Venting introspection before ctb tomorrow

[schmerz]

im planning to ctb tomorrow. i simply cant bear the pain of living anymore and having to live with myself. i cant bear thinking about how i ruined my entire life. i couldve been happy but i just had to self-sabotage. sometimes i even consider that ctb'ing is way too much of a gracious fate for someone like me.

im a bit worried about the people i'll leave behind though. my mother and i have a very strained relationship, she abused me as a child and now shes grown dependent on me. i love her, because despite denying me of a childhood, i know it wasnt her intention. shes incredibly mentally ill and in moments of "clarity", i could tell that she feels genuinely guilty and is trying her best. when i ctb, i know she'll be devastated and i don't think my other siblings/family members will be able to help her. most likely, she'll kill herself too or start drinking again. i don't want that for her, but i also dont want to feel an obligation to keep going just for her.
i doubt it'll do anything for her (or any of my loved ones for that matter) for me to explain my motivation behind ctbing because it just won't make sense to them, even though it's completely logical to me. they do not lose anything from my disappearance. sure, they'll be sad at first, but after a while they'll notice that it was for the better

their life goes on, even without my presence.

same goes for my ex. we still have an incredible connection, im genuinely convinced we are soulmates because i have never felt as accepted and secure with someone else, but i just couldnt help it and had to ruin it on impulse. im scared he will blame himself for my death even though it isnt his fault at all. is there anything i can do to reduce the chances of him blaming himself? i think even if i tell him in my suicide note that it isnt his fault at all, he'll still find some way to draw the conclusion that it was because of him.

sometimes i wonder if my life couldve gone differently if i just had been... better? more competent? i know "what if" scenarios like that are pointless to think about because it doesn't change the reality i am living in right now, but i still can't help but wonder if i couldve changed something

im also a bit worried about fighting off my own SI, i hope that ive prepared enough that even when it kicks in, i cant stop myself

sorry for rambling, thanks for reading if you got this far, and hopefully there wont be a tomorrow for me

 

[Traveller12724]

I am so sorry you find yourself at the end of your journey so soon, it sounds like you've thought everything through, I just wanted to wish you the best of luck and safe travels, may you find the peace and rest you seek. I won't be too far behind, I've got 13 days left. As for him, you can write in the note something like "please understand that me leaving is not a reflection of you but my own inability to turn myself for the better" that will be my farewell message to loved ones as well!

 

[schmerz]

I am so sorry you find yourself at the end of your journey so soon, it sounds like you've thought everything through, I just wanted to wish you the best of luck and safe travels, may you find the peace and rest you seek. I won't be too far behind, I've got 13 days left. As for him, you can write in the note something like "please understand that me leaving is not a reflection of you but my own inability to turn myself for the better" that will be my farewell message to loved ones as well!

thank you so much, i wish you luck and safe travels as well for when you do it. maybe we'll meet, who knows!

if it's alright, i'll be putting that in my goodbye as well. it pretty much sums up everything ive been thinking, just without all the talking around the point

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this and life is so unfair to you. I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do.

May I ask, what's your method?

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Sending peace to you on your journey onward, we are with you <3

 

[Beyond_Repair]

That's kind of you to be worried about how your leaving will affect others. I have a lot of similar feelings toward my own mom. She was abusive during my childhood, but I know it was because she was mentally ill and probably has been dead inside for a long time.

Remember that you're not responsible for anyone else's life but your own (unless you have kids). My mom was responsible for my life but that didn't stop her from being abusive and neglectful. Your family may be upset, but you didn't ask to be brought into this world or choose the circumstances in which you were brought in the first place, so feeling responsible for staying alive for others' sakes doesn't make any sense.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide to you

 

[schmerz]

May I ask, what's your method?

im going to OD on fent. it's the most accessible options i have right now since i couldnt get my hands on SN

That's kind of you to be worried about how your leaving will affect others. I have a lot of similar feelings toward my own mom. She was abusive during my childhood, but I know it was because she was mentally ill and probably has been dead inside for a long time.

Remember that you're not responsible for anyone else's life but your own (unless you have kids). My mom was responsible for my life but that didn't stop her from being abusive and neglectful. Your family may be upset, but you didn't ask to be brought into this world or choose the circumstances in which you were brought in the first place, so feeling responsible for staying alive for others' sakes doesn't make any sense.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide to you

it's the exact same with my mom. she's incredibly mentally ill and had - and still has - a terrible life. she treated me awfully, but that doesn't make her a bad person. she also didn't ask to be brought into this world and to be subjected to this pain, so i have a lot of sympathy for her. i do resent her a little bit for bringing me into this world, especially when my father already suggested an abortion, but i also understand the notion of wanting to keep your child. it's difficult for me to form a clear opinion on her

thank you, though <3

 

[justwannadip]

Hey, I empathize a lot with feeling like you have an unbreakable pattern of self-sabotaging things. I never feel deserving and i always doubt others intentions due to my ocd so I always end up sabotoging things unconsciously. I also hear you on your strained relationship with your mom, although you have a much more compassionate and mature outlook on it than mine. My mother wasn't physically abusive but was relentlessly hypercritical and emotionally neglecting. Why do you feel like you sabotaged ur last relationship? I hope you're somehow able to lessen your regret, although I know how impossible that can be.

