Discussion Is anyone afraid to recover?

[Forever Sleep]

I suspect this likely sounds a weird question. Because if someone TRULY recovers to the point that they at least want to live (even if they're not exactly 'happy') then, they're ok- for now.

Still, I do sometimes see in threads people kind of fearing that things may get a little better. I think it's because we all fear that they will (most likely) just get worse again after! That we may in fact end up even more unhappy because of the contrast. Setting ourselves up for a fall type thing.

Plus, I think there are a number of us that see suicide as our 'natural' conclusion- so any deviations from that inevitable course can feel like an unwelcome illusory distraction.

This next part is more of a vent to be honest: On a more personal note, I've been whinging on and on here the last few months about needing to find a more stable job. There's a remote possibility that I might have found one now. Although- I never really believe stuff till it's all properly confirmed.

It feels really weird to be honest. If it goes ahead, it's going to change my life a lot. I do actually need a change and I do desperately need the money now. I can't see it making me any 'happier' but who really knows?

Really what I'm feeling is annoyance and inconvenience though to be honest. I feel like I still want to CTB more than anything else. Yet, I still feel like I can't do it while my Dad is still alive. Now, actually would have been the optimum time for me to go. I'm freelance- so- no one would miss me from work. Now- if this thing goes ahead, the company will invest a lot in my training, uniform etc. Plus, I'll be in contact with more people. Not that I expect them to really care but it's not exactly nice for them if I end up doing it.

Life is so weird isn't it? Especially when you are living in this peculiar limbo state between life and death as it were. If we're stuck here, we still have to support ourselves- which means likely interacting with other people- which we might then have to leave. It must be even harder for people who have a bash at recovery, yet end up back here. By then, they've likely gone out and sought friends- perhaps even relationships. I guess that's what I meant by- 'Are you afraid of recovery?' In the context I suppose of ending up back here. What do you think?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

No. The things I need to do to recover still wouldn't bring me anywhere close to my desired appearance. What I am scared of is having to cope in life and not have the desired appearance and life, which will happen if I don't CTB.

 

[savoytruffle]

the possibility of "recovery" meaning i won't want to not exist is so distant to me it doesn't even feel real and it's not real anyway, the systemic issues that affect me apart from my own mind will never vanish

 

[nifii]

I'm very afraid of recovery. I would have to admit my mistakes (which are a lot) deal with my emotional intelligence of a fucking goldfish and come to terms with all my trauma's and health issues. I'm now just either ignoring everything or i panic about everything. Idk i would rather die

 

[emptybox]

It's terrible to "come back" to the lowest point after even the smallest improvement so I'm afraid to "get better". Nothing can be done about my situation, so "improvement" means I'm just being delusional and disconnected from reality again, which is not a way to live anymore. Considering everything the way it is in real life, I'd rather die also.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't believe that there is such a thing as "recovery", as being suicidal isn't the mental illness. My thoughts of suicide are simply the logical response to not seeing existence as being worth enduring and I have a realistic view of life. There is no recovery from the fact that life is filled with pointless and endless suffering, and that if one continues to exist there is no limit as to how much they can be tortured.

Life itself really is the true problem and in my case I'm simply not meant for this world, and there is nothing appealing about having to exist, such a thing as existing serves no purpose and is completely useless anyway. I think that any "recovery" is just people deluding themselves as to the cruel reality of this existence.

 

[Unending]

Each and every time I've entertained the idea of getting better, I have experienced the fall that you mentioned which is just much harder to cope with than I would have guessed if I'd never experienced it so this has made me feel quite opposed to recovery considering that treatments have never really done much for me.

If it wasn't that treatments offered little to no help, I'd be more likely to take the risk but feeling coerced out of my desires to die feels really messed up as an ongoing thing and sort of just makes me want to say no to any treatment because why would I want to follow the suggestions of those who don't value my personal autonomy and suffering in a realistic way?

That being said, I am wrapping up a 6 or so week Tms treatment currently so I still am doing this life and attempted recovery thing despite not wanting to. I just wish it wasn't taboo and tragic for loved ones for me to opt out of life.

