay by myself all the time. It's so lonely but…. I can't help it I hate being around people

 

[cherrylace]

self isolating gives me a sense of things staying the way I expect them to be and not growing/changing/developing in a direction that I don't want to
but I still try to go out semi regularly enough to be able to still go outside like a """"normal"""""**" person

 

[ConfusedClouds]

self isolating gives me a sense of things staying the way I expect them to be and not growing/changing/developing in a direction that I don't want to
but I still try to go out semi regularly enough to be able to still go outside like a """"normal"""""**" person

Yes, this resonates - being with others highlights how the world is just constantly running away from me - sticking to myself gives me a bubble away from that overwhelm and sense of lack of control.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

self isolating gives me a sense of things staying the way I expect them to be and not growing/changing/developing in a direction that I don't want to
but I still try to go out semi regularly enough to be able to still go outside like a """"normal"""""**" person

That makes a lot of sense. Things become more predictable when you remove people from the equation.

 

[Heavy Rain]

Yeah, for over a decade now
I also struggle with getting close to people
I've been rejected so many times, starting with my dad when I came into this world

 

[Tarrasque]

I've always had a lot of social difficulty and get overwhelmed easily so isolation makes sense as a solution to an immediate problem, and it helps keep the feeling of being a burden to other people in check. Hard to balance with needing a certain level of contact, I kind of wish I was the kind of person who was able to just be happy by themself for an extended period of time.

 

[Heavy Rain]

Social media, electronic communication, phone calls = cancer ebola HIV.

I deleted everything and I am changing SIM cards cca every 2 years.

But the people who bully me are now impersonating me on facebook, they created profile with my photo and name, and FB is doing nothing about it, even though I reported the profile multiple times.

For me best modus operandi is not talk to anyone, I only greet the staff at fitness gym or wellness or some neighbours - no conversation, i just say Hi.

That's so awful of them
I'm so sorry for that

And yes, couldn't agree more about social media

 

[No More Tears]

I slowly started shutting people out of my life. I did it gradually and not rush to do it so they don't question it. I like being alone, I hate being around people, family included. I'm now completely isolated from anyone I know. It doesn't make my life easier, but at least I'm not a burden to anyone.

 

[JealousOfTheElderly]

This is the only social media I use to talk to people.
I have shut myself from the outside world. I'm isolated and have cut out 99% of those around me. I have blocked numerous people on the one social media I'm on (linkedin) and have canceled/ deleted all other social media. I also frequently change my number.
I don't want to be found. I don't like talking to people. I was badly bullied at my last job and left. It's been hard finding new employment.
I get overwhelmed when I have to go to the supermarket. I can't go to more than one place when I run errands.
I don't know what's happened to me. I'm a shadow of who I used to be. While I'm not suicidal any longer, I'm just not the same person I used to be a long time ago. I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself.
I need to get it together but I don't know how. I did manage to get the alcoholism under control.

 

[hxtel]

I cant relate much at all I just want people to stay and want to be around me. All my life people just leave me so easily and it has killed me. It's like my main reason for wanting to die. I've been alone with most of my life and would do anything to have someone care and love me. I just want to be wanted and valued.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Never thought I'd relate to a disney character, let alone a 'princess'. Elsa in Frozen. Thankfully enough time has passed and noone is knocking on the door any more to try chase me (do you wanna build a snowman). But I just can't allow anyone in. Will just make a mess and be a burden and cause yet more hurt.

I'm never going back, the past is in the past
yes I'm alone, but I'm alone and free

 

[retention]

Omg that's so me. I thought I was the odd one out, as I thought it would be more normal to vent out, or discuss your feelings with someone else.

 

[sserafim]

I also self-isolate but that's because I've never enjoyed socializing. Socializing was something that I was forced to do for most of my life. I didn't do it out of enjoyment. Rather, it was a requirement and necessity. Now that I'm free from school and college, I can just NEET all day. I don't have to talk to anybody (irl). I honestly found it annoying and draining to be around people all the time and now that I have freedom, I can just be alone in peace. I don't like talking to, being around or interacting with people and that should be okay

for me it's more like being put in my place. if social interaction is strenuous it's probably because you don't fit in

Same but I don't want to fit in anyways. I've removed myself from society and the capitalist rat race because I had no intention of ever participating in the first place. I don't see the point in changing myself to suit others or conforming to their standard and norms. I also don't see the point of taking part in a rigged game where there are no winners

 

[etherealgoddess]

I self-isolate a lot. I've also been pondering about how I wish I could go and make experiences with other people and friends, but my heart is too fragile at the moment. And it's ok! I used to be trying to break down my walls and make friends, but I realized there is a reason for it. I need to be emotionally and mentally stronger before I can deal with the pains from social interactions because I am just learning how to function right now in a sustainable way. If I had social conflict, I know I'd be completely thrown off. My body knows it before I do. Better to just listen to it and take it a step at a time. And just to remember: people aren't necessarily happy with friends. I noticed this because I was an extremely depressed and anxious person. But because I just happen to be conventionally attractive, would wear trendy clothes at school, could fake laugh and be fun to be around but also participated in class, so many people would tell me, "I wish I had my life together like you." And I wish I could tell them the truth. Or I had a teacher that told my mom that she noticed I had a ton of friends, was popular, was liked, and I could never see that in myself. Every time I was laughing and chatting with people, I couldn't help but feel so lonely and misunderstood. But because of the front I always had on, nobody could see what was going on. And that's a reminder to all of us that if someone is smiling and laughing, it does NOT mean they are happier than you or their life is better. It's a facade to just move along in life.