 

[schmerz]

Hey, I empathize a lot with feeling like you have an unbreakable pattern of self-sabotaging things. I never feel deserving and i always doubt others intentions due to my ocd so I always end up sabotoging things unconsciously.

i have the exact same thing except it stems from bpd for me. even when people just show me basic compassion, i can't accept it and think that it's because they have some kind of ulterior motive. i think it also stems from low self-worth, i just can't believe people would actually value me enough to be nice to me, so i immediately doubt them

I also hear you on your strained relationship with your mom, although you have a much more compassionate and mature outlook on it than mine. My mother wasn't physically abusive but was relentlessly hypercritical and emotionally neglecting.

it took me a long time to come to terms with the situation my mom has put me in and the wrong she has done to me. i used to have an incredibly amount of resentment and anger towards her. and even now; i dont necessarily forgive her but i can understand her. something important i've learned is that you can still love someone even if you don't forgive them. some things can't be forgiven anyway, and i believe abuse of any kind is one of them. the way you feel about your mother is valid, no matter what anyone tries to tell you

Why do you feel like you sabotaged ur last relationship? I hope you're somehow able to lessen your regret, although I know how impossible that can be.

just by being myself + on impulse. i got too comfortable, i thought i needed to break out and after it was already done i quickly realized the grave mistake i made. even while still in the relationship i was terrible, i was jealous, too emotional and just a general burden. it's a miracle someone could even love me like that. a song that captures the feeling extremely well is laughing song by black country new road if you're interested, i think it captures the feeling of sabotaging relationships very well

 

[justwannadip]

i have the exact same thing except it stems from bpd for me. even when people just show me basic compassion, i can't accept it and think that it's because they have some kind of ulterior motive. i think it also stems from low self-worth, i just can't believe people would actually value me enough to be nice to me, so i immediately doubt them


it took me a long time to come to terms with the situation my mom has put me in and the wrong she has done to me. i used to have an incredibly amount of resentment and anger towards her. and even now; i dont necessarily forgive her but i can understand her. something important i've learned is that you can still love someone even if you don't forgive them. some things can't be forgiven anyway, and i believe abuse of any kind is one of them. the way you feel about your mother is valid, no matter what anyone tries to tell you



just by being myself + on impulse. i got too comfortable, i thought i needed to break out and after it was already done i quickly realized the grave mistake i made. even while still in the relationship i was terrible, i was jealous, too emotional and just a general burden. it's a miracle someone could even love me like that. a song that captures the feeling extremely well is laughing song by black country new road if you're interested, i think it captures the feeling of sabotaging relationships very well

Haha I have bpd too, as well as ocd… its a nightmare. Feeling constant shame and undeservingness from ocd and my past (which constantly makes me feel like I'm deceiving them and makes me unconsciously push them away), doubting the persons intentions and whether they're right for me (due to ocd), and fear of abandonment and intense emptiness leading to either pushing them away or being extremely attached to the point where I can't function. And if they breakup with me, I become extremely depressed, anxious, purposeless, amd suicidal. So ya, ocd robs me of decision making and experiencing the present moment, and bpd makes the pain of life and mistakes 1000x harder. And since ocd attacks the things you care about the most, which as someone with bpd is relationships, I always end up sabotaging them. Intense emotions and dysfunctional wiring is a recipe for a horrible life. I used to have hope that maybe if external things changed and my situation got better, I'd maybe be happier. Now I know the problem is I'm not wired for this shit. I've been in a loop my entire life, even through therapy and intense introspection and effort to change. So ya, I 100% get you on the bpd front, I just happen to have a 2 headed monster, as if bpd or ocd alone isnt hard enough. Idk how Im still here when others with singular disorders have gone. I also have body dysmorphia, adhd and tourettes, so Im just the observer of a trainwreck.

I think its beautiful that you've come to understand your mother. I think my inability to forgive others truly, is because I can't forgive myself (my ocd won't allow me too), and I've done some pretty horrible things. I've changed and I've beaten myself up for them, but I'll never feel deserving so thats like the final and biggest obstacle that will likely lead to my ctb.

