V
VoidAetherium
Member
- Jan 2, 2025
- 19
Hello everyone! Firstly thanks for the admins to accept my account. English is not my mother language so sorry if any grammatical issues are taked. I've being on this site looking around for quite some time. It's quite a place that i fond where people that can say their pains without getting inflicted back by someone else. A place where i feel safe seeing their pain words where my pain would be quite similar. I suffer from adhd, bpd, autism, schizophrenic paranoia and narcisistic traits (depending if my mood get escalated) since my youth. i'm around my 30s now and by the time i write this i've tryed the usual delusional concept of "trying to get better", "finding a purpose in life", "you're special and important and you can do wonders",etc. and nothing of this had made the work worth. I had give my fully concent to find suicide the only way out of my misery otherwise i'll contmplate my old miserable self on a terryfing vegetable aging state of degree. I live with one of my family members now and hes getting old and on that vegetative state where can't no longer differe where is this or where is that and this terrifies me a lot. If this member dies, boom for me. I would got to know the harsh homeless reality on my own wich i'm already susceptible daily. I've no work, no independence and the taxes and all are fully paid by this member. If he dies, i'll be on my own and then suicide will certainly be a fantasy just to dream on while a natural cause could take me in. While i've this internet, i can only manage to find a situation that will gratify me to die completly. I've being deluded myself for so long. Either by pornographic, sexual pursuits, playing games, running around a park while contemplating a false paradisical nature where others smoke and talk dirty and even the sake spiritual concept where i had grasp words of mantras, sit through time and time or yoga poses but all in all a completle waste of years. In all my pursuit to find some happiness i had meet the sick bully society where i though having friends would save me for the holocaust but even then i was there abuse by my retarded hyperactive character where others could saw someone impulsive and self destructive by his own self nature. Then whatever i could find a self exit would be for that delusions to save myself for my self rage that many times had put me in state of lost control. Sometimes i had destroy many things in this home just for simple discussion or a threat for me to getting wrong. And all i could think to aliviate my rage would be by those delusions or even then sometimes self inflicting pain. I had played many times cooperative games but had stoped doing so because meeting and playing with people only had left me injury even more on my rage where dying and dying on a sick playtime by someone where they call and laugh at you for being a loser and a weak was the input for me to get rage of myself and call many insult names for them to so they seeing me an replying "you make no sense" or "you pathetic and dumb" or "your gramma is horrible". So changing cooperative games to single ones was the point but even in the singles i got my temper high many times depending of the genre.
My first suicide attempt was around 2020 on the end of march where stupidly and in desperation while crying because someone had call me a idiot tryed to hang myself with a robe rope but being with a strong neck had fail easier this one. By the time you read this i had made many hangman amateur knots on my room where my idea wasss to end myself by the end of the last year while listening gallowdance but then my sick heart was contemplanting sick positive/fail delusions that was giving me another red flag while i was trying to use my mind to say "Do it!" but the emotions playing hard on my heart was the point enough for me to lay in bed and fail give up again. Calling a coward or weak by birth that was expected. I abominably disgust my member for giving birth to me everyday. Quite everytime we enter a discussion i use term "you should had abort me". The member had euthana a dog of ours because was suffering atrosis and was fat for abominably giving too much food without care for him and couldn't even walk for quite sometime while this member delusionaly trying to find a reason to ease the dog suffering by giving sick meds. The dog died eventually but in pain. While then myself would ask to end my life but receive no option for that. On my country assisted suicide is extremely prohibited so whatelse could i expect if not finding my own assistance so to speak.
