schmerz
if i don't survive, i'll still be by your side
- Jul 7, 2024
- 26
im planning to ctb tomorrow. i simply cant bear the pain of living anymore and having to live with myself. i cant bear thinking about how i ruined my entire life. i couldve been happy but i just had to self-sabotage. sometimes i even consider that ctb'ing is way too much of a gracious fate for someone like me.
im a bit worried about the people i'll leave behind though. my mother and i have a very strained relationship, she abused me as a child and now shes grown dependent on me. i love her, because despite denying me of a childhood, i know it wasnt her intention. shes incredibly mentally ill and in moments of "clarity", i could tell that she feels genuinely guilty and is trying her best. when i ctb, i know she'll be devastated and i don't think my other siblings/family members will be able to help her. most likely, she'll kill herself too or start drinking again. i don't want that for her, but i also dont want to feel an obligation to keep going just for her.
i doubt it'll do anything for her (or any of my loved ones for that matter) for me to explain my motivation behind ctbing because it just won't make sense to them, even though it's completely logical to me. they do not lose anything from my disappearance. sure, they'll be sad at first, but after a while they'll notice that it was for the better
their life goes on, even without my presence.
same goes for my ex. we still have an incredible connection, im genuinely convinced we are soulmates because i have never felt as accepted and secure with someone else, but i just couldnt help it and had to ruin it on impulse. im scared he will blame himself for my death even though it isnt his fault at all. is there anything i can do to reduce the chances of him blaming himself? i think even if i tell him in my suicide note that it isnt his fault at all, he'll still find some way to draw the conclusion that it was because of him.
sometimes i wonder if my life couldve gone differently if i just had been... better? more competent? i know "what if" scenarios like that are pointless to think about because it doesn't change the reality i am living in right now, but i still can't help but wonder if i couldve changed something
im also a bit worried about fighting off my own SI, i hope that ive prepared enough that even when it kicks in, i cant stop myself
sorry for rambling, thanks for reading if you got this far, and hopefully there wont be a tomorrow for me
im a bit worried about the people i'll leave behind though. my mother and i have a very strained relationship, she abused me as a child and now shes grown dependent on me. i love her, because despite denying me of a childhood, i know it wasnt her intention. shes incredibly mentally ill and in moments of "clarity", i could tell that she feels genuinely guilty and is trying her best. when i ctb, i know she'll be devastated and i don't think my other siblings/family members will be able to help her. most likely, she'll kill herself too or start drinking again. i don't want that for her, but i also dont want to feel an obligation to keep going just for her.
i doubt it'll do anything for her (or any of my loved ones for that matter) for me to explain my motivation behind ctbing because it just won't make sense to them, even though it's completely logical to me. they do not lose anything from my disappearance. sure, they'll be sad at first, but after a while they'll notice that it was for the better
their life goes on, even without my presence.
same goes for my ex. we still have an incredible connection, im genuinely convinced we are soulmates because i have never felt as accepted and secure with someone else, but i just couldnt help it and had to ruin it on impulse. im scared he will blame himself for my death even though it isnt his fault at all. is there anything i can do to reduce the chances of him blaming himself? i think even if i tell him in my suicide note that it isnt his fault at all, he'll still find some way to draw the conclusion that it was because of him.
sometimes i wonder if my life couldve gone differently if i just had been... better? more competent? i know "what if" scenarios like that are pointless to think about because it doesn't change the reality i am living in right now, but i still can't help but wonder if i couldve changed something
im also a bit worried about fighting off my own SI, i hope that ive prepared enough that even when it kicks in, i cant stop myself
sorry for rambling, thanks for reading if you got this far, and hopefully there wont be a tomorrow for me