eattwinkiesseejesus
Praying for death to a God that doesn't answer
- Jan 18, 2025
- 23
Hello fellow SaSu beings, I've been on the outside looking in for some weeks now. I recently spent an involuntary week in the pysch ward just before Christmas, it wasn't a suicide attempt just one of my regular otc drug cocktails for anxiety and sleep gone wrong but they had concerns and locked me away anyway. I'm bipolar, I was riding a cloud nine manic episode (the whole nine yards - insomnia, enough energy to deep clean the house ten times, going for days on end, etc) when I crashed during a very stressful altercation with my spouse and I simply became desperate to sleep and escape.
....I have been terrified for years about going to a ward and the things that take place in those facilities, I was scared out of my mind. Ripped out of my home, all my rights and belongings stripped from me, cuffed and escorted like some common criminal, treated as though I was inhuman...if they thought I was sick before they should see my mind now....
It takes a toll. When I came home for weeks everyone acted as though I was some sort of fragile flower or bomb that was just gonna come apart or explode at any inconvenience, it didn't help the transition at all to say the least. For weeks I stayed in the house because I'd have an anxiety attack every time we were in public, loud noises, yells, and sirens became triggers for panic and anxiety attacks. Mental health offices calling endlessly trying to contact me and showing up to my house attempting to do wellness checks led me to change my number and an anxious paranoia that they're purposely trying to push me to the brink just so they can lock me up again... before discharging me the shrink told me "it's unfortunate that you are not psychotic enough for me to strap you down and force medications down your throat" - whatintheactualfuck ?!?!?! How could she say it's unfortunate that I'm not "crazy enough" for her to *strap me down* and force medications?! ...
I've also started experiencing some other new ..issues.. since I was discharged. The added paranoia and anxiety are just icing on the cake, a few days after my discharge I experienced my first "spell". I was sitting in my living room minding my own when out of nowhere the room began to darken and this insanely heavy wave of dread and depression just came over me and I began to overheat and get dizzy before I blacked out - this has now happened to me 9 times since my release I have no idea what it is or what's causing it, just that it didn't start happening until after I was locked up. If that wasn't enough about 2 or 3 weeks after the spells began I've started experiencing moments of age regression. Once again, no idea why or what's causing it but it's made me even more depressed as I feel like a malfunction, I'm embarrassed by it and have no idea what to do with it or how to make it stop and too scared of doctors now to seek help. The only friend I've had for the last 10 years disappeared after finding out I landed in the psych ward, I kinda figured she would distance herself (who wants to be friends with the broken crazy lady right?) but I wasn't prepared for how lonely I would feel or how much it would hurt to lose her at such a rough time. She was my inspiration and strength truly, losing her and trying to recover from such an ordeal at the same time has only deepened my depression- I'm not very good at keeping friends and it hurts to have so much love and effort to give and no one to hold onto to and share life with. I was raised in a way that made making friends hard as I was often excluded and seen as the weird kid for my parents extreme religious beliefs that kept me out of most activities so I have an insane amount of social anxiety and extremely poor self image which is only worsened by bpd.
After getting locked away, having all my rights and belongings stripped, my children being kept from me, and now the loss of my only friend - over an accidental med mix overdose .. my insane brain broke and said "fuck it". All my worst fears in life really at this point have already happened and yet somehow I fucking lived thru it - now I feel a sense of indestruction, like who cares if I take a 35 mph curve at 80 miles an hr what's the worst they can do to me? Lock me away with criminals? Already did that. It might kill me? That's the goal anyway, right? I got locked away over an accident (not saying that there wasnt legit attempts prior
... just that at that point and time i was not 'actively' suicidal) and abuse of power by the system and then bullied by the staff simply for existing - there is no help to be had. No one cares, all they want is to pump people with drugs to make a buck. I realized it simply doesn't get better, some people just become more immune to it. I pleaded for help but the doctors said that they were only there to push meds, when I spoke out in group and said I was being abused at home I was silenced and told "we don't get into that". I saw people crying daily begging to be heard by the doctors and being bullied by fear tactics and punished with extra days simply for trying to have bodily autonomy - this the system that's been put in place to "help us" and keep us from wanting to ctb but after being there and getting out and trying to adjust - life is just different, I'm different. After getting out, being deemed "fit" - all I could think about was how badly I just wanted to be dead and that's how I found SaSu- desperation. Very grateful that I did and to all of you for the community and knowledge.