Here then on another sick and hopefully the last year for me i bond to end up on a SN. I had said to myself that if i failed on the hanging would go to this one since i had fond many of you guys going into without further disasters. My main problems will be find a good source to buy sn since i live on brazil and i only had fond people claiming that couldnt find a 98% pure one here The other meto and benzo meds i guess i could easy got with a know doctor a prescription if i use the terms that i was feeling pain and so. I'm open to sugestions for you guys of what should be said for not causing a fail. Also i suffer for irritable stomach problems with gilbert syndrom plus my anxiety and depression gives already that bust of pain in times i felt badly. I had taken options later on these day drinking homeopathic pills to ease those pains like KAWAKAWA HYPERIC since the real drugs only had put me on a temporary state of discomfort and pain. So i suppose while choosing SN i have to find meds that will block those pains to give in while drinking(again any suggestions will be thankfull). I surely will open a portuguese thread to see if someone could help me out of sn sources to buy here. I decide to make a english thread first because i fond and read many around here that were following this site with the same words and since i could understand i decide to try to give my introduction and perhaps other conversations this way. Rarely i may use the portuguese perhaps because i guess i feel comfort writing on this lenguage. Many times playing games, watching movies and talking with other speakers had give some likeable sense to talk around this way rather on my natural language.
Anyway, I guess here will be my temporary safe forum re4 room for the time being. Sorry by anything that had being said errounesly or badly to any if so. If anyone wants to talk either a brazilian person or a english one, i'll be down to a conversation on pv. I understand a bit spanish too but that would be translate more work to go. Thanks for seeing this and may your 2025 will be contemplanting on positive outcomes"!
My first suicide attempt was around 2020 on the end of march where stupidly and in desperation while crying because someone had call me a idiot tryed to hang myself with a robe rope but being with a strong neck had fail easier this one. By the time you read this i had made many hangman amateur knots on my room where my idea wasss to end myself by the end of the last year while listening gallowdance but then my sick heart was contemplanting sick positive/fail delusions that was giving me another red flag while i was trying to use my mind to say "Do it!" but the emotions playing hard on my heart was the point enough for me to lay in bed and fail give up again. Calling a coward or weak by birth that was expected. I abominably disgust my member for giving birth to me everyday. Quite everytime we enter a discussion i use term "you should had abort me". The member had euthana a dog of ours because was suffering atrosis and was fat for abominably giving too much food without care for him and couldn't even walk for quite sometime while this member delusionaly trying to find a reason to ease the dog suffering by giving sick meds. The dog died eventually but in pain. While then myself would ask to end my life but receive no option for that. On my country assisted suicide is extremely prohibited so whatelse could i expect if not finding my own assistance so to speak.
Here then on another sick and hopefully the last year for me i bond to end up on a SN. I had said to myself that if i failed on the hanging would go to this one since i had fond many of you guys going into without further disasters. My main problems will be find a good source to buy sn since i live on brazil and i only had fond people claiming that couldnt find a 98% pure one here The other meto and benzo meds i guess i could easy got with a know doctor a prescription if i use the terms that i was feeling pain and so. I'm open to sugestions for you guys of what should be said for not causing a fail. Also i suffer for irritable stomach problems with gilbert syndrom plus my anxiety and depression gives already that bust of pain in times i felt badly. I had taken options later on these day drinking homeopathic pills to ease those pains like KAWAKAWA HYPERIC since the real drugs only had put me on a temporary state of discomfort and pain. So i suppose while choosing SN i have to find meds that will block those pains to give in while drinking(again any suggestions will be thankfull). I surely will open a portuguese thread to see if someone could help me out of sn sources to buy here. I decide to make a english thread first because i fond and read many around here that were following this site with the same words and since i could understand i decide to try to give my introduction and perhaps other conversations this way. Rarely i may use the portuguese perhaps because i guess i feel comfort writing on this lenguage. Many times playing games, watching movies and talking with other speakers had give some likeable sense to talk around this way rather on my natural language.
Anyway, I guess here will be my temporary safe forum re4 room for the time being. Sorry by anything that had being said errounesly or badly to any if so. If anyone wants to talk either a brazilian person or a english one, i'll be down to a conversation on pv. I understand a bit spanish too but that would be translate more work to go. Thanks for seeing this and may your 2025 will be contemplanting on positive outcomes"!