 

[Kurushii]

I kind of am afraid to recover because yes I have felt good and then I have felt bad and Forever Sleep you make a really good point with the lows feeling worse after having the good taken away. My end goal currently is not recovery, but I decided to be kinder to myself leading up to my ctb. And if I do end up wanting to live a little longer, I will. And in that case I think I might as well try. And if it's too much for me then it's my choice to end my life.

 

[hellispink]

There is no recovery possible when you have bdp. Life will always be empty and meaningless. Plus people are dying and kids are dying of hunger, why would I wanna be here knowing that

 

[LocalAngel]

Recovery simply isn't possible for me. Too much trauma. Much much more comfortable to stay in this headspace, like i have been for a majority of my life. So many people around us are dying constantly. Recovery means admitting that, and then choosing to get better anyway. I've tried. I've failed. I give up on trying- repeat.

 

[MiaMouse]

Absolutely, to the point where it's hard for me to take my medication bc I don't feel like I deserve to feel better, even momentarily.

 

[aSilentVoice]

I think it's because we all fear that they will (most likely) just get worse again after! That we may in fact end up even more unhappy because of the contrast. Setting ourselves up for a fall type thing.

Plus, I think there are a number of us that see suicide as our 'natural' conclusion- so any deviations from that inevitable course can feel like an unwelcome illusory distraction.

Yet, I still feel like I can't do it while my Dad is still alive.

I can relate to all of this so much! Sometimes CTB seems inevitable. But I don't want to hurt my mom and siblings.
I hope you get that job and that things go well for you at work.

 

[Konjac]

Yes, right now I'm at a crossroads between possible recovery and suicide. It could go either way and as it stands I'm terrified of both options.

 

[unrelated]

I believe there is also the fear of that all the suffering was "for nothing" and was wasted time. That's a pretty bad feeling.

 

[stermc]

Having a conviction or our protection being confronted is not comfortable, so, yes. I am not afraid it won't work or something like that, I am just afraid it will change who I am and some stuff I consider part of my being. But I guess it's possible to live - or die - with two opposite aspects

 

[nembutal]

i want to live badly despite suffering and pondering suicide for years. it is possible to enjoy life, there are millions of other people doing it each day. if i were equipped with a sound mind and wasnt as nonconformist with my thoughts and rationale as i am, i think i would be absolutely thrilled to be alive.
in the past i have been able to get through hardship by keeping an open mind toward what may improve in the future. tragically my current situation involves the death of a loved one, which is the most permanent thing there is. i cant tell myself i will see this person again as i dont believe it. therefore ive come to the conclusion that i am truly at my brink at this moment in time, and that there is a low possibility of things getting better if i am still in love with someone who does not exist on this earth anymore. ive been semi active since july, where things took a turn for the worse and i started to seriously consider methods. never would i have thought that the pain i felt then would multiply tremendously. i believe ive exhausted thought to every possibility out there at this point, which is why i believe i am ready to go.

 

[The Eeyorish One]

I guess I'm afraid to recover in a couple different ways. First, I'm afraid of recovery because every time I've tried I fail pretty quickly. like less than a week after trying to get my life on the right track. So I just feel worse each time.

Second, if I could just magically be cured I'd be afraid because I don't think I'd be me anymore. My own personal issues being solved would either also make me miserable ("yay I get to slave away working a meaningless or outright detrimental 9-5 waiting to die now instead of being a couch potato!") or would involve changing my thought process to the point that I'd no longer recognize myself ("wow that child working a lemonade stand to pay for their mom's chemo is totally a heartwarming story and not at all an indictment of our failure as a society!")

As a kind of third point, a lot of what makes me want to ctb is outside of my control, like systemic issues in society. Even if the solution was magically fixing all those systemic issues and nothing horrible happened in the world anymore I feel like it'd be such a stark contrast to the way we as a society lived before that I wouldn't be able to cope knowing that so many suffered before things got fixed, and that nothing was done sooner.