Anyways, I'm not the best at putting thoughts to words (social anxiety and all that lol) so I apologize for the long ramble but just wanted to come on here and say hi and try to put myself out there.
....I have been terrified for years about going to a ward and the things that take place in those facilities, I was scared out of my mind. Ripped out of my home, all my rights and belongings stripped from me, cuffed and escorted like some common criminal, treated as though I was inhuman...if they thought I was sick before they should see my mind now....
It takes a toll. When I came home for weeks everyone acted as though I was some sort of fragile flower or bomb that was just gonna come apart or explode at any inconvenience, it didn't help the transition at all to say the least. For weeks I stayed in the house because I'd have an anxiety attack every time we were in public, loud noises, yells, and sirens became triggers for panic and anxiety attacks. Mental health offices calling endlessly trying to contact me and showing up to my house attempting to do wellness checks led me to change my number and an anxious paranoia that they're purposely trying to push me to the brink just so they can lock me up again... before discharging me the shrink told me "it's unfortunate that you are not psychotic enough for me to strap you down and force medications down your throat" - whatintheactualfuck ?!?!?! How could she say it's unfortunate that I'm not "crazy enough" for her to *strap me down* and force medications?! ...
I've also started experiencing some other new ..issues.. since I was discharged. The added paranoia and anxiety are just icing on the cake, a few days after my discharge I experienced my first "spell". I was sitting in my living room minding my own when out of nowhere the room began to darken and this insanely heavy wave of dread and depression just came over me and I began to overheat and get dizzy before I blacked out - this has now happened to me 9 times since my release I have no idea what it is or what's causing it, just that it didn't start happening until after I was locked up. If that wasn't enough about 2 or 3 weeks after the spells began I've started experiencing moments of age regression. Once again, no idea why or what's causing it but it's made me even more depressed as I feel like a malfunction, I'm embarrassed by it and have no idea what to do with it or how to make it stop and too scared of doctors now to seek help. The only friend I've had for the last 10 years disappeared after finding out I landed in the psych ward, I kinda figured she would distance herself (who wants to be friends with the broken crazy lady right?) but I wasn't prepared for how lonely I would feel or how much it would hurt to lose her at such a rough time. She was my inspiration and strength truly, losing her and trying to recover from such an ordeal at the same time has only deepened my depression- I'm not very good at keeping friends and it hurts to have so much love and effort to give and no one to hold onto to and share life with. I was raised in a way that made making friends hard as I was often excluded and seen as the weird kid for my parents extreme religious beliefs that kept me out of most activities so I have an insane amount of social anxiety and extremely poor self image which is only worsened by bpd.
After getting locked away, having all my rights and belongings stripped, my children being kept from me, and now the loss of my only friend - over an accidental med mix overdose .. my insane brain broke and said "fuck it". All my worst fears in life really at this point have already happened and yet somehow I fucking lived thru it - now I feel a sense of indestruction, like who cares if I take a 35 mph curve at 80 miles an hr what's the worst they can do to me? Lock me away with criminals? Already did that. It might kill me? That's the goal anyway, right? I got locked away over an accident (not saying that there wasnt legit attempts prior
... just that at that point and time i was not 'actively' suicidal) and abuse of power by the system and then bullied by the staff simply for existing - there is no help to be had. No one cares, all they want is to pump people with drugs to make a buck. I realized it simply doesn't get better, some people just become more immune to it. I pleaded for help but the doctors said that they were only there to push meds, when I spoke out in group and said I was being abused at home I was silenced and told "we don't get into that". I saw people crying daily begging to be heard by the doctors and being bullied by fear tactics and punished with extra days simply for trying to have bodily autonomy - this the system that's been put in place to "help us" and keep us from wanting to ctb but after being there and getting out and trying to adjust - life is just different, I'm different. After getting out, being deemed "fit" - all I could think about was how badly I just wanted to be dead and that's how I found SaSu- desperation. Very grateful that I did and to all of you for the community and knowledge. Anyways, I'm not the best at putting thoughts to words (social anxiety and all that lol) so I apologize for the long ramble but just wanted to come on here and say hi and try to put myself out there.
