FoxInWaiting
I want out!
- May 27, 2023
- 45
Hello there. I decided to join this forum to discuss the subject of suicide with others, specifically without any kind of censorship. Other mental health focused sites and forums automatically censor discussions like this.
I'll be vague about who I am, white male, late 20s.
A little about my experiences with suicidal thoughts and attempts:
I have been suicidal since 2016. Ever since I first attempted it in december of that year. I was initially going to jump off of a parking structure, but when I climbed up there I just sorta....felt nothing. I stayed up there for about an hour then went back home.
My second suicide attempt was December 27th of 2022.
This time, I had planned it out. I lived the entire year like it was my last. I didnt save money, preserve my health, all I did was be as lazy as possible and have as much fun as I possibly could (having no social life anyway)
Burned some bridges, gave out plenty of "fuck you"s that I honestly dont regret.
Same method of choice, parking structure.
This time I sat on the edge of the top of the structure, hanging on two railings with my body's weight shifted back, so when I let go, I would fall. I had a few panic attacks and had to lie down a few times before my attempt.
I swear, I felt my brain sending the signals to my hands over and over again to let go of the railing, but they just wouldnt. I tried so hard, I wanted to do it, I still want to, but that natural fear of falling prevented me.
Once I realized I couldnt do it, I got furious. I have to wake up tomorrow and deal with all this shit again, great.
I shouldnt be here right now.
I've opted to change my method of leaving. Falling from a great height isnt that reliable from what I've read, if you dont land just right, it could be the difference between instant lights out, or a slow, painful death. Or even worse, surviving with a completely broken body.
I've purchased myself a 40 cal pistol and a box of FMJ S&W bullets. I've even been practicing the motions with the unloaded gun, to get myself ready for doing it for real. I think when I finally decide to off myself, I'll do it in my bed. Somewhere dark and comfortable, and the mattress can stop the bullet after it goes through my head, that way it dosent go flying through a wall and hurt someone else or something.
All I'm doing now is....waiting. Waiting for what feels like the right time.
December 27th felt like the absolute perfect time, but I couldnt deliver.
However, I feel that "right time" is coming closer again.
I'm not looking for help of to be talked out of it, I just want to see other people's takes on it.
And as far as to WHY I want to kill myself, I could type a whole book on why.
I made a suicide note video to premier after I'm gone that goes into everything that lead me up to this point. It's 7 hours long.
Simple way to put it, I just dont see anything getting better, I dont wish to improve myself anymore either. I want out. I'm tapping out of life. I didnt ask for this, and it's my right to call it quits.
This seems like the logical conclusion for me. I've become unsalvageable, a lost cause, and I've accepted that. I'm at peace with it.
At this point all I have ahead of me is a life of working day jobs, living paycheck to paycheck, never being rewarded for my hard work and effort, unable to be close to anyone, and way to selfish to have any business being close to anyone to begin with.
I'm an example of what not to do, many people in my demographic will go down the same path and I feel in a way it's my duty to at the very least document my downfall.
All I gotta do is wait. I have my way out.
I'll be vague about who I am, white male, late 20s.
A little about my experiences with suicidal thoughts and attempts:
I have been suicidal since 2016. Ever since I first attempted it in december of that year. I was initially going to jump off of a parking structure, but when I climbed up there I just sorta....felt nothing. I stayed up there for about an hour then went back home.
My second suicide attempt was December 27th of 2022.
This time, I had planned it out. I lived the entire year like it was my last. I didnt save money, preserve my health, all I did was be as lazy as possible and have as much fun as I possibly could (having no social life anyway)
Burned some bridges, gave out plenty of "fuck you"s that I honestly dont regret.
Same method of choice, parking structure.
This time I sat on the edge of the top of the structure, hanging on two railings with my body's weight shifted back, so when I let go, I would fall. I had a few panic attacks and had to lie down a few times before my attempt.
I swear, I felt my brain sending the signals to my hands over and over again to let go of the railing, but they just wouldnt. I tried so hard, I wanted to do it, I still want to, but that natural fear of falling prevented me.
Once I realized I couldnt do it, I got furious. I have to wake up tomorrow and deal with all this shit again, great.
I shouldnt be here right now.
I've opted to change my method of leaving. Falling from a great height isnt that reliable from what I've read, if you dont land just right, it could be the difference between instant lights out, or a slow, painful death. Or even worse, surviving with a completely broken body.
I've purchased myself a 40 cal pistol and a box of FMJ S&W bullets. I've even been practicing the motions with the unloaded gun, to get myself ready for doing it for real. I think when I finally decide to off myself, I'll do it in my bed. Somewhere dark and comfortable, and the mattress can stop the bullet after it goes through my head, that way it dosent go flying through a wall and hurt someone else or something.
All I'm doing now is....waiting. Waiting for what feels like the right time.
December 27th felt like the absolute perfect time, but I couldnt deliver.
However, I feel that "right time" is coming closer again.
I'm not looking for help of to be talked out of it, I just want to see other people's takes on it.
And as far as to WHY I want to kill myself, I could type a whole book on why.
I made a suicide note video to premier after I'm gone that goes into everything that lead me up to this point. It's 7 hours long.
Simple way to put it, I just dont see anything getting better, I dont wish to improve myself anymore either. I want out. I'm tapping out of life. I didnt ask for this, and it's my right to call it quits.
This seems like the logical conclusion for me. I've become unsalvageable, a lost cause, and I've accepted that. I'm at peace with it.
At this point all I have ahead of me is a life of working day jobs, living paycheck to paycheck, never being rewarded for my hard work and effort, unable to be close to anyone, and way to selfish to have any business being close to anyone to begin with.
I'm an example of what not to do, many people in my demographic will go down the same path and I feel in a way it's my duty to at the very least document my downfall.
All I gotta do is wait. I have my way out.