I feel you on the relationship front, and I'll def check out that song. I love art that captures our troubles well. Its always hard for me to find music that accurately depicts my struggle, probably due to the rare combination of disorders and the painfully unique experiences that come with them. But I find even simple lyrics that summarize and use metaphors or imagery can be so powerful, because I can interpret them to my circumstances and suffering. There's a lyric by Bon Iver on a song called "re:stacks" that goes "there's a black crow sitting across from me, his wiry legs are crossed. He's dangling my keys, he even fakes a toss. Whatever could it be, that has brought me to this loss?". It's a beautiful song, and I'd tell you what that line means to me but this reply is already very long haha. I'm happy I got a chance to talk to you, even if you plan on ctb'ing tmrw. Pls know that you can always ctb the day after, and that there's absolutely no shame in not being ready. I'll be around if you'd like to talk

 

[heyy]

im going to OD on fent

Hey :) may I ask what OD means? "fent" is fentanyl isn't it? how exactly will u make this and where did u get it? may I also ask in which state or smth u live? cuz I am not sure if I can get these things where I am... :/
(Feel free to answer but don't feel forced to!!)
Good luck! :)

 

[schmerz]

Hey :) may I ask what OD means? "fent" is fentanyl isn't it? how exactly will u make this and where did u get it? may I also ask in which state or smth u live? cuz I am not sure if I can get these things where I am... :/
(Feel free to answer but don't feel forced to!!)
Good luck! :)

OD means overdose and fent is fentanyl, yes
i'm not making it myself, i got it through a dealer in my local area. it's pretty scarce here so it was a bit expensive. i live in europe
i recommend looking at the cbt resource compilation, it's helped me a lot in finding something suitable

 

[IWishIWasAFlower]

I hope everything works out the way you planned it. How did you spend the past few days, besides your preparations?
Best of luck to you!

 

[UKscotty]

Good luck, rest in peace.

 

[schmerz]

it didn't work
i am absolutely miserable
why is being alive a fate that is so much incredibly crueler than death

 

[justwannadip]

it didn't work
i am absolutely miserable
why is being alive a fate that is so much incredibly crueler than death

How much fent did you take?

 

[muteallchat]

im just curious. your mother clearly ruined your life (mental health is most important thing you can have. perfect software can work on a faulty hardware, but not vice versa). why do you feel sorry for her? why dont just make this bitch suffer, killing 2 birds with one stone? why do yall feel pity for someone who literally made you kill yourself?

 

[EmpathyMinded]

im planning to ctb tomorrow. i simply cant bear the pain of living anymore and having to live with myself. i cant bear thinking about how i ruined my entire life. i couldve been happy but i just had to self-sabotage. sometimes i even consider that ctb'ing is way too much of a gracious fate for someone like me.

im a bit worried about the people i'll leave behind though. my mother and i have a very strained relationship, she abused me as a child and now shes grown dependent on me. i love her, because despite denying me of a childhood, i know it wasnt her intention. shes incredibly mentally ill and in moments of "clarity", i could tell that she feels genuinely guilty and is trying her best. when i ctb, i know she'll be devastated and i don't think my other siblings/family members will be able to help her. most likely, she'll kill herself too or start drinking again. i don't want that for her, but i also dont want to feel an obligation to keep going just for her.
i doubt it'll do anything for her (or any of my loved ones for that matter) for me to explain my motivation behind ctbing because it just won't make sense to them, even though it's completely logical to me. they do not lose anything from my disappearance. sure, they'll be sad at first, but after a while they'll notice that it was for the better

their life goes on, even without my presence.

same goes for my ex. we still have an incredible connection, im genuinely convinced we are soulmates because i have never felt as accepted and secure with someone else, but i just couldnt help it and had to ruin it on impulse. im scared he will blame himself for my death even though it isnt his fault at all. is there anything i can do to reduce the chances of him blaming himself? i think even if i tell him in my suicide note that it isnt his fault at all, he'll still find some way to draw the conclusion that it was because of him.

sometimes i wonder if my life couldve gone differently if i just had been... better? more competent? i know "what if" scenarios like that are pointless to think about because it doesn't change the reality i am living in right now, but i still can't help but wonder if i couldve changed something

im also a bit worried about fighting off my own SI, i hope that ive prepared enough that even when it kicks in, i cant stop myself

sorry for rambling, thanks for reading if you got this far, and hopefully there wont be a tomorrow for me

I hope you find peace. I hope I can find that too.

I don't think there is much you can do on your ex btw. Each of us is responsible for our own feelings and what we do about them. Someone I once was close to taught me that. If he is determined to blame himself it isn't your fault. Just have faith he will move on and just like with your mom you aren't obligated to stay because of how he might react.

Hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[Minsu]

What made you chicken out after all?